The Proving of the AIDS Nosode
AIDS - A brief history of the disease
The mechanism of the Human Immuno-deficiency Virus
Observations about AIDS patients
Miasms and the doctrine of signatures in three nosodes of mixed miasmatic character
An evolutionary map of the miasms
The major themes in the AIDS nosode proving
Two cases cured in the provings and their major themes
Main themes of several cases treated successfully with the AIDS nosode
Sensations, feelings and images felt by provers immediately after taking the remedy
The M.R. Vaccine proving
Proving procedures and guidelines for provers and supervisors
When news of AIDS sprang upon the world most were deeply shocked; fear of death and moral indignation combined to create a horror suitable for a gloomy and apocalyptic prognosis of the future. It seemed as if a new plague was about to be loosed upon the world. Since then our view has become increasingly sober, yet our initial collective response is held as a memory within the 'genius' of the nosode. It is with this presupposition in mind (that sociological, mythical as well as classically proven aspects are woven into the 'plot') that I shall be making some general observations about the remedy.
Writing poetry is both a hobby and a personal diary. At the time of the group proving of the AIDS nosode I wrote this poem:
I dreamed of the eclipse of light
I dreamed of the eclipse
of light, myself in deathward flight.
There was no one to hear my stricken yell.
Into deepest pit I plummeted, dismembering myself as I fell.
The horror was in the severing.
Now awakened and spinning like an eccentric merry-go-round,
I consider the nature of suffering. It seems that I have lifetimes
within which to cut off my attachments. Yet will I become
light enough to reach the ground without fatal fracturing?
Holding to past's images are sources of the future,
without this history all necessity falls away. Parent's conditional love
and societies expectations are things which kill invention and dim
the laughter of the free one who dwells within. And the nightmare,
that dark horse upon which we ride through landscapes
half familiar and therefore half terrifying, is a therapeutic stage;
a laboratory of remembering and dismembering parts
within which our images are as actors who jibe and rage,
until we are made lighter than a dusty sack of ancient bones
The proving was undertaken initially in 1988 using single doses in either the 30 or 200 centesimal potencies of blood of a man who subsequently died of AIDS related diseases. The identity of this man and his case history is not known. It was shrouded to 'protect' his family. Likewise the homoeopathic pharmacy who ran up the potencies wishes to remain anonymous. Hiding, concealing, even lying because of self loathing and mistrust have shown themselves to be characteristics of the genius of this remedy, as also is the opposite trait: of openness and candour. (The remedy may be obtained from the Helios Homoeopathic Pharmacy.) Results, of the initial provings, though portraying some symptom pattern, did not convey the 'shape' of the remedy. Therefore, I sent some pillules to Mariette Honig in Holland who carried out a similarly exhaustive, yet, ultimately unilluminating, proving. The verified symptoms of these provings have been included in the extraction presented. However, the picture of the nosode emerged with flying colours when in 1994 we carried out two group provings amongst students at The School of Homoeopathy. One group received 30c and the other the 200th.
At the School we have carried out all our provings with unit doses. This stimulus, perhaps because it is amplified by the many coexperiencers, and is 'reawakened' at monthly gatherings when experiences are recounted, is sufficient to produce long range effects.
We followed Jeremy Sherr's general proving methodology in this proving, however, individuals, timings and codes are not given. Additionally we recorded our experiences some minutes after beginning the proving. This is given at the beginning of the proving report. We got images (such as billowing clouds, popping seed pods, orange flowers, and responses to these images such as associated feelings, sensations or thoughts); feelings (such as joy, sadness, and their responses such as smiling or closing off); sensations (such as floating, burning, itching, and their responses such as restlessness or scratching); thoughts and concepts which in turn may evoke images, feelings and sensations. This then is our primary data. It would be in accordance with tradition to say that proving responses are headed up by an image at the top of a natural hierarchy which proceeds down the levels, through thoughts to feelings to sensations. But some provers vary here, for instance, by having a preponderance of sensation experiences, or feeling responses. This depends upon their innate personality structure, as would be described elementally as preponderances of Fire, Air, Water, Earth.
During the course of the School weekend (Friday through to Sunday) we took stock of thoughts, dreams, sensations, feelings and outer world happenings, using transcripts of tape recordings to insure accuracy, while supervisors and daily proving diaries filled in details from month to month. Audio recording spanned a period of three months, while some reports of cured symptoms continued to come in for the next two years.
Also included in this document are two cured cases, one resulting from Mariette Honig's Holland provings, one from our proving at the School. (Other cases are being added in a separate section). These, perhaps more than the proving itself, helped us get to grips with key causations and expressions of the remedy and qualified some of its therapeutic range. Therefore these cases and responses to remedies including the AIDS nosode are given in some detail. Some of you will remember Prover A coming forward to join me upon the occasion of the ECCH & ICCH Case Conference in Holland in May 1995 and again in UK at the Society of Homoeopaths Conference later that year. Her story was and is deeply shocking and provoked strong responses amongst participants many of whom were critical of what had occurred when she laid her soul bare. This response is typical of the feeling tone associated with AIDS: shock and condemnation - anything not to be contaminated by association! She had requested that her identity be revealed in association with this proving thus providing a gift for the homoeopathic community as well as transforming her suffering into a personal as well as public understanding of the remedy. This act strikes me as being typical of the dynamic which the disease and the remedy set up. On the one hand there are dirty secrets, the Syphilitic aspects of the nosode, while on the other, there is the desire for openness, candour and above all for intimate contact and a flow from within to without, without to within.
Now more than seven years on this prover feels that she has moved on to a new place and while her experiences are recorded here she no longer feels that it is necessary for her to be named.
In 1981 a few unexplained cases of Pneumicystis carinii pneumonia appeared in apparently healthy young men in metropolitan areas of the U.S.. P.C.P. is a rare form of parasitic pneumonia, that previously had only been seen in the very old and very young or in those with compromised immune systems (usually through malnutrition or through the use of immuno-suppressant drugs.)
Doctors were also reporting an increase in the number of cases of Kaposi's sarcoma, a rare form of skin cancer, that had also only been known in people with weakened immune systems. Again this condition was appearing in fit, young men. The only connecting factor between these patients was that they were almost exclusively gay and predominantly promiscuously gay.
The appearance of opportunistic infections in apparently healthy young men was called Gay Related Immune Deficiency, GRID. By the end of 1983, when Pluto had entered Scorpio, an event associated with plagues by some astrologers, there had been more than 2,500 cases in the United States and cases were appearing all over the developed world.
By this time it was clear that the disease was not restricted to gay men. It was also appearing in haemophiliacs, intravenous drug users and the female partners of bisexual men. The disease was renamed Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, AIDS.
The first men with the disease had tended to have a large number of sexual partners, a history of many episodes of venereal disease treated with antibiotics, and a substantial use of recreational drugs, especially amyl nitrate (a heart drug often used by gay men to heighten and prolong sexual arousal).
The appearance of AIDS in haemophiliacs and intravenous drug users indicated that it was an infectious disease and that the infectious agent was carried in the blood. The appearance of AIDS in female partners of high risk men, indicated that the infectious agent was probably present also in semen. The cases of babies suggested that breast milk might also be a carrier. The obvious conclusion was that all bodily fluids, including saliva, were possible carriers of the infectious agent. What had at first seemed to be restricted to a particular, and somewhat isolated, community; now came to be seen as a plague that would affect everyone. A simple kiss could be a death sentence.
This view was confirmed by the African experience. At around the same time that AIDS was appearing in the U.S. and the developed world, a strange new disease was appearing in parts of Africa. This disease caused wasting, hence it came to be called 'Slim', and it opened the unaffected person up to opportunistic infections from which he or she usually died. In Africa 'Slim' was, and still is, killing an enormous number of men and women who should be in the prime of their lives. In Africa AIDS is clearly a heterosexual disease.
AIDS and drug abuse have been closely linked since the first appearance of the disease. However, it is in intravenous heroin users that it has taken hold most strongly. In a number of cities in both the developed and developing worlds the problems of heroin addiction and HIV have almost merged into one. The isolation, the secrecy and the numbness of the heroin state, the only way out of unbearable pain, have a resonance with issues important in the AIDS state.
In the late Eighties and early Nineties a number of famous people died of AIDS. These included Freddie Mercury and Liberace, but the death that the caused the most attention was that of Rock Hudson. Many of his Hollywood friends took up AIDS as a cause and it became a very public issue.
In an effort to reduce infections, and control what was threatening to become a devastating plague, many governments launched massive advertising campaigns to encourage 'safe sex'. For a while it seemed that humanity was in imminent danger of being wiped out by the disease. By the late 1990s much of the terror and hype about AIDS has died away. In the developed world at least, the disease is common only in certain quite restricted, fairly small and well-defined groups.
The plague has not come to suburbia as many had feared it would. Even for those with the disease a cocktail of very powerful drugs is significantly extending life expectancy.
The mechanism of the Human Immuno-deficiency Virus
In the early Eighties research on retro-viruses in France and America found a retro-virus that was later called HIV, which was associated with AIDS.
The Human Immuno-deficiency Virus is a retro-viruses, one of a small group of viruses that infiltrate a cell and subvert its genetic mechanism to procreate themselves.
RNA is usually a messenger molecule that transfers the genetic code from the DNA in the cell nucleus to the ribosomes where proteins are built up according to the DNA blueprint. HIV contains small pieces of RNA, which work in reverse: they alter the DNA.
In HIV infection the virus enters T4 cells in the blood. Once inside the cell the virus releases an enzyme, reverse transcriptase, which causes small pieces of RNA in the virus to produce a relatively short length of DNA. This piece of DNA becomes part of the infected cell's genome and starts producing RNA which will in turn become part of a new virus. In this process the host T4 cell, a leukocyte which has an important role in the working of the immune system, is destroyed and the whole system is severely compromised.
Not everyone has been entirely convinced that HIV is the real cause of AIDS. Those most likely to get disease are also those who have compromised immune systems, either through conditions such as haemophilia, or through the abuse of drugs and a history of venereal disease with the resulting antibiotic treatment. Harris Coulter is one of many who have questioned the link. This issue has become impossible to analyse as the presence of antibodies to HIV has now become the definition of AIDS. Thus patients with HIV antibodies dying of pneumonia are classified as a dying of AIDS, while those without the antibodies are classified as a dying of pneumonia. By the definition of the disease all people dying of AIDS have HIV antibodies.
'AIDS - A Brief History of the disease section' contributed by Peter Fraser
- Patients often surrender to standard medical interventions or develop monomaniacal approaches to learning all about the disease (and then refuse treatment).
- Patients may feel that the health care giver is a partner - they must explain every move to the satisfaction of the patient or they will be dismissed.
- Fear of exposure and feeling unacceptable.
- A feeling of peace and calm, surrender to a higher power. (This is in contrast to the state of mind present when contracting the illness)
- Because the illness is almost always kept secret until some great force precipitates its revelation, the patient seemingly has within himself a very low self-esteem, oftentimes masked with a sometimes thick veneer of bravado and self-importance. Once 'out', a great relief is felt and another stage is set. This stage can then be a breakthrough into acceptance and forgiveness - also by loved ones and family.
- The worst aspect is that what they do touches on three fundamental taboos: sex, shit and homosexuality.
- Self destructive state, exemplified by numerous sexual partners, sexually transmitted diseases, recreational drugs and prescribed drugs for venereal and linked diseases. i.e. antibiotics, sulphanilamides, steroids and antifungals.
Even if this is only partly true, these are some of the constituents of the myth.
Tuberculinum is associated in a homoeopath's mind with restless discontent. It is derived from a disease which arises in populations and amongst societies who have been dispossessed. Their fixed posture, their stuck place, (or central delusion) is that their home, land and culture is lost. Therefore, they are restlessly searching for (and cannot find) a new home. Since the disease is associated with violent upheavals such as war, famine and subsequent conditions of deprivation its miasmatic key signature is primarily syphilitic, although Psora (characterized by forsaken feeling, poverty and introspection) is a modulation.
Carcinosin is associated in a homoeopath's mind with suppression of ego drives and striving for conformity (in this respect demonstrating its relationship with Lac Humanum). In children an uncompensated state often prevails, typified by difficult, contrary and defiant behaviour, while in adults a suppressed state typified by fastidiousness and niceness is usually seen. It is usual for patients requiring Carcinosin, should they be fastidious, to express it as a drive for matching things. It is derived from diseased tissue which is characterized by overabundant proliferation of cells of one type. The cells represent a monomania of conformity. In a healthy organism, groups of differing cells cooperate together, while in cancerous tissue, the conformity of structure allows for no functional interfacing. It is a monoculture and as such cannot sustain its growth for any length of time. Any system which is composed of sub-units all of a kind is only capable of one set of responses; once internal or external situations change, such a system cannot adopt other modes of reaction. This inflexibility is its undoing. Sycosis (the desire for more and more - in the case of the tumour - of cells) is the leading miasm with strong Syphilitic (destructive) tendencies. From a psychological stand point the Sycotic theme translates into striving coupled with excessiveness (from which guilt is the natural inheritance), while the Syphiltic miasm leads to destructive expressions (so often exhibited by Carcinosin children), self-destructive impulses such as picking at self, both physically and mentally, for instance, endlessly revisiting injustices, wrongs and slights; over fastidiousness; sleeplessness and fear of cancer itself. These worries and concerns tend to be kept under wraps, hidden from the eyes of the world. This latter aspect is mostly of Psoric origin. As Elizabeth Wright-Hubbard suggested: cancer is the marriage of the three miasms (with Aluminium as 'best man').
The AIDS nosode is associated in a homoeopath's mind with boundary issues. Keeping what is in, in; what is out, out. In health the vital force through the medium of the defence system reacts homoeostatically to morbific influences, throwing them off. Keeping what is out, out. Acute manifestation are of this kind, such as fevers, discharges, diarrhoea, pus, and on an emotional level, such as shouting, hitting, moaning, tears. However, should the being become encumbered by disease through a deficiency of acute responses, due to miasmic predisposition or social suppression or drug use, then chronic disease may begin to settle in. In this aspect we note complimentary aspects to Carcinosin and a strongly Psoric colouration. The relationship with Lac Humanum is also noteworthy - here the central issues revolve around individuality versus group conformity, helping others versus thinking about self first, family obligations versus pleasing oneself with inevitable feelings of isolation and accusations of being uncaring. In Rajan Sankaran's provings of Lac Humanum themes of houses, self loathing and rejection feelings also came prominently into the foreground. These features are echoed in the AIDS proving. Not unsurprisingly, human blood and milk have features in common. For in Lac Humanum the theme is about what C.G. Jung termed individuation whereby the individual becomes known to Self and therefore is able to integrate egoic drives with social expectations, while in AIDS the boundary between me and you and the outside world is the central issue. As Carcinosin is primarily about the cost of conformity, and Lac Humanum is about the price of individuality, so AIDS is about the complete breakdown of the defence mechanism. As stated, the key concept is chronic weakness at the boundary.
Sex is about as close as our physical and emotional experience can get to dissolving the boundary. Since the myth of AIDS as well as its 'discovery' is bound up with the gay community in San Francisco we will home into this: casual sex with multiple partners is attempting an impossible union, too much thinning of the boundary, and certainly has resulted in frequent venereal infections and associated allopathic treatments as well as providing the pathway of infection. This hunger for intimacy expressing as its perversion in superficial unions may be associated with a low self opinion (and its compensations in arrogance) and isolation feelings. Witness the gay community and its exclusion and suppression by heterosexual folk. Gay also stands for, 'Good As You'! With the arrival of AIDS related symptoms, a sense of desperation, breakdown and decay enters the picture. The Syphilitic note. The breakdown of the immune defence system is mirrored in ecology by such phenomena as the ozone hole, monoculture diseases, (combated by agrochemicals in a manner analogous to the multiple drug therapies employed in the conventional treatment of AIDS) and in sociological terms, by abuse. Here the boundary of the self is violated. It is also worthy of note that Chiron, the asteroid associated by astrologers with wounding and healing was discovered at around the time that AIDS became known.
Loss of protection/shell/wall. 'I felt that I had lost my wall and my shell, and there was a free flow of emotions both in and out. I was exposed, almost naked, with no control.' '... uninterrupted flow between self and group.' vs. '... does not belong.' '... felt excluded, lied to.'
(Bracketed numerals refer to number of provers who had these dream themes.)
Two cases cured in the provings and their major themes
Case 1. Prover A.
At the time of receiving the case, she was 29 years of age. She was a student of mine in the final year of study. She had been a counsellor for the past four years. She wore a nose ornament, depicting a lizard. At the close of the interview, I asked her why she had chosen to wear a lizard and she replied that she liked the way they move. Her manner of speech was slow, with long gaps between statements, allowing me ample time to record everything verbatim. This was most unusual, for her usual manner is animated. Her hair was dishevelled, greasy, and her complexion pale.
"Three months ago, a typewriter fell on my head. My homoeopath has prescribed various remedies, such as Arnica, Hypericum and Natrum Muriaticum. In the past, Natrum Muriaticum was prescribed and it has helped me.
"The typewriter incident feels like a watershed. I felt my head being crushed into my shoulders. My memory has been getting worse. I cannot remember what people tell me and I can't find words. I am not able to work or study. I am getting very anxious about money. I am feeling disempowered.Childhood
"There was no one to respond to my fears or illnesses. I had to learn to lock everything out. Whenever I felt bad, I would go for a run. I was into athletics. I always kept moving. It was almost like punishing myself. I still feel like this, 'I will beat this, and then I will be okay; if I keep on going I will be okay.'
"My father sexually abused me from as far back as I can remember. He went on doing it until I left home. My first memory is of being about three and in the bath. My father is jerking off and semen splashes on my face.
"When I am shocked I can feel semen on my face and I feel that others will be able to see it too.
"Often when I wake up, I feel crushed, compressed.
"I can only sleep if I lie with one hand over my heart and one on my throat.
"My mother knew what was going on. She colluded with my father. She had sex with me too. I think of her as a cardboard cutout character. I am revolted by her.
"I had a recurrent dream of being stuck in the birth canal with putrid pus in my nose and throat. Another recurrent dream that I have is of being a foetus, as though I have been just born and I can see the planet Earth beyond me. It is very beautiful. My umbilicus is cut and I want to tie it but I can't reach it and there is no one to ask for help.
"I was never given guidelines for what was right - only for what was wrong.
She starts crying. She buries her head in her arms as if to protect herself from blows.
"I feel cut off from people. I feel that there is something that I must do but I don't know what it is. I learnt to be careful not to say what I liked, or who I liked. If I named my friends, then I would not be allowed to play with them. At Christmas time, I was told about the presents which they did not get me. They said that I had not been good enough.
"My mother said that I could only have pocket money if I did X, Y or Z. I still get very anxious about money. I used to steal money from her. I still feel angry and violent about her attitude. When I was 12, and right up to the age of 17, when I left home, I did not talk. I felt that if I did say anything I would fuck up. It was the only power I had, to be silent.
"When I was 8, I developed temporary paralysis of my legs.
"I couldn't move because of the pain in my pelvis and vagina. My mother did not believe that I was ill. She said that I was pretending. A mother is the one you should be able to turn to when you're in trouble!
"I was so frightened of my father that when I heard him coming up the steps to my bedroom I used to shit myself. I still feel that people will smell this on me.
"I used to dream of a river with shit and dead bodies in it. My head was floating in this river. It was alive.
"I used to dream of terrorists.
"I used to be frightened of the dark.
"My father's violence was unpredictable. One day, he would be nice to me and the next he would hit me about the head, in my stomach or on my legs. He used to lock me out of the house whenever he felt like it.
"We moved from country to country many times. My father was very brilliant in his career.
"I was always lonely. It was like concentric rings of isolation.
"I wanted to have a brother or sister. When I asked him why he had never had another child, he replied that he wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
"I used to tell people that I had a twin who had died.
"I had stomach cramps from the age of 8 and ulcers were diagnosed when I was 12. I vomited blood.
"I used to feel, 'what haven't I done, what do I need to do so that they will stop doing this?'
"I do not let up on myself. I am driven by a feeling that I could have done better.
"I can't trust and I am frightened of taking risks.
"I am frightened of rejection and I move away. I feel that I need to protect the people that I like from me, from the horrible things which are inside me.
"My happiest times have been living on my own. The best was when I lived in a tiny cottage in the Scottish mountains completely alone. It was only then that I no longer made searches under my bed and realized that I had been compulsively checking out my bedroom for all of my adult life.
"Wherever I went to live, my father would follow me. He would do or say nothing but would tail me in his car when I cycled into work or he turned up in the restaurant at which I was waitressing. He would just sit there and watch me.
"Last year, I told him that if he continued to follow me I would tell the police. He slapped me around the head so violently that I was concussed, saying 'take that to the police.' I have not seen him since.
"Three months ago, a typewriter fell on my head. Two weeks after the typewriter fell on my head, I was feeling so angry and frustrated that I buried my head in my pillow and growled. Usually I scream my anger into my pillow.
On the basis of the presenting symptoms, the running (her past time and the lizard's mode of escape) and on the understanding that head injuries are part of her chronic case, I prescribed Helleborous 1M. The constitutional background for this rests on two inner state rubrics: delusion, that she has done wrong and neglected her duty - the message she received and believed to be true, from her father. What Helleborous does not cover, are the feelings of self disgust: shit, semen and the 'feeling that I need to protect the people that I like from me, from the horrible things which are inside me.'
This state seemed to me, to be best covered by Lac Caninum, the remedy which I later prescribed.
This was the background to the proving and the further and dramatic improvements which she then experienced.
I shall let her verbatim account (taken from a taped interview) fill in the details. This recording was made four months after the proving in which she participated. It is not in chronological sequence, thus her first statements relate to the proving of the AIDS nosode and Lac Caninum.
"One of the difficulties arising out of the changes since the AIDS proving is that I don't have the same aversion to being touched, so now I have to fill in all the gaps. Before I could switch off in some way. A sexual relationship felt possible, and now it feels not impossible, but it feels that I don't want it, I just want to be held, to feel safe. I have really noticed it, what a difference it makes, just to be held. I think that is the thing that I am really struggling with.
M: How was it before?
"I have always had a feeling that I will contaminate other people and that is why I must stay away from them. And also feeling that I am contaminated. With the Lac Caninum, it was particularly around my periods and around ovulation that it was heightened, I just needed to wash, the only thing I could do was to sit in the bath, but then I couldn't touch myself, and I would have to look at the wall, it was so bizarre, because I remember sitting in the bath thinking: that's what that thing is where they separate the fingers' and I couldn't let any part of me touch each other and I've got quite a small bath so it was quite difficult, and just feeling so completely disgusting. I couldn't touch myself to wash, I just had to submerge myself up to my neck.
M: I suggested that you take Lac Caninum 200, which you did.
"And the other thing was that I couldn't sleep. We were talking about how I sleep - one hand on my neck and one hand where my heart is, almost like protecting my chakras, face down. I took the Lac Caninum, and all the stuff that I had around feeling that I had semen on my face and stuff around my mother and oral sex - I had that whole thing going on around my mouth and my face, and couldn't be seen - that initially disappeared and then came back a bit but wasn't as strong as it had been.
M: Helleborous hadn't actually changed this?
"No, the stuff around my head overtook that, because it was physically and mentally disabling. The thing that I use all the time is my head, to think, that is the way I function and that is how I have managed in the world, because I think quite quickly, and suddenly I couldn't do it, it was really freaky for me. Suddenly I didn't have access to that which guaranteed my safety. The other thing that guaranteed my safety was physical activity and sport and I couldn't do that either, I couldn't climb. I have to be outside and have to be doing something. It was really important and has always been really important, and it is my one escape route, as well, to run, to jump and to rock climb. Immediately after that dose of Helleborous I felt different and could think again. My room-mate at the bed and breakfast commented that I had changed colour from grey to pink and my hair returned to normal - it had been all matted. It had actually started going grey and in time that changed back to normal.
M: So then, after having had Lac Caninum there was a gap of a couple of months, where things were going well, and then you banged your head again. The Helleborous state returned, muzzy thinking and inability to express yourself.
"I am always banging my head!
"I gave you another dose of Helleborous 1M. Then we went back to the same symptoms in the bath and the state of self loathing - you phoned me up and said, 'I need another dose of Lac Caninum!' which you had.Response to the remedy proving
"I think the curative action of the proving (of the AIDS nosode) is that I did have a sense of feeling that I belonged with people that I had never had before, I had always felt like I was outside and unacceptable, so all the while, whilst I might look like I was part of the group, I actually felt myself on the outside. I know that lots of people have that, but with me it was very strong. I don't think I ever had any sense of belonging until I did the proving. I was talking about that yesterday, that the one time in my life when I really felt part of a group was that time of the proving.
M: So Lac Caninum took you a little way in this direction, but where it really came together was in the proving.
"Not the same, when I had Lac Caninum, I didn't feel that everybody was looking at me with disgust when I walked down the street. I felt I was entitled to walk down the street, I wasn't feeling that every single person who walked past me felt critical of me or disgusted by me.
M: So when we did the proving in May. What happened?
"When we were sitting, waiting for the effects, I had this vision: I felt that I was in a tank of water, then I realized I was in the sea. I felt very comfortable. A diver went past, I don't like the noise they make - I find it creepy. I was walking in the water, not swimming. A horse walked past - usually I don't like them, they're unpredictable but I wasn't bothered. There was a dark tunnel and I walked in, a vicious fish just passed me by, no fear attached, no awareness of going anywhere. Suddenly I came out into a bright, bright light, the area was like a dome, of the kind you put over a clock, light was coming through windows in the top. There was a gold coffin and it was at this point that I felt really frightened and anxious, didn't want to be there, the light felt uncomfortable. The gold coffin in the middle of the room was encrusted with jewels. I climbed into it, pulled the lid down over me, all these jewels and gold coins fell down on top of me. I woke up on a beach, my top half was on the beach while my lower half was a fish with waves lapping over my tail. I felt contented and at peace.
"The night of the proving, I slept really well, like I haven't slept in ages. Very comfortably. I remember my dreams were very colourful, I remember a whole load of flowers. Usually my dreams are very unlike that, basically, very dark, very violent, as if there is something following me, there is blackness and I don't know what is going on. Constant nightmares rather than dreams. The thing that has happened is that the nightmares have completely stopped. And one more thing that has stopped is of always feeling crushed, like there is a heavy weight and of being sexually tortured in some way.
M: Which nightmares?
"There was one of being a foetus and not being attached and trying to tie my umbilical cord up. I can see the planet earth in the distance, it looks very beautiful. I am this foetus with its torn umbilical cord, and I know that if I tie it up I'll be OK, but I don't have the manual dexterity or the ability to even reach that cord. Then the other one occurs at times in counselling or times where I have disclosed information about my parents and what happened then, whenever I felt that I'd made myself vulnerable in some way. This was the dream: I walk into the garage and my father is making something, and I say, 'What are you making?' He replies, 'You'll find out soon enough'. Then I walk out, and go for a walk in a field where there is a great big dip like a bowl shape and I get to the top and he's put up a crucifix. The depression is filled with a whole heaving mass of people, everyone I've ever known, like, even walked past in the street. And the people who I know best are in the front row glaring at me. My father pins me up on the crucifix which he has made and rips a foetus out, which he then sews onto my left breast. I don't know how to rescue the baby because he's severed the umbilical cord. From the point of view of everyone who's looking at me, the message is that what he's doing is appropriate in terms of what I've done. But I don't know what it is that I've done. I've had this nightmare since I was about 10 or 12.
"And the other thing that went after the proving, is a lot of anal bleeding and vaginal pain - which I realize dates back to tearing.
"There's another thing that's changed, which feels new and strange, which is that I feel better in company, whereas before I would always feel bad in company. Now it feels very painful being away from people, being by myself.
"I used to think that I didn't have the language to express 'me', the things that I felt ... I didn't have the experience of going to people and saying, well, in fact I do need your help ... I do this more easily now ... I used to think that I needed to make everyone like me, like if I only did this, maybe people would like me.
"Now, I just think that some people don't like me and it's tough, it's not an issue in the way that it was, that I would be annihilated if somebody didn't like me and I didn't do the right thing, because that might be the one person I needed help from.
M: And hugging, contact?
"I don't throw up when people hug me. It's quite an advantage actually, it's kind of detrimental to relationships! But yes, I used to be very nauseous around touch and my osteopath really noticed it, that she was able to work on me much more. Before I would have a delayed reaction to the session, over time we had found a way of working but I would still vomit afterwards, maybe even a day later.
"I think what is happening is that when I initially did the proving, it was like being given the gift of seeing what is beyond, what it on the other side of all this confusion and terror. Is this what the world can be like? Is this what it's like to be comfortable around people? Over time I feel less comfortable than I did when I actually did the proving, but it is almost like I needed to have that experience, to know it was possible. I don't know how to explain this, but now that I know it is possible to go beyond where I was, to a place which is much more comfortable, it is almost like I can move back a bit and can make the journey without the aid of the remedy. Knowing that is painful because I can't have it all the time, but if I had that all the time I wouldn't value it in the same way. I wouldn't have the sense of how precious that is to me, to have that experience.
"I feel a bit like a small child. I think before I felt that there was this small child in this adults body, screaming it's head off to be heard. That was one of the things I felt I carried, this giant scream around in me all the time. I don't have that now. I guess it's the difference between vulnerable and open: I feel like a more open small child who will be able to receive and take things whereas before I just felt completely vulnerable, and terrified, making sure that I kept people out, and yet desperately wanting to be in contact with them as well.
This prover (of Mariette Honig) was a man in his early fifties. His diary didn't give much information about his state of mind. But he did say that he felt extremely tired every winter and every year he got flu in the Christmas holidays. The proving took place on the 5th of December, so he was already feeling his usual weariness and tiredness.
I knew him to be a hard working man, honest, quite extroverted without ever revealing anything about his own feelings. He liked to play the clown, to keep the atmosphere light. His remarks could be very witty, sometimes a bit coarse. It was obviously an act he needed to hide behind.
His report after the proving:
"I had a wonderful night's sleep. Relaxing dreams (didn't remember what they were). I got up feeling very fit and went for a run in the dunes. I felt wonderful, no tiredness, I am ready to take on the world!
This feeling has stayed with him ever since. Neither the tiredness nor the flu came back. He felt well the following winter too. He says.
"Everything feels more structured, there is plenty of time to do the things I want to do" (the amount of work and study he manages to pack into one day is quite extraordinary).
So he was very happy with the proving and he didn't say much more about it, apart from the occasional remark that he still felt absolutely fine.
It wasn't until two years later, when we talked about the proving again, that he told me that he had been sexually abused in his teenage years. So I asked him if he would be prepared to talk about it.
This is his story.
"I was born during the war and I have always had the impression that my father didn't really want me, as if I was too much. My father used to beat me whenever I ventured to give my opinion about anything, no matter what. My father never gave me any support or encouragement, never came to watch me play football, never took any interest in my results at school. He always said I was good for nothing or he simply pretended that I didn't exist.
"That is why my motto became: 'I'll show you what I can do. I will see this through to the very end.'
And this is what he has done. No job is too hard for him, no request too difficult. He will always work at it until he has mastered it. He runs a successful business and is always ready to take on extra work.
A few years ago he had a nervous breakdown because of financial difficulties, his brothers and sisters all ignored him and he felt very low. What finally lifted him out of his depression was the arrival of a tiny, stray kitten.
"I was at home all day, moping around, and then this little kitten arrived. It kept coming up to me, purring and nudging me and suddenly I felt: I am accepted, I am part of this world again.Childhood
When he was two years old he had an acute attack of fever in the spring. It started with shivering, then a very high fever and then blisters and ulcers in his mouth. This lasted for several weeks and nobody knew what it was. He got antibiotics and even a blood transfusion, but nothing helped. Finally it cleared up, but it came back every year in the spring until he was 14 years old. Sometimes it was so bad that he was taken to hospital, where he was put into quarantine.
"I had to spend weeks in bed, all alone in a little room, cut off from the rest of the world. My mother would come and see me every day, but my father didn't come once.
At the age of 14 these mysterious attacks of fever and ulcers stopped but he has always felt progressively more tired as the winter wore on. He felt that it took him all summer to store up enough energy again to get through the next winter.
He had difficulty studying at school, (his father didn't help by reminding him every day that he was no good and would never get anywhere in life). Later on he went to boarding school where he was sexually abused by one of the masters during 'extra lessons'. This went on till he was 16. He never dared to tell anyone. He felt disgusted and ashamed. After he was married it took him years before he dared to tell his wife. Deep down he always doubted whether he could trust her. This feeling would creep in during the most intimate moments and he could never get rid of it, although it bothered him a lot.Follow up
Two years after the proving.
Since the proving this feeling of distrust has disappeared, and he now feels comfortable enough to talk about his experiences. He also told me that at parties he often used to be approached by men. He had always hated this. Since the proving this has stopped. Now he finds that women are attracted to him, which he is much happier about.
He is much more open. He still jokes a lot, but in a more natural manner and the sharpness has gone. The proving has brought into focus the anger he still carried towards his father and he is now coming to terms with this, two years after the proving.
His physical tiredness and the frequent episodes of flu have disappeared.
Three years after the proving.
He still takes the remedy about once a year when he finds himself becoming very hurried, wanting to take on much more work than he can comfortably manage.
Within 24 hours of taking the remedy the hurriedness disappears, the wrinkles in his forehead get smoothed out (comment from his wife) and he takes on a relaxed attitude to life again. He said.
"All my life I have hidden the fact that I felt so unsure of myself behind a front of 'just watch me, I can do it'. Nobody ever saw my doubts and uncertainties. Now this is changing.
"Even before this proving, where so many people dreamt of houses, I had often said to myself: 'The foundations aren't right'. Now I feel the foundations have been put in order.'
- History of sexual abuse.
- Powerless in the hands of people who are in control, people who can violate your boundaries. Nowhere is safe. The people who should be offering safety and security are the very people who either ignore you, or even worse, betray you.
- Sensation of isolation and estrangement.
- Comfort is found in a bond with a special (innocent or young) friend, dog, kitten etc. who understands the longing for recognition and love.
- Persevering, strong, responsible. There is no time for moping around.
- Restlessness and desire for order. Time is short and there is much to do.
Sensations, Feelings and Images felt by provers immediately after taking the remedy (within the first 10 minutes).
Internal trembling - shaky feeling of whole body.
Sensation of growth, of blossoming.
Sensation of flying gently, of floating, of being uplifted.
Sensation of being like a cloud. Image of a white billowing cloud, with a flower in its centre. The flower had an orange, dull brown centre with inter-locking petals. I began to feel like the flower. The whole image was moving to the left.
Sensation as if I had a tightening rope around my neck and that I was being pulled upwards.
Sensation of being intoxicated, of being stoned - it felt like I was just going up on acid - like the beginning of a trip. Sensation of going into nowhere, into nothingness.
Sensation of popping - image of seed pod popping open - of a bubble popping -
Sensation of things coming out. Sensation of things undulating - as if the grass was undulating, like wind blowing on a field of corn.
Sensation of love and companionship for everyone. Sensation of plonking my feet in the ground, of being grounded.
Image of an elephant - feeling of gentleness and passivity from such an enormous structure.
Felt a very strong sensation in my brain, like a movement, like a vibration, inside the cerebellum, felt like waves undulating in the top of my brain. It felt like my brain was rearranging itself, that it was settling in a new position, felt as if it were moving against the skull, if it were a cat it would be nestling itself.
Sensation in region of breast bone - it felt like I'd been punched - felt like a door closed in front of me as if I've been closed out/shut out, as if I was being lied to. Feelings of panic and insecurity of separation and isolation.Mind.
Exaltation. Elation. Exhilaration - frivolity.
All senses heightened.
'I feel above it all', 'I feel that I am floating', 'I feel disconnected', 'I felt I had to ground myself', 'the world seems an exciting and strange place.'
'Positive thoughts, confident, expansive', 'very sharp, feel my mind is more awake and more alert. I am getting on with more work. I feel that I have more time for everything.' 'Easy concentration.' 'I feel much more positive about myself, about my decisions, I don't need the approval of others.'
'Unhurried and untroubled.' 'I feel content and happy with the world - emotionally connected - much more settled.'
'Peacefulness - mildness.' 'A feeling of complete peace of mind.' 'A feeling of oneness with my fellow man and the whole of the universe.' 'I felt exceptionally close to my family and friends.' 'All I could think of was: youth, beauty, peace.' 'I felt vulnerable, that I needed someone to look after me.' 'I felt like a child, but it was a good feeling.'
'I am enjoying to be alone - usually I don't like to be alone, since the remedy glad to be alone.'
Normally feels easily rejected, now feels great. 'I was singing to myself in the street, loved being on my own.' 'I felt like doing something mischievous.' 'I wanted to do something naked and extravagant. I had no embarrassment with nakedness.'
Journeying back to childhood - childhood memories.
Over sensitive. Exceptionally sympathetic to the point of tears - weepy. 'Things are getting to me, usually couldn't give a damn - I am feeling very fragile.'
'Want to get away from everyone, when on my own want to be with everyone again.' 'Feel very withdrawn.'
Mind going completely blank. 'Lost all sense of identity - didn't know who I was, found this experience very frightening, I burst into tears.'
Feelings of Paranoia. 'Felt that a door was slammed shut in my chest' 'Felt like I was being lied to.' 'Felt every one was talking about me in an unkind way.' Suspicious. Mistrustful.
'Felt that people were plotting against me.'
'Felt very exposed - I had no shell to protect me.'
'Exquisite and precious mental pain - I had no shell for protection.'
'I felt that I had lost my "wall", "my protection" and my "shell", and there was a free flow of emotions both in and out. I was exposed - almost naked, with no control.'
Not connecting with people, feelings of isolation, 'nobody loves me'
'I imagined everything I said was wrong - that I had offended someone - that I had committed some sort of faux pas - that I was gabbling.'
Inability to formulate thoughts and words properly.
Feelings of being awkward and shy - averse company and talking.
Lacking in self confidence.
Absence of sensitivity towards others.
Moods fluctuating/vacillating between morose and exhilaration.
Lethargy and confusion - feels that she has forgotten something, or to do something.
Journeying into the past, remembering childhood experiences.
One of the male provers, who worked in a laboratory, volunteered to have a 'live' blood analysis done every day for one week, starting the day before the proving. The results, as seen under a microscope, are shown below. Interesting to note that the distribution of the blood corpuscles changed dramatically two days after the proving. This formation is called 'stacking' which indicates a humoural defence reaction.
Prover's blood prior to taking the remedy.
Prover's blood after taking the remedy.
This picture lasted for three days, after which it returned to normal.
Observation by analyst: The following reaction was observed: Hypochromic anaemia with anisiocytosis and poikilocytosis.
The remedy appears to affect the production of the glutation-reductase enzyme in the erythrocytes (red corpuscles).
A shortage of this enzyme might cause:- Hypochromic anaemia (lack of colour) with anisiocytosis (irregular size) and poikilocytosis (distortions of the membrane of the red corpuscles).- Reticulocytosis- Enlargement of the spleen- Neurological malfunctions- Spasticity- Oligophrenia (Debilitas, Imbecillitas, Idiocy).
In order to verify whether the above mentioned proving symptoms gave a clear picture of the essence of the nosode itself, rather than the personal characteristics of the patient whose blood was used, we arranged another proving at the School of Homoeopathy. This remedy was made up at Nelsons Homoeopathic Pharmacy from the blood of another terminal AIDS patient: Mr M.R.
The proving symptoms were so similar to the first proving that they will not be included in this book. Once again the most outstanding features were:Mind:
Immediate reaction of floating, happiness, playfulness.
Able to fit lots of work into a very short space of time.
Or the opposite: extreme heaviness and sluggishness.
Concern about children, needing protection.
Dreams of huge houses with many staircases and dark passages.
Dreams of threats of violence.
Loss of money, jewellery, possessions.
Loss of words, cannot express himself.
Angry with everybody and desire to kill.
Anger at injustice.
Anger about being 'subjected' to this proving.
Great fear of terminal illness.
Fear of impending disease.
Death is inevitable.Physical:
Feeling as if about to go down with a bad cold or flu.
Itching in eyes, spreading to rest of body.
Many eye problems.
Became short sighted. (Also: short-sightedness cured)
Blisters in mouth, on face and lips.
Acidums: Tiredness and exhaustion. Strong desire for unity.
Arsenicum: Restlessness. Desire for order. Fear of disease.
Carcinosin: Desire for order. Responsible people. Long history of domination by others. Recurring fevers.
Germanium: Feelings of self-disgust. Loss of boundaries inwards; excessive boundaries outwards.
Kali bromatum: Sexual guilt and singled out for divine vengeance.
Lac caninum: History of abuse. Self loathing. Delusion doesn't belong.
Lac humanum: Do I adhere to my values or those of society?
Mercurius: Rotten inside, rotten outside. Ulceration. Syphilitic miasm to fore.
Natrum mur.: Theme of semi-permeable membrane - keeping others out. Vesicles.
Phosphorous: Dissolution of boundaries. Fearfulness.
Rhus tox: Restlessness. Hard working. Afraid of hidden threat of violence. Physical symptoms of cold and flu. Blisters and vesicles.
Stage 8 remedies: Persevering, keeping going, even when under great pressure.
Staphysagria: History of injury/abuse.
Syphilinum: Contamination, washing, estranged. Destructive pathology, drug abuse. Ulceration.