The Materia Medica of Falco Peregrinus Disciplinatus
Day began on an upswing, mood elevated but by afternoon it was descending. 01P 017 XX.XX OS
I felt quite low for most of the day but I'm on a bit of an upswing now. 01P 018 23.30 NS
Again last night I became quite directionless, going round and round, picking up things, putting them down again, doing something else, then dropping it. 01P 030 XX.XX NS
Contact with the group energy has put me into a tailspin! 01P 031 XX.XX NS
Also feeling up and down. At times felt really high, wanted to just sit. The energy would go and the another wave would come again. 02P 001 XX.XX NS
Feelings both physical and mental, came and went in waves for the rest of the night. 02P 001 XX.XX NS
Rapidly changing emotions and states in extremes, depths of state - heightened state. 02P 007 XX.XX NS
I do seem to be flipping from feeling quite trippy, to carefree, to calm, to emotional, to despondent, very changeable, much more than usual, I do tend to take things personally but I am intense and rapidly changeable. 02P 007 XX.XX NS
Partner and I alternate state constantly, he is down in despair and I open up and become caring, then we switch. Usually we complement each other more. 02P 040 XX.XX AS
Seeing a break-dancing spider in the middle of the floor. 06P 001 17.00 NS
Felt like waves, up and down feeling, no periodicity. 06P 001 XX.XX NS
Waves, quite high then down again. 06P 001 XX.XX NS
Very tired, depressed in morning on waking, inertia. Once up, very active almost manic. 06P 026 XX.XX RS
My husband says its been quite difficult coping with my ups and downs this month. 07P 000 XX.XX NS
I drive home (usually I ask him to drive because I don't like driving). The first roundabout we come to I ask "which way do I go round it?" I really couldn't think for a few seconds which way I should go. I've never done that before - not even when I was learning. My husband laughs at me and says "you go whichever way you want". I was surprised at his response, because normally he would have got cross with me for asking such a question. 07P 001 19.00 NS
Made playdough seafood creatures with children today. I made the spiral one just like the spirals someone had drawn on Sunday. Made me shudder looking at the pictures of all the seafood, wet and slimy.Yuk! 07P 032 XX.XX NS
I keep going round and round in a disorganised state. Can't get my act together. I realise this has been happening all through the month. It's as if I can't co-ordinate, like when you first have to get a meal for a number of people, and everything is ready at different times and you make a mess of it. That has been happening a lot at home. I haven't noticed it at work. My house is a tip, my homework and all my college paperwork are all in a disorganised state. 07P 037 XX.XX NS
I felt I wanted to move in a rhythm - and moved my feet as if to music. This felt very good. I thought how wonderful it would be to rock in a hammock. 08P 001 17.00 NS
In meditation - felt I was windsurfing for a long time. Then there were waves bobbing up and down - like 'cut out' wooden waves used in a theatre production - they were bobbing up and down - slowly and rhythmically. 08P 001 17.00 NS
Several of us went into the garden and there was a hammock! This was too much! 08P 001 21.00 NS
I had a wonderful time blowing bubbles with one of the bubble pots I had bought in the shop. In the end I reached a point where I had to leave the hammock or I wouldn't want to / be able to leave - I would just stay in a very dreamy state. The feeling of being very calm inside and dreamy seemed to be increased by any rocking / bobbing type motion. 08P 001 21.00 NS
On the drive back from the party we kept going round and round the same roundabouts etc. and taking / nearly taking wrong turnings. It was ridiculous - there was a mixture of laughter and shouting at each other. 08P 001 24.00 NS
Saw a vision of a large, splendid, spiral staircase with me at the bottom looking up in wonder. 09P 001 17.30 NS
Flash of a mental image 2/3 times a day: There is a black void of chaos, with swirling clouds and tremendous energy. The blackness is alive with wild winds and movement. Then I suddenly see a cluster of long scarves, very thin beautiful and flowing. They are each of the most beautiful colours, jewel-like, each unique. They are swirling around in the hurricanes of the void of blackness. I fear they will be blown away or ripped to shreds. Then my consciousness journeys from the outer edge of one scarf to the other end. I see, with relief and delight that all the coloured scarves are held on a most noble, simple and strong circle - a ring of pure gold. They can flutter and fly but they are strongly and preciously secured at the centre. I realise that the gold ring is my core, unchanging, precious and safe. The scarves are my feelings and experiences reaching into a chaotic void of all possibilities. They seem frail and vulnerable, but they are dazzling and mobile, and they are held safely. This has been a gift of understanding which I have been given to help and reassure me. 15G 000 XX.XX NS
Flashes of neon colour span round in a wide circle around me. 15G 001 16.30 NS
At the party I had my nails painted in bright, pearlised colours, I was finding colours and shapes fascinating and beautiful. 15G 001 22.00 NS
On the way back from the party, I got lost serveral times and found myself driving around roundabouts two or three times. 15G 001 23.00 NS
I made a brightly coloured stained-glass window . Fascinated with colours and light. 15G 010 XX.XX RS
I don't know what is going on. Moments of peace, calm, and periods of feeling totally content and strong in myself. Then a judder and a jolt, a complete wave of despair and vulnerability. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
The movement of the past few days' events like a film reel moving on and on. 15G 022 XX.XX NS
While driving along in the distance on a hill I saw a man and a boy were flying a kite, it kept going up and down. I kept thinking that it was dangerous, that the kite might come down in front of the car. Felt that they were too close to the road, got really angry. I drove around the roundabout and stopped the car on the pavement. I was going to tell the man that it was really dangerous, I climbed over the fence then burst into laughter I realized the man was a long way off and no danger. I sat on the fence laughing. It was really strange. 16G 001 19.00 NS
Went out by myself - feeling very good, pleased with myself, I walked out on the dam on the stream without a thought, after a few minutes I noticed how precariously I was perched and thought quite calmly, "You'd break a leg if you fell off here", but I didn't go back immediately. 01P 001 18.00 NS
Drove to party with others - "How can he drive like this?" Thought about having an accident we seemed to be going so close to other vehicles, but I was only mildly concerned as I felt so at ease. Thought an accident would be "somewhat" of a problem to explain. 01P 001 20.00 NS
Enjoyed party - had nails painted - very much in the moment. 01P 001 23.00 NS
Feel on the verge of hallucinating, of things disintegrating but not scared. 02P 001 17.00 NS
I have felt quite wiped out and drained of life all morning, yet quite content, mellow and relaxed. Really enjoyed being with the kids today in a very relaxed way. 02P 023 XX.XX NS
In the evening I felt really playful, happy, dancey, back to normal but more intense. 02P 072 XX.XX CS
Feel very active, playful, light. Feel like looking after myself again, washing, brushing hair. Back to swimming, doing yoga. 02P 074 XX.XX NS
Picked up some students from Bristol. On the way back a confusion of lanes resulted in having to avoid a van. What was noticeable retrospectively was how I didn't get emotionally involved: there was no nervousness where normally there would have been. 03P 002 09.30 NS
Continued to feel relaxed and not in a hurry to do anything, would normally have been hurriedly busy. 03P 003 10.00 NS
Was very happy this morning - unusual for a Monday, beaming at everyone, just not bothered by it. Nothing bothered me today. Grinning all day - someone asked me if I'd won the lottery. 05P 003 XX.XX NS
That stage when you have had a few drinks before you go over the top. 07P 001 17.00 NS
Erratic driving, Pwar that was close, but it didn't matter. 07P 001 18.00 NS
As soon as my husband gets into the car with me he notices a difference. He starts to moan about waiting for me, but I don't care, I just sit and grin, I feel very relaxed. "You looked spaced out" he says. I told him we'd taken a remedy. He seems to tune straight in with me and we both laugh. He has taken on my mood and that feels good. 07P 001 19.00 NS
Very laid back and relaxed for rest of evening. No desire to go to bed early even though I've been so sleepy during the day. 07P 025 22.00 NS
I find it very difficult to take anything seriously at all, great fun. 08P 002 XX.XX NS
Not thinking as much as I normally do. 09P 001 17.00 NS
Don't want to move, talk, laugh, engage at all. Saw nothing and thought nothing most of the time. 09P 001 17.30 NS
Felt adolescent, but without the self-consciousness, inhibitions and hang-ups. Stoned, but without the paranoia and thoughts. 13G 002 XX.XX NS
Periods of great stillness - completely unworried by things. 13G 002 XX.XX NS
Can't study my heart isn't in it. Previously I would have spent hours and days researching and taking notes. This time I'm only reading a bit and then writing straight down with no first draft. I seem to have lost the tight standards of perfection which before I would have imposed mercilessly on myself. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
Can't think long term at all, it seems irrelevant and futile speculation. 15G 031 XX.XX NS
Following the proving, on the same day, I did find myself in a state of care free. Nothing was a problem and whatever happened to me I would handle it. I feel very free-spirited. 17G 001 XX.XX NS
I was aware that I was really silly but it didn't matter. 17G 001 XX.XX NS
Boyfriend lost job, not worried but euphorically giggly, childlike, playful. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Whilst I was cooking I was all over the place - soup which usually takes 20 minutes took over an hour, I kept thinking of different things to add and different ways to make it, used three or four saucepans instead of one. 02P 006 12.00 NS
Absentminded, a few times over the past few days I've forgotten to turn the hotplates off. I never forget. 02P 006 XX.XX NS
Forget what day of the week it is. 02P 025 XX.XX NS
My memory feels totally non-existent, I can't remember things from second to second, let alone from day to day, my memory isn't normally outstanding but it is nowhere near this bad. 02P 060 XX.XX NS
Kept losing the thread in conversations, I didn't now what on earth people were talking about. 05P 002 11.00 NS
Lost the drift in group work. Loads of homework, didn't care. Didn't hand in any homework as I didn't finish, wasn't too bothered. 05P 002 17.00 NS
Forgot to put potatoes in the oven tonight. Put the oven on, prepared the potatoes. Looked in the oven 45 minutes later, and realised I had forgotten to put them in - the oven was empty, with the potatoes on the top. 05P 003 19.00 NS
Am extremely forgetful - forgot purse, cards and cheque book this morning. 05P 003 XX.XX NS
Very forgetful still - forgot I had booked car in for cam belt and had to go back to the garage (late) where someone was waiting to give me a lift to work. 05P 006 08.00 NS
Very forgetful. Have contraceptive monitor, 'Persona' - I'm usually very good about doing the tests. I went to the bathroom this morning, got the monitor, it flashed (indicating that she needed to test?), put my contact lenses in, had a wee and realised I'd forgotten to use the stick for the test - not like me at all. 05P 006 08.00 NS
I went to the wrong place; I'd been going two years but forgot the rooms had changed 2 weeks ago, I went to the wrong room. 06P 004 XX.XX RS
Went out with 3 adults and 5 kids but never got to the Fair. 06P 016 XX.XX RS
I find it difficult to concentrate, there is no clarity in note taking. I couldn't think of the words I wanted to write down. I noticed this was happening when I was speaking as well. I couldn't think of the word that I wanted. 07P 015 09.30 NS
I get to work, my brain seems muddled. I'm so absentminded. I tell people I'm going mad, I'm losing my marbles. I keep repeating these phrases because I'm seeking reassurance that I'm not going mad, because I actually feel I am. 07P 033 XX.XX NS
I'm so absentminded. 07P 034 XX.XX NS
I had totally forgotten about the arrangement with supervisor. 08P 005 XX.XX NS
I shut my finger in the car door and have found myself becoming extremely clumsy. I am constantly walking into things and dropping things. 09P 000 XX.XX NS
Could not get the right words to describe something, in a meeting when several people that I did not know were listening to me, not a new symptom but I have been feeling more clear-thinking and less lost for the right words since the proving. 09P 005 XX.XX CS
Some short-term and longer-term forgetfulness about details, not new but actually aware of shortcomings. 09P 014 XX.XX NS
At lunch time I felt like we were bumbling into each other; felt really silly about cutting vegetables. 10G 001 17.00 NS
Mixing up words calling things by other names: "My hoover is broken" instead of "My washing machine is broken." 15G 000 XX.XX AS
Can't remember messages that people tell me to pass on to others. 15G 000 XX.XX NS
I am now calling things by the wrong names. 15G 000 XX.XX RS
Fell down stairs after getting up in morning. Never normally do things like this. Put my foot on top step. Skin on soles of feet felt really dry. Foot just didn't seem to connect in a stable way with step, slipped off and I slid down whole length of stairs on my back and bum. Severe bruising on bum, very stunned for half hour or so. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
I missed college the weekend of the proving, didn't realize it was on, thought it was the following weekend, so drove down, no-one was there. 24G 008 XX.XX NS
Feel high but in my body. Unbounded but quite grounded. 01P 001 17.00 NS
Climbed up in the adventure playground. Got into a situation that I felt was dangerous, but I thought this is dangerous - but didn't feel any fear - I turned around and walked back. 01P 001 XX.XX NS
A conscious aversion to being too rational, to wanting to be too organized. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
Thinking about being calm, an afternoon last week, just doing something for the fun of it, just being rather than setting it up and keeping it orderly. I made a mappa mundi collage with the kids which was a mellow experience, just a messy arty thing. We used to do this, maybe it is the return of an old state. Pleased so much that I can just relax and hang out with my kids. 02P 020 XX.XX OS
Drove back from the party (had had some wine but not too much ) quite fast but well, changing speed as necessary. It seemed faster to the others in the car than to me. 03P 001 24.00 NS
Bicycle ride - went at a leisurely pace, no hurry, calmer than usual. 03P 003 17.00 NS
We arrive home, my eldest son says I look stoned. The other two children tap straight into my mood and love it. My daughter says I'm wild and free. My husband says I seem frivolous - as if I don't care. I notice there is an absence of my usual anxieties and I've loosened up. 07P 001 19.00 NS
Relaxed but well-grounded. 09P 001 17.30 NS
Feeling very horny. 10G 001 17.00 NS
Drew a kite earlier and felt as if I was flying and drew birds. 10G 001 17.00 NS
I had difficulties driving, I felt quite chilled out about driving, normally I would get stressed out. 15G 001 XX.XX NS
I drove home that evening in a record time of 1hr 10min, a journey which usually takes me 1hr 30min. I drove at high speed, I was aware of the speed but I didn't care. At one stage I spotted a police car in my mirror, fully aware that I was well over the speed limit, I carried on. I remember thinking, well I would be done for that and it would be a shame since I have never had any endorsement on my licence. Nevertheless I didn't ease off the speed and thought it would be OK and it was, the police car left the motorway before they got to me. I was aware on my journey home that my driving was somewhat careless and that if I was not more careful I would have an accident, but it didn't stop me. 17G 001 XX.XX NS
Was very speedy. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Dream-like state in the room. 00G 001 17.00 NS
Sensation/visual impression of ground and darkly cloudy sky - the horizon moving towards me - as I allow it to speed up I am trajected into space, rushing towards the stars. 01P 001 17.00 NS
Sense of [my] consciousness being lifted higher, the "top of my head/awareness" expanding above myself. 01P 001 17.00 NS
Keep looking at my hands - gripping my knees. 01P 001 17.00 NS
Body much smaller than my head. 01P 001 17.00 NS
Sensation of horizon moving towards me and then lifting. Like a ball, or two balls spinning towards me. 01P 001 17.00 NS
I had a sense of expanded consciousness. 01P 001 17.00 NS
I felt that all my "small self" needs could just arise and be dealt with or not, I felt really good. 01P 002 XX.XX NS
Got up to pee - a bit disappointed that I'd not remembered any dreams rather like Saturday night - went back to bed and almost immediately slipped back into dream - got up realized that my dream/waking worlds were so close that I hadn't seen what was dream and what not. The whole dream came flooding back and I noted it. 01P 003 07.00 NS
Very much in my head. 01P 003 XX.XX NS
Feeling quite "spaced-out" again feeling quite confident, relaxed. 01P 007 XX.XX NS
Very spaced-out. 01P 008 13.00 NS
The other main theme is this sort of spaciness I get, especially in the car. The detachment becomes so intense that it sort of starts off with a numbness in my legs, which is kind of strange when you are driving. When we first took the remedy, it was like tripping, like the world was going to disintegrate in front of me, and it happens every time I get into a car. 02P 000 XX.XX NS
In the pub at lunchtime I had a wave of alteredness come again. 02P 000 XX.XX NS
My auto-responses lessened. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Immediate effect of feeling inwardly focused. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Kept phasing in and out with strong experiences same as yesterday. 02P 002 10.30 NS
Felt very dreamy, trippy, things seemed unreal. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
Waves of detachment and altered state started coming again. Particularly strong from 11.00 - 13.00. When they came there was a lot of focus in my stomach, I was very aware of it and felt as if it was expanding. 02P 006 12.00 NS
I stood up and felt incredibly dizzy and trippy, right out of my body. 02P 006 18.00 NS
Partner came down and I was acting like I was stoned but I wasn't. It's like I've been stoned all day. 02P 006 XX.XX NS
The rest of the day was dreamy and calm, immersing myself in cooking. 02P 020 XX.XX NS
Big rush of alteredness on the way home. Was driving and had the sensation of hands on the wheel with the wheel being large and throbbing as were my hands, but I had no awareness of my arms. The outside really felt like it could disintegrate at any time, like tripping. Very detached and zoomed in on me being separate from life, I thought then I should pull off the road for a while and then the state diminished. 02P 021 XX.XX NS
Drove partner to town, actually he drove, and as soon as we got into the car I had the waves of alteredness and detatchment come over me, there is a definite link to being in the car. Very much an awareness centred in the stomach, like it is enlarged. 02P 021 XX.XX NS
Last night I had quite a long chat with partner on the phone, I felt close, clear, confident, calm and loving, and playful. A bit spacey too, with many waves coming and going. Was chatting from my heart, he seemed very centred and I was giving him bits of music to listen to. I felt very optimistic and bright at end when I went to bed. He said I was flaky and was afraid. 02P 022 XX.XX NS
I felt so mellow, like I could just flow with this and be. 02P 023 XX.XX NS
Focused quite hard in the car so I wouldn't lose it to a strong wave of detachment. 02P 024 XX.XX NS
Felt like I've been coasting all week, things have been fairly calm. 02P 057 XX.XX NS
Spaced, only similar experience was going under the influence of marijuana. 03P 001 17.00 NS
It feels extra-still in the room. 03P 001 17.00 NS
My writing is jittery. Unexpected in this unhurried situation. 03P 001 17.00 RS
I was really shaky, stoned feeling. 05P 001 18.00 NS
While driving home I kept looking up at the clouds and thinking I must stop doing this. 05P 001 19.00 NS
Felt stoned out of my brain. Couldn't talk much. Can't remember much of the evening, felt dreamlike. 05P 001 XX.XX NS
When we got to college and started talking about "the night before", I started feeling really stoned again. 05P 002 10.00 NS
In the evening talked to husband about the day, kept saying bits about the proving effect on the group and worrying it might make me go up again. I felt like a balloon on a piece of string, the slightest gust would take me off. Felt I could go at any minute. 05P 002 20.00 NS
Felt high, not really there. 05P 002 XX.XX NS
Still feel a bit floaty. 05P 003 XX.XX NS
Didn't want to drive to work, felt out of control. 05P 005 08.30 NS
Time went really slowly - couldn't believe it was so early, when I had done so much. 05P 008 XX.XX NS
Driving a 10 minute journey that I do frequently I lost my sense of direction. I couldn't think which way I should go. I found myself drifting in and out of awareness. I couldn't remember if I had passed certain points or what came next. Terrible lack of concentration. 07P 025 19.30 NS
Feel as if windsurfing. Everything bobbing, but like phoney waves. 08P 001 17.00 NS
Felt strange all day, not really there. 08P 002 XX.XX NS
I was apprehensive about starting my work this month, with no feeling of urgency to get it done and I was finding it difficult to start. 09P 000 XX.XX AS
Time passed very easily, I lost sense of time. 09P 001 17.30 NS
Dreamy state. 09P 001 17.30 NS
Felt high like a bird. 10G 001 17.00 NS
Being high up. Feel slightly "out of body". 12G 001 17.00 NS
Seeing giraffes, long necks. 12G 001 17.00 NS
I felt I somehow lost the 'reflective' quality or ability for a few days - no reflection on what I was doing or what was happening. Meditation was impossible - too easily distracted, but in a different kind of way to usual. Sort of not able to hold a thought; lots of little, fleeting thoughts, almost, rather than getting distracted following off on a thought train. Odd, this mixture of being 'in the present' yet being simultaneously detached from it or not connected to it. 13G 000 XX.XX NS
Felt heavy, still. 13G 001 17.00 NS
Felt stoned. Timeless and in the present, not many thoughts. 13G 001 19.00 NS
Quite happy to sit still. 13G 002 XX.XX NS
After two minutes of silence I had a sensation of rising. 15G 001 16.30 NS
Driving home was difficult, I felt that I was not really in myself. 15G 002 18.00 AS
Could not focus on study. 15G 003 XX.XX NS
Inability to focus mind on rational, sequential thought or any study, can't concentrate. 15G 005 XX.XX NS
Felt a need to go slow and steady. 15G 005 XX.XX NS
Had a very silly evening, but it didn't seem that way at the time. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Felt very peaceful, giggly, silly, adolescent, content, stroppy, confident. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Giggly laughter, started when I put my dressing gown on after I'd already put some clothes on, which 1 never do. I caught sight of it in the mirror and it looked bizarre. 03P 003 09.00 NS
Made a silly joke. 03P 005 09.00 NS
I had a feeling of being childlike. 04P 000 XX.XX NS
I was shaking so much I didn't know how I was going to drive home. When we went into the car park, friend asked if I felt okay to drive, I said yes. We got into the car, and as I started to reverse I said "At least there aren't many cars, anyway, if I hit one everyone's so busy laughing they'll probably just roar with laughter. I'll say "sorry I've written your car of" and they'll all fall around laughing". Friend started laughing, and then I started laughing, I felt almost hysterical. We drove off screaming with laughter. Tears were in my eyes, I could hardly see, I was laughing so much. I thought/said I wonder if I should go home via some lanes to avoid police cars. Had to drive very carefully/slowly. There were some bollards in Wick, I said "I haven't seen those before"; Friend said no, she hadn't, I said perhaps they aren't there! and we start laughing, 05P 001 18.00 NS
Empathised with 11 year old girls but felt quite heavy and adult. 06P 001 21.00 NS
Became quite high, childlike, silly, felt quite stoned, giggly, didn't want to let it out. 06P 001 XX.XX OS
Laughing, I've wanted a good laugh for a good time. 07P 001 17.00 NS
Just feel like laughing. 07P 001 17.00 NS
Felt childish, silly. 07P 001 18.00 NS
Feel giggly, terrific urge to laugh and laugh, right from the abdomen - a real belly laugh. 07P 001 18.00 NS
I ring my supervisor and tell her what's been going on. I haven't been talking to her while I felt I was going mad. She said "find a way to protect yourself". 07P 034 20.30 NS
In the group I felt a wonderful sense of serenity - also felt that I was holding back because I really wanted to have fits of giggles. Once someone laughed, I could laugh which was a great relief. It was like being a child when you have the giggles - the slightest thing sets you off and everything is hilarious. 08P 001 17.00 NS
It's very hard to be serious. 08P 001 17.00 NS
At a party I was very amused and delighted to see that a young girl was wearing black boots similar to the ones I had seen in the meditation. 08P 001 21.00 NS
Felt very giggly all evening. 08P 001 XX.XX NS
Felt giggles bubbling under again. 13G 002 XX.XX NS
It was as if part of me went back to being a young girl and part of me stayed my proper age, the memory was so vivid. 23G 000 XX.XX NS
Sat around giggling and gossiping for a long time. 00G 001 17.30 NS
Stayed with group, communing in the hall. We were all crammed in the entrance hall of Wick, people would come and go as they pleased. 01P 001 18.00 NS
Felt very bonded to everyone in our year group and quite motherly and protective to those who also took the remedy. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Had a few occasions to really hang out and chat and I felt very relaxed, talked about personal issues, laughed and joked, feeling comfortable, it was really nice. Didn't feel my normal background need to seem special, or appreciated. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
Had a strong feeling of wishing I was going home to be with partner and the kids, I usually like to prolong my times away and have a sense of foreboding at the thought of going home. 02P 015 XX.XX NS
At the end of the day's teaching, like the others, I didn't move to go home, just content to sit there in the stillness. 03P 002 17.00 NS
At party, buzzy and fiery. Full of nervous energy. Avoiding quiet people to be with buzzy and fiery people. 06P 016 XX.XX RS
Feel tremendous bonding with the group. 07P 001 18.00 NS
It's great to reunite with the group. I feel wonderful and some of the group comment on how bright I look. 07P 002 09.40 NS
I feel very emotional about election results. I can't help thinking about my granddad who died two years ago. How pleased he would be with the results. On watching Tony Blair and his wife arrive at Downing Street I feel great stirrings. To see the welcome the crowd gave him made me weep. I was touched by the warmth of the crowd. I had a sense of a great bonding of the country, the joy of the crowd, the hero's welcome - all touched me and it was great to cry so freely. Thoughts of my granddad came up - how pleased he would have been. I felt sad that he wasn't here to share in it. I felt that if his energy was out there somewhere, I was feeling open enough to allow him to experience it through me. 07P 014 08.00 NS
The day went okay and the despondency lifted on mixing with the group. 07P 029 09.00 NS
I was reluctant to leave the group - this is unusual for me! By the end of the day I normally feel I want some space from the group thing. 08P 001 18.00 NS
It was much easier to talk to the other members of the group - for example for whatever reason I had never really spoken much to one person. At the party it was easy. I have felt generally it is much easier to follow my feelings. 08P 001 22.00 NS
Felt I did not want to leave group, usually can't wait to leave by late Sunday afternoon. 08P 002 17.00 NS
Wanted to play with people. 08P 002 XX.XX NS
Got to bed late due to election. Enjoyed being part of the excitement, often this is not the case as I find excitement difficult, feel out of it. Felt uplifted by result all day. 09P 013 XX.XX CS
Everyone wanted to stay together. 12G 002 XX.XX NS
Felt very easy around everyone. Great camaraderie. 13G 002 XX.XX NS
Find I am repeating what someone else is saying. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Whenever somebody felt or looked lost, it felt quite attractive to me. Felt like it might be nice to become more intimate with people I saw as low and vulnerable. 02P 001 17.00 OS
Felt protective, felt bonded to everyone I was with. Felt mothering. Wanted to touch and stroke people. 02P 002 11.00 NS
I still have the protective thing, a sort of mothering, I just want to make sure that everyone's OK. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
Many people around me are dealing with death and very sick relatives and I feel that I have the confidence to be there for them. 02P 006 XX.XX NS
Went to see supervisor and, although her whole life was being turned upside down, we both seemed calm and connected with each other and mutually supportive. So many of her symptoms match that there has to be a deep connection and resonance between the two of us. 02P 021 XX.XX NS
I've been uncomfortable showing my own stuff, not wanting to evoke pity, yet empathy does feel good. 02P 059 XX.XX NS
The feeling of finding others' compassion and caring overwhelming still remains. 02P 059 XX.XX NS
Felt tearful when someone talked about the baby she's carrying. 03P 001 17.30 RS
Felt closer to the student who was travelling with me, more-intimate sharing. 03P 002 19.00 RS
There are some kids with some really challenging behaviour that I work with and this time I have been standing up to them and really wanting to be with them and feeling a lot of love and a lot of enjoyment being with these kids, which is surprising because I usually dislike them, but I always gravitate towards the really difficult ones. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
My only worry was my brother, concern to look after him. 06P 009 XX.XX NS
Pleased with Labour victory even though I don't like politics. Surprised it affected me. 06P 014 XX.XX NS
Watched programme, felt disgust at deceit of someone in the programme - really touched me, made me feel more miserable. 07P 007 20.00 NS
Woke up in a bad mood, negative about everything -the state of my house, getting my homework done. I feel as if everything is getting on top of me, feeling resentful about amount of work. I confess it all to my husband and I'm easily reassured about everything by him. This is unusual for me - I find I mostly dwell on these feelings when I have them. 07P 020 08.00 NS
Things are tense at school. Bad behaviour from one child affecting us all. I feel slightly stirred up by it (my usual sort of anxiousness). Perhaps numbing is wearing off. 07P 020 12.30 NS
We discuss the proving. One prover's story was very sad and moving. I could relate to the place she was in and felt I had been there in my past. Normally I would have been choked at the story and would have fought back the tears. I didn't feel a sadness in my usual way, the numbing of the remedy was preventing that. It was as if I was detached, as if I was on the outside looking in on something that didn't affect me. A coldness. I have noticed that I have a sensitivity to atmosphere that seems stronger since the remedy. It doesn't seem to be words that are affecting me so much as an instinctual feel for people's restlessness and unhappiness. I realise this has been happening on and off all month. I recall sitting next to the headteacher in a meeting. I felt I absorbed his inner turmoil and anxiety, it was very unsettling for me. (I checked with the Deputy Head about how the Head was feeling, in case it was my own stuff. She told me that he was feeling extremely anxious and wound up by things). Another incident was a child who sat next to me to read. She was very restless and agitated and I felt I absorbed it right into my gut. Something wasn't right with her, the feeling passed a few minutes after she left me. 07P 031 10.00 NS
I felt conscious of feeling different to those around me in some way. This was fine but an unusual feeling. There was a group of several shopping baskets on the floor of the shop and their presence really bothered me. I was anxious that a friend might trip over them. In the end I kicked them out of the way a bit. 08P 001 20.30 NS
Felt cold when someone was talking about being sad. 08P 002 10.30 NS
I sat next to this man, a chiropractor, but I didn't like it, there was something odd, something about his aura, he was not nasty, it just felt odd, it felt cold: the side of my body next to him. I felt very uncomfortable. A bloke came later on and sat next to me on my left and it was really strange, 5 to 10 minutes later I felt warm and comfortable on this side, the other side was cold and uncomfortable, I felt very strange. It was like a temperature gradient across me. I leant over and tried to talk to the bloke's wife and try to talk to them. Felt like the chiropractor was competing with the other man, making fun of him. I didn't want to be sat next to him. He said something quite nasty to my friend whose birthday it was and I poked him in the ribs, very unlike me. It feels like I am picking up auras, it feels like I am much more sensitive than what I am normally. I can't stand aggression. At one point during the end of the evening, the chiropractor started having an argument with my friend whose birthday it was. I had to leave the table. I didn't want to be in that space, I went to the phone. I remember when he left I felt a tremendous sense of relief. The same when I was with my boyfriend, although I still felt very cold chilly. When we got home we went to bed and that was fine. 08P 003 20.30 NS
I resonated very strongly with a video case of a man who was a very sad case and needed Opium. He was likely to die soon but wanted to be told that he was loved unconditionally. Not a new symptom but was very aware of my resonance. 09P 015 XX.XX AS
Was feeling stupid still and very aware of my forgetfulness. I resonated strongly with a woman who could not remember things and kept jumping between two languages. Forgetfulness not new but I was more aware of it and felt keenly about this problem. 09P 016 XX.XX NS
There has been a strong need to stand up against any form of oppression, whether it be to myself or to others. 15G 019 XX.XX OS
I felt so grateful for support and kindness. 15G 022 XX.XX NS
Clairvoyance. I knew what someone was going to say when they came downstairs. I wrote the sentence on a piece of paper, they said the same sentence on entering the room. 15G 029 XX.XX AS
Went to look at a hill, felt that I was on top of the world. Felt optimistic about moving. 02P 004 XX.XX NS
I noticed a robin sitting outside the window, still, for a long time. 03P 001 17.00 NS
As someone talked about each of the 7 woods that his table was made of, I seemed to be able to sense the qualities of each wood as I felt it. 03P 001 22.00 NS
Remarkable meditation with strong sense of my energy field around me. 03P 008 08.00 NS
By the sea. Strong emotional response to looking at the sea: the waves and the sun reflecting off the water. Felt like crying. Much stronger response than I've had in the past. 03P 009 12.00 NS
Very stressful day - partly because the cat decided to go off and hide - this is the last time we take him on holiday with us! We spent over 4 hours looking for him, with no success - husband's going back for him tomorrow, then went home, through and absolutely horrific storm - hailstones and floods! When we got in we received a call to say the cat had returned. We both felt really stressed out this evening. I felt very guilty for not ringing supervisor during the week (to bore her rigid with all this "navel-contemplating"! She was probably pleased I didn't). 05P 027 XX.XX NS
Relief that it's been raining, I was worried about the water running out 06P 007 XX.XX NS
Feel despondency over the state of the world. We don't respect our environment, we are destroying the planet, we have no respect for each other. Perhaps I'm just tired from a busy weekend. 07P 017 17.00 OS
Despondent about lack of concern for our environment - for each other as a race. 07P 028 19.30 OS
Driving from College, I felt very disorientated by the storm approaching. It felt as if the air was charged up and it was affecting me. I had nausea and slight vertigo. The lightening was unnerving me, scaring me. I felt unsafe. 07P 030 18.30 NS
I went for a walk. Talked to the chickens. 10G 001 17.00 NS
Immediate reaction - fleeting thought of the sensation of an animal in the room. 13G 001 14.30 NS
Got into a totally inappropriate conversation with 2 seven year olds and a 4 year old, about the desperate need for rain - I was saying that we would die of hunger and thirst if it didn't rain. Felt anxious and angry inside that it hasn't rained. Felt desperate about it, like I wanted to go home and lay in a bath of cool water and drink lots, like I would dry up, shrivel up if it didn't rain. (Usually tolerate or even enjoy rain, but also enjoy warmth and sunshine.) 13G 006 XX.XX NS
Feeling of delight and joy as the swallows and house martins have arrived. Sensation of oneness with them in their flying. 15G 005 XX.XX OS
A feeling over the last few days: time and space just to expand, potter and be quiet - not doing very much at all, yet feeling good and soft. Even the homoeopathy work does not oppress me or press in on me. Having space to myself helps me to feel very much closer to myself and centred in my being. 15G 010 XX.XX NS
I am aware of nature, the profusion of wild flowers and insects, the feel of the wind and its sound, the song of the birds, the shadows of clouds across the sun. All these phenomena present a fresh and vibrant tangibility. All this fills me with content, abundance and gratitude. 15G 010 XX.XX OS
My feelings welled up in me and I rushed off into the night with a sleeping bag and spent the night in my car on the moor. 15G 018 XX.XX OS
There needs to be more freshness and more air and space around. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
Wanting space, wanting to be at home, wanting to be alone. 15G 030 XX.XX OS
A feeling of spaciousness and peace, a connection with my feelings and a sense of being really present. 15G 031 XX.XX AS
I felt the need to get away, to go into the mountains. I got in the car and drove to Wales. I went to the mountain where there is a lake associated with a spirit and with legends, it is my place of healing and pilgrimage. It was raining lightly and I climbed very fast. When I got to the lake my heart was pounding very hard. I then had this ecstatic experience or wish. That I should die there right then from a heart attack and my body would remain, an empty shell that would be found later, but my spirit would leave and plunge into the lake and sink through the very cold and very green waters. My spirit would entwine in a completely sensual way with the lithe green spirit of the lady of the lake and we would be entwined like that, in ecstasy forever. Her father, the legendary king of the lake, would no longer be in a position to object as I would be a spirit. It was probably the deepest ecstatic experience that I have had. 22G 000 XX.XX NS
Felt really uncomfortable in the tyre centre, waves of mental detachment coming over me. 02P 004 XX.XX NS
Did have strong anxiety in the bath alone last night. 02P 009 XX.XX IRS
Feel as if I am nervous, contradictory to other feelings. 03P 001 17.00 NS
Felt slightly, self-consciously nervous with a friend. 03P 007 19.00 NS
Very apprehensive. 05P 001 17.00 NS
During the meditation after taking the remedy I felt very scared. 05P 001 17.00 NS
Asked teacher in one break if she had been affected, she said "no" and I said "it's really weird", and thought I was going to cry. She said "Don't worry, it wears off quite quickly". Started to feel more grounded after lunch. 05P 002 12.00 NS
Worried about meditation taking me up again. 05P 002 17.00 NS
Felt cold tingly "hair-raising" type feeling in my head tonight around 8pm, also a sensation of something cold coming out of my head. 05P 004 20.00 NS
Went to neighbours for a drink this evening - felt on the edge of a panic attack all evening, not sure quite why, just this feeling of apprehension. 05P 015 XX.XX OS
I have been having these visions as well, on closing my eyes, of this thing that is around me - I close my eyes and there is something moving about me, I've been trying to see what it is and it has been feeling quite menacing at times, but I am not scared of it, I have been looking for it, I want to meet it and contact it. Other times it didn't feel menacing but it was just large and black, like a torso without arms and legs, but just like a gravestone that is very big and moving about me, just there and it is unusual, but not particularly frightening. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
Very apprehensive that something might happen, about person leaving the room. 06P 001 17.00 NS
As I closed my eyes there was a menacing tall indistinct hammer-shaped presence. 06P 001 XX.XX NS
Wanted to be listened to but didn't want people coming asking if I'm all right. Wanting to be with people but keeping them away. Magnified. Usually open to people. Suspicious of attention though I wanted it. Wanted to be in the spotlight but didn't want it. 06P 002 XX.XX NS
Vision on going to sleep: something large and black, headless, armless torso. Gravestone shape. 06P 022 XX.XX NS
While telling supervisor about how I had revitalised the remedy I got trembly sensation in abdomen and legs, like a shivery tremble, but not cold. Similar to the sensations I had felt when I first took it. 07P 004 20.30 NS
At several stages during the meditation I saw a big platform boot. It seemed dark in colour and I couldn't see the top of it. It was as if I was looking up and I could only see up to the top of the calf of the boot. I didn't want to see the boot, but was not scared of it. It was an irritation because it stopped the feeling on bobbing up and down. 08P 001 17.00 NS
Nervous and afraid we were going to crash. I didn't like it at all. Sure that the driver was going to miss signs and traffic lights. 08P 001 19.00 NS
Immediately after being startled, felt light headed and felt I need something like cake/sugar. No cake in house so had some chocolate. 08P 003 16.30 NS
Quite suddenly, or so it seemed, about 10.30, this spooked, very scared, paranoid feeling came on, like there was somebody threatening about. Partner was out, the children were asleep. I am never usually worried at being in the house alone. Was fearful to go into the children's bedroom. Couldn't get rid of the thought that they had been invaded by body-snatchers and it wasn't really them lying there. Went and had a look eventually and they were sleeping peacefully, but I still felt they could leap up at any moment and attack me. I was concerned for my safety, not theirs (the reverse of usual). Went to do some work on the computer and the feeling subsided, but returned when I went to bed an hour later. This time, the paranoia was about the proving, that the remedy had permeated me and my body, and would be there always and I would never get back to the way I was before, would always have this fear and not be in control of my mind, powerless to do anything about it. Lots of thoughts of this nature (whereas had been fairly thought-free for the last 2 days) and couldn't sleep. Eventually dropped off. 13G 003 22.30 NS
Met my partner for a drink. I began to feel more and more uncomfortable and uneasy. 15G 032 XX.XX NS
I felt my small self "needs" would arise, I could see them quite clearly and objectively and I could allow them or let them go. 01P 001 XX.XX NS
Very happy, but not taken over by it, oddly detached, but I felt grounded and present and in my body, but there was a sense of detachment. 01P 002 XX.XX NS
A real need comes up and I can make a decision straight away, normally I would agonize over my decisions. I'm not just having my auto-response, I'm also having the option to respond or not. 01P 002 XX.XX NS
I became more and more an observer of my situation and myself. 01P 002 XX.XX NS
Detached - I didn't have to act on my emotions or to situation. 02P 001 17.00 NS
Got everything done without usual frenzied morning rush. Felt very relaxed, content doing my housework, not rushed like I usually do, time to play with daughter and still get things done. 02P 003 XX.XX NS
Had a mini-crisis with moving situation, but it didn't get me down. Despondency had lifted and I felt quite calm and optimistic, I am good at resting in optimism. 02P 006 XX.XX CS
There are a lot of themes here around true communication, speaking for the real you and moving. Where does the "inner, sacred you" find its voice to communicate its needs and pains and fears. 02P 012 XX.XX IOS
Woke up totally knackered and spaced but not despondent, rather I had a feeling of real optimism and to take life really moment by moment. It felt peaceful, strongly vulnerable, but nice. 02P 020 XX.XX NS
Daughter has become quite strong willed and obstinate, speaking her mind. I thought this is interesting as the remedy seems to be really about communication and saying what you feel, not selling yourself short. 02P 020 XX.XX NS
He was very upset, angry and unsure, I remained calm, caring and humble, I normally get resentful, emotional and angry. 02P 023 XX.XX NS
Did some chores unusually easily and readily. 03P 003 11.00 NS
I was not troubled by interruptions/intrusions to my thinking/to my space by my wife, or troubled by noise from my son, or troubled by aggravation between son and wife. I remained calm; and could switch easily to incoming data. 03P 004 XX.XX NS
When Misha was doing the Mappa Mundi - usually would have made me feel spacey, lifted me up, whereas it had the opposite affect, grounded me, gave me something to focus on. 05P 002 11.30 NS
I haven't been quite so angry, I am usually quite a passive/aggressive sort of person, I can smash things on my own and get into that victim state and hate people for it and that hasn't happened this month, I haven't been throwing things about my room or hitting my car, head butting my car wheel. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
More organised - tax return, bills. 06P 035 XX.XX CS
Feel there is a clarity or clearness of mind as I sit to do my homework. 07P 003 21.00 NS
Had some visitors coming for a meal. I didn't panic, remained nice and calm, laid back (alcohol didn't give me a lift). Everything fell into place throughout the day. Got on with my homework, didn't get flustered. It's been a great day - it seems as if my calmness has rubbed off on everyone around me! 07P 023 XX.XX NS
I feel clear in my head about things. I want to clear out cupboards and drawers, clear up and tidy up. (After antidoting) 07P 039 XX.XX NS
Very calm and still. 09P 001 17.30 NS
I urged my daughter to identify her wants and stick to them. They were hers and they were valid. 15G 000 XX.XX AS
Feel very clear and direct about conflicts with my partner, a need to defuse situations clearly, without aggression or submission. 15G 000 XX.XX AS
Emotions very moving. an unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable and communicate unless it felt safe and my boundaries would be respected. 15G 000 XX.XX OS
Don't want to get caught in too much doing. 15G 003 XX.XX NS
I have made myself a promise that I will no longer do the hard punishing stuff to myself. I seem to have no worries that really get to me in a hard and unsettling way. 15G 010 XX.XX NS
Strong inner urge to express and be creative. 15G 010 XX.XX RS
It's not that I feel that my emotions are all over the place - they don't feel chaotic in the sense that I can't understand them. It's rather that old and painful places are being exposed to the light, old pain is releasing, and I feel the urge to put a high value on myself in all areas. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
I have had a strange sense of detachment and a sort of cosmic view of things for a while. 15G 019 XX.XX OS
We would drop all expectations and dramas. This means, effectively, that we get out of the addictive dramas of finishing and all the subsequent pain, blame and self-hate. We got away from the fantasy of hope and expectation too, and the patterns of response which cause hurt and inflict punishment. 15G 023 XX.XX NS
Complete focus and energy. 15G 024 XX.XX NS
Strangely I seem to have very little focus on out there, activities or people in the world. I just want to concentrate on what is happening inside. 15G 026 XX.XX RS
Holding to decision to wait and stop in the relationship. Feel steady and firm and unresponsive to the anger and frustration of my partner. Very clear in communicating this, very unflustered. 15G 027 XX.XX NS
I trust that as the minutes and seconds unfold we will become clearer about the right path to take. Until then I will not collapse into drama and despair. 15G 027 XX.XX NS
Why isn't it ok for me to know what to do. Then amazingly calm and centred. like a movie reeling on. 15G 029 XX.XX AS
A sense of looking back over the past 3 years. Guilt, shame, joy, and strength, a summing up. Realising that I have sometimes betrayed and denied myself - deserted myself, through fearful compromise and lack of love. 15G 031 XX.XX AS
It is difficult to say if it is the proving or not, but ever since that day I have felt very free and in charge of my life. I look at situations whereas before I would have been threatened by them and anxious of the outcome, I now think it's OK, no worries. I very much feel centred, knowing that whatever I decide is the right decision. It's almost as if I feel protected, but I can't tell you from what or by what. It's a bit like I feel in charge of my little empire but by the same token my empire is protected and preserved, it's like nothing can really get to me, harm me. 17G 000 XX.XX CS
I remember the following day when the teacher was lecturing us thinking that he had been affected too. My first observation was regarding the hesitation and change of mind on what remedy to lecture on. Having decided on Camphor he proceeded to read at length about it. This is unusual for him. He is usually well grounded regarding his lectures. He usually asks someone else to read due to his dyslexia, but this time he read for a good while without hesitation. 21G 002 XX.XX NS
I came back from college (it was not on, having got the date wrong), not angry or worried as I'd normally be but quite euphoric. 24G 008 XX.XX NS
After an initial high and a kind of opening to the cosmos, the next day I felt balanced and relaxed and safe and confident and spontaneous. 01P 002 XX.XX NS
As I've been mulling over these notes my internal attitude underwent a definite upswing. I didn't realize until this time that I'd been having an underlying sense of futility - with no reason. I'm now experiencing a growing sense of optimism and confidence - notable more by contrast to the sense of "what's the use? " that I'd not been entirely aware of. 01P 009 XX.XX OS
Feeling that brisk "get on with it" feeling that doesn't allow me to sink too far into the mire. 01P 013 07.00 NS
Tired, but in good spirits - I accomplished a lot today, by just doing what I had to do. I feel quite relaxed, confident, the stiffness has gone. All this despite the cold I've got. 01P 020 23.00 NS
I feel less spaced-out, however, and still optimistic, fairly confident overall. The lowness I've been experiencing is more noticeable by its absence. 01P 023 13.00 OS
Noted my confidence level, my level of feeling at ease was greatly boosted when talking to teacher at college. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
Next morning when I awoke I was feeling very confident in my actions, in giving directions, such as with the children "No, you are going to school today and you are going to swimming" not resulting in me being heavy or argumentative which usually happens when I try to carry out some authoritative thing and not feeling fluffy and unsure, debating in my head what I should do; just quietly calm about it. 02P 003 09.00 NS
Despondency had lifted and I felt quite calm and optimistic, I am good at resting in optimism. 02P 006 XX.XX NS
Partner is away but I feel no anxiety at all in the house. 02P 008 XX.XX CS
An iron shield around me. 02P 010 XX.XX NS
The communication aspect of the proving is intense, of really speaking for yourself. She said both of her daughters had developed sore throats after speaking up for themselves in the home. 02P 021 XX.XX NS
Very occasionally my energy is up and walls are down, less terrified (during this proving I have been defensive sexually, and found myself clawing and biting to be left alone) and I feel able to be sexually playful. 02P 040 XX.XX IOS
Extremely and coolly assertive, with telephone salesman. 03P 003 19.00 NS
Got a phone call from someone wanting reflexology, didn't feel nervous about it. 03P 005 16.00 NS
Think husband is getting an effect - he rang his ex (bastard) business partner, who he hasn't spoken to on the phone for 3-4 years, since split, about this (hopefully) last bill - He sounded really authoritative, assertive - his ex-partner didn't recognise him. 05P 002 20.00 NS
Not feeling quite as "up". Slightly anxious about new MD's "visit to the troop" but not too much. Raced around a bit and tidied (sort of ) my desk. Found his "Who are you? What do you do?" questions a bit aggressive but felt quite calm. Stood up to him when he said the department seemed large, and said I thought it was small. I realised he was going to give everyone a grilling from earlier when I went into another department and saw him in action. Said to operators, watch out, he's grilling everyone, one of them said "well he can grill all he likes" in that way which really gets up my nose, and I said "yes he can, he's the MD", which shut him up. 05P 004 11.00 NS
I think I'm a bit bossy at work - this is not normal. 05P 004 XX.XX NS
Feel there's something addictive about whatever this is. I'm not feeling euphoric as I was the beginning of the week and I'm pissed off about it, want some more and would take another one if I could. Made me feel so great on Monday. Still feel better than usual, happier and expressing anger more easily, but it's not so strong as Monday. 05P 006 XX.XX NS
Rather than trying to avoid confrontation, which is what I usually do, I'm not. 05P 008 XX.XX NS
Suddenly got into a very "organizing" mood at work, setting up meetings for the rest of the week. Did an induction with a new person, which I usually hate, but actually enjoyed this one. 05P 011 XX.XX NS
In my work, I work with teenagers, I have been feeling very assertive, quite aggressive. If there is aggression energy around I usually get really hurt by it. I was working with sixteen teenagers on a bouncy castle and they were being really sexual and really aggressive, and I felt really ready to stand up to them and say "come on you're not going to fuck me about" as they usually do. I felt really confident to actually look them in the eyes and meet their energy and say look, "I'm not scared of you", and feeling like I've had quite a lot of respect for that as well, because I've been standing up to them. Some of the kids I work with in the playgroup - the really difficult ones are respecting me more because I have been really concentrating on being together and assertive. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
At work, there was no nonsense today. A bit more power. Loss of control with children taking me for granted. I want to be on their level but today I was more in charge. 06P 004 XX.XX CS
Work pretty good. Quite in control. Dealt with a defiant girl, challenging behaviour. 06P 005 XX.XX CS
Felt confident. Playgroup good. Very physical, rugby tackling. The boys went manic tackling then too tired. Enjoyed physical scrapping and bundling on the floor. I feel a lot less worried. When people used to come up and playfight I used to get a feeling of aggression but today was on that physical aggressive level. Used to bottle up and then explode. Not assertive, bottling then exploding. I stand up for myself better, more confident. I don't get messed around as much as I did. Not getting so nasty - the nasty reaction hasn't been there. 06P 007 XX.XX CS
Focused this weekend. Usually don't talk or get on with things, but this time sorted out the attic, got down to things. Sorted out Dad's clothes. Enjoyed the sun. Contrast to last weekend when unfocused. House to sell, feels like it's not really happening but this weekend got more done. 06P 009 XX.XX CS
In the evening, resigned from band. Felt good. 06P 018 XX.XX CS
Wanted to organize things which have been left festering. 06P 019 XX.XX NS
Feel very assertive and tough with rough youths at youth club. 06P 027 XX.XX CS
Feel freer during masturbation, fear of making a mess disappeared. 06P 05 XX.XX NS
Absence of the usual anxiety. I feel that I've loosened up. 07P 001 19.00 NS
On receiving the homework sheet, I could see there was a lot of work, but it didn't throw me into the usual panic. Great! 07P 002 17.00 NS
My Dad arrives at work, I haven't seen him for four months - he's been abroad. On talking he starts to ask me about the holiday we have booked. He is coming up with all sorts of problems that he can foresee. Normally this would have made me very anxious and lead to feelings of panic. I remained unharassed and calm. I think this irritated him. He is not used to me having a laid back attitude to things. I found I could stand back and view him in a different light; I felt detached. 07P 003 10.30 NS
Saw my homoeopath, felt nervous but very relaxed and at ease. Told her I felt younger, regenerated. 07P 003 16.30 NS
Still feeling more laid back than usual - feel relaxed and in control. I don't feel stirrings of irritability or anger at the kids at school. Just take everything in my stride. 07P 004 XX.XX NS
Travel to London. Normally I would have been anxious about the whole weekend; journey, accommodation, food. I felt very laid back about the whole thing. I was prepared to let it all take its course and unfold. It was amazing for me to see that not worrying about everything was possible. Everything went very smoothly and fell into place. I love the more relaxed approach the remedy has given me. 07P 014 16.00 NS
I approached the Head today to sort out my hours for September to fit in with college. He was very adaptable and open to suggestion. 07P 022 19.00 NS
Still feeling confident, not being knocked by things. Confidence makes me even more assertive with kids at school than usual. 07P 026 XX.XX NS
Someone was quite pushy at one point and I would not have it. I remember saying NO very emphatically and then moving out of his space as I didn't like the feeling he had around him. I went to stand next to someone else which felt much better. Usually I would get very annoyed if someone was pushy with me and feel very annoyed for some time. 08P 001 22.00 NS
Calm but serious. 09P 001 17.00 NS
Very bossy mood but calm. 09P 001 XX.XX NS
I had the courage in staff meeting to say I would not teach on Thursday. 09P 003 XX.XX NS
Felt more confident in situation at homoeopathic clinic. Have been feeling more confident and clear-thinking generally since the proving. 09P 006 18.00 NS
Still feel more confident than before. 09P 007 XX.XX NS
Still feel calmer than I might otherwise do given the stresses of work. 09P 009 XX.XX NS
Kept calm about people coming to stay for seminar. I would have felt the need to tidy up and cut the grass before the remedy, so calming aspect of the remedy is still there. 09P 014 XX.XX NS
Felt great in the evening (would normally be tired and headachey after a Saturday at Wick). 13G 001 20.00 NS
Kind of fearlessness and not worrying about things - unselfconscious, more confidence. 13G 003 XX.XX NS
I refuse to be beaten or blackmailed by manipulative behaviour. 15G 000 XX.XX AS
Strangely enough, although having this strong cold/flu I feel incredibly strong, well-balanced and secure and optimistic in my feelings. This is unusual as I would normally be quite down with such unpleasant physical symptoms. 15G 003 XX.XX CS
I feel enthusiasm and optimism and an unusual lack of worry or stress. 15G 010 XX.XX CS
Strong and happy feelings inside. An unusual lack of anxiety, stress, pressure and worry. 15G 010 XX.XX CS
A feeling that I am only capable of taking things one step at a time, making choice only out of a place where I truly know the right direction. 15G 031 XX.XX AS
When I reached home I was on a high, mentally and physically. I thought about various issues of importance taking place in my life, but somehow I felt that there was no longer any problems around any of them. I felt free and empowered but I didn't know why. It just felt great. 17G 000 XX.XX NS
Lastly I think that I have become more discerning and perceptive at seeing where other people come from and I have shown more patience and understanding in daily life. I am not so much in a hurry, I just know I will get there. 17G 000 XX.XX NS
Feeling so great about life on the whole I decided to ring a friend of mine and free myself of what I had wanted to say for a good number of months. As a result my friend came to see me later on and I further unloaded what I had been so careful to keep to myself. Doing so left my friend a bit puzzled, but it was great for me as I had wanted to do this for quite while. Doing this left me feeling strong, in charge and very free it also left me feeling clean within. 17G 001 XX.XX NS
Really bossy. 17G 002 XX.XX NS
Desire to wear all black most of the time. People commented I looked hard, threatening scary. Haven't worn all black for about ten years because I found it heavy and depressing. 24G 000 XX.XX OS
Felt really bitching on the way home, being bitchy made me laugh, and I felt better for bitching/laughing (not so scared). 05P 001 19.00 NS
Was livid at lunchtime, but made myself smile. My language is dreadful at the moment! 05P 006 13.00 NS
Still swearing too much. 05P 007 XX.XX NS
Gave my father a good bollocking this morning (I've never heard her use language like this before. Supervisor) My language has got worse - I do swear, but it's got much worse. I gave him a good talking to - he tried to get off the phone a couple of times but I said 'No'. Wouldn't usually talk to him quite like that - quite bossy, to be perfectly honest. 05P 008 XX.XX NS
Went on a wild spending spree. Spent hundred of pounds, video, duvet (that I'd wanted for two years but didn't get because it was so expensive). No thought of how much it was costing spending made me feel wildly exhilarated. This flipped over very suddenly into the black hand, chaos, abandoned, whiskey thing. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Mood irritable this afternoon - but that happens, I had a lot to do. 01P 016 XX.XX RS
I continued doing things - mood is irritable - very irritated with partner, life's little upsets etc. but I'm not low or depressed. 01P 023 10.45 NS
I am still so irritable and I see that I have been more than usually irritable at the silly vicissitudes of life. 01P 029 06.10 NS
Irritable I have noticed an increased degree of irritation with a decreased ability to control it. I hope it is the depression transforming to anger (that would be nice). 01P 029 XX.XX NS
Felt very stroppy. 02P 002 XX.XX NS
I have become aware that I normally think of it as weak to be soft and loving - I wasn't always like this but in the last few years I have had to become more assertive to be able to be me at all. In an unthinking state I generally act in a soft way but if I am put in a situation of having to back down on an issue, to give up something I want to do for instance, then I feel myself harden up and feel NO WAY, WHY SHOULD I? And I feel this feeling towards other female friends, when I sense they are having to back down I feel very defensive towards them. 02P 040 XX.XX NS
My son pushed me down to the ground. I reacted so indignantly and angrily over something so small and playful. I told him I felt the whole family just used me and abused me, took me for granted and that I felt like just walking off and leaving them. He then told me how much they all loved me and how even if I left or if his Dad left that we would always be family (he is only nine). Although I feel trapped I felt his words tapping into my heart and I walked back to the car with him. 02P 058 XX.XX NS
Have felt quite vulnerable and hysterical, erupting into fits of emotion. 02P 060 XX.XX IRS
I felt as if I had built up agitation, which I really wanted to express but felt I could not. It keeps on continuously building up. I feel aggressive, angry and agitated. 04P 000 XX.XX NS
Got rid of a junk call straight away this morning, Feel quite happy. Got quite stroppy with one of the salesmen, he kept on questioning every thing we do on quotes, the internet, etc., with one of my operators, demanding quotes (not saying please!) wanting to know why we do things like this, and why don't we buy PC parts out of magazines, and why does it cost this much, on and on. I just flipped, and turned round and interrupted him, very short, very sharp, he looked amazed and a bit frightened of me, and started being a lot more polite. 05P 003 11.00 NS
It's fast (the anger), it's up and it's out, comes up from my stomach and it's out of my mouth and it's gone. 05P 008 XX.XX NS
Bit manic this morning - blitzed the bedroom and the office (bombsite) and sorted out all my college notes. 05P 008 XX.XX NS
Felt very pissed off all day, probably because it was such a lovely day to be stuck at work. 05P 013 XX.XX NS
Feel very bad tempered this afternoon. 05P 015 XX.XX NS
Still feel quite a lot of anger and irritation and expressing it. Used to suppress it before taking remedy - have always viewed it as being a bad thing and hold it back, make myself smile. I haven't been doing that, haven't tried to put a nice face on it and be likable with it and not rock the boat. 05P 018 XX.XX NS
Very bad tempered today and very tense. Feel I could explode, I feel very vindictive and destructive. 05P 020 XX.XX NS
Very angry and tense today. Can`t get comfortable, don`t feel comfortable. This evening someone is doing work in the next chalet. Every thud went through me, it was like an assault, felt extremely cross, really could have given them a piece of my mind. Very very angry!!! 05P 024 XX.XX NS
I'm not going to play the victim - I'm going to stand up to these people - they are not going to fuck me about' sort of feeling. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
Angry in the evening about a committee meeting I had to go to and I'd been told the wrong address. I had a bit of a scream. Still affected by it. 06P 006 XX.XX RS
A boy jumped me from behind. I managed not to kick him. Threw him on the ground. My reaction surprised me. 06P 014 XX.XX NS
Irritable with husband (usual PMT type of tension). Not as bad as it usually is. Much calmer than usual. 07P 006 15.00 RS
I have responded with irritation and anger when I have felt that my boundaries have been under threat, or when challenged. This has occurred too when I have felt that others have been ripped off or taken advantage of. 15G 019 XX.XX AS
I felt very angry and manipulated. 15G 021 XX.XX NS
My partner and I had become "indifferent" to one another (ie. not intimate). this relationship was being affected by the drug from the beginning. 01P 000 XX.XX NS
I arrived home from Bath at 9:30 PM. My partner and I are often very "strange" with each other (shy, treating each other as strangers) after a separation. I was very detached, self-absorbed with observation, not particularly interested in him. Vaguely interested in how I'd get on tomorrow. 01P 002 XX.XX OS
I avoided company all day except in walk to store, when I was irritated by noise and people's proximity. 01P 003 XX.XX NS
I didn't sleep well because partner and I had a terrible row and I slept with daughter. I was cold and scared. 02P 003 XX.XX IRS
I realized I had a whole catalogue of events I could justify my resentment and coldness or protectiveness towards my partner with. But what I had allowed myself to bear, to accept, to heap upon myself made me feel humiliated and shameful and made making love to my partner seem cheap. I couldn't ignore the mirror, its reflection was clear and intense. I felt like I had turned into a monster who maybe didn't love anybody but was cold. I work to make everybody like me and to seem compassionate but really I was just a cold hard monster. The image is so strong the suicidal thoughts come on again. 02P 019 XX.XX NS
He is very demanding sexually and I feel paralysed, unable to trust and let go. 02P 041 XX.XX IRS
Feel calmer with partner than since proving began, but still very unnatural, unable to be me. 02P 052 XX.XX IOS
I still don't feel sexually open at all, but I'm not feeling hostile with partner, rather more detached yet compassionate, listening to him, being there. 02P 057 XX.XX OS
We had a bad night of feeling cold and angry towards each other, with partner being quite aggressive. 02P 058 XX.XX IOS
I feel paralysed on the sexual level and it is almost a relief when we don't have sex because of my obstacles. I'm not happy about this. I feel ugly and my body looks ugly. My partner has dubbed me the ICE QUEEN. 02P 060 XX.XX IOS
As well as feeling cold emotionally and mentally I have felt icy cold physically as well, even under the covers at night. 02P 077 XX.XX NS
Felt better for bitching about x - would normally feel dreadful about that, but I just didn't feel anything. 05P 001 18.00 NS
Felt really cold and shivering. 05P 002 XX.XX NS
Felt spacey, cold uncertain. 06P 002 XX.XX NS
Didn't bother to see Mum this weekend, didn't feel guilty (usually do feel guilty). 06P 009 XX.XX NS
Seminar ends. I have enjoyed it, its been a fantastic experience but there is an absence of the usual joy in the solar plexus, as if it is deadened. I know I should be feeling joy, but the feeling and therefore the expression is absent. Upon reflection of the last two weeks, that's why I haven't been feeling the usual "hurts". My emotions seem numb. The reactions don't come. It reminds me of how I felt on anti-depressants 20 years ago. For the first time I'm starting to resent the action of the remedy. It's been great not to feel the usual anxieties and react to things in an over-sensitive way, but now that I can feel it affecting my reactions to positive things as well, I resent it. 07P 016 17.30 NS
I feel great frustration doing my homework. I wanted to feel angry, I wanted to cry, neither of these emotions could be raised in me enough to be expelled. 07P 021 21.00 NS
A parent comes into school angry about an injury to her child, she felt he had been bullied. I remained calm, detached, almost coldly so. I felt very protective of the teacher, I felt an almost animal instinct to rise up to the parent and protect the teacher. I dealt with the situation rationally. After she had gone, I was pleased to feel slight stirrings of anger within me, I could feel cross about it - so I can still feel! It's as if before the remedy I could over-react to things, now I find I don't over-react, which has its advantages. I can think more clearly in situations of emotional involvement. 07P 022 15.30 NS
Received a phone call loaded with family problems. It didn't affect me in the usual way. I could remain detached, distant from it all. I didn't take it all on board. I was able to reflect on it all, sort it out in my head and let it go. Very unusual for me. 07P 024 11.00 NS
Ring my sister to discuss the weekend with my Dad and how it had gone. She tells me at the end of the conversation that she is so glad to have me back again. She has felt that I have been very distant from her. It has concerned her and she had not liked it. The closeness we have, she said, had gone. Our conversation tonight was the first time she had felt close to me since I started the proving. This made me think that I perhaps distanced myself to protect myself. If you can detach yourself from situations then maybe it acts as a numbing, or do the two things happen separately but help each other? My sister is usually the bearer of lots of unhappy situations within my family and I usually take on all her hurts and upsets. The proving enabled me to be protected from all those problems and not to "feel" them. It was quite useful occasionally to her in providing cold reason, it is easier to be objective about emotional upsets if you are detached, and not actually feeling the pain. (After antidoting.) 07P 040 XX.XX NS
A strange, unfeeling, benumbed state - a sense of inevitability. 15G 000 XX.XX NS
A strange unwillingness to get involved with intellectual or heady things or matters, it is quite hard to actually sit down and study. 15G 010 XX.XX NS
A feeling of isolation and coldness inside. Shutting down to the outside world, separation from my partner. 15G 015 XX.XX NS
A major argument which culminated in my partner moving out the following day, after three years of being together. Strangely enough I'm not in the least concerned, angry or upset by any of this. It has a strange detached inevitability about it - like some movie spool unreeling in the focused light to its finish. 15G 020 XX.XX NS
I don't feel any anger at all. 15G 027 XX.XX NS
Felt like crying when I got home but I couldn't. 15G 032 XX.XX AS
I feel totally used, abused and humiliated by my instincts, by nature itself. My partner's desire seems to be formed by her cycle and her hormones and has nothing to do with love or desire. Yet my responses are outside of my control and when she wants I will respond whether I want to or not. This makes me keep my distance, act coldly, lest through nature she takes things out of my hands. 22G 000 XX.XX IOS
Didn't want any involvement with anyone, couldn't initiate a conversation because I felt that I had nothing to say, couldn't think of anything to say. I could respond if people spoke to me but not an active engagement as I normally would. Have felt like this before when depressed, but not depressed this time, felt nothing. 24G 000 XX.XX AS
Detached, totally cut off from emotions, no emotional connection with other people, just didn't feel anything. 24G 000 XX.XX IRS
According to boyfriend I actively avoided any physical contact. Going around the kitchen to avoid touching him in passing. No sexual desire at all, very averse. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
According to boyfriend facial expression was "don't bother me", "don't engage me". Body language apparently closed, folded arms, legs crossed away. I'd get physical things between me and him, tables, hug cushions, sit away from him instead of touching him as I usually would. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Maybe the frozen brain can't analyse, can't do academic work thing was due to the fact that I couldn't access words in my memory. It was like calling up the menu on the computer but the files aren't there, or can't be accessed. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Normally quite introspective and analytical, but didn't want to analyse how I felt at all, very averse to it. Didn't want to analyse anything, found college work and academic work in my job impossible, as if my brain had frozen like my emotions, everything felt frozen. Yet my body temperature was greatly increased, normally quite cold, but became very warm, particularly in bed at night. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Tried to do some computer stuff - failed but not frustrated - felt good most of the day. 01P 004 XX.XX NS
I notice that I'm doing more household chores, without it being a chore. 03P 005 16.00 NS
Told we had a meeting with the new MD - thought, well, if I don't like the way it's going to be, I'll just leave. 05P 003 10.00 NS
Wasn't bothered about being angry. 05P 006 XX.XX NS
Felt timeless, not caring 06P 001 XX.XX RS
In the afternoon lost it at Playgroup with a girl. Pulled her off the wall angrily. Felt like whacking her. Apologized an hour later. Felt quite good. Does frighten me though. Severe. Didn't feel remorse. 06P 022 XX.XX NS
Drove to Bath. Erratic driving, I seem to be driving dangerously close to other cars but I don't care. I giggle to myself. I feel full of confidence. I know I will get safely to Bath, there is no question about it, I feel no danger. I park in Bath, wait for my husband, I don't feel threatened by the people wandering about. I feel safe. I lock the car doors out of habit. 07P 001 18.30 NS
I note that there are lots of family dynamics going on but I am remaining detached from them. I'm not being affected in the usual way. I can stand back from it all and not get wound up by it all. My sister is amazed at it - she wants some of the remedy. 07P 010 19.00 NS
Teacher is grouchy with me because I was talking to a colleague for a while. My normal reaction would have been remorse at meeting her disapproval (I can't bear to meet with disapproval or snubbing). I felt the remedy and its numbing of my emotions protected me from my usual feelings and although I was bothered by it, it didn't hurt. I could let us go in a detached, matter of fact way. 07P 018 09.30 NS
Feelings of flatness again, no joy. Not depressed, but not happy either. 07P 021 18.00 NS
Teacher is grouchy with me because I was talking to a colleague for a while. My normal reaction would have been remorse at meeting her disapproval (I can't bear to meet with disapproval or snubbing). I felt the remedy and its numbing of my emotions protected me from my usual feelings and although I was bothered by it, it didn't hurt. I could let us go in a detached, matter of fact way. 08P 001 23.30 NS
Felt quite calm at work despite problems, joked about problems and they didn't get to me the way they would normally. 08P 004 XX.XX NS
Complete lack of sexual desire. Even when partner was keen, I really didn't want to - thought 'Oh, do leave me alone' and then 'Oh, get on with it then'. NO feeling at all - SO unlike me. 13G 000 XX.XX NS
No strength of feeling, no pain, no joy, no sorrow, no delight. Sense of futility bout the relationship, but no anger. That I feel none of the following emotions is strange. No anger, no resentment, no yearning, no delight, no love, no sense of hope, nor of grievance. 15G 015 XX.XX AS
My partner moved her things out of our house. I talked to a friend who was visiting with her daughter. My partner was packing her things while we talked downstairs. The whole thing was so surreal and strange. A strange feeling of calm and inevitability. 15G 021 XX.XX NS
Feeling as if top of my head is open. 01P 001 17.00 NS
I am aware that I'm just whining and not keeping this diary to an order. This is not "new" for me - but for the most part, when I have experienced something similar it has it's roots in what I am experiencing in my life... ie. a lack of control, despair over some issue. 01P 003 XX.XX OS
Vagueness. Quite detached. Filled with doubt. 01P 005 XX.XX NS
I feel smaller than usual. Usually I feel really big. I'm just thinking about how small I have become. 02P 001 17.00 NS
I am a bit worried about my level of disorganization, that I won't be able to record things in a thorough enough manner. I'm so chaotic. I've found myself not trusting myself as to what I am perceiving, feeling like a liar, this is my base state. 02P 001 XX.XX RS
Feel I'm in a different space from everyone else. 02P 002 10.00 NS
When I got home to partner who was feeling moody and angry I felt very centred, detached yet caring, not emotional. Felt like I was there for him without my own baggage. He found this very clinical and it annoyed him. I lost this space when he started to accuse me of being unfeeling and unloving. I started to feel emotional and resentful, despondent. 02P 002 20.30 IOS
Felt like I was sitting in the car, being observed, like a goldfish in a fish bowl. 02P 004 XX.XX NS
Usually have background fear of cancer, haven't had any fear of cancer, haven't even thought of it. 02P 005 XX.XX CS
This afternoon I felt a bit like a lost, fragile, little girl, unconfident, unsure. 02P 007 XX.XX OS
Found it hard to come out from behind a wall. 02P 013 XX.XX NS
Last night we just talked and we both felt so defenceless that neither of us felt defensive and argumentative. 02P 019 XX.XX NS
The theme of moving in the remedy seems applicable to both of us. Me actually moving moving house and finding it traumatic, and for supervisor movement within the house, from room to room, to define each others' space. 02P 021 XX.XX NS
Partner called up very late and seems like he had come off of our phone conversation feeling very insecure, vulnerable and unsure, perhaps this is the opposite pole of the remedy. 02P 023 XX.XX NS
Woke up feeling vulnerable and scared. Having a wrestle with the kids, the eldest's strength overwhelmed me and I instinctively bit him really hard on the chest. That freaked me out and partner pointed out how I had been doing this for the past two months. Whenever he approached me I would act terrified and either claw or bite him. His chest and back are covered in claw marks. 02P 058 XX.XX NS
Very tired so I leant back to have a sleep. Partner got very angry and accused me of always being tired when I was with him. Felt despairing and despondent. Levelled out, got the children to bed but felt extremely tired. Partner opened up, talking. Then I got up to go to bed and he leapt at me to stop me. I felt totally and utterly terrified, crossed my arms over my chest and ran to hide under my sleeping bag - the whole proving state was intensely upon me again. 02P 058 XX.XX NS
It's as if I'm nervous. 03P 001 17.00 RS
I felt like time has run out for opportunities in life, like I have used up all my opportunities, that there are no more opportunities on my side. 04P 000 XX.XX NS
I found myself aimlessly wandering, not sure what I was doing or what I was meant to be doing. I was totally confused. 04P 000 XX.XX NS
Fear of hallucinating. 05P 001 17.00 NS
Felt really frightened about hallucinating. Wanted to get up and leave several times, just run away. As people started talking I kept thinking "what have I done ". Everyone kept laughing and I tried to but I felt so scared, and very isolated. I felt slightly better when Misha said it wasn't hallucinatory. 05P 001 17.00 NS
I felt very scared and alone, like I can't connect with people, everyone having a great time and I felt very alone. It was extreme fear, I was terrified of everything, wanted to get away from everyone. It was more frightening to see everyone so happy, because I felt so isolated.. In the end it was the laughter which brought me back and I was alright after that. But can see the other side of this, the downside must be very depressed and alone. 05P 001 XX.XX NS
Went to another site this after noon, felt uncomfortable, sweatyish, panicky. Felt a bit of a fraud, wondered if I had disappointed people. 05P 004 XX.XX OS
Worry about everything, work, course, panic attacks, everything. 05P 009 XX.XX NS
It really is a pig (the effects of the remedy 'wearing off') - like glimpsing a side of yourself and losing it, glimpsing a possibility and then it going. 05P 010 XX.XX NS
Having some problems with my speech very aware of how badly I speak, leaving ends off words, being aware of it is making my vocabulary very restricted. I feel I sound stupid. 05P 012 XX.XX NS
Very "edgy" all day. Felt quite tearful this morning when I was packing. 05P 022 XX.XX NS
Feel overwhelmed by work, it truly is an awful toxic place, and we are all being poisoned by it. 05P 029 XX.XX OS
I have been feeling on the verge of tears quite a lot, but haven't really got there yet. 06P 000 XX.XX NS
Panicky. 06P 001 17.00 NS
Fear of being poisoned. 06P 001 17.00 OS
Felt vulnerable to children. Worried. I am usually susceptible to their cruelty. Then I thought stuff it. 06P 002 XX.XX CS
Woke in terror, sat up in a jolt. Fell asleep again. Tired dreaming, not quite sure what's going on. 06P 002 XX.XX OS
Feeling little, lacking confidence. Noticed a square flower/plant box in the middle of the pavement. Asking for someone coming along to kick it. Exposed. Worried about it. Feeling sensitive and vulnerable. 06P 006 XX.XX NS
Tidied room. Mess made me feel anxious. 06P 014 XX.XX RS
Real rush. Like wading through water, things held me back. Couldn't get anywhere, told people. 06P 014 XX.XX RS
Fear of being seen in bed in the morning. 06P 025 XX.XX NS
Gig in evening. Shy, anxious. 06P 028 XX.XX NS
We had Clinic this afternoon. I feel very drained and tired. I feel empty and despondent. I think this is because of a disappointment in myself. Clinic seemed quite a challenge and I didn't feel I rose to it. 07P 027 18.30 OS
I'm feeling disappointed in myself at the moment - homework not finished - I'm feeling over-challenged. I cry and the release helps. I'm so pleased to be able to cry so easily. 07P 029 12.30 OS
Rang a friend to check her address. She listened to my story. I expressed my concern over the remedy leaving an imprint on me. She was great and told me to make a positive decision not to let it take control. She said say an affirmation "I am in control, enough is enough, I don't want to play any more, I'm digesting you and letting you go". This was such a help, I realised that I was allowing myself to be the victim instead of taking control of my situation. I felt sure now that with a remedy I would rid myself of this thing. 07P 034 21.00 NS
Got in the car, got a bit lost. Vans overtaking seemed too close. 08P 001 XX.XX NS
Some of it felt dream like, as if I wasn't there at all. 08P 001 XX.XX NS
Woke up thinking about youth and age, to do with East West axis. 09P 003 07.00 NS
Felt very lacking in intelligence compared with the other students during chat. Not a new symptom but I felt it more strongly perhaps. 09P 014 XX.XX IRS
The people beside me got bigger and I moved away. 10G 001 17.00 NS
The anniversary of my father's birthday (he died 6 years ago). I felt strongly sad and wistful. Missed him a lot and felt a contact with him. I felt vulnerable inside, like a child that doesn't know the ways of the world and is constantly shocked and surprised by people's meanness and lack of integrity. 15G 017 XX.XX NS
Emotions feel very vulnerable and exposed, almost childlike. 15G 018 XX.XX NS
I can't reason or think well either. The thoughts just don't seem to hold. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
I feel that everything needs to be thrown up in the air, and then start again. 15G 019 XX.XX NS
I felt very stunned and hurt. This felt like emotional blackmail and also a horrible threat. 15G 021 XX.XX NS
Irritation that a very good friend did not really offer by support. 15G 026 XX.XX NS
I feel powerless to act. Things must run their course, and my child inside must not sabotage with needy crying, drama and rushing to the phone. 15G 032 XX.XX NS
Experienced this as a wobbly feeling around the heart visualised as a hole filled with golden syrup in the otherwise smooth surface of her wholeness. Didn't want this. 23G 000 XX.XX RS
Everything went wrong at work, some students hadn't entered exam, coursework forms I had filled in were for wrong year, board wouldn't accept them, no current forms left, not time to get new ones. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Everything seemed to have turned to chaos. 24G 008 XX.XX NS
I am holding back from saying things. 01P 001 17.00 NS
I was very irritable. Noises especially seemed to annoy me. Irritated by people and noise, avoided company, didn't answer the phone, wanted to be on my own. 01P 003 XX.XX NS
Had a really bad day. Really heavy arguments with partner all morning. 02P 004 XX.XX IOS
Feel unable to do my studying, partly because I'm tired, also because I feel cramped, like I have to move around partner's moods all the time. 02P 005 XX.XX IOS
Partner reacted badly to my tiredness last night he wanted me to bounce back to life when he decided it was time to get off the computer. I felt so tired, slept deeply all night, we all slept in. This morning partner started making comments about me being distant and I became quite protective and pulled back - it all went wrong. This isn't unusual but partner does feel that I am very unstable at the moment and it seems to be rubbing off on him. 02P 007 XX.XX NS
I feel cramped. Like there is absolutely no space for me. 02P 010 XX.XX IOS
Hemmed in feeling - cramps - have to fight for any space of my own. 02P 010 XX.XX IOS
Partner wants all my time and attention. We have a fundamental disagreement, he thinks we're one, I think we're two. 02P 010 XX.XX NS
Things feel very heavy again. It is a week before my period should come, though these have been all over the place for the last 6mos and usaully I'm premenstrual for a day or two. Feel very aware of how I can only grab time. I feel like I'm missing something, everything is passing me by, its a very premenstrual feeling. Arguing with partner, said I would leave, packed my bag, was at the door. 02P 010 XX.XX NS
Feel cramped in my life, intensely so over the past two weeks. 02P 013 XX.XX IOS
Walls are protective in a hard way. Last few weeks I feel penned in, the walls of the pen have come in close. Trying to stand back from rattling the cage, not do anything overt. 02P 013 XX.XX IOS
Had a lovely calm dinner with friend and when we left and I talked of my situation with my partner, I started shaking. 02P 016 XX.XX NS
Remained feeling very caged, trapped and wary with partner. Terrified, not sure, how he is going to be with me. 02P 041 XX.XX NS
I could forcibly assert myself and go yet this home life makes me feel trapped. 02P 057 XX.XX IOS
I feel like that reined in wild stallion who is terrified and has to fight free. I became totally detached and very angry and vengeful even though I knew these were wasted feelings. 02P 057 XX.XX NS
Went off for a walk on Dartmoor. I wanted to run off, but couldn't because of the family - they were there and need me to be there. I didn't feel into their company or into playing. 02P 057 XX.XX NS
For the past few months the family has felt like such a burden, making me feel irritable and tense. 02P 058 XX.XX NS
Feel like getting out of here and running. 05P 001 17.00 NS
There was an element of feeling trapped - a certain amount of 'oh, you're the expert' even though I'd explained I didn't know how to use the spread sheet, haven't done any training. 05P 006 XX.XX NS
Saw my therapist. On the verge of tears but not quite. Talking. The crying doesn't want to get out. 06P 004 XX.XX RS
Got home and cried (unusual for me to be able to cry). My daughter is heavy work at the moment and she's draining me. 07P 007 16.00 AS
Feel more worried now about all the work that I have to do. 09P 012 XX.XX OS
She is trying to use her feelings to push me into a corner, but I know that this is because she feels so unsure with herself, so abandoned and angry. I feel that I cannot take on her feelings. I cannot allow her pain to dominate and push me around. 15G 027 XX.XX RS
Regret about the whole relationship thing. Last night on the phone she said she wanted to move back in. I felt like a prison door was clanging behind me. 15G 030 XX.XX AS
Obsessed with how long everything would take, even things where this wasn't really appropriate at all. Someone might do a doodle or write a list of things to do and I'd ask how long it took to do it. 24G 000 XX.XX NS
Talk to my Dad about my laid back attitude and how I think it is the proving. He tells me he has the same attitude now. He says "that he has a don't care attitude, he just lets things happen, he's not worrying about things weeks ahead, just living each day, whatever will be will be". I couldn't believe it, it was just as I had felt on the proving remedy. He met me just two days after I took the remedy, at a time when he was very open and vulnerable. It goes through my mind like a shot - have I infected him with the remedy? 07P 000 XX.XX NS
On Sunday at college I felt I homed in on all negative energies that were around and they were all adding to the weird sensation I was feeling in my solar plexus. I wa