The Homœopathic Proving of
Buckyballs
Carbo Fullerenum
Materia Medica
01P 10 14:45 NS I was practically hysterical at bank. I was in more pain than I can ever remember being, yet I was laughing.
11P 07 xx:xx IOS Cannot bear reading about death and torture and seem to keep coming across it.
12P xx xx:xx NS Couldn't watch the news. Couldn't listen to the radio. I've made a point of not knowing what's going on in the world.
08P 02 11.15 AS Panicked when somebody else in class talked about the possibility of proving something with 9-11, as I need to fly tonight. But unusually the panic subsided relatively easily, not totally, but there was more calmness.
15P 04 8.30 NS Driving to work I am thinking about the proving so far, and thought what if (another prover) is right and this is something like ground zero. I felt fear and started to cry. Although on day 2 I had dismissed such ideas I was now thinking of having seen businessmen's shirts and yellow, orange and red and wanting to climb out of the window. I am not normally prone to such fanciful thoughts and am usually more logical. The fear was gradually replaced by nausea.
02P 04 17:00 NS I bought deep red tiles although I originally had picked out a green/gold tile.
04P xx xx:xx NS Son has been really sick this month and it started with a huge nose bleed. He was sick for three weeks with chronic, very painful earache. He couldn't look at red things on TV like Postman Pat's van. I feel that he has been invaded and I am upset that it has come out in him that he suffers for what I do. (He was much helped by Graphites.)
04P xx xx:xx NS Not been able to wear red.
08P xx xx:xx NS I have had a big issue with blood. Blood in stool, blood in nose, dream of blood coming out of penis. Quite worried about it.
08P 18 xx:xx NS Recently I bought a pair of bright red trousers, somehow I can't wear them though, they seem too intense (normally I wear a lot of colours all the time).
11P xx xx:xx NS Just bought a house. The bedroom was blood red. Red paint splashed on the carpet, skirting boards and ceiling, Splattered with red like blood.
11P 04 xx:xx NS I hennaed my hair and it went very red. Quite startling.
13P 17 xx:xx NS The colour red has been looking good on me.
15P 01 xx:xx NS See colours, orange, red, yellow. Suddenly I see a row of neatly ironed shirts hanging on a rail. I laughed at the absurdity of it.
17P xx xx:xx NS Bought a red car and drove very fast.
07P 01 xx:xx NS Sensation of panic building, unable to clear by relaxing, heart thumping very rapidly, feeling very jagged - muscles tense, started getting cold, jagged force field around me - barbed wire - concentration camp feeling, yellow sensation, unable to get away, nowhere to go, trapped and panicked. Hands sweating, difficult to talk, breathless - didn't want to tell the group but another said she felt panicked and felt better for saying so-so I talked and felt a bit better. Starting shaking inside, hands shaky, very cold. Much better in the open air, went for a walk with 2 friends, lungs felt restricted difficult to breathe especially going uphill (like I had smoked too much, not smoked for at least a year.)
01P 30 xx:xx NS Listening to cheery people, sounds so foreign to me, what is hanging over me like a swamp or fog. Why can't I laugh? I feel so serious.
03P 07 8:15 NS Resist impulse to swear at the children. Not comfortable with swearing generally - envy other's ease.
03P 05 PM RS Very tired in the evening. Husband described me as seeming low and weary. Speaking to him an effort I didn't want to make. Sense of never ending chores.
10P 02 xx:xx NS As people share feel oppressive, heavy, closing in feeling.
15P 28 xx:xx NS Work has been very difficult today. I have felt like my head was going to explode. I have so much to do. It's as if pressure is building up and giving me a headache. Yet I was fine once I left there.
04P 07 xx:xx OS Things did not go according to plan - computer trouble amongst other things. Time seemed to fly out the window. A friend's son came here sick from school while my kids were at the childminders. I felt sabotaged. The main thing that irked me was not being able to get on with my work, but the friend's son had nowhere else to go. Why didn't she (the mother) drop what she was doing instead of me not being able to do my thing? I am sick of being undervalued.
07P 26 14.00 NS Following chat to supervisor had a fantasy about being chased, searched for by the King's men, I had to hide in the river, Witch hunt time, I felt persecuted and very unsafe.
11P 05 xx:xx OS I felt jealous of two different people.
13P 07 xx:xx NS I cannot look at anyone in the eyes when talking to them. I look to the side or past them whilst talking and will only make eye contact when listening to them.
03P 17 xx:xx OS Phone call to supervisor talked a little about feelings towards Mother since teenage years when she read my diary and I walked out, have never really recovered, still unresolved. A feeling that there are certain boundaries about privacy.
03P 02 9:00 NS Irrational thought occurred that my landlady would go through all our private belongings, especially our dirty laundry whilst we were at the School; that all the landladies in the street get together to do this - the reason why they offer Bed and Breakfast?
12P 05 xx:xx NS Feel separate and exposed - but not in a negative way.
12P 03 19.45 NS Phone conversation with clinical supervisor - issues of being exposed as being different and how uncomfortable that was. Is it OK to feel and be different? Not in this proving space right now.
15P 01 xx:xx NS I want to climb out of the window. I don't want to draw attention to myself so I walk over and just put my head out. I'm attracted by the flowers.
08P 08 xx:xx NS I think there is some kind of germ thing going on; on day three I talked to a friend of my parents who has throat cancer, and when I was close to him (physically) I thought that I might catch it. Today I was on the tube and had a baguette with me - yet although I was very hungry, I didn't eat it because I thought it might get polluted. In the end I ate it, but both times the initial reaction was a feeling of possible contamination. I also saw a few times now an advertisement for the flu vaccine right in front of me. I guess the 'fear of germs' is sometimes there (may be even understandably so on the tube), but the last week it was quite often and I felt ridiculous with it.
13P 06 xx:xx NS I am very conscientious about washing my hands after going to the loo.
01P 09 9:00 OS Anxiety in pit of stomach.
01P 09 xx:xx NS Anxiety about travel, especially without car - what if I have to get home quickly?
07P 28 7.30 NS Awoke with the sensation that something unpleasant has happened, I feel distressed at some level but can't determine what level. It feels as though I have lost someone, left or died.
10P 09 xx:xx NS Awoke very worried when child came home after a dance. Very worried about her friend. Feeling responsible for the whole world.
11P 03 xx:xx RS I did not sleep until 5 a.m. worrying about my son being out.
12P 03 13.55 NS Queasy feeling and nervous.
12P 04 13.25 OS Palpitation after speaking, anxious having to speak.
12P 03 11.00 NS Image come back from school (6 years old) about lining up and having to find a partner - felt anxious - would I find one - would anyone want to be with me.
14P 08 4.00 RS Woke at night with feeling of general anxiety experienced as tension in stomach.
14P 05 xx:xx RS Feeling of anxiety about the future. What can I do to survive financially?
01P 10 12:45 NS Starting to write wrong letters. not hungry, smell of food making me really nauseous. Can't remember how to spell, very difficult to concentrate, little sleeps, thinking about cerebral haemorrhage, head pain, chills, flu, nausea, just like my sister described my mother feeling before she died. I'm really freaking out, think if I knew what the remedy was it would save my life. Lost my glasses (again!) this time they were on the auditorium floor. Getting in and out of my seat felt so clumsy! Went back into auditorium, unsure of levels, had to look down to see where I was stepping. Need to get myself together, I can do this, don't fight it but face it and integrate it. Why is that room so awful? Hotel is too, 2 ½ more days, can I do it? If I had my own car, I would go home now. Try to connect with the group somehow, let it go a bit. The nausea seemed to relieve the headache a bit. Sitting outside helps. Closed eyes till eyelids flutter and look at the colours. Lots of colours and spots, triangular spots, maybe 7 or 8 in the lower right corner, deep blue, then turn red, field was yellow, orange at bottom like fire, then strip of fluttering was blue, almost like a skyline shape. No desire to eat, maybe walk again (in retrospect, like a bad LSD trip).
03P 06 9:30 NS Feeling slightly panicky about all I have to do - strange, as I actually now have much less work to do than on the correspondence course.
07P 02 xx:xx NS Panic starting to build as people talking - cold all except head which was hot, starting at extremities particularly hands first. Heart started beating faster, cold sweat over hands and creeping over chest. Muscles tightening legs and arms, legs shaking then over abdomen, feel shaky - jagged.
08P 16 xx:xx AS I was again quite impatient and panicky with my work today - this has been an on going thing for me, I always feel panicky that I won't get everything done, and so impatience sets in. I really noticed it again today, so I don't think it was that bad over the last weeks.
10P 10 11.15 NS Panic attack. Slow onset following reading story of tragic courage in paper. Symptoms same as at college but not so severe. Easily dislodged by movement and relaxation techniques. Replaced by dreary bubble - rather like hangover, but have not been drinking. Storm rising outside.
10P 01 xx:xx OS Panic attack - need to get outside.
11P 01 20.00 NS I went for a walk with my dog along the seafront in the dark. I saw the dark ahead of me and felt a feeling of panic and turned back.
13P 08 11.44 NS I had suddenly for a short while bad pain in my right hip where I could hardly walk. I felt really fragile and feel like I don't want to go there with my hips as I was born with clicky hips and have never had any pain. I am very panicky as the other provers had hip pain.
14P 15 10.30 NS In railway station forecourt, I began shouting about having lost money by buying the wrong ticket. (This had happened) I felt a terrible thing had happened and the loss of this money was devastating. People looked at me.
15P 04 9.00 NS I arrived at work feeling nauseous and frightened, as if something is going to happen.
01P 11 xx:xx NS Looking back at yesterday morning, was really scared thought if I knew the remedy it would save my life, otherwise it would keep up action till I had a cerebral haemorrhage and went out just like mom. Bringing up lots of old issues to examine and integrate, that I thought were unneeded any more. Feeling dispassionate as I examine each one.
12P xx xx:xx NS Dream like experience. Felt I went through the experience of dying, felt lifted up. Revisisted near death experiences.
14P 0 xx:xx NS My feelings during the time of proving (six to seven weeks) were mainly centered around an anxious feeling of approaching death. This was the dominant theme on the mental and emotional level. The levels of this anxiety were often very high. It prevented me from working properly at times.
14P 05 xx:xx OS Looking at the bare trees at home, I thought I might die soon. Half hour later about 50 birds swooped down on the roof opposite my home. Wondered if it was an omen.
14P 15 15.00 RS Feeling I was going to die soon of cancer. Couldn't concentrate on my work.
01P 09 xx:xx NS I am talking too much, running on about nothing,
04P 02 xx:xx AS Party this evening, I am feeling anxious about going. Will I fit in? Will I feel awkward? I have this a bit usually anyway. Can I be bothered? I do go and I feel good at the party. I dance for hours and I don't feel self conscious. Usually when I do not feel comfortable about going to go to a social event, that is enough for the rot to set in and I ruin the evening, but in this instance I have a really good time.
04P 05 19.00 NS Went out for dinner and felt more energized I talked about Homœopathy. I felt able to explain it. I had a view. Also wondered if I had hogged the conversation with my enthusiasm. I was a bit over confident I think.
07P 03 19.30 NS Easy and energised, lots of laughs - usually so tired on coming back from college. Calm and patient - really enjoying reading the bedtime story - usually so tired get it done as quick as possible.
07P 04 7.00 NS Still energised - sensation of being full up - thinking of ways that I can maximise my time and energy - take different approaches to my study.
07P 12 23.30 OS Wasted time on the telephone and then had to write application - stayed up till 5.00 am felt OK, energy recovered.
10P 06 xx:xx NS Very, very busy all day. Mood - buoyant. Good form, lots of humour, active and efficient.
12P 10 xx:xx NS Feel great polarity between days off and proving episodes. Days off periods are progressively more energised - more me when well!
13P 01 xx:xx NS Cannot stop giggling, just want to giggle and giggle and giggle, everything is a giggling matter. A student's face and demeanour makes me laugh especially. Cannot take anything seriously.
01P 02 17:30 NS Can't concentrate on computer or paperwork, decide to make a pinchpot.
11P 12 15.30 OS Anger at frustrating phone call. I needed to move vigorously and felt better for fast walking.
11P 11 xx:xx NS Restless, wanted to go outside.
12P xx xx:xx NS Cleaning for all I was worth. Had to carry on cleaning. If I was cleaning I was worthless, if I stopped I was less than nothing.
12P 06 xx:xx NS Couldn't sleep for busy head - well past midnight before sleep.
15P 34 xx:xx NS I have been drumming and tapping out rhythms with my fingers. I noticed I was doing it while looking up a remedy today. I have also been doing it in on the steering wheel of the car. This happens without music playing and there is no tune in my head, just me tapping. This evening I stopped when I realised I was doing it, but it felt more comfortable to just continue tapping.
17P xx xx:xx NS Something driving me to stay up late. Not sleeping very well.
03P 09 20:30 NS I'd like to go dancing - tired of living so carefully - must be squiffy, although I've only had a glass of wine - feel like I've drunk the whole bottle.
07P 21 xx:xx NS I can't help myself - I have to dance - finding rhythm everywhere. Kids tell me I am still drunk from last night when I drank 2 small glasses of wine and was very merry.
01P 02 10:00 NS Feel like I'm in very close communication with dogs.
01P 02 07:30 NS Feeling of steering time.
02P 07 19:30 NS Did a hand stand in yoga class tonight. Never done one in my life. Was scared but did it anyway.
10P xx xx:xx NS Wild recklessness. Drove her like a maniac. Felt invincible driving up the motorway.
13P 07 xx:xx NS I said to myself here that I was going to get well and no one was going to stop me, even me and I have a very determined feeling.
17P xx xx:xx NS Dream of a giant walrus. Felt that there was some kind of anamilistic power in the remedy.
01P 12 xx:xx NS Thinking about my tendencies to exhibitionism and latent sexuality.
02P 21 xx:xx NS Went clothes shopping. It was quite an extravagance for me as I usually do not spend lots of money on clothes. I find that I no longer want to wear dresses and skirts all the time, as I have for the past five or six years. Now I keep choosing pants. Tighter clothing instead of the loose, baggy clothes I had been wearing.
10P 07 xx:xx NS Almost reckless. What the hell, who cares! Rather flamboyant.
10P 10 xx:xx NS Went to a linen sale and spent loads of money again - reckless attitude to money still noted.
13P 02 xx:xx NS Thought I looked different in the mirror this morning. People seem to be very over concerned for me. I feel that they are being really lovely and caring, it feels really nice, but also like I am attention seeking. Also being sensitive to the remedy feels annoying I want to be on the sideline and not the one who gets all the symptoms. Think I am a bit too big for my boots. I think I am the sensitive one of the group knowing what the remedy is. The remedy feels current there is something very current about it as if the world might change and I am sensing it all. Ask myself who the fuck do I think I am?
15P 32 xx:xx NS For the first time ever I had a male colleague talk to my bust during a meeting.
15P xx xx:xx NS Bought a lot of clothes that I wouldn't normally buy. Things that are low cut. One of these tops was such a shock to my husband that I had to take it back. Also bought expensive make up.
01P 10 xx:xx I told my roommate that I had to move to a private room, why was she so intolerable, just the sound of her voice made me crazy. At first I thought she was there for some lesson then I decided the lesson was that I could tell her I didn't want to room with her, and I felt good abt the decision. Normally I wound have just put up with it, because of not wanting to offend her or something, like she might not think I'm a good person.
02P 07 xx:xx OS Had a very strong feeling of repulsion toward a student at school today. I remember I had had that feeling a couple of times earlier this week. A feeling of being right at the edge of wanting to physically push them away and yell at them to get away. Then the memory of having had that feeling with my ex husband at the end of the marriage. Repulsion. Couldn't stand to be in the same room with him; like there was this energy that I couldn't stand and had to get away from.
04P 02 xx:xx NS The lecturer is making me cross. She seems to be saying the same things over and over. I feel I have covered it. she says she is handing it to us and we own the process but I feel she is fixed and not responding to our needs as a group. She says we are spiky and challenging. I think she is not very good at what she is doing and what is worse she seems so defensive. I instantly dislike her. The feeling is one of thinking I can't be bothered to stay and I am not learning anything. I do stay but the urge to leave is strong. I would never walk out of a lecture. I do not normally react like this.
04P 11 xx:xx OS I feel fed up, restless, irritable and prickly.
04P 04 19.00 NS Grumpy with the kids, bit nauseous, tired. Went to bed at 10 pm.
04P 08 xx:xx NS My partner says I have been on a very short wick- he says I keep losing my patience. When I think about it I have to agree - he has been irritating me and usually I would bite my tongue but I am not and out it flops - what are you doing that for? - especially when he is dealing with the kids. I feel he is stupid. I know best. Why cant he just do it? He should trust my way.
11P 12 16.00 NS Felt irritable which was worse for eating.
13P 03 xx:xx NS People are annoying me, especially when they do something I can see myself doing. I feel as though the group is all as one, that we are all in this together. Still think that something is wrong. I have a strange feeling that something is not quite right. I feel constricted in my trousers. I know I have over eaten as usual, but all my lower body can feel the trousers acutely on my leg skin. Co-students are really annoying me I don't want them near me. They are basically being a good student, writing all their symptoms down and doing everything right. Why can't she just let go and relax, just not give a fuck, rebel, break some rules! We are so similar like a double act doing exactly the same things. I don't want to sit next to them as we are so similar we are like twins and I want to disassociate myself with the good self. Feel like I am in an over self analysis mood.
14P 12 12.00 NS Felt irritable at home. Started swearing.
14P 11 8.00 RS Feeling of irritation in the morning when waking.
14P 05 14.00 NS Feeling of irritation at work. Felt I should be treated with more respect because I was important.
15P 19 xx:xx OS Got really angry with the kids and dog and yelled at all of them.
01P 10 xx:xx Feeling of not stopping to imagine or feel how recipient is perceiving me.
02P 13 xx:xx NS Noticed a new ability to be firm with students at the school where I teach. Several occasions where I got the message to just take care of myself and stop sacrificing myself for the sake of others.
03P 09 18:00 NS Refused to cook a meal - very unlike me - usually put good of family above everything. Refused to pander to children's whims - don't want to be bothered with son's special diet any more. Wanted to stay outside and carry on painting my fence mural.
04P 14 9.00 AS I seem to be all in work mode at the moment and unable to be light or interested in tittle tattle. How condescending!
02P 11 xx:xx NS On the way down the mountain I found myself driving very aggressively. Persistently nosing my way into a lane in front of a truck that wasn't about to yield to me. I shouted "ass hole" and pulled out anyway. The aggressive driving continued through the day in spite of driving in areas I was totally unfamiliar with. This is very different from my normal demeanour.
04P 10 xx:xx NS Stayed over at the party with the kids and did not get up with them in the morning. Lay in bed. Felt aware of it all but decided not to do it. Thought someone else could do it. Normally would feel mortified to learn that someone else had had to get up to deal with
10P xx xx:xx NS Told my husband what I thought of his mother.
10P 07 xx:xx NS Inappropriate response to client on the telephone. When told he was not living at night with his wife and therefore the baby's sleeping pattern was not his problem, I answered 'way to go!'
12P 04 xx:xx OS Want to cut my hair short.
14P xx xx:xx NS Found I was speaking ridiculously loudly or even raging.
15P 02 xx:xx NS I am very vocal about what I think is a lot of shit that someone was feeding us today. (I normally think there is some benefit to be found in pretty much everything and if I do think something is really crap I often don't say so). I seem more intolerant than usual and on reflection cannot see why I was so vehement.
15P 29 xx:xx NS Felt very irritable today in class. Was irritated by people on a number of occasions, so much so that I expressed it, for example confronting the tutor on a point. I am usually more pragmatic and this time I hit it head on. I have also been irritated with people generally and just want to get on with it. I would have liked to be on my own. I feel like I've been really aggressive and short tempered. As I'm usually pragmatic, trying to please everyone, this is quite a change. Others in the group tell me it's fine and I've not upset anyone so maybe I'm not as extreme as I think.
17P xx xx:xx NS Someone cut in front of me and I tailgated him for miles. Bloody minded.
17P xx xx:xx NS Really up for a scrap, up for a fight.
17P xx xx:xx NS Behaving strangely at a restaurant. Shouting at the waiter and telling everyone what to eat.
18P xx xx:xx NS The place where I work is very controlled, almost facist. I have been fighting everything really been up for arguments and fights. Ready to fight my corner and see everything as hostile. The mouse has emerged from the hole in the skirting board.
01P 20 xx:xx I am starting to fell fragmented again, pull yourself together.
01P 00 xx:xx I had a very strong reaction of feeling scattered. I had to make a huge effort to "pull myself together." And that feeling was with me through the proving in some way. I was often feeling really exhausted from the sheer effort of having to hold myself together, so that I didn't scatter in a million different directions out into space.
16P 00 xx:xx NS During the proving, on a daily basis, I felt a bit scattered, like I couldn't get everything done in a day. There seemed to be too much going on.
01P 02 xx:xx NS Peaceful feeling.
02P 01 14:00 RS Felt very peaceful and spacy. Sometimes it's difficult to focus, feel like I'm somewhere else but am aware of and able to function here as well.
02P 15 AM NS Conflict with daughter. No emotions, no pain, no tightening in my gut. I felt very calm and collected and didn't try to make her love me or change anything. This is very different for me. And she commented that I was different now. That I didn't love her anymore. I was detached! Amazing! In addition, throughout this event I had several conversations with her father. He didn't try to blame everything on me. We were both just working for our daughter. That too was amazing.
03P 01 xx:xx AS Sense of inner, calm, stillness, centredness. Quiet. This feeling predominated all day. I have had glimpses of this state before, but not in such a sustained fashion. (Recently had been particularly unfocused, ungrounded.) Not very bothered about communication with others. Had nothing to say to my husband on the phone that evening.
07P 04 xx:xx NS As day progressed lost enthusiasm, disgruntled after phone call with father, then discovered that I didn't get the job I wanted - however felt more in control, grounded than before (for at least a couple of months).
10P 02 xx:xx NS Told today I was pale and quieter than normal last night. I was unaware of this and thought I was quite talkative!
11P 03 xx:xx NS I felt quiet and contained with good concentration. I felt I want to sleep in a quiet, warm room listening to the wind.
11P 05 4.30 NS I woke with a tune running through my head. It was very definite and it stayed with me. 'You know I will always love you' very simple and very lovely.
12P 02 xx:xx NS Feel good. Don't get stressed about getting things done. More relaxed and balanced at play group. Things seemed to roll along naturally. I feel I let things unfold more and develop naturally.
14P 04 xx:xx NS Feeling of calmness at home despite misplacing important documents.
01P 03 xx:xx NS Shopping for a new stove and dishwasher, just agreed on whatever husband decided. Unusual, but I didn't really care, it just didn't seem very important.
01P 03 23:00 NS Very conscious of things looking dirty, want to wash everything, but don't have the inclination, after all.
03P 28 22.00 NS Completely forgot about work for Portfolio. Not like me at all. Do I care? Am I bothered?
07P 10 21.00 RS Feeling very tired , lazy, can't be bothered, don't want to make the effort. Lay on the bed and slept till 22.00, felt no better so went to bed.
15P 02 xx:xx NS I have a general feeling that I can't be bothered. I went out without my glasses in the evening - couldn't be bothered to go round to the other side of the room and pick them up. In class just wanted it all to end so I could leave. Couldn't be bothered to argue or give my opinion about something where normally I would.
16P 01 16.00 NS After taking the remedy, the feeling of inertia is strong. I find it quite easy to sit perfectly still and go into a meditative state, which is usually very difficult for me.
01P 01 20:45 OS Staring at paper till it makes an abstract shape. Fixed stare, mind blank, like can't or don't want to move, not even eyeballs. (Flashback to doing this as teen, driving my sister crazy because she saw me staring fixedly into space right next to her face.)
03P 12 xx:xx NS Dream - was I awake or asleep? Felt paralysed, couldn't breathe properly, hyperventilating. Tried to cry out, reach out to husband and couldn't. Sensation of animal energy around me in the dark. Panic, fear.
03P 23 AM NS Chaos and no energy to do anything, feel like an animal with no words.
03P 31 xx:xx NS Supervisors dream that provers notes arrived by E mail but without any times or days noted. Notes did arrive the next day and the times were all written in. but we discovered a mistake and since the proving weekend there has been much confusion about the numbers of the days, notes in my book are full of corrections and the chronology of symptoms being related in conversation has become chaotic also. Confusion thwarting attempts to be rigorous and precise, time-sequence all disturbed.
07P 04 14.30 NS Forgot to phone my supervisor despite checking time that we agreed to talk in the morning - unusual for me.
07P 20 xx:xx NS I am very forgetful especially about appointments (unusual), phoning proving supervisor, and psychotherapist.
08P 02 13.20 AS I have zero concentration (much worse than normally); no drive, can't be arsed to pay attention to the lecturer, feel very slow.
10P 12 xx:xx NS Got my visits mixed up.
10P 07 xx:xx NS Great difficulty at work today. Usually I am very good at talking about one thing and writing about another. Just couldn't do it today and wrote, for example, 'suffering from thunderbirds' as the toddler was playing with a thunderbird toy and It caught my eye! Logistics still plagued with delays and confusions with my appointments and calls. In private life kids in one place and me in another, missing each other, late, etc.
10P 06 xx:xx NS Supervisor rings back. Explained too tired to talk, took down correct number. Had completely changed one of the numbers.
11P 07 xx:xx OS Forgot the key for the house. Made a mistake in painting - used white gloss paint instead of emulsion for a red wall.
11P 05 xx:xx OS On the phone I could not remember my postcode at all for a while. I posted a card with no stamp on.
15P 06 xx:xx NS Didn't remember to call supervisor until 7 pm, also I missed an appointment today and forgot to take something with me as promised when I collected my children from school.
15P 04 xx:xx NS Made mistakes in reading, misread a client's name on screen, replaced the M with an H and then spent ages looking for the wrong case file.
15P 04 xx:xx NS Driving to work I look at other drivers and mistake them for people I know, two other students from the college - someone I give a lift to and someone who asked me about a lift this weekend. Neither live in the town where I work or would be likely to be there. (Have occasionally mistaken people in the past, but quite rarely and this was two in a few minutes).
15P 02 xx:xx RS Left car keys and had to go back for them, friend left hers too.
15P 14 xx:xx NS This came to light around day 34 - I wrote a letter about a complaint case at work including information about something that is not actually happening. I don't know if I took information from a different case, or just imagined it. This was embarrassing when it came to light, but I was more annoyed with myself because it makes me look stupid and creates additional work. The person at the Ombudsman's office that I wrote to asked if I had not been doing the job long.. I've dealt with this type of work for around 10 years and never done anything like it before!
15P 02 xx:xx RS Can't remember the name of someone who's name I asked yesterday. Am normally excellent with names but have had episodes in last month or so of not being able to find the right word or name. However, this was slightly different - I really had no idea what her name was, as if I'd never heard it.
01P 00 xx:xx A lot of issues around time. Past events were very present, time could be steered sometimes, or it could get totally out of control. I kept noticing clocks, and the time would be 4:44 or 2:22 or things like that.
01P 08 AM NS Woke thinking about time and very conscious of time, being surprised by the pace of clocks, slower or faster than I expect.
01P 09 8:06 NS Time pacing, lots of things done in only 20 minutes.
04P 01 18.00 NS We are just about to have tea which seems to be taking ages to sort. Everything feels unreal and the light is weird (the light has a particular quality - like an old rich yellowy glow over the table) and I am so tired, feels like midnight.
10P 08 xx:xx NS Missed work colleague, then too early for dentist. Waited for ages for appointment and then didn't want to talk to dentist.
13P xx xx:xx NS Went to bed and couldn't work out what the time was and had to ring my partner in the middle of the night to find out.
03P 07 8:30 RS Don't feel safe driving in the car. Not judging distances very well.
12P xx xx:xx NS Sensation that I was three times the size I was. My car also felt bigger as if it wouldn't fit in a parking space.
01P 11 xx:xx NS Issues about asking/not asking for help, being comforted, thinking back to yesterday how I was wishing mom would come and sit on the bed and rub my back, how beautiful that felt, and how rare.
04P 07 xx:xx NS I feel reclusive almost - I just want to get on with it. I do not want to discuss it. Went out for coffee this morning and we sat down and did planning and told my partner I want my own office. Unusual for us to plan like this. We sat down and looked at the weekends till march and decided who could have which weekend for doing things - carved it up. Felt good to plan, but I did not want to wallow in it, I wanted to get home and get on.
06P 07 10:45 NS Felt a bit let down, like I'm not sure what I'm doing or why. Wish I could talk to husband, don't like being so out of touch. I feel like crying, I miss everybody, feel lonely and sad. Everything's out of kilter, can't concentrate because I can't get in touch, maybe I should meditate and get in touch that way.
07P 01 xx:xx NS Sense of isolation around the group - during trituration felt that students I was working with thought me stupid (not usual) - and did not want to connect with me.
08P 01 14.00 NS I was standing by myself at the entrance of the school - somebody came and said to me 'you are not in or out'; felt a little bit apart from everything.
10P 01 xx:xx NS Feel lonely and excluded. The laughter from within (inside the building) makes me feel very sad. Feel neglected that nobody has come to look after me, nursing thing?
12P 07 16.30 NS Conversation difficult, want to participate - but feel unable to talk.
12P 10 19.00 NS Episode of feeling very alone. Lots of self doubt. Feel depressed, dejected, rejected, hopeless. Deep depression and despair. Desperate to speak to someone who understands but no one. Want someone close, but not too close. Need emotional contact. Just sit - cant be bothered to do anything - feel hopeless, heavy. Worthless feelings.
15P xx xx:xx NS I had this great idea to go to Middle Eastern Dancing classes. I went and looked in the window and saw all these women doing their thing and I thought I can't go in there, I don't fit there. Stayed for about five minutes, walking away and walking back but I couldn't go in.
15P 02 9.30 NS I don't want to go to college, for the first time. I want to go for a walk instead.
15P 22 xx:xx NS My husband says I seem really distant. I feel I am struggling. The kids missed their school photos and lots of small things are not getting done and this then causes problems. It feels like I have too much on and am not coping with it.
01P 00 xx:xx I was very detached and disconnected from other people during the proving, and still am a bit. It is a real feeling of separation, not a bad feeling at all, but still a clear separation. Part of this feeling had to do with re-evaluating my whole relationship to "what other people think," or seeing yourself through other people's "supposed" eyes, and how that is really only your own distorted lens, which you can dispense with.
01P 21 xx:xx Not connected to universe, feel separate. Trying to be centered and present.
01P 03 xx:xx NS Disconnected feeling. Want it dark.
03P 04 xx:xx RS Very irritable with the children in the morning
03P 30 xx:xx NS Made effort to talk to husband about the proving/themes - where my stuff fits in. Asked how he viewed my behaviour - 'Obstinate, stubborn, difficult, distant, wilful.'
03P 04 xx:xx NS Daughter came in twice in the night. Went to Daddy each time - usually she comes to me. Feeling tired, spacy, but so all over the place as I usually am on coming back from
04P 01 13.00 NS Went for a walk and I felt very spacy like being stoned. Things seemed bright or staccato - a bit like vertigo but not nauseous with it.
15P 01 xx:xx NS I want to lie down and go to sleep. I feel less tired if I lie down. Close my eyes and am aware of listening to more than one conversation at the same time, yet not really present to any of them. It's like being drunk.
16P 03 xx:xx NS Home from Devon after a long drive in the rain. Good to be home but feeling a little disconnected from home, too. Partner said I seemed a little distant.
03P 08 15:00 NS Avoided speaking to anyone at school gate. Usually friendly with other mums.
03P 07 8:00 NS Husband wants to stay home all day to look after me. Asked if I wanted to be somewhere exotic. I said 'Yes - on my own, on an island' Husband very concerned for me and I was completely horrible to him.
08P 07 22.30 AS Quite depressed, don't want to mix and talk with people, especially if I don't know them; want to go home and be alone.
08P 03 18.30 NS Asked my sister a few times where the car is parked, so that she 'suggested' that I should write down 'loss of memory'. Felt very depressed the last 2 hours; didn't want to talk or be spoken to; just wanted to sit and do nothing. I was at a party for my Mom's birthday, and had to force myself to smile and dance. I just wanted to hide somewhere. I feel more confused than usual.
15P xx xx:xx NS Really enjoyed being on my own.
15P 01 18.00 NS I call my proving supervisor and am pleased she is not there. I don't really want to talk to her or tell her about the proving.
15P 02 xx:xx NS I feel like I'm saying the wrong things to people, or rather that they are getting upset with me. I told someone what I thought had happened to their pasty and they got angry with me - but I'm only the messenger! I want to go outside and get away.
16P 02 xx:xx NS Awoke very exhausted from all the dreaming. Felt tired all morning during class. I just wanted to be outside and commune with nature.
17P xx xx:xx NS Sensation of suddenly being located in the middle of my head. Withdrew from the world.
01P 03 PM NS This afternoon, very disconnected from what I am doing, working with dog. They are acting as if I'm not even there, that they are here in body but their minds are somewhere else completely. And I had thought I was communicating something, but all through a sort of screen of foam.
02P 16 PM NS Went to a friend's for dinner tonight. The headache was there and as the night wore on I began to feel almost drugged; as if I was in a tunnel, thus seeing through a fog of sorts. I could feel "myself" in there but at a distance. My friend commented that I was very different; seemed drugged.
03P 18 18:10 RS Sense of distance between me and the world, like a pane of glass - can see and hear but sense of being slightly removed - odd feeling. Remarked to husband, 'I feel as if I'm fading away'. Not interested in food again - not much bothered about eating. Rather write in diary than cook a meal, make beds, unpack suitcases, feed children, study. Feel better for writing it all down.
02P 08 xx:xx NS Have been feeling lately that I can't deal properly with my 17 year old daughter anymore. I'm worn out and don't want to fight with her. I feel like I would just like to sell the house, pack my bags and disappear somewhere and put her in a position where she will have to figure out her life on her own.
03P 10 xx:xx NS House feels too full of stuff - overflowing everywhere and kitchen in chaos. Nowhere to store anything. Want to throw it all away.
17P xx xx:xx NS Completely overwhelmed with things to do and having no space.
02P 05 xx:xx NS Notice that I'm being more social than usual.
03P 02 PM AS Good energies all evening, danced until midnight (usually shattered by 10 pm). Felt very relaxed, connected. (Feeling that others were drawn towards me). Great desire to be dancing with the provers in Year 3 in next room, to be part of the circle, on the inside. Aware much less inhibited than usual.
03P 03 xx:xx AS Desire to reassure those in the group who are really suffering. In general feel very bonded with the group. Want only to be connected to the group. Not wanting contact with certain members of the group if their underlying energy feels too dark/heavy, or with those members of the group not present at the actual proving. (Supervisor feeling suspicious about this statement, about who? Why? Not sharing all the information, didn't invite any further questions. Odd. ) My space felt quiet, still. Avoided buying Plutonium proving - too dark. Disliked the cover - yellow on black. Didn't much want to touch it. Avoiding the heavy stuff. Hydrogen appealed instead. Went for a walk at lunchtime with friends later one of them said where were you at lunchtime? Sense of her not seeing, being oblivious to me.
03P 03 20:00 NS Talked non-stop with another prover on way home (for three and a half hours). But didn't feel connected to husband or children. Felt they were outside my circle. And that I was outside their circle.
04P xx xx:xx NS I feel that we are a subculture; different and don't belong.
10P 01 xx:xx NS During the mixing I felt very stimulated and positive in a calm way. I thoroughly enjoyed the process and felt a growing bond of friendship between myself and my fellow triad. I am new to the group so this was very nice. I have written mellow and peaceful.
12P 05 xx:xx NS Felt included (new symptom). Have previously found it very difficult to do the social stuff.
15P 02 xx:xx NS I notice that I have been OK with other provers, but I'm just not really interested in the others, those not in the proving.
16P 09 xx:xx NS Sitting in the grass in the sunlight. Noticed a shimmering all over the grass. On closer look, it was a mass network of criss-crossed spider webs. Little tiny spiders were using the webs, not to catch prey, but as a kind of highway system. Instead of having to go up and down each blade of grass, they were transporting themselves over these webs that they had spun from grass blade to grass blade. I got down so my eyes were near ground level and could see that this network of shining webs stretched all across the field all interconnected. I thought about how this is their world and they are not at all aware of our world.
16P 30 xx:xx NS Well, even though I wanted to set the intention to finish the proving now, I realize that this proving will finish itself when it's good and ready and not before. It seems to have a life and mind of it's own.
04P 02 2.00 NS Woke in the night (camping) and felt the storm over me and the ground under me - Universal energy all around - I am part of it. I have an awareness, an alertness in me I have not felt before. I feel connected and safe in my place. I still feel excited.
11P 03 xx:xx NS I felt safe in the Homœopathy School and did not want to leave.
01P 07 10:45 I feel like crying, I miss everybody, feel lonely and sad. Everything's out of kilter, can't concentrate because I can't get in touch, maybe I should meditate and get in touch that way.
03P 12 PM NS Felt weepy in the evening (but didn't cry).
03P 36 xx:xx NS Very sensitive to anything to do with children and suffering. Keeping wanting to cry. Own son not feeling loved and feeling sad and crying.
07P 01 xx:xx OS Feel tearful.
12P xx xx:xx NS Very tearful, weeping about my mother.
12P 07 18.00 NS Despondent - start sentence and don't want to finish it. It peters out in babble. Want to cry, but don't. Have to sit down, feel heavy.
12P 05 xx:xx NS Intense. Laughing turned to crying.
13P 06 9.44 NS I want my Mum, I am crying and very sad. I feel like she wants me and I just want to hold her and beheld and just love ignoring all the crap of me and her trying to be good. Simply Mother and daughter loving each other. I feel very sad and sucky. I love her so
14P 03 xx:xx NS Felt weak, unconfident, wanted to leave the homeopathy group and go home.
15P 06 xx:xx NS Problems with the Aga and central heating, made me want to cry. Felt frustrated and alone, like I needed help and there was no-one there to help me.
16P 03 xx:xx NS On telly, we watched a program about an old man who lived alone in a house in London, living like a tramp, no electricity, not hot water, and mounds of trash in his garden. Finally, he became too ill and undernourished and agreed to go to a care home. Listening to him and other residents of the home talking, I started to miss the elderly folk I used to care for as a nurse. I started sobbing.
01P 00 xx:xx NS I felt very strongly that many issues from the past were being presented to me for observation and understanding.
01P 09 xx:xx NS Noticing that I am having flashbacks with pains and twinges to the actual event, like a twinge in by shin and a flashback to whacking it on the stair.
01P 09 xx:xx NS Old memories. Remember spice memories, cinnamon yesterday of grandma, just a whiff of spice that came with a memory, then today of mace and mother.
03P 13 xx:xx NS Supervisor having trouble getting computers to work, to accept proving symptoms being typed in. Developed a really strange fault, making endless copies of document and then saying could not access file, never happened before. I was making great effort and typing in thoughts immediately after speaking to prover, thinking about responsibility to get words exactly as spoken before memory fades. Found that the whole exercise was lost and simultaneously two other computers in the house not working, one denied recognition of Email server, the other the monitor failed, and has not recovered, All went wrong within a twelve hour period. Chaos in the machinery.
12P xx xx:xx NS My cat came home in distress and I discovered that it had been sexually abused.
15P xx xx:xx NS My allergy to cats completely disappeared during the proving and has returned.
22G xx xx:xx NS Convinced that my daughter was being abused by her father.
01P 05 xx:xx NS Female dog and another bitch just like her playing in back, with male dog as well. Like a mirror image of herself. At first I thought she was moving really fast, then I realized there were two of them. Part of dream earlier, searching for some kind of container, some unit of
01P 10 xx:xx NS Examining an accident victim, peeling back layers like clay. Something about responsibility, blame, fault, changing something so it would look different, large
01P 12 xx:xx NS Dreamt I had woken up, lots of coat racks, big old building, for some reason I didn't pee in hotel room and looking for toilet. Even though it was 5 am, there was a performance going on and a toilet in back of the audience hall. It was all very loud, so I peed, then while peeing it got softer and the fellow in the row in front asked if I was peeing, seemed sort of amused and said these toilets weren't supposed to be used because they couldn't be flushed, you had to do it manually with bowl of water. I said I thought you could flush, he said would be nice if you could. But when I got up, (aware of white underpants being very obvious) he was right, no flusher. I tipped the whole thing a bit, and some went down. Going back, we were going down past a hallway, someone had clearly peed against the wall, there was a foamy yellow area with a hardish deposit on the floor.
01P 20 4:16 NS Dream: Feeling of having to go through something although outcome is known.
01P 20 xx:xx NS Dream of dinner party, getting ready, had worn a pale yellow dress that was slimmingly shaped and wool, felt very attractive, similar to deep blue one I'd had years ago when I was very slim. Someone said they had one like that which used to ride up to the waist. I thought smugly that mine fit well. Getting food together, fish, vegetables, took a long time, people came and went. Then I saw my skirt was hiked up, but I had on exercise pants under it, so it didn't matter. It was the next day, still trying to cook the dinner, called friends but they had decided to do something else by then.
01P 24 xx:xx NS Dream of dog who has died, she came with a light glowing from he lead, to show her daughter what to do and how to cross the street properly. She looked so beautiful, we were so happy to see her, then she vanished. Also dream of toilet overflowing.
02P 03 xx:xx NS I remembered my dream. This is very unusual because I very rarely remember my dreams. I came to a strange place (seemed in part like the campus of a large university). I came alone and took off from there on a journey by myself through an unknown land into deep, dark valleys and down sharply winding roads. I was driving a car. I returned safe to the place of my departure. Later two women were preparing to go on the same journey and were expecting me to go with them. I told them I had already gone on alone. They were very surprised, amazed and a little perturbed.
03P 01 xx:xx NS Dream: Desperate to take a shower - they were all in public places. Found one in a children's play park. Tried to stop the children coming into the park so that I could shower in private. Felt exposed.
03P 36 xx:xx NS Dream in morning: About colour. All female members of proving group in my bedroom, but didn't recognise any faces. They had no faces. Some kind of bodywork was to be organised as part of the weekend to do with the proving substance. Discussion about what to wear. Supposed to wear very little. strip down. Nothing sexual. For practical reasons. Colour was of prime importance. Someone said yellow was the colour of flying - golden yellow. Should not wear it if one didn't feel safe, i.e. ready to fly. I felt I'd missed something and thought, but I only have a red bikini (which I do). Then thought in the dream, but if that's the colour I have, then that's the colour that's okay, i.e.. comfortable with red, right for me. (Not actually feeling at all comfortable with red at the moment. Don't really want to think about the reddish top I was wearing when we shared the month's experiences last study weekend - wasn't aware of the colour until another prover pointed it out the following day, and my experiences were partly about bleeding and not bleeding.
03P 36 xx:xx NS Dream last night: Accused of being a witch. Prophesy. Woke hearing the words: 'The sum of the parts is more dangerous than the whole.'
03P 38 xx:xx NS Dream last night: Poison inside me. Had to squeeze it out through tiny holes in my skin - came out as shell-less snails (not slugs). Could see their antennae. Snail-coloured, almost transparent. Also crawling with little black ants. Dream kept repeating. Not frightening, but very unpleasant. Sense that I had to get the poison out, snails kept on coming. Also woke suddenly with night with strong sense of fear in pit of stomach.
03P 41 xx:xx NS At the School for a study weekend. Looking out of windows. Seeing another landscape of trees superimposed on actual landscape. The superimposed landscape was transparent and moving slowly across the actual landscape like a movie. Lay and watched it for ages - felt very calm, contemplative. One or two other people could see it too.
04P 02 xx:xx NS Dream father is dying. I am at parental home in front of the house. Standing at the front door looking up and down the road at the driveways and doors. The neighbour has two cars and I am deciding which of the two I should take to go and see my father in hospital. I am staying at home to man the phone in case there is any news then I realise I just want to be there with him. I go next door to ask neighbour if I can borrow the car and he has had the same idea "Take my car" he says before I have had a chance to say anything.
04P 05 xx:xx NS My eldest sister is getting married and there are a lot of preparations to be made. I suddenly realise we are not invited. We are looking in all the shops and ooing and ahing at all the candle displays she is having for the reception - they are exquisite and I can imagine it being a fantastic party a splendid do. The candles are going to be lots crammed onto cake boards in the shape of Christmas trees. It will be so bright, so lovely. And I am not going. I can not confront her.
04P 11 xx:xx NS Another dream - Trying to flee the city but there are nazi checkpoints - artists are exempt. There are lots of plans amongst us mothers and artists - in the end I take the kids out to Cornwall on holiday. Once there I feel unsafe going back to the city. Lots of woods and trees, we are hiding, meeting in cafes clandestine activity. Partner is going to work in Bath as normal and not part of the plans. He is disconnected.
04P 12 xx:xx NS Dream - railway tracks, looking through blue bins like skips. I am looking for the remains of my dog who has been taken or kidnapped by someone. I am looking for the limbs, etc. I need to be careful. There are people after me - the men from the scrap yard who own the skips know I am on to them. They see me and I run back along the tracks past lots of old parked buses, ambulances. It is like a thriller - crime police telly series feel to it.
07P 05 3.50 NS Sensation of power - of leading a pack against a foe, can't recall details - up a hill - down a dale. Excitement in dream, yet somehow dreadful too, the quarry is not clear. Very unsettling.
07P 05 7.15 NS Dream, a pair of old stone 3 story cottages surrounded by fields and woods. They are lovely, ideal for us. There are birds that are able to fly in the woods and gardens and I am watching them - lively, funny, beautiful colours, happy birds - no containment. There is wood everywhere, warm and glossy, restored with oils, also cricket bats in the garden. I keep saying how lucky they are, suddenly I am overwhelmed with envy and go to the houses. I realise that if I had had a little more money I could have lived in one, I am getting hysterical and start weeping and bemoaning my lot. I take hold of my friend and claw at her face - the feeling is awful-I want to hurt her but know I must not so keep my fingers soft but really I want to claw her flesh from her face (she is lovely looking), I change to hugging and smothering - all the time wanting to hurt.
07P 08 7.20 NS Dream - at a friends house, the man had fallen in love with me and was making advances, his partner was trying not to notice, I was caught between wanting to push him away and encourage him. A group of people had arrived at the window, a big sash window, and told me that my big red balloon was running riot all over the village. I noticed that it was snowing, just started and that they were cold, I told them to go home and keep warm. The balloon was not to do with me, wondering how I was to deal with it. I had a picture of the balloon - red with all the strings and basket hanging down.
07P 15 xx:xx NS Dream: I belong to a club that wears a particular type of shoe, white leather, soft with pale blue writing on them. I am working for the club making and serving up food. I am practising this and the food is falling off the plates onto the floor. A friend is showing me how to do it. I am attracted to a homœopath, also connected to the club, not sexual feelings but very warm and close, leaning against him, feeling his connection to me, lying curled around each other in bed in a crowded room, the club. I am suddenly aware that people will notice and untangle. His eyes are red and I comment upon this.
07P 16 xx:xx NS Dream, Long involved dream, difficult to remember sequence and events as the ending is so horrific. We arrive at the beautiful house - it is big and very rich, beautiful furnishings, red and orange and gold, ornate fire place. We go in, there is an easy relaxed, welcoming feeling. My boyfriend is there with me, he has some chocolates from the homœopath, they are horrid, lemon and slimy, he eats them with a fork. I say that he must share them with our hosts. My boyfriend takes me in his arms and we start dancing up and down this long room. Fantastic, free, so together. I am delighted and say "I didn't think you could quick step", he smiles in a seductive way. There is a shopping market with beautiful clothes. There are two young men who appear in gorgeous dresses and shirts: lace, silk, such sumptuous clothes. They are delighted and swirl around, I admire them, one is in grey silk. I touch the cloth and am very struck by the softness of the silk, he has a silk bag that I caress and smooth against my face ,so cool and smooth against my face. So cool and smooth - beautifully calming. I say "feel this". We start to walk into the house and stop at the outer porch. We sit in the porch and kiss. My boyfriend has his shirt undone and his penis is showing. I am getting sexually excited and we kiss again. Two men come out of the door dark, swarthy. One is bald - and look appalled at what we are doing. One mentions the shirt and I try to cover up my boyfriend with my body. The aggressive men throw down a black oily rag, my boyfriend picks it up and starts crying that it is his velvet shirt covered in black oil. I touch the shirt and get oil on my rust coloured silk shirt . I am furious and run around to find the man who did this amongst the crowd of party people- all dressed up as we are. I find one man and start shouting and complaining, I am very angry. I look at his face, he is sullen, brutal, a hard set face and I realise the gravity of the situation. He calls another man, my boyfriend attempts to intervene and is taken away. I do not see him again. The other man calls again and 2 youths with 3 arms each arrive with big bows made of rough twigs and threaten to shoot me. I am scared and yet reason with them that this is ridiculous. They go away. Another man starts gobbing at me - big, frothy, yellow slimy gob he spits and it showers me and my face. I know that it is time for surrender and I ask God for help. Suddenly I am putting an oily dirty rag in the mans mouth and as I do so 2 other men grab my arms and start taking me away. I look around at the faces- the females faces are battered, cut and bruised. Their hair is shaved in parts, there is clotted blood on their heads. I know my fate. I feel a steel blade against my head and grab hold of it, my hand runs blood (no pain), it is a razor, my hair is being roughly cut off. I feel angry/indignant and push the razor into the man's face. I am forced towards a concrete alley, I look down at the margin between the concrete and the basement window and see a bloodstained machete/butcher's knife - very big. I feel very scared and start yelling and shouting "God save me, God forgive me". I am hysterical, my arms are held behind my back and I am given a shot of something within a strange metal contraption that calms me right down - I feel myself sink onto my knees praying with my hands together, now internally I am OK, surrendered and repeating quietly and easily "God save me" with a sense that I will be received. Behind a wall comes a squat man with a big wooden cudgel and then it goes out of my line of vision. I am waiting for the final wallop, not scared, resigned. I am still waiting when I wake. I feel my hands and ankles as if bound - I dare not open my eyes for a few seconds, just in case, then when I know I am here I open them. Feel numbed and shocked and cannot move for a few minutes then tears of relief. Horrid dream. My right hand is asleep and my hands are together under my head - my ankles still feel bound together. I am struck by the sensations in this dream, the textural feeling of things, the silk is larger than life. This dream is set in a previous time forties or fifties. The clothes aren't that period but the sensation and the cars are, on reflection the people at the second house are like gangsters or Mafia.
07P 17 xx:xx NS Dream Walking around a big zoo, there are snakes that appear from one pond and glide along the path to disappear into another. One snake has stripes, the other square blocks of chocolate brown along its length. I tell the children to keep away, I am not scared but cautious. We look into a set of cages on a corner and there are insects and lizards, brightly coloured that can get out and I wonder why they keep poisonous animals there. There is a box full of brightly coloured snakes. There is a scheme to adopt a tiger, a rabbi sits with a graph of tigers and the zoo official says it is unlikely that it will be achieved as the tigers eat too much. The rabbi's son looks crestfallen.
07P 20 xx:xx NS Famous homœopath is showing the preserved remains of a chick embryo, very big and yellow, encased in bright red oxide mud, still oozing and gooey from the Cambrian period. Very interesting and impacting dream, 'fossil' very clear and focused, even now.
07P 25 2.00 NS Dream: Just as falling asleep I had a thought that I was driving on a roundabout, there was a car to my left and we are about to collide, wake very rattled.
07P 27 xx:xx NS Vivid dreams of fellow homœopathy students. Of a group in which my boyfriend tells me that he has another relationship. I find the woman, I recognise her as I have been told that she has short dark hair and brown eyes, she is stylish and pretty. I talk to her and see how in love she is, I feel anxious and curious, and say "It would have been OK if not for you." I know I have lost, it feels like a game.
07P 34 7.15 NS Dream of dogs, domestic and of 'Cruft's prizes', with a large gathering of people in the park, riding a bicycle through the park, entertainers approaching me, college students on a campus, newly built with tree lined avenues. Of cream, thick, yellow clotted in vagina, excrement coming out of my vagina on going to the toilet, blocked toilet, nappies, clothes, toilet overflowing through cistern. Of having left home/flat, thrown out, and in very grotty bedsit - tatty and unclean -horrid but knowing that I didn't have any money to go elsewhere. Previous occupant had had small children, nappies and mess all over.
07P 37 xx:xx NS Dream of black and yellow banded snakes, small ones.
08P 07 8.30 NS Had two dreams where I had sex; in one of them two women stuck their tongues in my mouth at the same time - had dreams like this before, but the tongue thing is new, very bizarre.
08P 10 8.00 NS Had a bizarre dream - I was on a party, and there I had sex with a woman (not my girlfriend); I felt disappointed, because I thought something like this (being unfaithful) would never happen to me. Driving back from the party, I realised that my baby (which had been for some reason left in the car) had been stolen; I panicked, and with this feeling I woke up. PS: I am going to become a father in 2 months; no, I haven't been unfaithful in real life.
08P 11 xx:xx NS My penis was bleeding, blood was coming through the skin, blood was everywhere on and around my penis. In the dream I went to my supervising homeopath in the middle of the night to tell him about the new symptom.
08P 33 xx:xx NS Long and intense dream; in the middle of it a big storm and floods were expected and so we (me and my girlfriend) were trying to escape from it. But then nothing happened.
08P 34 xx:xx NS Had very long, intense and bizarre dreams; in one of them I became a lobster with big red pincers; in another dream I had lots of red spots everywhere, especially in my face, almost the size of a penny.
08P 42 xx:xx NS Took an ecstasy pill (which I have never done before) and went subsequently to the hospital where they gave me lots of valium - they told me that I won't be able to move for a few days, and that I better stay in the hospital. I didn't stay, and then suddenly I panicked with all the chemicals inside me. I started to vomit, and by doing this the problem was solved. I was still wandering though why on earth I had allowed myself to take all these drugs and chemicals.
08P 44 xx:xx NS I was quite drunk last night (first time since the proving started), so maybe this influenced the following dream: In the beginning I was completely obsessed with wearing a red T-shirt; I then realised in my dream that the red T-shirt thing was only in a dream, but that it is still another red thing for the proving. Next thing that happened was that my girlfriend had our child without me and she called our daughter Rosa, although we had agreed on a different name. This left me feeling very angry and upset.
10P 01 xx:xx NS Dreamt of a child death. Home Visitor work type dream. Emotion of parental guilt and grief. Visiting mum with young kids with my kid because I think she is lonely. She was pleased to see us, then her husband was pleased to see us. Pleasant and fulfilling dream of doing good.
10P 05 xx:xx NS Remember one poignant bit where left hand was red and right hand was white. I had to clasp hands together for positive result, some sort of wisdom/knowledge.
10P 07 xx:xx NS Travel again. Going on holiday with husband to a lion park. Being given spliffs to smoke - legally on a very plush bus. Delighted they were legal and smoked them all. Arrived at reception of park. Felt happy and woosy, then too much. Taken by husband to lie down on couches where other couples reclined apparently normally. Long black leather couches like doctors but double. My husband lay with me and we chatted. The end. (I've never done drugs!)
10P 08 20.00 NS Got caught out of room (at loo) when the Governor started his speech - never happened to me before! Had to wait at back of room until applause broke out and I was able to slip back into my seat - well within view of the speaker. Embarrassing but had to brave it out.
10P 09 xx:xx NS Long involved dream about spite, injustice (government, type) and planning an escape. Set in a 'nice' house on a grassy hill. Open and bright countryside. Successfully saved the victim. I seem to have been several people in this dream. At least both the victim and the rescuer and perhaps several others as well.
10P 13 xx:xx NS In a strange, massive church with a friend when the much loved Vicar announces he is dying of cancer. I feel very sorry for the congregation who are stunned as the Vicar attempts to reassure them.
10P 14 xx:xx NS Strange dream about moving house and being flooded. Raining hard outside.
10P 14 xx:xx NS Awful dream about my hands being covered in green snot and washing hands in cold water.
10P 18 xx:xx NS A nasty dream about having facial pimples which yielded very unpleasant insect like creatures with forked tails when plucked out with tweezers.
10P 19 xx:xx NS Dreamt I was helping a blind man but he began to 'come on' to me. Felt both embarrassed and annoyed.
10P 20 xx:xx NS I was driving past road works and my car fell into the hole, slipped in sideways. Not hurt or frightened. Annoyed at the delay. Needed to be cut out and worried that the insurance company would not write off the car but attempt to fix it causing great inconvenience.
11P 02 xx:xx NS There were two roads. I was driving. The roads divided, split. One way was up a hill, Which way? There was a bridge. There were swans under it.
11P 05 xx:xx NS Dream a large white bin liner of rubbish neatly tied - someone else's, I think it was surgical waste.
11P 06 xx:xx NS Dream of money, economizing, just before waking then repeated the dream before waking properly. The second time there were a big pile of whisks, little cheap ones. The first time there were rubbish bags and money. Savings.
11P 07 xx:xx NS A wicker breast plate (as in armour) and a voice saying Victory or Into Battle or something like that.
11P 11 xx:xx NS A hermaphrodite like a pixie animal with breasts.
11P 12 xx:xx NS Dream of frames, as in picture frames, recurring more than once in the night. It seems like my dreams are recurring, I almost wake up and then have the same or similar dream.
11P 17 xx:xx NS Dream of a gateway into a field, recalling a feeling of an event with my mother going to her old childhood places in Ayelsbury.
11P 19 7.30 NS Two people leaving me. My partner said he thought I was a fool and said I was stupid. We were in a pub. I walked in looking undignified, hat, scarf, with my family, he did not like me, he rejected me. My ex husband was there and I was with my family and we all ignored my partner then we left the pub and left my ex-husband and my partner talking.
11P 19 xx:xx NS Dream My daughter living in a caravan apart from us. I was angry with her. I wanted her to be closer to me but I kept shouting at her and driving her away. She seemed to not to want to bother with me but only with her friends and my ex husband. I kept shouting at her and saying go away but at last I said, or thought, I will help you do anything.
11P 24 xx:xx NS Dream two toadstools like penises in the car.
11P 29 xx:xx NS Dream There was an image like a picture of a rainbow sort of towards the left. It was beautiful and like in pastel shades. Then there was an image like a picture of a storm towards the right. I nearly woke, then slept and repeated the dream. I knew it was to do with the proving.
11P 29 xx:xx NS Dream The police were looking in my house, I tried to warn my son. We were on a bus and he was upstairs, I found him and warned him and it felt resolved.
12P 07 xx:xx NS Dreaming intense, lots but can't remember them.
13P 01 xx:xx NS A student and 2 others were in a car and he was making a decision whether to persecute me or not. He tried to get out of the car and then decided to stop and cause me pain, but it didn't really affect me, the persecution. Then terrorism around me and falling from a big American type loft apartment with a fireman saving someone with their body as a shield.
13P 02 xx:xx NS About going out with an old boyfriend at his sister's insistence. He was a young boy though and looked ill, like a little kid with leukaemia, but it didn't revolt me. It felt nice to be just simply going out with him and I didn't have to be this crazy person travelling and doing loads, I was going back to a simple life. Guess what the ex-boyfriend's birthday is September 11th!
13P 04 xx:xx NS Lots of blood and I killed a guy nastily with electric wire to make it painful. Then I had been asleep in the dream and woke up with blood and tomato ketchup around my mouth. The feeling was that I must be mean to want to hurt.
13P 04 xx:xx NS Someone gets shot. 2 men are shooting at each other I think I am one of the men. There is lots of blood and they are wanting to kill the other. Planes are dropping and falling from the air. Parts of them are missing and they are flying really low and trying to get higher but can't so fall out of sky. It is like they are going past a window next to me, so they are really big and close.
13P 05 xx:xx NS I have had a dream one day maybe today whilst dosing of singing loudly and from my gut with passion and confidence next to my partner and then when I stopped I thought it must have sounded terrible.
13P 06 xx:xx NS I feel as though I am going somewhere different and important, somewhere where I've always wanted to go and I feel that I wouldn't do it at home.
13P 06 xx:xx NS The students are breaking the rules and I am panicked. Students are there and breaking rules with ease and I am trying to but can't. There are wires and I am trying to fit them into place. I am stressed. I am having to co-ordinate it all. I am in a friend's apartment and someone has killed him and I was destroying the evidence by putting a charcoal block into a dustbin and I then burned the whole bin. I had to open a window.
13P 10 xx:xx NS I was driving and I just missed killing a baby in a pram and a toddler. I woke up with a start thinking thank god that was close with my heart pounding.
14P 02 4.00 NS Dreamt of naked men rolling in sand dunes. They were humiliated, as if they had lost their clothes while falling down on the dunes.
14P 09 6.00 OS Woke up with a dream image of two young cyclists resting. I felt overwhelmingly sad that I had lost my youth and health and would never get them back.
14P 12 xx:xx NS Dream - end only. A small girl (3 or 4 years old) standing in an empty space. The girl was me. I felt a sensation of being vulnerable and helpless.
14P 22 xx:xx NS A small girl entered a narrow opening to a cave to go to school. I was her helper. But she grew in the cave and couldn't get out. I was at a loss to help.
14P 35 xx:xx NS Fantasy when half-asleep of stabbing an imaginary intruder in the throat.
14P 45 xx:xx NS To stop myself eating, I tied myself to the sofa with ropes. On waking, I fantasized about stabbing and shooting intruders.
15P 01 xx:xx NS Dream of typing and record keeping.
15P 08 xx:xx NS Dream: I am trying to walk across land that is covered in deep circular holes, as if drilled into the ground, each hole is the diameter of a telegraph pole.
15P 10 xx:xx NS Dream: I am in a stolen super-car inside a tall building and drive out through the window in order to escape. I land in another country and am on the run. A woman helps me and she hires a less conspicuous car and we buy groceries for the journey. In the shop she is buying masses of fruit and I am packing it into bags quickly because I am worried I will be recognised and caught. The bags keep splitting and the fruit is falling out as I pack them.
15P 10 xx:xx NS Dream: I woke remembering a dream where someone was telling me my hair was full of fleas and that I was unaware of them. This seemed strange as I could remember my husband telling me there were midges in my hair yesterday evening as I stood in the kitchen. Unsure whether this too was part of my dream I asked my husband who tells me I must have dreamt all of it. I find it disturbing that I cannot tell dream from reality.
15P 31 xx:xx NS Dream: I am buying clothes and trying on things, thinking I'll buy them but realising that they don't suit me. I am in a rush and trying to please the other women I am shopping with, by buying something, anything and buying it quickly.
15P 42 xx:xx NS Dream: Someone or something was climbing into a hole and I knew they would fall down. I leapt out of bed to pull them out shouting 'no, no, no' and then woke up.
15P 45 xx:xx NS Leapt out of bed shouting 'no, no, no' trying to stop someone from swimming around in muck or sewage. Dream: Dog urinated on the doormat.
15P 48 xx:xx NS Dreams of horses, of my dog defecating on my bed and leapt out of bed again.
16P 02 xx:xx NS Many dreams all night long, one after another. Finally gave up trying to write them all down because I had to try to get some sleep. But even then I was dreaming constantly and not sleeping soundly.
16P 04 xx:xx NS I was in a room with swirling psychedelic lights and hypnotic music. I awoke with a feeling that there was something depraved about it all-but I don't know what.
16P 04 xx:xx NS There was another dream where I felt sexually aroused but can't remember any further details.
16P 08 xx:xx NS I was trying to walk with my legs all swaddled up in layers of restrictive clothing. Don't know where I am trying to go. Feeling of frustration as I could not get where I wanted to go.
16P 18 xx:xx NS Last night had a dream about my legs bleeding. The skin was very loose. Someone put their fingers under the skin and lifted it up. Blood was streaming down my legs.
16P 30 xx:xx NS Dreamt about being in a cave, so vivid I will always remember. I was walking up to a door of the cave. A green door and gothic looking cave. Cosy with candles. I approached and walked inside, 'it was my home' and it felt cosy and safe. What did it look like/ feel like ? There was a warm glow from the candle and the fire. A friend was outside and I invited her in. That was all really, it was just bright, cosy and warm. I don't think I will ever forget it, it is one of those dreams that will always be with me.
12P 03 11.15 NS Dizzy feeling, like feet stuck to floor, and head and body swaying around (bit like a weeble).
12P 08 7.30 NS Irritable, no room to move. Feel queasy, dizzy, room swirling as I move. Have to sit down, puled down, feel heavy as if I would collapse if I didn't sit down.
15P xx xx:xx NS Felt dizzy whenever I stood on a step to get some files.
01P 05 9:20 NS Fleeting head pain. Top right section, dull pressing.
01P 10 10:00 NS I have a horrible frontal headache, my eyes and throat are dry, lips feel all swollen and dry, slight twinge under left breast.
01P 10 xx:xx OS Headache continuing to press on both sides of head and back, better rubbing.
01P 18 7:00 NS Slight headache right, vertex and crown.
02P 16 9:00 NS About 9:00 am I got a headache. It was bad from the start. Sometimes I would just have to stop and hold my head in both hands. The pressure seemed to make it feel better. At one point I bent over to look in a low shelf and when I stood up the pounding pain was unbearable. The pain is behind my eyes; throughout the upper half of my head. It feels like it should be affecting my vision, but I don't notice any change. Worse when I was chewing a chewy bar. At 1 pm it is still bad. This headache seemed to get better with focused mental activity. As long as I was engaged in work (at school and when I got home where I very successfully completed about 3 to 4 hours of bookkeeping) in an intense way I did not notice the headache. Once I would stop and think about casual things I could feel it again. It was a very productive time for me. Not scattered but focused.
03P 17 17:30 RS Vague headache over top of head.
03P 24 xx:xx NS Head has been itching for several days not. Feel as if small lumps on scalp.
04P 03 10.00 NS Left temple boring pain.
06P 26 20.00 NS Headache pushing in from both sides.
07P 04 15.00 NS Headache - pushing in, starting very mild then increasing to cover eyes and temples - neck stiff - worse moving to left., pushing in behind left ear, pronounced, uncomfortable, not actually painful. Children arrive home and headache goes.
07P 05 03.50 NS Headache top of head on waking, bursting, thumping, worse on swallowing, dry mouth.
07P 06 21.00 NS Walking to the pub, air cold, feeling like been pushed in a line across the back of my head between ears - pushed hard, forwards, intense, stopped me being able to swallow easily. (In retrospect like a blow from an iron bar - not sharp - but continuous cold hard pressure for about 30 seconds.)
07P 14 22.30 NS Mild headache all day, building to greater pressure on temples at 22.30 with slight nausea, then spreading to forehead, tender and aching.
07P 15 8.00 NS Awoke with headache - in band around the back of my head and over eyes, pulsating.
08P 01 13.45 AS Feel pressure / heat in my head, and had to take another deep breath. My face is constantly flushed. (I get a flushed face sometimes when I am embarrassed, but it is never constant, though now a similar sensation; I obviously have to breath deeply sometimes, but it is different now again, more of a real need to breathe deeply.)
08P 04 14.30 NS I have a headache at the sides of my head, about half an inch behind the temples (towards the back), it is pressing / stabbing.
11P 07 xx:xx NS Headache on left side by my ear and eye, piercing for a few moments after reading bad news.
11P 09 xx:xx NS I woke up with a headache, throbbing over one eye - I had drunk wine the night before.
12P 03 xx:xx NS Congestive pain either side of bridge of nose and occiput.
12P 04 13.25 NS Head heavy, better hanging head upside down.
14P 07 11.00 NS Sudden headache when standing up at home. It passed in seconds.
14P 09 11.00 OS Severe headache when coughing going downstairs at home. Lasted a minute.
15P 01 xx:xx NS Sudden sharp pain on the right side of my head, behind my ear but a little lower down.
15P 01 xx:xx NS There is a pain which started at the top of my neck/base of my head and then travelled up and over my head, settling in the forehead, just above my eyebrows, initially stronger above the right eyebrow but then more so above the left. There is also a sense of pressure on the top of my head.
15P 02 16.40 NS Head pain, a pressing pain on the left side from the back, level with my ear, extending through to my forehead.
15P 02 8.00 OS Head feels like a hangover, heavy with a dull ache at the back of the head.
15P 02 xx:xx OS Hair greasy, lank, static, stuck to my head.
17P xx xx:xx NS Feeling of wanting my head to fall forward, relief from letting it.
01P 02 17:00 IOS Eyes burn and run, nose fuller than usual when cutting onion.
01P 02 7:30 NS Eyes kind of dry and sandy.
01P 02 xx:xx NS Eyes still feel dry and a bit burning around rims of lids.
03P 13 10;00 NS Notice blurring of lenses happening all day, usually only happens in the evening when my eyes are tired and dry.
03P 17 18:10 RS Tired eyes
03P 40 19.30 OS Bad visual disturbances, left eye. Started with darkening of vision, felt out of balance. Then zigzags in front of left eye with jumping. Had to lie down. Felt I needed to eat, and was better for eating. Cleared by 20.30. Left with vague headache over left eye, moved to top of head, then to right eye. Ache sensation started with a horizontal line over the top of head into right eye.
04P 06 9.00 NS Dry eyes, seem to be sticking, not smooth.
07P 02 8.00 NS Eyes bunged up (not sore but gooey).
07P 30 xx:xx RS Eyes itchy and sore both at the morning and evening, also feeling bunged up in the morning.
08P 13 8.45 OS Left eye was itching a lot, and it was very red. This morning it is the same itching, but without the redness. Instead it is more watery, shining.
10P 01 xx:xx NS Needle like pain in left eye.
10P 01 xx:xx NS Eyesight tunnelling in. A sort of greyness.
13P 03 12.50 NS Itchy eyes, in the corner at the tear ducts in the left one but earlier it was in the right one. Eyes were gooey in the morning.
13P 04 xx:xx NS Light sources are driving me mad. They are sore on my eyes and hard when I am dosing and my eyes feel very heavy.
13P 07 20.17 NS Really itchy left eye in inner part of the lid. Both days today and yesterday I have seen something out of the right side of my eye, like an eye lash or something dangling off my eyelashes.
13P 07 21.18 NS Sensation in my right eye like something there wanting to move it.
15P 04 xx:xx OS Right upper eyelid twitching/ticking. Very slight and short lived.
15P 08 xx:xx NS Have had a sort of white mist in front of my left eye occasionally over the last few days. It's as if there is a little oily film on my eye, like I might get when removing eye makeup. It blurs my visions lightly. Have been cleaning my glasses because I keep thinking it
15P 09 9.30 NS Walking across the fields with my dog I could see shimmering, a bit like when you watch heat shimmering in the summer. However, this was different because it was cold and windy and the shimmering was moving as if blown by the wind. It was like watching the energy of the planet being blown by. I could also see little tiny sparkles randomly moving, like electrons whizzing about.
16P 1 16.00 NS Sitting in the group after the trituration: My vision was misty; looking at the people and objects in the room was like looking through a very fine mist or fog.
01P 02 18:00 NS Pricking pain as if with wide pointed thing, left ear, just below ear, lasts one minute, just before that, the ear was itching inside.
01P 02 AM NS Thought sounds were much louder and more distinct: both distant conversations and my footsteps.
03P 03 8:45 NS Not hearing the end of people's sentences, if other noise around, as if filtering system not working properly. Mishearing words.
08P 03 7.30 NS My ears are blocked too, causing some kind of rushing sound.
08P 05 23.50 NS Difficult hearing, lots of rushing - as if I am in a car and pass along other cars; a constant and regular coming and going of sounds, wave like every second.
11P 01 xx:xx OS I experienced deafness in both ears. It was slight and was to the human voice. It wore off quite quickly.
13P 01 xx:xx NS Left sided earache, a little crunchy.
13P 03 11.00 OS Right sided earache that came on instantly with swallowing, lasted only a few minutes and gone as quickly as came.
13P 07 xx:xx NS I can hear my phone ringing everywhere just slight enough for me to say to myself is that my phone.
14P 04 10.00 RS High-pitched ringing in ears after smoking.
14P 11 xx:xx NS Aching in external ears and around bones in skull near ears. Lasted a few minutes.
15P 02 xx:xx NS In the conservatory talking with two friends I notice that the noise seems to be getting louder and echoing around