The Homťopathic Proving of Heroin

Janet Snowdon

Bath 1998 and 1999

Materia Medica

MIND

DREAMS

PHYSICALS

 

Mind Themes of Heroin

Analgesia

Sensitivity

Carefree

Anxiety

Isolation

Shame

Apathy

Confusion

Industry

Self Hatred

Anger

Truth/Religion

Lies/Death

Analgesia

I felt dreamy, slightly stoned and lightheaded, eyelids reluctant to open. 02P 01 XX.XX NS

Heavy rain had a calming influence on me. 02P 06 XX.XX NS

Difficult phone-call to deal with last night - brother-in-law said sister threatening to kill herself. Immediately felt tightening in solar plexus like somebody had winded me. My relationship with her is so difficult and bound up with so much history, when crises arise this horrible anxious, angry guilt races to the fore. The phone call could have sent me into a terrible spin, but I was very calm, just had a knot in my diaphragm. 03P 04 XX.XX NS

Still feeling surprisingly calm. Have noticed that even when I do get cross with either of the children, the harassed feeling goes again quickly. 03P 08 XX.XX NS

Clarity of mind seems to have returned. Feel calm, in control and happy, Unconcerned by ovulation pain. 03P 15 XX.XX NS

I'm enjoying the children at the moment. Feel less than usual incidents of irritation. Either I'm feeling more relaxed about things or they're being easier - perhaps a bit of both. 03P 16 XX.XX NS

Feel on top of it all and not frazzled. Even the prospect of my mother-in-law arriving is not too daunting. 03P 17 XX.XX NS

Dealt with disappointment better than I would normally have done. 05P 06 XX.XX NS

Do feel that another observable change from the remedy is the ability to accept how things are and not be devastated by disappointment. 05P 09 XX.XX NS

Accepted something that would normally have annoyed me. 05P 09 XX.XX NS

Not desperately upset that holiday is over. Its been such a relaxing time that it feels more than an escape from life at home, so feel set up to get on with things again. 05P 11 XX.XX NS

Made decision not to go to work, and didn't feel awkward about letting them down which I would normally. 05P 22 XX.XX NS

Feeling vague but calm. 06P 01 XX.XX NS

Feeling vague -feels like a hangover. 06P 02 XX.XX NS

I woke up this morning refreshed and renewed. I feel relieved. Emotionally stable. No murky dreams. I've really been dismembered, but that's OK. Peaceful. 08P 13 XX.XX NS

Feeling like I'm on some sort of medication -- it's not unpleasant, and I'm able to cope fine but it is strong. 08P 22 XX.XX NS

Time slowed down. Spacy. Trippy. 10P 01 12.30 NS

Work with boys full of rage in football match. I am calm and unbothered. 10P 02 XX.XX NS

Things expanding, getting fuzzy. 10P 04 XX.XX NS

Feel okay with girl friend's children, patient and understanding. Distinct change. Normally I react more. Moaning and groaning about them less. 10P 12 XX.XX NS

Mind waited patiently for over an hour for bus. Sang Xmas carols. 10P 25 XX.XX NS

I was aware of feeling very contented with life, but detached. 11P 01 XX.XX NS

I felt emotional and tearful but calmer than of late. 12P 02 XX.XX NS

Feeling of being both inside and outside my life. 12P 11 XX.XX NS

Emotionally volatile, mentally resilient. 12P 14 XX.XX NS

Heady, unreal feeling. 13P 03 21.00 NS

Withdrawal of generosity. I had got plant for friend and decided not to give it to her. Feeling cruel. 13P 10 XX.XX NS

On way home, had the feeling son would be home from uni, but thought, no he's not back till Friday. Arrive home, as I pull up I can see husband in kitchen so I toot at him and wave. When I got in son was home. So pleased to see him, urge to slap his cap in playful way. He tells me he's left his bag on the train, I feel a slight niggle but it's gone and I'm not bothered (very unusual for me).14P 01 18.30 NS

Phone sister, she tells me younger sister is going to Australia to live. Make the right noises, but can't seem to feel the emotions. Phone mother; she talks about her cat's illness. Once again I make the right noises but can't feel, like an inner numbness. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Put daughter on another coach in London to go to Stevenage. Notice a lack of strong feelings one way or the other about it. Feel sure she will be okay. Go off to meet my mum. I can't feel, not overjoyed or even particularly pleased to see my mum. We go for lunch - I'm just going through the motions, trying to take in everything around me, trying to feel some inspiration. 14P 03 12.30 NS

Visit the opera house, felt slight stirring when I saw it. Slight stirring when I see the opera house at Convent Garden and when I walked around it. I think it looks beautiful, but I don't feel anything. I feel I have to force myself to be interested in it, I want to be interested but there's a sort of indifference to everything. Visited the shop, slight stirrings as I looked around it, Carmen playing on a big screen, felt transfixed by it for a few moments but couldn't concentrate on it. I think it's wonderful, again a sort of slight stirring of interest. Imagine life like this, being unable to react or respond with joy or excitement. My mum is chatting away, thank goodness she doesn't seem to notice that I'm not engaging in any conversation. Visit National Gallery, same sort of slight feelings while looking at stuff in the shop. I'm instantly drawn to a beautiful but simple sketch of T.E. Lawrence, I have to have a print and also some postcards of it. Drawn to Virginia Woolf and the saying on this diary. I've written my proving in here to have it. Certain words have grabbed me. "It is in the idleness of our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top"
14P 03 15.00 NS

Arrive in Swindon. Husband asks have you enjoyed your day. I say yes, because I knew I had - but I hadn't felt I'd enjoyed it - a sort of take it or leave it feeling. 14P 03 19.30 NS

There is no fluctuation of feelings, joy, interest, inspiration etc. Like I'm switched off, can switch on to talk to people but not 'to feel' but then seem to switch off. There's a general lack of response to situations. The loss of my sons uni work in his bag. My friends operation. My mum's cat. My sister moving to Australia 14P 03 XX.XX NS

No anxiety felt about catching coach with daughter. Went through my usual routine as if I was panicking about getting the coach, but wasn't actually feeling it. I knew we would catch it. Its strange when you're reacting to things and habits because of old patterns, but realise that the original emotions aren't there. Didn't feel anxious but was going through the routine responding to an anxiety that wasn't there. On the coach - weather is so bad. Its raining, then snowing. I'm very aware of the grimness of the weather but very accepting of it - it didn't matter. 14P 03 XX.XX NS

Visit a friend, I'm pleased because she's easy to be with, which suits my laid back attitude. I notice when I'm talking to her about the expense of university, the palpitations start up, I also notice that I let go of things as I talk about them, I'm not dwelling. (Eldest son commented on this too.) Comments like, oh well, its got to be done, or got to be paid, or that's life, or well I'll just have to get on with it. The difference is, normally I might say that just as a figure of speech, but at the moment I mean it. Seems more down to earth, more freedom to move in and out of things, moods, states, etc. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Eldest son lying pathetically on sofa, not feeling at all well. I don't feel much sympathy (very unusual for me.) I ask how he is, and immediately want to know if he's been to Job Centre (heartless cow!) Make what I consider to be the right noises and go off into kitchen. Younger son's friend is coughing (he's a patient of mine). I show concern and ask about his cough, etc. My eldest shouts through from the other room, that's right, make a fuss of him, don't worry about me dying here, I'm much more ill than he is. I find this amusing and interesting, realising that my lack of sympathy has been detected. This must all feel very different to my son, perhaps its disturbing him a little. (My rather blasé‚ approach to everything at the moment.) 14P 07 XX.XX NS

Out for the day. Discover lots of new things. Keep coming across fast flowing water. Beautiful gardens with bluebells, wood anemones, etc. Like looking at it all but not moved by it, sort of accepting of it. Keep noticing ducks, love watching them and other birds. Watch a pair of birds feed their young baby –it can hardly fly. Interested to see that they fly off and leave it to fend for itself if anything frightens them - totally unprotected. They don't sacrifice themselves to try and protect their young. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Mother rings, causes a scene with my sister, because my brother is with us and hasn't been to see her for weeks. I come home and walk into this situation which has affected the whole house. I am amazed at the whole thing. I have such selfish parents, their behaviour is bizarre at times. My sister has been very upset by it all. I'm quite amazed that it happened while I was out, I'm glad too. It doesn't affect me too much – a sort of numbness – indifference to it all. 14P 11 XX.XX NS

Ring fellow prover, think, fuck it, I need to speak to someone – who cares if we're not supposed to. I feel much better for unloading a bit and chatting with her. Feel we have the ability to deal with this in trustworthy way. The lack of feeling is the most amazing thing. It's quite a relief in lots of ways. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

Out shopping with Dad, he's so excited going round Aldi picking up bargains. Can't raise an ounce of enthusiasm. It's not really a boredom, I'm enjoying my Dad's company, but just can't raise my interest levels. I think it is a sort of indifference. Even my driving is slow and methodical. Although once I'm in 4th gear I want to just go like the wind. Visiting camping shop, lots of little gadgets to look at. Dad thinks I'm bored to tears but it's not that. Don't speak unnecessarily, don't see the point, the opposite of how I was on Friday when I chattered all day. It's like I've worn that out now. Was easy to be honest and open with Dad, too much effort involved in being anything else. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

Father comes in full of problems about the health of his ladyfriend. I'm able to respond without feeling any anger or resentment towards her. Sort of detached feeling. I can see he is anxious and worked up, I can even remain calm and unaffected by that. Feel, well, it's their lives, their health, it's not my worry or responsibility. 14P 15 XX.XX NS

Feel stirrings in my abdomen when I get narked, but noticeable lack of strong feelings and emotions. 14P 22 XX.XX NS

Deep in thought. Nearly had accident on way home. Miserable. 15P 01 18.00 NS

Aware that I have no symptoms of my cold. Feel strongly that that illness has gone. 15P 04 XX.XX NS

In morning woke and thought, I'm not going to have any more symptoms they're taking over my life. Up and down all day. Wouldn't allow self to wallow in it. 15P 08 XX.XX NS

Thoughout the past week, I have been feeling like it's an indulgence to be doing the proving, like I can let myself go. There's a freedom, the freedom to be me, however I am, because the remedy/proving can take the responsibility and I don't have to worry, whatever my feelings and actions. It's not a sense of euphoria, or relief, or anything like that - simply that I don't have to bother about taking responsibility. It feels very ordinary. 16P 08 XX.XX NS

Felt drugged. 15P 10 08.00 NS

Feel I'm doing things mechanically, no involvement, can't get emotionally involved or mentally - have lost the power of thought and memory. 16P 14 XX.XX NS

Feel a bit like one of those heavy-based children's toys which wobble - you can push them down and they'll spring up, wobble, then become still. Feel I've been flung off base and have now stabilised again. Feel solid. 16P 21 XX.XX NS

Had a disagreement with husband. I was about to go off to the open day at the clinic where I'm about to start work - I was going to book my first dates in today - and he said that the very first day I'd intended to work clashes with something he wants to do. I was very upset, stunned, but I said, well, mine takes priority. I've never done that before, that I can remember, put myself first without any feelings of guilt or feelings for the other person. I just didn't care what he thought or was feeling. I rationalized it later that just when I was feeling confident and valued myself and what I was doing, he whips the rug out from underneath me. But the fact is that he is and has been tremendously supportive and actually, this confidence which I feel, and have been feeling for a while (since the proving began?), is empty. It has no solid foundation. It's more a lack - lack of anxiety, lack of fear or anticipation, lack of care. I feel selfish, but don't really feel bad about being selfish. Unfeeling - able to say straight what I feel without considering the other person's feelings at all. 16P 24 XX.XX NS

Unmoved - there was a woman dying of cancer in a TV drama this evening, and I would normally be blubbing, but was completely unmoved by it, no feelings at all. 16P 32 XX.XX NS

I have a mouse in the kitchen since a couple of weeks and funnily enough I saw her for the first time ever in the night after we'd taken the substance. Not very big - big ears though, lovely to look at. I am not afraid of mice. Yesterday when I came home I discovered she'd eaten through a box of food again. - I wanted to wash the dishes and run the tab before I went to bed. somehow I never came round to do it and was about to let the water run out of the sink but did not do it because suddenly I thought: the mouse could drown! A sense of cruel curiousity came over me. I had forgotten about all of this when I came down this morning. I saw the dirty dishes in the cold water, let the old water out and filled the sink with hot water, started to do the washing up and all over sudden my hands grabbed hold of something DEAD and SLIMY! I started to scream. Now I'm sitting here with my cup of tea but my hands still seem to feel the glibbery dead stuff. Yuck! I don't feel sympathetic towards the mouse. 17P 05 XX.XX NS

The weather is going mad. Pounding rain, dark sky, and flashes of lightning. I feel good, full of energy. It's not that I'm ecstatic, I just feel good - it doesn't matter if it rains or shines. Today I feel like everything in my life will work out O. K. -not always sunshine and a lot of pain, which I don't mind so much anymore, because I know it naturally belongs to life – am I turning into an adult by any chance? 17P 05 XX.XX NS

S. and J. were upset with me because they thought I don't care about my mother. I sent the assistant to the bus station to check if she was there or not. They said we can't believe you want to send the assistant when your mum is arriving - you haven't seen her for so many months. I couldn't relate to that comment - once a person said to me "You would sell your grandmother for a good track wouldn't you?" - I think that was a similar thought. I can't deny it, when I do music, all other things diminish in importance, it is mad. 17P 11 XX.XX NS

Within 10 minutes of taking remedy I started to feel quite stoned (but this is a normal reaction for me which I quite often have when I am given a remedy). 18P 01 18.00 OS

During the day I felt a lot less worried about things; I have a lot going on connected to the job that I have taken, in particular having to set up a limited company, take out insurances, find an accountant, deal with agency contracts, etc. I hate things like this, they really stress me out, and I had been feeling really anxious and panicky. Now I'm not worried at all, I just feel "ok, it's not that bad, I can cope with it." All the anxiety has just gone. 18P 02 XX.XX NS

Woke with headache again - took some aspirin, but it returned later in the afternoon (not sure of the time). Still feel quite unworried about things. 18P 08 XX.XX NS

I'm sort of aware that there is an anxiety underneath the calmness that I am feeling, every so often it sort of bubbles up, but then I think "it's ok" and it disappears. Is it prozac? less anxious than usual - stress free - setting up company, becoming VAT registered, went to the bank, laughing hysterics about it all, going through the motions, all twaddle, normally would freak me out - big brother looking at me, some anxiety bubbles out, bank accounts, VAT, and then it just goes away like on beta blockers. 18P 09 XX.XX NS

Headache again on waking - took some aspirin at about midday. When the postlady arrived, I was aware of feeling anxious fleetingly, then it just went (feeling anxious about post is not a new symptom). This reminds me a bit of the effect of beta-blockers, which I was given by my GP about 9 years ago for panic attacks - I used to feel the adrenaline kick in fleetingly then the beta-blockers would take over, and it would go. It's quite a nice feeling, it makes me feel sort of secure, in an odd way. I'm hoping this isn't prozac that we're proving, as I would a) be able to see why it's so difficult to come off and b) be tempted to go on it! 18P 10 XX.XX NS

Menses not painful, like opium this proving, usually painful on first day. 18P 14 XX.XX NS

I cannot remember dreams, but I am aware that I am dreaming a lot. Before I awake, I know that the dreams are to do with things I am worrying about, even though I am not worrying about these issues when I am awake. When I was walking the dog this morning I thought about this, it is as if all my anxiety has gone into my subconscious and my conscious is anxiety free. I have decided that this is quite good. 18P 18 XX.XX NS

Woke again early, unable to go back to sleep until about 5a.m. (then the alarm went off at 5:30 ). Still having "worry" dreams about work, but now I am starting to be aware of the worry while I am awake. Feels a bit odd, during the day I worry about things, then it is as if a switch goes, and I just stop worrying about them. 18P 28 XX.XX NS

Sensitivity

My skin feels very sensitive and I don't want anyone to touch me. 02P 05 XX.XX NS

I feel tetchy, sensitive to anyone prying or being inquisitive about me. 02P 05 XX.XX NS

I feel sensitive and irritable, uncommunicative. 02P 06 XX.XX NS

Found letters from friends written after mum's death - made me weep. I do cry very easily, but it was really nice re-reading them - I don't feel sad, just poignant. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

Difficult morning with mother-in-law. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house. I see our house as a sanctuary, away from problems, but somehow that feeling is invaded by her presence. I find it difficult to relax after her visits, reliving certain things she did or said. She has a very similar effect on me that my own mother had. It's not always been this way. I'm not nearly as easy-going as I used to be. 03P 21 XX.XX OS

Daughter is being fairly trying at the moment - or maybe I'm being less tolerant of her. 03P 23 XX.XX NS

Felt really uncomfortable visiting a customer who wanted quotes. She was really cold, hard and unpleasant and house has bad vibes. She went out the minute I arrived and left me with the maid, and turned up an hour later with hardly an apology. Felt a fish out of water in such a cold, unfriendly atmosphere and felt really sorry for the poor maid. Have been slightly haunted all day by the experience - I don't often come across people like that. Have been picking at snacks all day - comfort eating? 03P 24 XX.XX NS

Feel irritable and dissatisfied, husband and I ratty with each other. A feeling that everything is not quite right - not unusual before a period. Situations and things that have not been a problem before are suddenly immensely irritating. Overall a feeling of uncomfortable dissatisfaction. 03P 28 XX.XX OS

I have been listening to what I've wanted to do today - long time since I've allowed myself to do that. 05P 02 XX.XX NS

I've been affected by significant news this week - would I have reacted differently if I was not doing the proving? 05P 05 XX.XX NS

Another disappointment which reminded me of an episode in early childhood going with my dad to his school's swimming pool and not being allowed in by the caretaker. I trace my, at times overwhelming, sense of disappointment to this. Its made me hate 'jobsworth' people. 05P 06 XX.XX NS

Disappointment at having to change plans. 05P 20 XX.XX NS

Felt desperate that son had disturbed evening, and cross I was disturbed. 05P 21 XX.XX NS

On tenterhooks in case children and I had a confrontation after school. 05P 22 XX.XX NS

Very stressful work with children. Fighting, chaos, aggression and high noise levels from them. Feel very unhappy with this state of affairs. Record incidents on paper for future evidence and personal protection. Felt overwhelmed, all too much to cope with. 10P 19 XX.XX NS

Woke thick headed and feeling emotionally fragile.12P 15 XX.XX NS

Sensitive to the hardness of the chair, almost painful. 13P 01 17.00 NS

All sense heightened. Light too bright. Noises too loud. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Physically tired but mentally restless. 13P 03 23.00 NS

Sudden deja vu about writing things down. 13P 05 XX.XX NS

Phone rings - its been ringing a lot. I think that's Janet, I know its her and it is. I wasn't aware of the time. After speaking to her I feel the coldness and the trembly feeling in my chest coming on. 14P 02 18.00 NS

Feel tenderhearted, soft-hearted, perhaps vulnerable. Wouldn't take much for me to cry - as if my defences are not there, walls are down. Yet wouldn't say I feel emotional. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Husband comes home tells me he's had a text from my father he's coming home earlier than expected. I'm amazed because I dreamt that they were back the night before. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Managed to cook a meal tonight! Husband comes home, I'm on the phone. After I've finished I have the urge to find him and greet him (unusual for me.) It's like my mate is home, so find him and make contact! I haven't been feeling frivolous all day, but it starts up as soon as we start talking to each other. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Start on the wine. As evening progressed lots of talk around sex. I've noticed that I make a lot of references to sex, or there are sexual innuendoes. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Watch 'Predators'. A cheetah stalking and chasing its prey. I'm absolutely fascinated. The speed and agility of this beautiful animal really moves me and I'm quite thrilled by it. 14P 22 XX.XX NS

Moods up and down all day. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Sun shining. Felt great exhilaration then just as quickly felt very low. 15P 07 09.00 NS

Sensitive to noise. 15P 07 XX.XX NS

Get dressed to go out. Clothes aren't too tight. Feel good, womanly, confident. Noticeable that both women and men, on our arrival, almost stopped in their tracks. This has happened so few times in my life. Felt even more womanly. 15P 25 XX.XX NS

Go to town looking for sexy underwear. Feel womanly. Want to flaunt it. 15P 26 XX.XX NS

Feel very affectionate towards husband, want to kiss and hug - the opposite of how I've been feeling recently. 16P 01 XX.XX NS

Went to Buddhist meeting in London for the day. Had great difficulty concentrating on the speaker, on what he was talking about. Having sexual fantasies instead. This is unusual – these meetings are normally very precious to me. 16P 04 XX.XX NS

Mood lifted today - feel lighter, more focused, more 'normal'. Had sex last night, which I think is the reason. 16P 06 XX.XX NS

All evening feeling physically wobbly and nauseous, like I could easily crumble, and emotionally wobbly, like the slightest puff would make me crumble. Emotionally weak, like the outer shell could easily break. but there are no emotions contained within the shell, it's hollow and empty. 16P 14 XX.XX NS

The young assistant of the session has a tattoo on his arm and I feel slightly attracted by that, I find it sexually animating.17P 05 XX.XX NS

I feel easily "touched" and tearful when I think of mellow themes. 17P 05 XX.XX NS

I have to cry a lot now and I feel much better for crying. 17P 06 XX.XX NS

Today I felt almost a sexual, ecstatic feeling in me, I am very sensitive. My breasts are very sensitive. I am a very, very woman. 17P 07 XX.XX NS

I think, whatever the substance, it made me feel very aware of my sexuality today. 17P 08 XX.XX NS

All these sexual thoughts are with me all the time. I also have a lot of daydreams about sex. It is getting a bit mad. A feeling like when you are just completely in love with somebody and you want the person all the time. 17P 12 XX.XX NS

There are faces in the air all around me - I cannot see them, but I feel them - I'd like them to be visible, but they can't be visible right now. 17P 27 XX.XX NS

Woke early for a short time then went back to sleep. Not so anxious today. Feel very irritable though, more so as the day went on. 18P 27 XX.XX NS

Carefree

Really in the mood for Yoga. Able to do the relaxing without mind racing which it often does. Able to be in the now. 03P 16 XX.XX NS

Long to live somewhere close to the coastline, and enjoyed playing with the children at the water's edge. Couldn't help feeling a tinge of sadness that this wouldn't carry on for always. 05P 07 XX.XX NS

Very relaxed, don't feel the need to be doing all the time - enough to just be here by the sea. 05P 08 XX.XX OS

Very relaxed and positive as we went to bed. 05P 16 XX.XX NS

This month of the proving is the first month when I haven't gone into negativity at least once a week. 05P 27 XX.XX NS

Not taking frustration and anger home from work. 10P 07 XX.XX NS

Telling stories and laughing, more talkative and relaxed. "You're such a storyteller." 13P 02 XX.XX NS

Don't want to be quiet, want to talk and talk about nothing in particular, be silly, laugh. 14P 01 17.40 NS

Feel carefree and frivolous - speeding up to drive through water on the roads. After about 15 mins, I find I've caught up with fellow prover. I can't believe it. I'm right behind them and have a great urge to toot and flash them - to make contact. I decide not to because she wouldn't be able to see it was me, her back window is not clear - all misted up. 14P 01 18.00 NS

Ask family what they think of me. Eldest son says - don't care attitude, can't be bothered. No dinner ready for anyone, not listening to people, don't remember things just said. Noticeable that I didn't worry when his bag was lost. We laughed together about it all. Husband said I was frivolous. Daughter said: laid back, casual and she really likes it. I spent the rest of the evening enjoying this frivolousness and really getting into it. Remembered Janet had said have fun. Those were her last words to us. Right I thought, lets have some bloody fun - enough of this fed-up state. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Sitting propped up in bed, sun is shining into the room, eating my breakfast. I feel so comfortable, nice clean sheets, warm. I think I could stay here all day like this . Unusual for me, I'm usually thinking about all I've got to do. 14P 05 08.30 NS

Driving to supervisor, lovely - lots of water on the road to zoom through, love the sight of it showering off car in front's wheels and the wonderful whooshing sound of it from my own wheels. Wish I could go to Alton Towers on the fast rides - exhilarating! Smiling. Get a kick out of stopping at junctions and waiting my turn to pull out on to fast roads. I lean over the wheel feeling like a bull waiting to charge. Then when I zoom out, look in my rear view mirror to see if anyone is zooming up behind me so that I can pull away faster. Lots of palpitations while I'm driving. Makes me feel there's an energy trying to get out and express itself, it doesn't want to be restrained. Beautiful rainbow right over the house. 14P 05 15.00 NS

Arrive at tutor's house, one of the other provers is there, as soon as our eyes meet there is an instant bond and we laugh and giggle. I sense that she is relaxed and laid back. We are on the same wave length throughout the evening. Giggling at sexual innuendoes. I'm enjoying any banter that I can engage in, not everyone can play the game as well as the two of us. Felt challenging towards tutor, mischievous, cheeky (like a teenager). 14P 05 20.00 NS

My daughter rings (she's away at the moment). She says you sound so laid back and casual making jokes all the time. I really like it! It's a shame that I've got to do anything really - I don't want to, I want to just be and enjoy. Don't want to do bloody homeopathy - too restraining, don't want to cook or clean, too boring. Why can't I just do whatever I want to do. Go out with a friend, chat, laugh, drink, eat. 14P 05 XX.XX NS

My father is back in the country after 6 months away. What will he make of my laid back attitude - I think he won't like it, he'll want me to pay him serious attention - sod it - he'll have to want! 14P 05 XX.XX NS

Advert comes on about Thorpe Park. People in a roller coaster climbing, climbing, then zooming down and through water - great, I love it. Gives me real feeling of exhilaration. I think, I'm in, I want some of that. It's called tidal wave. I decide I will go swimming with younger son and his friend and go down the water chutes. I ring the pool to check on times. The chutes aren't open until 1.30. I think to myself, how boring! No chutes or rapids to play on till 1.30 during kids holidays! Have they no imagination. I'm really glad we didn't set off in the morning, I don't think I could have handled the disappointment. Well, I decide to get lots of jobs done in the morning so that I can play this afternoon. 14P 07 09.00 NS

Swimming! Slight stirring of anticipation in my abdomen at thought of chutes. I normally go down one under protest and only once. Decided I was going to indulge myself in speed and water and really let go. Slow shoot first, instead of tensing up as I speed up I go into it, feel the thrill in my gut. Next the fast shoot, actually enjoy the stirring in my stomach of anticipation as I climb steps. Normally can't stand that out of control feeling as I speed down - not so - its great. Leaving the shoot is great, not so enjoyable as I hit the water and am forced under. Would prefer to be propelled gently through the water. Get this feeling more in the rapids. Allow myself to turn and glide through the water. Spinning, being carried along, the freedom. Really enjoy swimming through the water today - the gliding through, no fear of deep end. 14P 07 XX.XX NS

Mother and Father-in-law call round, lunch, laughs, chat, stories. She calls me brave. This stands out for me, as I realize I have been feeling brave, especially in my driving and going in search of places, new routes, etc. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

See rocking chair, drawn straight to it. Sit in it and rock and rock. I love rocking chairs and this is reminding me of being at Janet's when we first took the proving and I sat in her rocking chair and rocked. Nice gentle action. I ask for one for my birthday. Feel like a child, asking for a toy for it's birthday. Husband says, lets see if you still want one when the proving wears off. Sister says, yes, let's see if you seriously want one or are you just 'playing'. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

The freedom to be me. Feels like a release to be doing the proving - an indulgence. 16P 01 XX.XX NS

Somehow it feels like we are in a parallel world and whatever is going on, it is taking over the guys too. - we are having such a laugh - we are full on and it's fun. 17P 00 XX.XX NS

I am on the sofa having a giggle fit, it is silly. I behave like a teenager. 17P 10 01.00 NS

Took my mum to the airport in the morning, beside all my stuff we had a lovely week together (including holding your daughter's head in the right position over the loo, and watch the shivering wrack!) We got on surprisingly well. We didn't argue - I felt more sympathetic towards her than ever - more relaxed, not so tense, - good. Leaves me with a good feeling. 17P 19 XX.XX NS

Notice I'm dropping things at school. Piles of paper, walking into things and kids. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Anxiety

I woke feeling anxious about work. 01P 03 XX.XX NS

I feel as if I am walking into a trap, very scared, about a meeting tomorrow. 01P 04 XX.XX OS

Children going away for 3 days, I'm quite apprehensive. They'll be a long way away - could account for the agitation in my head. 03P 10 XX.XX NS

The clarity of a few days ago has gone now. Very aware of lots of action in my head, thoughts whizzing around, ideas, things I mustn't forget. A great contrast to the last week or so, and probably what I'm more used to. 03P 10 XX.XX NS

Difficult to define the change in my mind, as its so subtle, but the calmness and peacefulness and clarity has changed. I think I just feel more tense, I don't think this is because the children are away. 03P 11 XX.XX NS

I don't think that the clear and calm mind is with me nearly so much as it was a week or so ago. There are a lot of thoughts racing about in my head all the time. 03P 23 XX.XX NS

Feeling worried about myself. I'm sinking in quicksand. I'm afraid to ask for help, because I sound really neurotic. I've done everything I can to pull myself out. It's scary. Maybe what I'm going through has nothing to do with the remedy. 08P 11 XX.XX NS

Afraid of going to sleep, because of possible dreams. 08P 12 03.00 NS

Panicky and excited hearing property hoping to buy is back on market. 09P 05 XX.XX NS

Sensation of being crowded in by path. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Take remedy bottle to bed and place on bed side table, to see what happens. Anxiety through out the night at not waking up at the time set on alarm clock and being late for work. Don't trust alarm to work. 10P 08 XX.XX NS

Anxiety and sadness on waking. Feeling awful, not wanting to get up -- anxious about the day and my life! Extremely tired, only relieved by retiring to bed. 11P 08 06.30 NS

Questions of my future hang heavy, demanding answers. 12P 09 XX.XX NS

Sense of inevitable confrontation, the consequences of which fill me with dread. 12P 10 XX.XX NS

Feel like a driver in a car with no brakes. 12P 11 XX.XX NS

Noises of neighbours startled me. Anxious being alone. Had to get up go downstairs and check everything was OK. 13P 03 23.00 NS

Still feeling worried about this new patient and my inadequacies. Suddenly say - oh fuck it, why should I worry. Just work on it and do your best. With that, the fed-upness suddenly lifts. 14P 04 15.00 NS

Feelings of suspicion about my new patient. Start to think, they are out to catch me out, they don't want homeopathy at all. Imagine that its the patient's father who is tricking me. He's going to tell the newspapers all about how homeopathy doesn't work and I will be responsible for giving it such bad publicity. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Chest anxiety central extending down to epigastrium. Eat food but gives no relief. 15P 05 10.30 NS

H. says I'm quiet, preoccupied and appear anxious. 15P 16 XX.XX NS

Low. Irritable. Disappeared into bath away from family. Feel I can't do my work. Pressurised. Feel I've got to get it right remedy for my patients. 15P 16 XX.XX NS

Woke feeling threatened. 15P 20 XX.XX NS

Felt like I needed something to nibble on.went downstairs and while I was getting something out of the fridge it was as if it got darker-as if somebody turned the lights lower. I was scared. Don't like being alone in the dark -went upstairs and locked all the doors. 17P 01 22.00 NS

Switched the light off-switched it on again, searched through my bed in case something would creep round my feet. 17P 01 22.00 NS

I have a restless energy inside me, I 'cramp' inside because I'm worried if my material is worth all this effort. I go round telling everybody 'It's just for fun!' but really, to record something 'properly' after having had such a long break gives me a fright. 17P 03 XX.XX NS

We had to go to the shops and all of a sudden I feel very breathless, short breathed. I had to leave the shop early and sit in the car. I can't take the hectic and the numb energy of all these people. 17P 08 XX.XX NS

When I woke up I thought I heard these footsteps and it felt like there was somebody in the room. I would like to sleep more, but I can't, restless inside. 17P 08 XX.XX NS

I'm still worried if I can trust my feelings - one moment I feel this and the other I feel that. 17P 24 XX.XX NS

I think the substance was put together in a vessel before potentization and succussion. It has been put artificially together - I'm sure and that's even more important, it's fairly dangerous to the victims - it is not natural. 17P 27 XX.XX NS

Woke feeling really anxious about work, continued on the way in to work this morning, felt really panicky. Feeling full of self-doubt, no confidence, a fraud. Went off as the day went on. 18P 20 XX.XX NS

Felt very anxious going to work this morning. Similar feeling to last Tuesday. Lasted through to about mid-morning. 18P 26 XX.XX NS

Isolation

I feel irritable and withdrawn. I don't want to participate or engage. 02P 05 XX.XX NS

In the evening I wanted to be left alone. 02P 06 XX.XX NS

Grumpy and feeling like being left alone. 02P 07 XX.XX NS

Want to be on my own. 02P 12 XX.XX NS

Want to reject the people around me and go away and be alone. 02P 14 XX.XX NS

A bit grumpy with the children - need peace and quiet, looking forward to Yoga. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Missing the children. It feels strange knowing they are so far away. I have been looking forward to them going, but the house feels so empty without them. 03P 12 XX.XX NS

Averse coition - wanted to be left alone. 03P 24 XX.XX OS

Shocked and full of regret at news that wife may be pregnant. Had flirted with the idea of a bigger family, but the harsh reality made me see how much the children need me and all I could see was my son's little face when I had less time for playing with him. My wife found my lack of reassurance and support very difficult to understand. I had a sudden panic and realized it was the kind of thing that the ex-girlfriend I've been thinking about would have said. It's a difficult one trying to see both sides of the situation and see the blessing of another baby. I don't know where or when I can express my negative feelings and so felt very isolated. 05P 04 XX.XX NS

At party made an effort to connect with people, but found no-one anything like me. 05P 18 XX.XX NS

Energy very low throughout the day. Emotionally very low too. Slept for a couple of hours this morning but woke up still low. Went for a long walk, but still felt low. I can't understand why I've dipped again. I feel depressed which is unusual for me. Feel sad and bereft. Starting to feel agitated again and abandoned. 08P 08 XX.XX NS

I really want to shake myself out of this emotional low. I feel quite out of my depth with it, but whatever I do it just sits like a black mist. I'm not used to feeling like this. I'm very tearful. 08P 10 XX.XX NS

Very low. I feel like there's nothing to hang on to. 08P 11 XX.XX NS

I feel very lonely and don't want to really admit it because I'm afraid to go down again. Everything I've been through in my life that's been of great significance I've experienced alone. I think my aloneness has been a set up to go deeper into myself. But it's painful . I'm very tearful. However I don't feel abandoned -- that feeling has been transmuted. I feel I've left the turbulence of the ocean, and ended up on the shore, but I'm feeling fagged out. 08P 14 XX.XX NS

Went into a flat feeling, which turned to deep sorrow. Went to bed crying and crying so many tears. I was awake for the rest of the night. Around dawn I got to sleep. 08P 17 XX.XX NS

I woke up feeling completely broken. Exhausted. Not bereft and abandoned though. 08P 18 XX.XX NS

I am in spiritual emergency. Feeling abandoned, alone, shut off from any help. 08P 19 XX.XX NS

Blank mind on waking, no idea of what there is to do today. Woke up disorientated. 13P 02 08.00 NS

Home for lunch. Children are all home, want to keep them at arms length, don't want to engage emotionally, feel crowded by them and their needs, want them to get on with things themselves and not bother me. I don't feel I have the energy to engage emotionally. Oldest son catches hold of my hand and asks, "are you alright?" I'm surprised at this physical action. Look at him, say I'm alright and remind him I'm doing a proving. He instantly understands. 14P 02 12.30 NS

Sitting on coach to go home. Think I recognize the coach driver. Keep thinking I see familiar faces. Lovely looking girl sits next to me on the coach. I look at her to acknowledge her presence, but she doesn't even glance my way, its just as if I don't exist. Oh well, I think, fair enough and continue to read my book. At Heathrow she changes seats with someone to allow a mother and child to be near each other. She is sitting next to an older man and within a couple of minutes she is chatting away to him. They don't stop - and yet not a word had passed between us. I find myself wondering about it for the whole journey. Had it been my aura, was it because this was a man that she was chatty. I find I keep listening to the conversation of these two and two women behind me. I'm aware of the inaneness of it. The pointless wittering, superficial and lacking in sincerity. (Not like me to think like this - can usually do plenty of it myself!) I think how people are not finding it easy to relate to me in that superficial way at the moment, most noticeable, sort of miss the contact but not sure of how that normally happens. Can hear people keep saying sorry, I think don't keep saying sorry - you've said it once. Thinking about alcohol - when I get home I want to have a few drinks - get pissed. 14P 03 18.00 NS

Don't feel bright or breezy this morn. Feel pissed off at boring duties I have to do. Feel I'm having to override the remedy just to get stuff done. Can't let all my responsibilities go just like that. Those feelings make my palpitations stronger and continuous, I'm not centred, I'm torn. Want to cry about it with pure frustration. I want to be free. I wish I could fly and just zip about the sky, swooping over fields, trees, seeing everything from up high and at speed. Alone, carefree. Writing this makes me cry a little. I realize I feel trapped and restrained. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Have noticed today, that its been difficult to listen to people, I start to feel bored and switch off. Several times today I've had to ask people to repeat the last sentence. Its as if I lose the thread of the conversation. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Eldest son comes in and cuddles up to me and asks for a hug, he is cold. I ask what's wrong - this is so out of character. He says, nothing, I just wanted a cuddle with my mum - I'm truly amazed, he's not been as physical as this for years. I discuss with husband that this is interesting as I'm getting feelings of pulling away from my role as mother and provider of meals and nurturing. Even feeling as if I'm pushing them towards independence, like I'm nudging them out of the nest! 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Stop for petrol, notice a bag lady walking across garage forecourt, notice everyone watching her as if she is some kind of freak. I think she's harmless enough, live and let live. When I go in to pay everyone is acting suspicious of her. One of the attendants goes out to move her on. What's she doing? asks the cashier, only going through the bins I say. I feel totally accepting of the situation and notice the disgust of everyone else and wonder why they feel they should move her on, exerting power over her. What's the harm? I notice that there is no anger towards them in me - strange. As I leave garage I see a crowd of attendants has gathered to watch her from the safety of their glass box, absolute fascination on their faces, as if they are watching an animal in the zoo. 14P 07 XX.XX NS

We've all had breakfast, I remember that oldest son is still in bed (just off the kitchen) and must have smelt the bacon and heard us all. I go in and see him, he sleeps up in a high bunk space. He blows me a kiss (very odd, I'm not used to these shows of affection). I said, do you want a drink or anything to eat. He said, I'd love a cup of tea, I could hear you all in there and I kept thinking, mum will bring me in a tea in a minute. I laughed - it's so true, normally I would have - since the proving something has changed. I'm not sure what it's about. I want the kids to be more independent. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Brother talks to us about the abandonment of my mother and father when the marriage broke up (he was 16) and how painful that was. Talks about his coping mechanisms and his inability to forgive it all. Find it all very disturbing, but also revealing. Don't want to go down this broken marriage road, done it so many times, but do think about his predicament of having felt deserted and unable to understand how parents could do that to their children. No wonder I have issues on mothers leaving their children - or children losing their mothers - its the pain of my younger brother and sister that I've been relating to. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Want to be on my own, go to my room, write diary. Not feeling very sociable, or lively, 11 for dinner tonight! Husband is preparing meal, bless him. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Brother-in-law on two occasions walks on to other peoples property. I find this very difficult and say to others this is private - no, they say, it doesn't say it is. I'm not happy because I sense that it is obvious that it is other people's and that we shouldn't be there. I say people have a right to their privacy and you should respect that. I'm amazed that no one else seems to be of the same mind and have no qualms about strolling into other people's territory. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

All through the weekend I've popped off to be on my own and just stare, if only for 10 minutes. 14P 12 XX.XX NS

Try to ring supervisor to sort my head out - no luck, she's out. Can't be bothered to fill in diary. Decide I must speak to someone who will understand what's going on. Feel I've gone on long enough, beginning to feel I need to bond with someone who will know what I'm on about. Feeling let down by supervisor. I need to talk to her. Feel selfish but can't help it. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

Don't want to be alone, want company. 14P 17 XX.XX NS

Pissed off. Everyone given supervisors who they knew. I was given a name. Felt nobody cared. Alone. Left to fend for myself. JS had told me before that she'd be my supervisor. Felt let down and insignificant. 15P 01 XX.XX NS

Feeling low. Tightness of throat. Read the Bible. Thoughts of abandonment, betrayal, loss, guilt. 15P 05 09.00 NS

Feeling low. Absorbed in my thoughts. 15P 05 10.30 NS

Reported to supervisor. She questioned me about past issues. I was too open. Felt regret after. Felt low. Wanted to be cuddled. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

In morning needed lots of cuddles. Wanted him inside me just for the sensation of closeness. Didn't want him to go. 15P 07 XX.XX NS

Woken by H. accidentally hurting me. I moved over to my side of the bed. Felt terribly alone. Felt deserted by H. and by my supervisor. Ridiculous. Weepy. Intense need to be near H. Tearful after sex. 15P 08 02.00 NS

Don't want to talk to people particularly. It's an effort (one that I don't want to make) to keep up my end politely in conversation. Hate people asking me questions because it obliges me to make the effort to answer - both the mental effort, where it's difficult to formulate thoughts, and the emotional effort, because I don't care about answering and have no emotional involvement in whatever subject they've asked about, even if it's about me. 16P 14 XX.XX NS

I really feel I want to go out and be in the company of a female friend, want to be understood, want jokes and comfort,– the men in my life don't seem to give that to me. 17P 02 XX.XX NS

Called supervisor again. She said she'd call me later. Feel like I'm being put onto the waiting list. 17P 03 XX.XX NS

I wished I could explain how I feel right now - I am in a spaceship, cruising gently between the stars, sometimes I wished I could anchor somewhere. 17P 05 XX.XX NS

I just stay on my own and slowly wilt because nobody caresses me. What am I doing? Is it true that I push all the people that really love me away from me? 17P 10 XX.XX NS

I feel big and heavy, unattractive and empty. I just don't want all these images in my head. There is too much going on in my head all the time. I feel lonely and in one of my daydreams, I said to a person, "I feel lost as if somebody lost me on a forsaken planet, and I'm hitchhiking forever in vain - I am fed up". 17P 13 XX.XX NS

I just went to my supervisor, told her that I feel so lost, lonely and sad, it is hard to describe. Somehow I feel I am two people, and my double is standing just a little beside me, watching. But there is this part in me who is still waiting to be picked up, who is still so lost and just dumped somewhere. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I invited lots of my friends out for a drink - really I want to be on my own - why did I invite them all? I feel I have to care about my friendships more. Can I really trust myself? 17P 15 XX.XX NS

Shame

Feelings of guilt and restlessness. 02P 07 XX.XX NS

I am still feeling irritable and in a desultory mood that doesn't want to shift. All sorts of images are triggered in my mind of unattained ambitions, ways I've let my parents down, and of shameful episodes in the past. 02P 07 XX.XX NS

I have had feelings of guilt wanting to do more with my son. 02P 08 XX.XX NS

Surprisingly anxious and guilty taking kitten to vet to be castrated. 03P 08 XX.XX NS

Kept thinking about ex-girlfriend prostituting herself (news just heard). Why was she doing it? Did she have to? Did she enjoy it? I'm shocked and feel it like a punishment that I know what she's doing - as though I can't leave my past behind. I wonder if it's a reaction to her not being able to find the kind of love she wants. She had high expectations of what love should be. I suspect she has found a way of justifying it to herself. 05P 01 XX.XX NS

State now in is to do with humiliation, back at the bottom. Having to start again. Having to get homoeopathy going. Want to be professional again. Shame goes back to parents, working class back ground, back to origins. Aggravated by visit from brother's girl friend who looked down on my house. This is a recent state which has got worse over the last few weeks. Unhappy in the last two weeks, present position in the world. Always a high achiever, fear of survival as a result of falling. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Fear of forgetting something important. Shame of it.10P 03 XX.XX NS

Worry about falling asleep and forgetting something important. Shame of it. 10P 04 XX.XX NS

Sit in disbelief as I am the subject of yet another verbal warning by reluctant or incompetent new chair of committee. Anger, worried and shocked. 10P 19 XX.XX NS

At a social event feel obsessed with my situation. Only socialise to publicise myself as a homoeopath. Felt very lonely at the event although had gone with girl friend. Felt cold. State of impoverishment, how will I survive as a homoeopath now reputation has been threatened.
10P 20 XX.XX NS

Suspended from work. Disbelief, burst into tears (new sx never do that), outrage, indignation. Must have justice, revenge. Someone will pay for this insult. Wounded honour. Delusion that I am a criminal, girl friend will not let me near her children, perfect reputation has been destroyed. Patients will leave me. (This aggravates the state of patient poverty). It is the end for me. 10P 22 XX.XX NS

Had lost sight of the fact that I had not done any thing, All I saw was the criminality of it. 10P 23 XX.XX NS

Feel very loved and supported by girl friend and her children. 10P 23 XX.XX NS

Reflection. The sinking feeling I felt at the car boot sale kept coming and going over the next couple of weeks. I would go up and down. Feeling really low, resentful and inadequate at my low spots. When I came out of those spots it wasn't loads better. Didn't feel very good, started to question my direction and what I wanted in life. 14P 00 XX.XX NS

Husband rings to say he's picked up daughter. I'm instantly irritated because I jump to the conclusion that he was late to pick her up and also because I thought it was my proving supervisor. Daughter says get the dinner on, no I say, feeling slightly irritated, I'll wait till you're home. I'm not at all amused at being treated like its my sole responsibility to get the meal. Feel slightly taken for granted. I feel concerned, is proving wearing off. I don't want it to. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Keep thinking about this homeopathy. Does it really work? Who am I trying to kid? I can't do this, all this training and money! - what for? 14P 12 XX.XX NS

Can't remember other dreams. Start to imagine I've got worms, parasites, in me, think, is it that raw liver I ate. Feel I've infected myself - done myself damage by eating raw liver, why did I do it? It was stupid, I should have cooked it more. 14P 16 XX.XX NS

Swimming with friend at Country club. Mixing with rich bods, felt bit resentful, bit dry. 14P 18 XX.XX NS

Today I felt the absolute end to the proving came. I was as if I was suddenly parted from it. Like a gentle pop! and the bubble had burst. It was triggered by the sudden realization that I was selling some books at the car boot sale that I shouldn't be. They belonged to my Dad, and I was supposed to be keeping them to one side. I then spoke to deputy head of school about something and she said, who told you that? I felt the same sinking. Oh no! I'd let down the person who told me. Now I'm holding on to stuff, mulling it all over - full of regrets and recriminations. We get home and eldest son shows disappointment over something we've sold. That's it! I'm really dwelling now. I can't forget it. Asking myself, why did I sell it? Why did I not realize about my Dad's books? I'm also aware this is also a bit over the top for even me. 14P 24 XX.XX NS

Don't want to communicate except to talk about what's bothering me. Tell husband that I now feel at a disadvantage to my Dad. He has something on me - I've sold his books, he'll go mad. I've never seen it quite like this before, never seen it as being at a disadvantage.
14P 25 XX.XX NS

This is significant I think: Had been on a cruise - Petra, Valley of the Kings, Tutankamen, Pyramids, Bethlehem, Nazareth, Jerusalem. 4 days before taking remedy: In Israel. Searched by police. Felt angry, indignant, tearful - they didn't take care of my possessions. Was short with them. Bristly. Irritated at their lack of respect and that they didn't trust me. For several hours after felt very agitated. Couldn't relax. Very sensitive to noise. Felt assaulted by loud tour guide who wouldn't stop talking. So bad that had to swap coaches at the next stop. Was not prepared to have any hassle. Wanted silence and peace. Terrifically moving day. Crossed Sea of Galilee. Was in tears. Had to hide behind H. so nobody would see. Felt very spiritual. 15P 00 XX.XX NS

A lot of thoughts centred around an Anacardium case and cruelty. There's cruelty in me. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Discovered proving procedures in bag. Pissed off because hadn't been explained properly to me. Tearful that hadn't done it right. Feeling low. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Low. Sighing. Lack of confidence in my work. 15P 15 XX.XX NS

Dream: sexual disappointment. Hurts my pride to tell my supervisor. 15P 24 XX.XX NS

Heard friend hadn't invited me to lunch. Felt intense humiliation though knew there would have been a good reason. Covered it up as usual. Sparks off thoughts of expectations of how you are treated by others. Have always been overweight - you're not normal and grow not to expect the same standard of treatment as normal people. Like you're not worthy - don't deserve as much consideration as others. Feel demanding if you expect people to consider your feelings. Don't people realize they hurt people? This goes very deep - has moulded my life. Have never spoken about this. 15P 25 XX.XX NS

Told what the remedy was. Angry that some people knew what it was. Felt disadvantaged. Felt they all knew and were laughing behind my back. Hated the secrecy. Feel this second proving has been like we're second class. We haven't been treated like the others. Resentful. Feel used. 15P 35 XX.XX NS

Went home and had my birthday party with about 15 friends. I dressed up and was this big smiley something - chatting - interested - showered with lovely presents - happy to be in the company of these people - but with this pain somewhere in my heart, and although I drank so much in the last couple of weeks since I've been on this substance I completely lost it and went way over my limits. A kind friend took me home after I staggered round the common for an hour and I collapsed, simply collapsed and 17P 17 XX.XX NS

I still think somebody pulled my brain around and this "something" is laughing and vicious. Manipulated! This is the word that pops up. As if something was having a couple of weeks entertainment. 17P 27 XX.XX NS

Apathy

These feelings remind me of unhappy schooldays when I would only perform on any level if pushed into it. The only difference is now I can watch myself being fretful. 02P 06 XX.XX NS

Accepting of holiday finishing - would normally have hung on to last few minutes, tried to do something else. 05P 12 XX.XX NS

I feel disinterested and lethargic towards deciding what to do. If I have procrastinated before I have been worse over the last few weeks. It has been easier to put things off. 06P 00 XX.XX NS

I don't really want to write this. 06P 01 XX.XX NS

Not as interested, no enthusiasm. Disinterested in helping to prepare food. 06P 02 XX.XX NS

Slightly disconnected. Unable to focus. Sound very vague and speech is very slow. 09P 01 XX.XX NS

Normally very conscientious at work, today too tired. Less bothered about working so hard. Played football and let children win. 10P 01 15.00 NS

Mind very slow in giving account, long pauses. 10P 01 17.00 NS

Slow. Very slow in delivering account, long pauses.10P 01 XX.XX NS

Apathy. Nothing happening (no symptoms), don't know what to do. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Not as hard working as usual. 10P 02 XX.XX NS

Unable to go to work due to all round debilitation. 12P 15 XX.XX NS

Mentally resigned to what will be. 12P 16 XX.XX NS

Generally soporific and reluctant to move. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Detached, unreal feeling, disinclined to do anything. 13P 01 20.00 NS

Feel extra busy. Lots of people asking favours. At everyones's beck and call. Cross. Irritable. Weary and apathetic. 13P 05 XX.XX NS

Disinterested in everything. 13P 07 XX.XX NS

Feeling so heavy and grounded. Can't be bothered to think or make conversation. Friend rings, can't make conversation with her, can't respond with any feeling to her about her operation she's due to have or any of her other problems. Body feels so tired. 14P 01 20.00 NS

Feeling very fed up and inadequate. Could cry but don't know what about. Have to go shopping to Tesco - so boring. I drag myself about, total lack of any enthusiasm. So pissed off and joyless. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Everywhere in kitchen is such a mess, untidy, papers lying about, stuff abandoned half done. Can't seem to sort it out. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

I don't want to be bothered with kids problems. Want them to get on with it themselves. (Especially eldest son, who left his years work from uni on the train). Don't feel I'm in my mothering role, not clucking around like I usually would be. Don't want to be doing housework or shopping or homeopathy - all too restrictive and boring. 14P 05 XX.XX NS

I'm having to force myself to look at a case ready to see supervisor later. I don't want to, I want to go out, get out and do something, enjoy myself, have fun. 14P 05 XX.XX NS

Go out, have to get out of house, drop eldest son in town, can't wait to get out and be free of everyone else's dynamics. Doing the shopping is hard work, no enthusiasm for it, low energy, just going through the motions. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Son drops egg on the floor - I don't get cross or irritated. I scoop it up and plop it in with the rest, no qualms about germs. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Can feel myself lowering. As if I've been a balloon flying high, buffeted along on a gentle breeze, dancing in the wind. Now, the wind has dropped and I'm starting to deflate, fighting to stay in the air but slowly, slowly sinking (felt in my abdomen). I think to myself, well, at least I know I have the capability to feel so light and free, don't think I will ever lose that, it's something within me and the remedy helped to release it. All good things must come to an end eventually. I feel quite hot all the time. It made me feel sad earlier because it felt like the remedy energy was dying within me, slowing down and there was nothing I could do about it. It's interesting that the remedy started off with the coldness and frivolousness and finished with a day or two of physicals grounding me, lowering my spirits and heat. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Feels so heavy and tired. Need space and time on my own. Fall asleep for 15 minutes. Feel flat, don't want to get meal. Struggle to get simple meal, no one helps with prep. Kids do bit of washing up. Still loads to do. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

Can't be bothered today. Dragging myself about. Sighing a lot. Take son to cranial osteopath, can't be bothered to go round shops so come home. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

I try to write an article. Can not get my brain to work for me. Just can't use any imagination - can't get inspired - really hard work. Find all I can do is write one sentence, then another, then jump about, then repeat myself - hopeless, no creativity. 14P 14 XX.XX NS

Notice I keep mixing up names, especially eldest son! He remarks, you can't even remember my name now. Call him all the other male names I know - so strange, like I can't concentrate or something. 14P 14 XX.XX NS

I've noticed if anyone is searching for a word or assistance with their thought process, my brain can't help them out, it's not capable of searching for anything. Like it has no pathways to go off down - no recall or search mode. No desire to do it either, like a laziness. 14P 18 XX.XX NS

Felt relaxed. Couldn't be bothered to collect work diary. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Would be happy to sleep. It's like the world has caught up with the apathy I have been feeling for the past week - now we don't have to do anything, none of us. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Felt heavy, solid, as stone. Impression of sand. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Still feeling general apathy and not quite with it. 16P 02 XX.XX NS

Memory - been poor recently at times, but worse the last 2 days - for what I've told people, what people have said to me, names, events, what I've read. Either forgotten completely that things have ever happened, or know it's stored somewhere and just can't access it. Eg - was talking with my brother about films we'd each seen recently, and I was about to recommend one to him when I realized I could remember nothing of the plot or characters. Slight anxiety that I couldn't remember, but also a feeling that I just couldn't be bothered to try and remember. 16P 03 XX.XX NS

Can't be bothered to apply my mind the past few days. Difficult to concentrate. Didn't want to be bothered to remember dreams this morning - had to force myself to try and recall them. Look at words - eg. newspaper, or instructions, and take nothing in. 16P 05 XX.XX NS

Feel washed out, tired, don't want to do anything, be with anyone. Feel a joyless indifference. Emotionally hollow and empty. Yet my stomach still feels full - little appetite. 6P 12 XX.XX NS

Husband fed-up that I'm taking no interest in the building work we're having done and that I'm leaving it to him to sort out the problems which are arising. I don't have any interest in it and I don't mind saying so - both these things are unusual for me. 16P 13 XX.XX NS

People are commenting on how low-key I am. Still feel generally indifferent. Met up with a friend today, at whose clinic I am going to be working, to arrange the details. Felt no emotion about it whatsoever, which surprised me. 16P 14 XX.XX NS

Had cycling proficiency tutor's meeting this evening, which I'd organised last week. One person didn't turn up, and it transpired that I'd forgotten to let him know. It's so unlike me not to be methodical and thorough. Also, I would usually have been mortified at this inefficiency on my part, but found I wasn't too bothered. 16P 15 XX.XX NS

Realized I haven't had even the mildest curiosity about what I've been proving until today. 16P 20 XX.XX NS

Find myself not being able to finish sentences, the thoughts just vanish. 16P 32 XX.XX NS

Went straight into Sainsbury's to get the Easter shopping. Felt like a zombie in there. I was so tired, I thought I would fall over. I did everything in slow motion. That is how it felt to me, at least. It took me ages to find things, and I kept forever staring onto stuff, and then like a space man, choosing it and putting it into the trolley. 17P 11 08.00 NS

I feel indifferent and can't even bother to write into this book. It's too hard work. 17P 22 XX.XX NS

I can't sit down an do my homework, I had all week to do some work and I didn't. I can't. I sit down and I can't concentrate. I don't want to concentrate and by now I'm really worried if I can make it through this course. 17P 24 XX.XX NS

Felt really irritable; this lasted all night. I did not want to talk to anyone, and it was an effort to ring my supervisor, as I really could not be bothered to talk. 18P 05 18.00 NS

Confusion

I had to ask my supervisor, when I said I'd have to go home. I can't quite relate to the time I can see on my watch. 17P 01 17.30 NS

I recognised that all through the day I searched for things - cannot find them- when I stopped searching for them, they were right in the middle of the table or room. As if someone made a joke with me. 17P 02 XX.XX NS

Time, there seems to be something strange with it today. The day seemed like a year. 17P 02 XX.XX NS

My handwriting seems very messy. 17P 03 XX.XX NS

All along I felt a sort of "untrustworthiness". As if I didn't trust myself what I felt because I knew, it would change so quickly. I think what ever it was that I stepped into, I'm stepping out of it slowly. I think, I was in ecstasy land, big head stuff land, spooky land. By the way spooky land - I always feel that there is an otherworld close to us/me - let me call it spiritual world and sometimes especially in the darkness, that naturally connects us to the latter, it feels as if the air was thicker, the molecules more dense and there was another air behind our air and I could just go through it and shake hands. But It could come through and shake my hand! - What if I didn't want to? Spooky - not always terrifying. 17P 25 XX.XX NS

Industry

I became obsessive about cleaning and tidying up. 01P 02 XX.XX NS

I felt like finishing things, finished all the bookwork at work and stripped off all the wallpaper in the lobby and finished knitting a jumper for my goddaughter. 01P 03 XX.XX NS

I feel very motivated to do things, stripping off more wallpaper, putting down woodchip in the garden. 01P 04 XX.XX NS

I felt keen to get to work, to get on with something. 02P 04 XX.XX NS

I urgently want to get on, create, but don't know how to set about it. I remember this mood from teenage years. 02P 07 XX.XX NS

I woke again at 3.00 a.m. thinking of things left undone. 02P 09 03.00 NS

I woke at 3.00 a.m. and lay there for a couple of hours thinking of things left undone. 02P 09 03.00 NS

Feeling moody and gloomy, better from violent exercise. 02P 12 XX.XX NS

Feel clear-headed and upbeat. 03P 01 XX.XX NS

Decided to clean and polish the house to put things in order and calm the mind. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

My anger hasn't lingered. I feel quite strong as well - not broken by the whole thing. Have got things in proportion again. 03P 05 XX.XX NS

Aware of clarity of thought and calm mind. Feel very clear, noticeably clear, definitely not confused. Complete clarity of thought and mind. 03P 05 XX.XX NS

Feel organized and ordered, house tidy and clean. 03P 06 XX.XX NS

Feel good that I've achieved all the work I had set myself. 03P 13 XX.XX NS

Have the week planned out on the calendar, which is what I like to do on Sunday - need to be organized. 03P 14 XX.XX NS

Organized for today - I'm a compulsive list maker and finished everything and ticked it off. Being in control of events and on top of everything is very important to me. Also knowing that the house is tidy makes me feel good in myself - I hate untidiness and mess. Sometimes I find if I've been gearing up for something and spending ages preparing, cooking etc. that a few days later I get an attack of IBS. It will be interesting to see what happens this time. Reading back what I've written today, I sound like a really tense and hung-up person which is weird because I've always imagined I was laid-back and relaxed. 03P 19 XX.XX OS

Woke up unwell knowing that I shouldn't go to work. It was really easy to make the decision - usually I chastise myself and take half an hour to decide. Felt clearminded for me. 05P 02 XX.XX NS

Felt very focused on what to do at work, clear-minded and working efficiently. Knew what I needed to do, prioritized well, felt determined, coordinated other staff - all without feeling overwhelmed, and had a real laugh too. 05P 04 XX.XX NS

Realized that clearmindedness was a clearly observable change for me this week - almost certainly attributable to the remedy. I'm not fiddling and faddling around. My organization and prioritization are very clear. I usually procrastinate, don't try things for fear of not being able to. My usual way of being is in second gear or overdrive. 05P 05 XX.XX NS

Making clear confident decisions. 05P 14 XX.XX NS

Felt assertive, clear-minded at work. Full of enthusiasm for work. 05P 15 XX.XX NS

Unusually used time well in the evening. 05P 21 XX.XX NS

Took bull by horns again and spoke to someone about an offer I'd made weeks ago. It had become a great pressure in my mind, so was elated at her approval and at having been pro-active. 05P 23 XX.XX NS

Focused on job today and even set realistic deadline. Really pleased with what I achieved and came home satisfied for a change. 05P 24 XX.XX NS

More efficient clear-mindedness today, remembering things that needed doing. Usually I'm switched off, foggy, forgetful. 05P 25 XX.XX NS

My conscious self is much more so since the proving began, but mentally and spiritually much more present and centred. My ability to focus and not "drift" was also different. 07P 00 XX.XX NS

More focused and able to concentrate. I managed two and half hours of quietly focused desk-work - rare for me! 07P 03 XX.XX NS

Overall more centred, thoughtful and more self-assured. Thinking more seriously about my work and how best to structure it. 07P 07 XX.XX NS

Grounded, putting more thought into things. 07P 07 XX.XX NS

In the last week have been more motivated to do things. I was not keeping up with my paper work, doing my college assignments or putting things onto the computer. Last week eventually got CD Rom finished. The vagueness has gone now, I feel more direct. It was like writers block. Now getting in there and doing it. I was unable to cope with any of it. I need to be in control, the centre of attention. Don't want to be left out of any thing. 09P 31 XX.XX NS

Feel positive. Go out marketing my self in afternoon. 10P 04 XX.XX NS

Thinking of money all the time. Money, money, money, I want it. Patients = money. Feel guilt about this I am a materialistic money person now. 10P 04 XX.XX NS

Feel I have to take responsibility at work. Communicate all the rules effectively to 20 4 to 11 year olds for 10 minutes. Had sense of power and effectiveness in voice. 10P 07 XX.XX NS

Stand up better for self at work. 10P 07 XX.XX NS

Quickly got onto constructive work, constructive revenge. 10P 23 XX.XX NS

Prepare for future without a job. Market self as a homoeopath thoroughly. Want to be an advocate of homoeopathy and have a glittering career. 10P 24 XX.XX NS

Felt my life is in order and under control. 11P 03 XX.XX NS

Realization that although its subtler, I have been achieving more at home. Not procrastinating, and have felt more positive, re home improvements. Generally not putting things off -- more focused. Still asserting myself with friends -- seems very important to state my case! Although not wonderful, feel more focused. I have realised that I have been bombarded with friends and family problems over the last few weeks. Really heavy stuff. Something almost every day. But even though I listen, I am totally detached from it all -- no real empathy. I listen and give support, but am detached -- not feeling at all. 11P 11 XX.XX NS

Mental will power will see me through today. 12P 12 XX.XX NS

Mentally resolute. 12P 13 XX.XX NS

Mentally resolute today. 12P 21 XX.XX NS

Descended on by lots of people, busy all day. 13P 03 XX.XX NS

Preoccupied and busy all day. Not time to notice anything. Busier than usual, socializing, everyone decided to come and visit. 13P 04 XX.XX NS

In the afternoon made a conscious effort to avoid conflict. Made house more comfortable. Cleaned, changed things around. 13P 07 XX.XX NS

Felt better after manic cleaning. 13P 10 XX.XX NS

I'm clumsy getting the meal, can't seem to organize myself. The table is in a mess, all my papers everywhere. Nothing finished. Mess mess mess. 14P 02 18.00 NS

I'm noticing mess everywhere at school. I moan about it all the time. Feel sad that everywhere looks unloved and uncared for and messy. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Very organized getting tea tonight. 14P 07 XX.XX NS

I'm noticing fast cars, sporty or expensive cars. Easily impressed by them. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Do bit of cleaning. Never known so much hair everywhere in bathroom, clear it up, more appears. 14P 13 XX.XX NS

Talked through my concerns with husband. We've both noticed how the situation has changed. He's normally the one getting narked by eldest son. Sense of us both pulling together as a team. Not the usual thing of me acting as mediator. Husband and I have become more of a team since proving - used to be us and him! 14P 20 XX.XX NS

All symptoms better for occupation. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Feel the organization has been half hearted. Irritated by the inefficiency. Aware I'm being critical and that I can't cover it up if I'm to say true feelings. Concerned JS will feel criticized. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Since last Thursday (Day 15) have been very busy - making preparations for starting work in clinic, seeing patients, organizing cycling proficiency course - as well as usual commitments. It's like I haven't got the time and energy to indulge in the proving anymore, and have to get on with life. I'd also got really fed up with the effects of it. 16P 20 XX.XX NS

Feel content and ordered my desk. 17P 01 21.30 NS

I'm running around emptying all the ashtrays and cleaning up.The assistant looks at me, he can't believe it: That's his job! 17P 04 XX.XX NS

S. just said to me : "You were f....... barmy all day" He said that I want to tell everybody what's right and wrong. He said I've been more neurotic. He said: "You talk faster and run out at the middle of the idea, not particularly a negative thing, more of an amplified state, full on! 17P 04 XX.XX NS

S. and J. found me bossy again, and they made the point clear. 17P 08 XX.XX NS

Lots of energy, been busy around house, get it tidied up. 18P 03 XX.XX NS

Went to bank to open company account - felt very assertive and in control of the matter - went back to my own bank and told them I needed an overdraft on current account. I felt very cross during the afternoon at the way bank managers are so money-focused. 18P 17 XX.XX NS

Self Hatred

I woke at 4.00a.m. worried that I had contributed too much to the meeting, that they would think I was too bossy. I kept asking myself why I had said certain things. 01P 08 XX.XX OS

Unusually frustrated, angry and unforgiving with myself when things go wrong. 02P 23 XX.XX NS

I am doubting everything about myself. My very sanity. This proving, even if the proving is a good thing to do, I feel I've been poisoned. How could I have thought I could be a healer when I'm in such a mess? How could there be such a shift in me? 08P 12 XX.XX NS

Anxious that I am not a good prover, want to understand homoeopathy better. Disappointed that not much going on. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Rage because I left gas ring on for 3 hours, want to beat my head. Have image of stabbing head into a pulp with big sharp knife and of slicing body. Very violent. Hate knives. 10P 02 XX.XX NS

Depression. Do I want to do homoeopathy? Felt badly treated by patient who didn't turn up. 10P 14 XX.XX NS

Deep sleep marked a sorely troubled heart. My life seems a mess. 12P 18 XX.XX NS

Unhappy, real reasons. Poor me, envious. Other half flew off to job in Greece, leaving me to look after two kids. 13P 07 XX.XX NS

I was really exhausted today, I felt sad, felt vulnerable, felt tearful on many occasions. What do I fucking want? J. says I am a haughty bitch, maybe that is correct! Perhaps I do everything wrong. I'm the one who gets pleasure out of all this pain. 17P 10 XX.XX NS

I felt big today, as if I had totally overeaten, gained weight, unpleasant.
17P 12 XX.XX NS

Anger

I was irritable with everybody because of the chaos. 01P 02 XX.XX NS

I felt irritable at the meeting, it's a waste of time and they are doing it all wrong. 01P 05 XX.XX OS

I felt very irritable which is unusual and found myself irritable with other drivers which is also unusual. 02P 03 XX.XX NS

I am especially irritable late afternoon. 02P 16 17.00 NS

Frazzled and tense by the end of the day and snappy with the children. Feel under pressure and slightly resentful about mother-in-law's visit. 03P 18 XX.XX NS

For the first time in weeks I've felt really pissed off and angry. My mother-in-law has no intention of being irritating but I find her really difficult and get more and more sensitive to every comment she makes. I'm wired up and everyone suffers. The children have to put up with me being really snappy with them too. Haven't felt irritation like this for ages. 03P 20 XX.XX OS

Morbid and miserable thoughts on waking. Feel unaccountably cross - snapping at the children. I'm looking forward to being alone. Must be pre-menstrual. 03P 26 XX.XX OS

Found managing the children very difficult between 3.30 and 6p.m.. Found their aggression towards each other and bad tempers makes me feel indignant and cross, not much understanding or patience. 05P 03 XX.XX NS

Resentful at daughter's grumpiness and at confrontation with son. 05P 08 XX.XX NS

Couldn't cope at all with children becoming aggressive and competitive and not responding to my attempts to set boundaries. Completely lost it angry with son. Felt low about how bad the 3.30 - 6 p.m. time is with children. It seems impossible. Felt low about how bad I felt after feeling so good on holiday. 05P 14 XX.XX NS

Pissed off about things that needing sorting out. 05P 16 XX.XX NS

Really enjoyed gardening job with wife, really felt this was something we could work towards. Got really annoyed when children interrupted us by creating a fuss - felt angry that this was not what was arranged or what I expected. 05P 18 XX.XX NS

Headaches interfere with my thought processes and I become intolerant with staff patients and family. 06P 00 XX.XX NS

Pissed off with not having coffee but resisted temptation to drink it. 06P 03 XX.XX NS

Short-tempered on waking. 06P 04 XX.XX NS

Abrupt with patients - not as tactful or tolerant. 06P 12 XX.XX NS

Irritable, beeped horn at another driver in car park. Never do that. 09P 03 XX.XX NS

Anger with bank. Said I have had enough problems with this man. Felt I was harder on woman I spoke to than would usually have been. 09P 05 XX.XX NS

Surprised at being short on telephone to a colleague. I don't want to discuss this. This is how it is. 09P 05 XX.XX NS

Rage. Forgot to ask for next after noon off work. 10P 02 XX.XX NS

Wait 1 hour in silence for patient who does not turn up. Depressed. Then rage waiting for bus which does not come. Scream obscenities at bus driver going the other way. If had a lump hammer would smash bus time table. Felt on verge of being arrested, on verge of getting into a fight with someone, perhaps driver. (Have never been in a fight). Okay with driver when he came. Trained to be polite to people. 10P 14 XX.XX NS

Rage as printer malfunctioned took Staph 200c without thinking. 0P 27 XX.XX NS

I have been very assertive today. I told this guy selling eggs to cover his notice (he had sold out of eggs). I felt quite affronted. I argued with him -- really stroppy -- with good reason, but the bit over the top. 11P 06 XX.XX NS

I'm feeling very bolshi. I have been putting friends in the picture if criticized, even if in fun. It seems very important to me to make my point -- I don't think they like it. I'm not taking any criticism. 11P 07 XX.XX NS

I had a disturbed night worrying about daughter. I feel angry with the girls who have been unpleasant with her and want to go down and sort them out. 12P 04 XX.XX NS

I feel pre-occupied and querulous. 12P 05 XX.XX NS

Brother called about an accident he had. Angry and anxious. Angry that he was so inconsiderate. 13P 01 20.30 NS

Very irritable and impatient. Tired from strange dreams. 3 Children to look after. Unfair. Reacting too quickly. 13P 05 XX.XX NS

Justifiable rage at a friend who was not there when I was meant to visit her. Cold front and clipped speech when I talked to her later. 13P 10 16.00 NS

Woke very cross and bad tempered. People so ungrateful. Cross with everything. Anticipating disappointment. Better in the open air. 13P 10 XX.XX NS

Angry violent outburst. Needed to vent frustrations on inanimate objects. Whacked kitchen cabinets with a broom. Shocked myself. Felt better for company and going out. 13P 12 XX.XX NS

At one point feel irritated with patient. She has no fears and doesn't want to change anything, doesn't know what she likes doing. Feel I want to shake her - its only momentary then it passes. 14P 02 17.00 NS

Irritated with the video. Swirls of irritation going around in my chest and solar plexus. I want to kick the video recorder because it is not rewinding the video quickly enough. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Wanted to kick the printer - it wasn't moving fast enough! 14P 05 XX.XX NS

Stroke the ginger cat on his head, then for no reason my hand grasps him behind the ears and I grit my teeth. I've no idea why I did that. The cat was a bit surprised about it too! Had momentary flash that Hand was a claw like a bird of prey gripping its prey. A moment of viciousness or something. 14P 06 20.00 NS

Home, flashes of irritability while getting late lunch. Don't want to wait on anybody. Food is out, want people to just come and fetch what they want. Don't want to pander to anyone. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Desire to scratch and bite during sex. 14P 14 XX.XX NS

Daughter niggling me, she'd moaned about washing up. I feel pissed off with her attitude to helping out. Then she moans about Easter eggs and not receiving one, getting bar of chocolate instead. I'm really pissed off now, can't feel anger or hurt, but know I am. Instead of having desire to put it right just want to push her further away. Usually I'd want to make it all alright again. 14P 14 XX.XX NS

Another set to with daughter. We aren't hitting it off too well at the moment. I sense she is critical of me and I challenge her, instead of keeping quiet to keep the peace. I'm not sure what she wants from me, but I'm obviously not providing it. 14P 15 XX.XX NS

Think generally I'm swearing more. 14P 17 XX.XX NS

Feel very territorial about the table I work at being sat at by someone else. Getting myself annoyed about everything, yet not 'feeling' it, but acting it. Too lazy to 'feel it'. 14P 18 XX.XX NS

Get the meal, fly at the children because they don't come as soon as I call them. I'm on short fuse, but still a lack of 'feeling'. Moment soon passes. 14P 21 XX.XX NS

Feeling narked now about 2 things that haven't been done by 2 companies. I want them to do as they said they would do and not piss about. Why don't people do what they say they are going to do. I'm really cross about it. Slightly stronger feelings coming up. 14P 22 XX.XX NS

As soon as H. and daughter left house in morning, felt low. In evening blazing row with daughter because I'd lost something important and was cross with myself. 15P 17 XX.XX NS

Woke feeling irritable. Impatient. Didn't want to be stroked. It made me more irritable and I moved away. Needed space. 15P 18 XX.XX NS

In the morning I discovered close friend had let me down over two things. Very techy all day. Changeable - one minute couldn't bear to be caressed or touched. The next being amorous and wanting to be held. Impatient and bossy with H. Talked down to him. Was abrupt and rude. Swift changes from being rational to irrational. 15P 19 XX.XX NS

Sleep talked. Was bossy to H. and told him he was unfeeling! 15P 23 XX.XX NS

Need a remedy to get me out of this. Angry with JS. She drops the bombshell and then buggers off to USA. Feel used. Deserted. She's playing with us. 15P 42 XX.XX NS

Gave a lesson and the pupil did not perform as well as I know she can. Got angry with her, suppressed the feeling, but inside myself I felt impatient and angry. 17P 02 XX.XX NS

Finally I am in bed now, I am so pissed off. I am in a destructive mood. I am in a fit of jealousy, and I drank five glasses of whiskey or maybe six or seven, I don't know. I feel like being rude and screaming 'Fuck that shit'. 17P 07 02.00 NS

I could have attacked S. today. I asked him a couple of things and he treated me like a worthless piece of shit. I just left quick, very quick and I felt that attacking him and putting my nails into his flesh would have been very appropriate - at least we wouldn't be so polite to each other anymore. I feel like putting my hand into the wound and start to rip the wound up, more and more, as if through that it would cure. Today this felt the right thing to do, something ritual, something tribal - is it me writing all of this shit? However I didn't. 17P 12 XX.XX NS

Felt fine today, again I feel that I am quite relaxed and calm about things. I asked my husband if he had noticed any change and he said that he had - he says that he thinks my moods a very changeable, and that for example, last night I seemed really angry whilst on Friday evening I was really nice. I must admit I am not aware of this. 18P 04 XX.XX NS

During the evening I had a row with my husband. He got really annoyed and shouted at me and went upstairs to the PC. I sat downstairs for a few minutes, becoming more and more angry, then I marched upstairs, grabbed him by the shoulder and swung him round, and really shouted at him. He started to argue back, but I was determined to get my point across, and really went for him, verbally. Afterwards I felt quite calm about it, I went downstairs and left him upstairs. We do not normally argue very much at all, we are both quite placid people who dislike confrontation (especially me). Usually when I get angry I start to cry, particularly if I shout, but this time my anger felt quite cold; I also felt really calm afterwards, whereas usually an argument leaves me shaken (and tearful). I went to bed without saying goodnight to him. Supervisor's comment - the prover omitted the above symptom from her report. She told me later to insert the symptom of "anger" into day . 18P 08 XX.XX NS

When I woke I remembered the argument, I did not feel bothered as I felt I was right. My husband apologised to me (this must be a first!) for starting the argument, and for swearing at me - I apologised to him for getting angry (so we're happy again!). 18P 09 XX.XX NS

Truth/Religion

Wife looked incredibly sexy in her work clothes. I couldn't stop grinning - it felt like a clandestine meeting. I really fancied her and felt how lucky I was being with her - it was a bit like a fantasy come true. 05P 16 XX.XX NS

Walking home, felt taller - a momentary thing, few seconds. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Talk to friend on phone, told her I'm doing proving. She points out that I'm quite blunt in my responses - she felt nutted, put in her place by me. I notice that I am feeling outspoken, like being up front, not beating round the bush, just come out with it. Don't feel my usual constant concern about putting my foot in it. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

I notice I haven't the usual concerns about pussyfooting around so as not to offend or speak out of turn, and no remorse about what I've said. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Son and I have a chat about money. I find that I say what I need to say, and sort out misunderstandings over my expectations of him getting some work. He apologizes about the expense of all this uni stuff. I don't pat him on the back and say, there there, it doesn't matter, because it does. I do reassure him by rephrasing his apology and acknowledging it. I haven't rescued him, he doesn't need me to do that, but it is something I normally would have done. What's great about all this, is that the air gets cleared and there are no under-currents left swirling about. 14P 07 XX.XX NS

Fellow prover rings - I say did you ring for a reason - not to discuss proving!! She's asking about ordering leaflets from the Society. She has to work quite hard to pin me down. I can't concentrate or decide how many of what leaflet I want. Its so hard to keep off the proving because she must have been able to tell that I was finding it hard to be pinned down. I thought about it afterwards, the remedy has been about openness and honesty so no wonder I was finding it hard to talk to her knowing that we shouldn't discuss the proving. It was making me sweat - the effort of not talking about the proving and the effort of having to be on another level to deal with her questions about the proving. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Flowers in church, can't get in touch with the meaning of Easter. Feel quite detached from it all. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Not much energy today, I'm much quieter than I have been. Not low or depressed. Just am. Visit Lacock, walking by fast flowing river. Taking in surroundings, not excited by them. Just looking. Best bit was visiting church. Beautiful stained glass windows, lovely flowers and Easter garden, man playing the piano, so unusual, I'm fascinated with that and find it very pleasurable. Feel annoyance at children's lack of respect in the church, concerned at adults with me too. 14P 11 XX.XX NS

Woke 2a.m. dreaming. Feel very hot. (It's Palm Sunday). My space is being invaded. Need time to think and pray. (I don't usually pray) 15P 04 02.00 NS

Woke relaxed not tired. Religious thoughts about the Garden of Gethsemane and Peter's betrayal. Went to church. Felt very emotional as I listened to the Gospel. Likened the events that happened to Jesus to things which had happened to H. and me a few months ago. (Conflict over the burnt chicken factory in our village). I saw hatred and unforgiving and ignorance. Utter lack of compassion. They mocked and jeered us. 15P 04 XX.XX NS

Realized our whole cruise had been about death and the afterlife. At the last supper Jesus told his disciples, Drink this wine, for this is my blood of the new covenant. When I drink wine again it will be with you when I am sitting on the right hand of my father. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Week's precis of how I've been from my family: gentle and loving and well balanced! Haven't told them how I've been feeling. Regret what I've said to supervisor. Ask her to modify it. Out shopping, a group of lads tossed a stone at my daughter. Felt intense anger. Turned round and glared for a while at them. Wanted to go and kick them. Church: Tearful as the story of Christ's betrayal and crucifixion unfolded. Listened intently to the readings. Got home and missed a TV film which I had been looking forward to. Felt compelled to set up record player and play the whole of Jesus Christ Superstar 2.1/2 - 3 hours avidly reading the words of each song. Wept with sadness when the music was particularly beautiful. Didn't feel better with weeping. It was the words as much as the music which made me weep. Wanted to be alone with my thoughts. (Good Friday.)15P 09 XX.XX NS

Woke dreaming/going through my mind justifying why I acted as I had. I imagined people had listened to me this time. I surface. The reality is they didn't. Thought of the trial of Jesus, the negative side of man - fear, ignorance, inflexibility, jealousy, resentment, lack of compassion. All these things have lead to terrible conflicts through the world and to much sorrow. (I'm in tears). Feel loved by most. Despised by a few. Am waiting all the time for something horrible to happen to me or the family/house/car. 15P 10 05.00 NS

Felt good all day. It's like something takes over with this religious stuff. There's definitely a duality - 2 states of mind. 15P 10 XX.XX NS

Lies/Death

I woke with an underlying foreboding, sense of gloom. 02P 10 XX.XX NS

Feelings of grumpiness seem to sit in the solar plexus. 02P 13 XX.XX NS

Wife took pregnancy test relief its negative. But also met someone whose young daughter has recently died which was a fortunate encounter in helping me to put into perspective the possibility of having another child against the ever-present horror of one of the children dying. 05P 04 XX.XX NS

Took bull by horns and phoned brother - it still feels like a chore and slightly insincere. 05P 20 XX.XX NS

Sense of doom. 12P 11 XX.XX NS

Terrible sense of pursuing the unattainable. 12P 14 XX.XX NS

On opening my eyes objects were swimming and were melting and growing taller. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Momentarily think legs look larger. 14P 01 17.00 NS

It is about the division, the feeling, I can't trust my feelings, maybe there is a second prover 17 who feels something completely different. I feel like I am the person who has been through an earthquake. 17P 18 XX.XX NS

I'm sitting here and there is a shadow on the wall - I know it's only a shadow but it is a grinning skeleton with a black hat on, it is dancing in the candle light - it is ridiculous! It has long fingers and big black holes where once the eyes were - this is just another little symbol of madness. 17P 25 XX.XX NS

MIND

PHYSICALS

Dream Themes

Confusion

Careless

Anxiety

Fear & Danger

Trapped

Water

Sex

Anger

Shame

Dirt

Isolation

Old Friends

Houses

Money

Other Dreams

Confusion

I was in a hostel by the sea playing cards. The blokes were washing in the girls' bathroom and the girls were in the blokes. I had to tell people there was confusion coming. 01P 06

Dreams last night were like having a radio on quietly, I was just aware of a hum of voices but nothing distinct. 03P 02

Loads of dreams but could not remember any detail. I think they were full of lots of people. 03P 19

Given letter like a register or electoral roll. Confused, why me the newcomer left to argue the case? Threat of displacement by stronger, more beautiful person. Questioned and tested. 13P 04

Husband has huge pile of stuff in the middle of the lawn. (Not stuff I recognize, but stuff I'm a touch concerned about him throwing out.) Its a bonfire and I'm watching out of the upstairs window. Every now and then I say, but that would be useful for school, or, I could find a use for that. He says no, no its going out. I instantly give in each time and think, oh well its gone now, let it go, or, well, I suppose I'll never use it. He repeats this back to me. I'm a touch concerned but let it go. (I feel confused in dream because I don't recognize stuff.) 14P 07

I was cooking meals, lamb wasn't cooked but carried on serving it up, blood oozing from it. I was forgetting messages in the dream. There was a few eating sessions, laying of the table etc. Aware of not finishing jobs. 14P 08

Youngest son doing an audition for something. Being in a building and walking around it. Looking for toilets. Got offered the part but couldn't have it because he didn't have a pinstriped suit. 14P 12

Had a dream about going to a christening - I was outside a church and talking to a vicar in a long white gown. Then I was watching a television programme about 70's glam rock - in the programme David Bowie was doing a concert in his "Ziggy Stardust" role. There was also a couple in the programme, and the man was really a woman, and the woman was really a man. I was getting stuff ready for the christening, and was talking to woman that I had worked with, (we had been friends), and we were moaning about the man I used to work for (see Sunday's dream!). We were on the edge of a river that had been drained; workmen were walking around on the muddy river bed in wellington boots; I suddenly realized that the christening was taking place on the other bank and we were not going to be able to make it. Somebody told me that the friend I had been talking to was actually the friend (male) of the man I used to work for (he took over my department), and that he had been in disguise. I wasn't very bothered about this, I was more concerned about not getting to the christening. 18P 06

Careless

Dream of knocking my parents over while I was driving dad's car slightly out of control. Thought they were joking until I realized how shocked and rattled they were. Couldn't believe how careless I could have been. (Could this be related to thoughts of carelessness about wife's possible pregnancy?) 05P 06

Dream about pushing Aunt in a wheelbarrow but wasn't careful, was going too fast and she tipped out. Felt stupid for not being more careful. 05P 07

Anxiety

I was walking across moorland with a backpack, camping, with a water-proof which I knew was very foolish - woke feeling anxious. 01P 04

I was going on holiday to Germany. I was in the airport with my bike trying to find the departure desk. I realized I had no bike pump with me, and no other equipment should I get a puncture or anything else. Also realized I didn't have walking shoes. I was wandering around all sorts of strange buildings, glass and concrete, and also to an area where there was a waterfall with beautiful red rocks. Lots of people were taking photographs, but I was irritated and increasingly anxious to find the check-in 01P 23

A whole crowd of us were going on holiday. We met up in my car to go to a club. We had to drive through bright sun and a shopping mall to park in a subterranean car park. We went upstairs and had food and drinks, then with a shock I realized I had to get my passport which I had sent off to get renewed. I had to leave so retraced my steps trying to find my car. I kept turning corners to find tracts of water. At one point there was a large woman with fish tails. People were lying about sunbathing. I walked downstairs remarking how dramatic the layout was, like a pop video set. As I was trying to work out how to get a passport out of office hours. Then I realized I hadn't sent it off and tried to work out how to get a passport and get to the airport. 01P 25

Anxious dreams. 02P 02

I missed an important appointment. 02P 04

Lot of dreams about being in college situations, being in a class mostly uncomfortable. Reminds me that a lot of my college and school didn't enjoy, found academic part quite overwhelming. 05P 19

Cat followed us in trip to college in hills. Crossing steam, going through water. Youngest son - he's only 12! - wanted to live in bedsit up the road. Hated the idea but let him do it. Felt very uncomfortable about leaving him there. Thought landlady would be bossy. 14P 20

Dream of staying in a big house (our house, I think) with lots of friends. Drug addicts moved in next door. I could see them through the open doorway. Two of them in the bathroom - one shouting to the other (who I think was lying on the floor), 'are you okay?'. I was worried about the influence on the children in our house (them being enticed to take drugs?). I knew in the dream that us all staying in the house was part of the proving. 16P 02

With my daughter shopping, searching for gift for a friend's daughter to take to her birthday party that afternoon. My anxiety mounting a we couldn't find anything I considered suitable. Decided to give her 2 things of my daughter's - a cardboard hanging teddy bear and something else, but decided on the way to the party that they looked too tatty. Bought a book, but then realized it was too young for her, and it had torn pages and a message to me in it from an old boyfriend. Spent an anxious half hour in book shop from 12.30 p.m. (the party started at 12.30) trying to find another book, knowing we'd be late for the party. A friend of mine worked in the shop and he recommended a book so we watched it on the video he put on, but it was too adult. The shop was about to close, I was really worried, but finally found a shelf of fashion magazines and bought one of those.
16P 06

Dream of my sister waiting for a school bus - she is living with us, and has to wait on a lonely crossroad for the bus. I am worried about her, and trying to work out if she is 17 yet, as I would rather we bought her a car for her to drive to school in. 18P 07

Fear & Danger

Dream of falling sharply into blackness in a very small elevator with fear of death. Want to descend but don't trust the cables to save me. 10P 03

Stuck up on a high precipice. Very little space available, long way down. Have to wait as another slow climber goes down. Oh my god I'll never do this again. Great fear. 10P 04

I am some kind of secret agent on a tropical coast. Get arrested unfairly but escape. German army is advancing. 10P 04

Climbing a precarious, rickety ladder whilst being watched by a college classroom. I climb skillfully up to a storage shelf and down with no problem. 10P 08

Woke up from vivid complicated dreams. Walking downhill with the word of the day. Dangerous atmosphere. Fighting against things. Need to hurry, organizing, trying to solve problems. 13P 02

Vivid dreams, expressing real feelings like a child. Silent threat to family stability. Many details. 13P 05

Upstairs flat. Switched on hot fat fryer - high on shelf and ran a bath then left them and forgot. Came back to discover sparks and heat so switched off fryer, thought I'd done it just in time, went to bathroom, crowd there, bath already turned off, floor soaking wet. Then shouts of fire and fryer has set alight. There's no panic and not much concern in me, just sort of accepting. 14P 13

I was a schoolgirl and dreamt (in the dream) that I was being sexually abused by a teacher at school (although in this dream nothing physical happened, he only said things - what he said was indistinct, but somehow I had my legs in the air with knickers showing and he made a comment about knickers and periods). This dream upset me so much that I was crying at school and the headmaster took me aside to comfort me and find out what was wrong. I asked for a female teacher to be present before I told him (not because I was worried about the head, but felt I needed female presence because of the nature of the problem - also because it was the thing to do). so he went off to get someone. Another, young male, teacher came to comfort me meanwhile and put his arm around me and I thought how nice it was that he was prepared to do that when teachers were scared to because of accusations of sexual abuse. He took me to my next class (which was having a class photo taken with toddlers and a dentist) and other girls discussed the fact that they'd been scared of the teacher I dreamt about after they'd dreamt he'd sexually abused them, but actually in class he was ok. I found this reassuring. The young male teacher stayed with me and we left school at the end of the day together. He started coming on a bit strong (cuddles and verbally) which made me feel very uncomfortable - he wanted me to stay the night at his house. I said I had to get home - it was 10.30 p.m. and my parents would be worried as I hadn't gone home after school, and he said he'd fallen in love with me. 16P 11

I was a schoolgirl, sitting at the table having breakfast, and was about to go into the 6th form. I was wandering around this big place with lots of rooms-cum-shops. Went into one which was a cafe. I had on sawn-off jeans and so did all the people in the cafe. They were rockers and I felt very threatened. 16P 13

Dream. I saw a dead person, I think male, not a skeleton, more like an unwrapped mummy. The person was stuck in a stone sarcophagus up to his abdomen the upper part of the body had the same green greyish colour, similar to the dome building, but with a mouldy texture on top. The head of the dead person was bend backward and his face was a screaming mask with the mouth wide open, it was a grimace of utter pain, horror and suffering. Above the head, in a crescent moon shape, was something stuck into his head. The head had obviously been split before. Violence - I felt afraid and thought that all the people in the dream were up to no good. I thought that some ritual had been performed. I looked at them and said: I've got to go- and ran off. 17P 02

I had a dream last night: I was in another country and somehow it wasn't safe any more and we (four people, one was my mother) had to get out before it got to dangerous. Somebody faked passports for us, made false ones! When we came to the airport there were tickets made up for us but there were five tickets and as we were only four people the officer started to ask questions - very uncomfortable, we made it through the gate but they told us that they need to assess us - we were waiting and I realized that the airport was really a hospital - we waited and I was so nervous about the medical assessment, but even more nervous about being found out. I looked around and found it very "nice" that the nurses grew cuttings of rhododendron plants in vases. 17P 28

Dreamed that I was going to the hairdresser to have my hair cut; my sister was with me. We had to go right to the top of a building and then across a stone bridge to get to the top of another building; the bridge did not have any walls or rails along the sides, it was just like a stone plank between the two buildings. I was scared but my sister told me "Don't be silly. Come on" so I crossed it. In the hairdressers, they were trying to talk me into having a perm; it was some new machine that they wanted to use. I thought, I don't want a perm, but I felt that I was going to have to say yes. Then I was in a supermarket, I had some tins that had "reduced" price labels on them, which I bought. After I paid for them, I thought "why have I bought these", I didn't want them and the tins were coming open - one of the tins had oysters in it, and the lid was coming off. 18P 05

Trapped

I met up with an old friend in an underground office. He was eating. We went to get his car. There was no seat in the back and I had to crouch. We went down subterranean roads which became narrower and narrower. We went down a vertical tunnel to a dark underground room where we were paddling in water. There were lots of birds in cages. The room was drying up and a friend came in and opened the door to the garden. 01P 02

Dream. In a barren land with netting fence and a large gate. There's a space between the fence and gate. Sign on gate says no admittance, gate to be used for emergency purposes only. I quietly moved the bar from the gate and reverse my car to turn it using only the space between the gate and the fence. As I replace the bar I notice a garage with open doors a few feet away. I think to myself 'they're out at a funeral'. 15P 05

Water

I was in a boat. There was no land in sight. I could only see sea. It was a big boat and I was walking all over it. The deck of the boat was level with the sea so water was coming over the deck and it was slippery. There was no rail on the boat. I knew I was okay but I had to tell other people it was dangerous. 01P 06

Dream of old college room and swimming with a tall woman who came on very strong - very exciting. Also had to hide in carpet-type warehouse with old friend from some guys he had upset - lots of old school-friends gloating over his temper. My role was little brotherish, supportive, subsidiary. 05P 22

Was in a submarine, no colour. The boat had been taken over but it was not threatening. We were in the water, then awoke. 06P 02

I walked into a room full of light. There were a group of angels hunched over crying. I walked up to them, but they didn't know I was there. I realized they were crying about me. A flood was coming, and it swept into my house. Everything got carried out to sea. I knew I would have to go as well. The water took me piece by piece. I was dismembered. 08P 12

Woke knowing I had lots of lovely gentle dreams, could only remember snippets of one. There was a warm pale sandy beach. Soft gentle clear lapping waves and the warmth of the sun. I was feeling so relaxed. Husband and son were on the beach somewhere, I momentarily engaged with them, but the environment was the main focus of the dream and my own comfort. Hid from them behind a rock so that I could surprise them or watch them go by and not see me (playful feeling. I'd sat next to a young blond woman, she was wondering what I was doing, I briefly explained, it didn't bother me that I might be encroaching on her space (no eye contact with her, didn't actually look at her). 14P 05

Walking home from work, sea was closing in on me and surrounding me. Shallow bit moving fast, pale sandy colour to water. Clear. I had to walk fast in other direction to avoid being cut off by the tide.
14P 12

I'm driving a car. I see a person drowning in a wild river. I say: stop the car! I run to the river, take off my clothes and say: I'm a swimmer, you get help and I get her out. 17P 05

Sex

Two dozen black cats are making love in a country hedge. At first I didn't know what they were doing and I went up and stroked one of them.
02P 03

I dreamt of an orgy in which I was the observer. The participants were very energetic and anxious to get it all over quickly and get on with other things. 02P 07

Vivid erotic dreams. I was in the arms of a woman other than my girlfriend, a woman I know. 12P 05

Just before waking - sexual dream. No foreplay , kissing or anything - straight into intercourse and wanting instant gratification without having to do anything for it. Contrast of intensity of passion against numbness and lack of feeling that I've been experiencing. 14P 03

Dream: Was lying in bed with another woman. I started to stroke her arm and wanted her to reciprocate. Then a lot of others got into bed between us. 15P 14

Dream that I was on holiday in France with my husband and children, on the beach, just arrived, and into my lap dropped the most exquisite folded paper flower in a tiny plastic cup. I suddenly remembered I was having an affair and had promised my lover to try and get the family to France in the summer so that we could meet up. I realized the flower must have a message written on it. But I couldn't be bothered with the affair any more, wasn't interested in the man and couldn't even remember what he looked like. The sun was hot. My skin was burning. I was concerned about the children burning so spent hours in a fruitless search for the sun cream. The sea was wonderfully warm. 16P 15

Dream: with an old friend in a room - he grabs hold of me and wants to kiss me. I can't push him away. I don't want to hurt him and end the friendship. He gets very passionate, I sit on top of him and behave sexy but I don't want it-he tells me we could move in together, have a brilliant life etc. In the dream I think to myself: he's deluded, but how the hell am I going to explain it to him. Again split perception, the dream scene, the thoughts in my head, the dimension of his life. The sex feels unrefined, raw and boyish. He's not a man who is in touch with his sensuality, a man who can play, I feel put off by this kind of sex. 17P 05

I went to the pub and sat with friends around a table, little French looking pub. Publican is a very refined and sensual man, more like an alternative bookshop keeper or something like that. I sit at the table, we are talking he takes my foot and says ' oh that is nice and warm', my foot is naked, he starts to stroke it just a little, and gently, so nice! I can't see his face really, but as I look up and see his face, I recognize I saw this man before in a dream. I had met him in a dream in a similar situation. He very politely and gently takes my hand, and starts to caress the fingers just very softly, 'so lovely'. I felt there is somebody who just loves me coming just out of the blue, heaven sent. He has such a special smile as if he'd understand me completely. I want to be free and want to be loved. Why can't that go together. I always feel that men want to put a doggie string round my neck in some way! The guy in the dream is completely different. The feeling of him gently stroking my hand is so lovely (I cry a bit). 17P 06

Dream. I ended up on a huge green lawn slope, with a party of people - very English - women refined, and men in beautiful white outfits - it seemed like a park in front of a manor house or something like that. I was very friendly with the man who owned the land, but I was new to the group of people. I ended up alone with a beautiful black man - we started to have sex, but I stopped and went to the man who owned the land and asked him who the beautiful black man was and if he was okay to be with. The man who arranged the party was very warm and friendly with me and he gave me the feeling that what I was doing was alright and that I should go on. 17P 12

Dream that a friend was having an affair with her brother-in-law; she was very matter-of-fact about it all, and said it had been going on for ages. 18P 15

Anger

Husband had been really rough and aggressive with daughter. She was deeply upset and I was furious and turned on him. He was angry and started trying to get past me to shake her and hit her some more.
14P 10

I was sharing a room temporarily with a close friend. I was cleaning the room and sorting out what was needed for shopping and she was lying in the double bed which we were apparently sharing. I as miffed that she was on my side of the bed, but felt I couldn't say anything about it. Also miffed that she wasn't helping with cleaning, but feeling guilty as I'd spilt ink on the cushion cover. 16P 05

I was in a crowded pub, and the director I used to work for came up and said that they had some problems at work with something, and could I help them out (I feel a great deal of anger and bitterness towards this man because of the way that I was treated when I was made redundant by my last employers). In the dream I just looked at him; I felt this wave of anger surge up in me, it was so powerful that even though I didn't say anything, everyone in the pub became aware of this power and anger, and they all stopped talking and looked at us. I think I just told him to "go away" or something, but the strongest part of this dream was the sense of power and anger. 18P 04

Shame

Friend leaves me in charge of bus with valuable antiques on it. I return to bus to find have left keys in the door and some things are missing. Guilt. Let myself down. Do I cover up or confess. 10P 17

Woke 1 a.m. dreaming. Saw man in village. He didn't smile at me. Looked at me with disdain. 15P 10

Tony Blair in a room in our house, being very nasty to one of his ministers, then him and minister making lewd comments about a girl walking by outside (I think it was, 'look at her nipples' !!) then about me. I was profoundly shocked, thought he was Mr Nice Guy. 16P 02

Went to a yoga class with another teacher at her (big) house. My usual yoga teacher turned up to take part in the class as she wasn't teaching that day. I'd missed going to her class, and I felt disloyal and embarrassed to be discovered there by her. 16P 04

Dirt

I am in a posh hotel lobby. Everybody is watching me. I have a headache and want some pills. I decide to nick them out of gift packs in the hotel lobby. Every time I looked at the price it went up. I went to look for a friend in the restaurant. It was a windowless room. I couldn't find her, I saw my brother, his wife and children. I rushed to them still conscious of the staff looking at me because of the pills. My sister-in-law needed to change the baby's nappy. She rushed into the loo and threw the nappy out spraying small pieces of shit. I had to go into the loo to wash. 01P 14

A friend dipped the sleeve of my favourite harris tweed jacket up to the elbow in black metal paint. The friend laughed it off but I seethed. I felt too awkward to express my anger so left feeling cold and unprotected. 02P 04

I was in a muddy swamp. It was quite yucky and I didn't know how to get out of it. 08P 07

I had a wife. Cooking food contaminated with insects. (Black beetles and silverfish in a bowl of rice. This was remembered later in the day.) 13P 02

My eldest is asleep wrapped up in quilt on public toilet floor. I thought, oh, how disgusting, I must wake him and move him, then I think, oh well, he chose to sleep there, leave him alone. 14P 10

Dream I was looking down at an open wooden boat. There were red patterned cloths covering stuff underneath. But there were black smuts on the cloths and people were starting to pick them off. I literally sat up to pick them off. 15P 05

I was going to stay in a house with 2 friends and when we arrived the house and surrounding properties were being evacuated as a matter of urgency, ready for demolition, as the ground had been discovered to be contaminated. 16P 20

Dream: Two friends and I were guests in a house, perhaps a residential studio. We ate dinner at a long table with lovely candles. A young girl served the food and it looked exactly like the tomato sauce I cooked last night. But then she added lots of black beetles in the sauce and mixed them under. I felt slightly disgusted, not very much, but I didn't really wanted to eat. I started to search for the creatures and cut them up again once I found one, to make sure they were dead. The girl looked at me as if I had misbehaved. My friends shook their heads and ate and wondered how I could behave so badly. I mashed the sauce around on my plate but I didn't eat. 17P 20

Isolation

I am in a boat dressed in a tie and suit. Everyone else is dressed casually. 02P 03

Father and his partner in bed at one end, I'm at the other end. They are home from abroad. My father and I are chatting but partner is ignoring me. She's just staring ahead and looks dead behind the eyes. She hides under the covers. I take this as a rejection. Then I realize she's in pain and has been for weeks with toothache, I feel sorry for her. I can't engage with her and its plain she doesn't want to engage with me. 14P 02

My sister and family are staying with me. I have some sort of appointment I have to go to. My sister decides to go off and do lots of things. I ask her what she'll be doing, she's going to make lots of phone calls, and see someone. It doesn't make sense, I'm confused. Why isn't she staying here. Her tights are all laddered and torn. I think, surely she's not going out like that. She won't look me in the eye, has far away look in her eyes. I've noticed in the dreams that I can remember there has not been eye contact with anyone. The faraway look has recurred before. Like superficial contact. 14P 07

Old Friends

Dream of old friend who we haven't seen for ages. 03P 18

Dream of bumping into an old friend who we haven't seen for years - second dream this week of old friends. When I mentioned it to my husband he said it was strange that he had been thinking of him as well. 03P 20

Dreamt wife and I went to see an old boyfriend of hers and he cooked a meal. Felt jealous at their connection with each other, threatened and fed up, although wife didn't flaunt it. 05P 08

I dreamt of my ex-partner seducing me, imploring me. 12P 08

Talking to old friends all artists and sculptors of trying to negotiate living space. 13P 04

Just before falling asleep I was completely carried away by a memory that crept out. A memory of a place in Italy where I stayed on holiday with my first boyfriend. Strange - it was a place in which we only stayed for one night! I didn't think of this holiday for the last 15 years. 17P 05

Houses

Went to a house I'd never been to before. It was an old cottage in the woods, surrounded by bushes and some big spiders in webs. It had taken a while to find it, as it was very hidden. I went down to the basement, which was huge. A big pine floored room, all-new (the house itself was old). All around the walls were mirrors. It was refreshing to be there. Very clean and expansive. 08P 14

Whilst showing someone round my half finished house, I discover some new rooms and stairs that I had not noticed before. 10P 17

Went to visit a local homoeopath socially. She lived in a flat with ornate tiled walls and a very ornate tiled fireplace (beigey-brown coloured tiles) which stretched up to the ceiling - it had kind of turrets and arches. 16P 05

All I can remember is staying in a house with lots of rooms with a group of friends. I had 2 husbands. 16P 07

Dream that I was fed up with the house we are living in, and wanted to move. Saw a house in a nearby village that I liked, it was being used as a doctor's surgery. We had moved into a room in this house, and I was aware that we should not really have been there. There were loads of people around, and suddenly my sister appeared - she was crying because she was frightened about going to secondary school, I was trying to console her, and was thinking "she's only 11". 18P 08

Money

An estate agent presented me with a bill for £200 or so that I borrowed years previously from a bank. I knew the man and liked him and couldn't understand why he was collecting the money. I confronted him and he told me he was quite within his rights and yes he was going to get a cut but I did owe the money. And it was an old debt. I felt he had taken advantage but I knew I had to pay up. 08P 04

Dream of owning prosperous company. Feeling of abundance and potential. 10P 16

Other Dreams

I was looking after the baby of some acquaintances. A friend wanted to play with the baby. I told her the baby was tired. She held the baby up her horizontally and I said you can't, she's asleep. Then back in the flat the baby is awake and I am irritable that it is awake. I am then in a cottage wearing a uniform, a smart suit. A lot of people came in a mini-bus. I am to go with them to see a house. There were loads of shoes in the cottage, but I couldn't find the ones to go with my suit so I found another pair which fitted. In the mini-bus I looked amazed at how the shoes fitted as they were so small. 01P 08

I was at home but it was all very crowded. My parents arrived with brother and wife. I was talking and looking after Mum. We all piled into the big room, watching T.V. Then we had to sort out the sleeping arrangements. I suggested Mick and I had the top room which only has one bed. Mick slept on the floor, my hand on his shoulder. 01P 25

Strange dreams mainly about new neighbours and stable block they're building. Seemed to involve lots of noise and people, loads of noise like having Radio 1 on quite loud with lots of talking too. 03P 08

Dream in which I was really heavily pregnant and was on a motorbike with husband, mum and one of the children and we got stopped by the police. I can clearly remember the physical sensation of a huge belly with my hands clasped under it. I persuaded the policeman to let us go because I told him I was in labour. All really strange but still vivid. (Note: prover's mother is dead) 03P 13

Dreamt of my mother in which she told me she was worried she may have bowel cancer (she died from breast cancer but was fearful there was something wrong with her bowels. Could be connected to news we have had that a man we know of 44 has bowel cancer. 03P 20

Very positive dream of feeling competent, teachers and leaders of groups were turning to me for help. 05P 10

Had an internal dialogue with an old nursery teacher of the girls about immunization. Came to the conclusion that she was wrong and misinformed. 06P 03

I lived in a very tall house and a fire was lit in the basement, which went up the chimney into every room. The chimney itself started to burn, but this was okay. 08P 02

Many people at a show advertising themselves on huge boards. I have a flashy new camera and am pointing it at people. I catch my deceased father writing his publicity but he is not qualified in any thing and it is there fore illegal for him to advertise. I fear that he will get found out. I think he is a bit senile and is just joining in. At the end I gave the camera to someone else. 10P 02

Dream of cat cuddling up to me whilst watching TV. It took awhile for the cat to trust me. 10P 05

I am climbing over girl friend's internal walls and ceilings slowly, methodically, carefully. It is not as difficult as in real life. Girl friend angry with me for doing it. 10P 06

Dream dancing in circle with many others. 10P 08

Dream of intermittent alarm going off a few seconds before actual alarm goes off. 10P 08

Image of a lizard walking/climbing. Clear and colourful. 13P 01

Walking through stone ramparts. Ominous figure in long smock with carved Egyptian head, like a giant puppet cat or dog with horns. Carrying buckets of mud. Precious. 13P 04

Woke from very vivid dreams. I was an atom or the cell in the tendril of a plant. In the dream I knew that this was a metaphor of life. I was a concrete block, square and grey. Went into action in green sunlight, circles and movement. Conversation between all the parts. 13P 11

Find a lot of my mail inside an old magazine. It should have been redirected and posted to me but hadn't been. I ask my mum about it, she isn't concerned so I had to be firm with her. Want her to understand that it was remiss of her and to show her concern. She cries, I'm not happy with that, didn't want to upset her. Just wanted her to take it seriously. 14P 00

In a garden, brambles everywhere, big tree. Another tree that was leaning over next doors fence has been chopped down by neighbours. I'm so sad for the beautiful tree, looking at its beautiful silvery trunk, now lying there dead. I'm wondering if there's any chance that it will survive, will it sprout from its stump. Wondering why they didn't ask me - feel abused and violated. 14P 03

In the kitchen. Dad's lady friend makes a comment. I speak up and defend - I don't try to retract my response or make her feel better. I wipe butter off the floor so that no one will trip. There's people everywhere but I'm not directly talking to anyone. 14P 03

I'd been trying to shave under my arms, had great difficulty, no water, razor blunt, wouldn't cut the hair. Spent ages trying to do this. Full close up of my hairy armpits. Felt frustrated at not being able to shave. 14P 15

Dreamt I'd lost my liver. 15P 19

Went out for a walk with my children's ex-teacher, feeling young acorns on an oak tree and they were like jelly, like squishy grapes. 16P 02

I'm having flute lessons in the big house of a woman acquaintance (although there's no flute) and I fancy the flute teacher. I pretend aloofness as not sure if my feelings are reciprocated - he's silent and mysterious, I'm single. Next time I go round to the house, the lady is packing. She's having work done on the house and is going to stay with flute teacher. There are a few dogs in the room, and a hamster which I am supposed to catch and feed before the cat gets it (I do). I'm, jealous - I haven't declared my feelings and I'm not sure of the relationship between the lady and the flute teacher. I sneak into his house, hiding, feel foolish, not wanting to be caught spying. It's a huge house with long corridors, lots of doors, spiral staircases, in beige-coloured stone. Someone comes, and I go careering down the stairs to escape before they see me, not wanting to be discovered. This person is at my heels at every bend - I wake from the fleeing. 16P 03

Dream that I couldn't remember, except the end of it involved me modelling a hand-knitted green cardigan in front of the telly (i.e. the telly was the audience) in someone's living room. A woman was sat in an armchair watching me. 16P 08

Last night I had a dream, I was somewhere at a party with a man, and every time I looked at him he changed face. I don't even want to write down which faces he had. 17P 10

Dream: I'm flying over a dry African landscape - I love flying - it's a good feeling. 17P 21

I was aware that I was dreaming a lot during the night, but I woke at about 4 a.m., and couldn't remember them, even though I knew that I had woken from a dream. I went back to sleep, and had the following dream: My sister and I were visiting a woman who had been one of our mother's friends when we were children. My sister and I were sitting on the sofa talking to her; I looked over at my sister and realized that she was an old woman; her hair was white (in reality her hair is dark brown). (I also often dream about my sister, but she normally appears in them as a teenager. She seemed at ease with herself, she was content and confident I didn't feel old myself even though I'm older than her. I just accepted it. Shock that she was old usually dream about her a lot but not being old. 18P 02

Again more dreams but cannot remember them. Woke about 4 a.m., and went back to sleep; had a dream about leaving the job I was in before. In the dream I was still leaving, and had finished my notice period. There were lots of managers I had worked with in a room, sat at desks. I went out of the room and down a corridor; filing into the boardroom were a line of directors, they were all dressed identically, in pinstripe suits. I didn't recognize any of them, then I suddenly realized that I had walked past one who I did know, from a long time before, and I went back and shook his hand, and said goodbye (I felt like I was making a point here, but I'm not sure what the point was !). 18P 03

More unremembered dreams. Again woke early and went back to sleep; had a dream of my sister and I talking about a teacher at school - in this dream my sister and I were our real (now) ages. She had the same hair style as last dream but not white this time - brown colour with centre parting bob, never had this style. 18P 04

Dream about a little boy, my husband looked out of the bedroom window and he was stood outside. He had come from a long way away, and was going back - he was talking about how much he liked CS Lewis books, and he talked about a book that CS Lewis had written which was a secret book - I said that I had read it as a child, and wanted to get a copy for him, but there wasn't enough time, as he was going - felt disappointed that I couldn't get the book. 18P 22

MIND

DREAMS

Physical Symptoms

Sensorium Head Sight and eyes Hearing and ears Smell and nose Face Taste and tongue Teeth & gums Mouth Throat Appetite, thirst and desires Belching and nausea Stomach and hypochondria Abdomen Rectum and stool Urine Male sexual organs Female sexual organs Voice & larynx, trachea & bronchia Respiration Cough Inner chest and lungs Heart, pulse and circulation Outer chest Neck and back Upper limbs Lower limbs Limbs in general Sleep Temperature and weather Skin Attacks & Periodicity Rest, Position & Motion Generals Sensations.

Sensorium

Dizziness on standing. 15P 01 19.00 NS

Slight dizziness and nausea on rising. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Dizziness lying in bed. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Head

Seven p.m. headache better. 01P 01 19.00 NS

Lunchtime started feeling tense in the head. Developed into a headache. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Light-headed. 02P 01 XX.XX NS

Slight ache behind eyes. 02P 12 XX.XX NS

Very slight humming inside head as with a bad cold. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Slight headache on waking, better for getting up. Think related to menses. 03P 30 XX.XX NS

Headache from holding son asleep after he developed temperature at lunchtime, but very unusually went off after children went to bed. 05P 19 XX.XX NS

Fewer headaches during the proving. 05P 27 XX.XX NS

Slowness with headache. 06P 02 XX.XX NS

Headache from sun light. 09P 01 XX.XX NS

Heaviness of head, occiput felt as if heavy weight hanging down back of brain. 09P 04 XX.XX NS

Head felt tight, tense, aching. Lasted all afternoon until early evening -- felt hormonal; or allergic. I used to get this sort of symptom before menstruating -- slightly different. 11P 01 16.00 NS

Dull ache behind eyes. 12P 03 XX.XX NS

Pain in right temple and then left. 13P 01 19.00 NS

Headache on the top of the head, throbbing, extending to eye sockets. 13P 02 22.30 NS

Tense headache, front of head moved to eye sockets. Same as earlier, not had before. 13P 08 15.00 NS

Headache in the evening, top of the front of the head, better lying down. More general than earlier one came on very gradually over the afternoon. 13P 09 15.30 NS

Vomiting. Banging headache. Tight drum around crown of head. Nauseating, unbearable pain. Had to close left eye which made it better. Better being sick. Continued but not as bad. Meant to be playing in a band had to cancel. Fragile but all right. Not wanting to eat. Sore and hollow. Not hungry. Just want to be alone. Desire for hot water. 13P 13 17.00 NS

Driving home, headache over right eye, gentle throb. Heating full on. 14P 01 18.00 NS

Heavy feeling in forehead. 14P 01 20.00 NS

My head is feeling heavy and gentle palpitations start up in my chest. 14P 02 17.00 NS

Heaviness of head. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Nausea with headache. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Dull ache frontal vertex on waking worse after sex. Head pain worse lying. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Throbbing vertex extending to ears. 15P 03 18.00 NS

No taste. Sensation of pressure in whole head. Blocked ears. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Headache (vertex) started after sex. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Dull aching vertex through day, worse driving car. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Pressure front vertex extending over both eyes. 15P 06 11.40 NS

Woke with head pain - vertex extending to both ears. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Tight head spreading down into neck. Want to lie down. Want to cry. 15P 07 11.00 NS

Headache is persistent, worse for driving car. 15P 07 XX.XX NS

Tingling right vertex and side of scalp. 15P 18 19.30 NS

Pins and needles left vertex on waking. 15P 26 17.30 NS

Headache heavy, solid (mild). 16P 01 17.00 NS

Head - heaviness on head, as if I had a wig on made of heavy metal like ancient Egyptian hairstyle, e.g. Cleopatra. 16P 01 22.30 NS

Headache -started at forehead - then like a slipped halo, around temples, above ears, round to occiput. (Mild - sensation like a band). 16P 01 XX.XX NS

Slight nausea with slight headache, forehead and over ears round to occiput, with stomach/epigastrium discomfort, sensation of large lump or ball, and heat. Gradually subsided over hour or so. 16P 02 09.45 NS

Numb feeling on top of my head and forehead gets much more intense (had started hour prior taking the remedy) - numbness moves down over the nasal bone. My head feels heavy, I'd like to rest it somewhere - I need to shake it-feel a bit dizzy now. 17P 01 17.00 NS

Got a vicious pain above my left eye, just behind the eyebrow - deep inside. 17P 05 00.30 NS

During the day I had a sharp cutting pain in my right temple on various occasions. 17P 11 XX.XX NS

Headache right under my forehead, unpleasant, lasted for fifteen minutes. 17P 21 13.00 NS

Mild headache, left hand side, "pincher-like" sensation, lasted rest of evening. 18P 01 18.30 NS

Headache at front of head - feels a bit like a stress headache, as the back of my neck feels "tight". Lasted all evening. Worse right side. 18P 05 20.00 NS

Woke with headache, frontal, mild, lasted all day. 18P 06 XX.XX NS

Woke again with a headache. It's more severe today, so I took aspirin, which stopped it. 18P 07 XX.XX NS

Still got the headache - it's worse for bending forwards or reaching down - more aspirin, I'm afraid. 18P 09 XX.XX NS

Headache on waking. Took aspirin, this time they did not work, and so I had the headache all day - worse bending forward worse movement. 18P 12 XX.XX NS

Sight & Eyes

Eyes itchy. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Eyelids reluctant to open. 02P 01 XX.XX NS

Eye is itching. 09P 01 XX.XX NS

Haze or fog in my vision, thought the house might be on fire and had to go around and check. Went away on blinking. 13P 11 18.00 NS

Head starts to feel heavy across eyes. Eyes feel tired and watery as if I've had a late night. 14P 02 11.00 NS

Noticed that the light in the kitchen seem very bright and have lots of rays around them (I tend to get this a bit with lights because I wear contact lenses, but this was extreme). 18P 01 19.30 IOS

At around 4:30 in the afternoon, I started to get a pain in my left eye; it felt sore and was watering; this lasted for the rest of the day. 18P 01 XX.XX NS

I noticed in a meeting this morning (10 a.m.) that light is still really affecting my eyes - daylight coming through a window under a half-closed blind had so many "rays" that I could hardly see across the table. 18P 05 10.00 NS

Hearing & Ears

Felt muzzy, worse on the left. 11P 01 12.00 NS

Ears popping repeatedly. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Singing in ears. High pitched hum. 13P 03 23.30 NS

Red hot right ear. 15P 01 18.00 NS

High pitched persistent noise right ear preceded by a sensation as if ear was blocked. 15P 11 XX.XX NS

I hear more on the left than on the right ear. Ears are very warm. 17P 01 17.00 NS

I hear everything, hearing intense. 17P 01 22.00 NS

My left ear hurt, all glands are up around my neck. 17P 11 XX.XX NS

Smell & Nose

Seven p.m. congestion of sinuses better. 01P 01 19.00 NS

Afternoon sinuses congested. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Left nostril streamed with fluid a.m. and lunchtime. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Increase sense of smell. 08P 06 XX.XX NS

Heaviness in nose, extending to the posterior nares.09P 01 XX.XX NS

Obstruction in right nostril on waking. 09P 07 XX.XX NS

Obstruction of left nostril. 10P 02 XX.XX OS

Sat up in bed and sneezed three times. 13P 03 08.00 NS

Averse to the smell of tobacco, unusual. 13P 03 10.30 NS

Got up and sneezed three times. 13P 04 08.00 NS

Sneezed twice. 13P 05 08.30 NS

Very heavy nasal catarrh and sneezing. 13P 11 20.00 NS

Tingling tip of nose. 15P 18 11.00 NS

Nostrils are really itchy. 17P 01 22.00 NS

The tip of my nose is ever so itchy, it drives me mad.17P 12 XX.XX NS

Face

Cold sore on upper lip. 01P 03 XX.XX NS

Right jaw feels bruised on waking. 09P 07 XX.XX NS

Flush of heat in face -- feels hormonal -- haven't had one for ages -- two years! 11P 07 15.00 OS

Red spots have come up my right cheek. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Very aware of lips, find I have to keep touching top lip with tongue - still feels swollen in centre of top lip. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Sensation of bump in middle of top lip as if its swollen. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Lips feel sore, as if I've lost skin off them in spots (bottom lip). 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Burning pain at root of nose. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Sore lips. Crack in left hand corner. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Taste and Tongue

Metallic taste in mouth. 03P 28 XX.XX OS

Acidy taste in mouth, lots of saliva have to swallow.13P 01 17.00 NS

Alkalai tasting saliva, fizzing and profuse. 13P 01 20.30 NS

Acid tasting saliva. 13P 03 21.00 NS

Bitter taste. 15P 01 18.00 NS

Tongue thickly coated yellow. 16P 02 22.00 NS

Have noticed that pepper seems really strong, I put some black pepper on my dinner this evening (about 7:30 p.m.) and it really burned my mouth. 18P 04 XX.XX NS

Teeth & Gums

Teeth sensitive on brushing them and then eating a sandwich. 02P 09 XX.XX NS

Wisdom tooth and lower left jaw feeling sore. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Gums spongy and bleeding 03P 28 XX.XX OS

Pulsating, stitching pain in left lower jaw while nursing baby Felt as if teeth were dissolving. Old symptom but not recently.
13P 03 23.00 NS

Brushed my teeth, and my gums started to bleed a lot. Never happened before. 17P 10 03.00 NS

Mouth

Tingling and burning sensation on right edge of tongue, travelling to tip of tongue then to the left side. Also travelled from the right side of the lips to the nose. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Burning sensation as if eaten chilli, strong between teeth and lips and on edge of nose. 01P 11 XX.XX NS

Saliva feels cool when I swallow it. 14P 01 17.40 NS

A small painless blister/ulcer has come up on inside of mouth. Just behind bottom lip (centre). Keep playing with it with my tongue. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Ulcer in mouth has developed and is red and angry around the outside, not at all sore or painful but feels quite warm when I touch it with tongue. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Itchy in my mouth, roof and around outside. 14P 16 XX.XX NS

Soft and hard palate sore. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Bit right cheek during supper. 15P 08 20.00 NS

Mouth, sensation of heat, yet moist. 16P 01 19.00 NS

Throat

Aching and dryness in throat "as if something there". 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Sore throat. 01P 09 XX.XX NS

Glands swollen. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Painful lumpy throat all previous night. Throat swollen at back, upper palate, constricting feeling, sore on empty swallowing. Better hot and cold drinks. Better eating. 05P 01 XX.XX OS

Throat almost OK. Still raw but no viral feelings which usually accompany it which is great. Would usually be aching in muscles and joints. 05P 03 XX.XX NS

Woke with sore lumpy throat after wakeful night with daughter. 05P 15 XX.XX OS

Throat sore and ballooning in evening and in bad mood. 05P 16 XX.XX OS

Hot drinks ameliorate throat. 05P 18 XX.XX NS

Haven't got a sore throat despite disturbed nights and not much sleep - quite surprising. 05P 25 XX.XX NS

Painful irritation in throat. 09P 01 14.10 NS

Sore throat on the right side. 09P 01 15.15 NS

Throat sore, extending to oesophagus. 09P 01 24.00 NS

Sore throat left side, better for eating. 13P 12 20.00 NS

Sensation of mucous coating sore throat. Kept swallowing. It wouldn't go away. 15P 01 17.00 NS

Gasping for breath as if throat was closing up. Sensation of mucous in throat. Yellow mucous coughed out of throat. Tickly throat. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Tension across chest together with burning sensation at back of mouth/throat. But also a cold sensation as if had eaten a peppermint. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Appetite, Thirst & Desires

Desire for cold fizzy water. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

Thirsty - throughout the whole proving. Strong desire for ginger. Aversion to dairy, chocolate, tea. 08P 03 XX.XX NS

Desire for chilli and meat. Increase in appetite. 08P 06 XX.XX NS

Aversion to sweet and savoury things, ate an apple. Don't usually eat fruit. 09P 04 XX.XX NS

I have not eaten chocolate I bought 3 days ago. 09P 04 XX.XX NS

No appetite in the morning. 09P 04 XX.XX NS

Extremely hungry. 11P 01 12.00 NS

Desire coffee. 11P 07 XX.XX NS

Hunger with sweaty palms. Worse walking. Uncomfortably warm. Desire raw foods and raw carrots. Continually hungry. Thirsty for cold fruit juice and cold water. 13P 02 18.00 NS

Averse to eating meat, remembered the details of the dream of black beetles and silverfish in a bowl of rice. 13P 02 XX.XX NS

Forgot to eat breakfast. Old symptom but unusual now. 13P 02 XX.XX OS

Woke thirsty and restless in bed. 13P 03 04.45 NS

Thirsty for cold water and fruit juice. 13P 03 08.00 NS

Craving for salty, bacon sandwich. Went out to buy bacon. 13P 03 10.30 NS

Woke hungry and had to get up and eat. Cereal and cold milk. 13P 08 03.00 NS

Physically starving. Felt better when eating but worse afterwards. 13P 08 15.00 NS

Very thirsty, drinking water and tea. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Thinking about alcohol - when I get home I want to have a few drinks - get pissed. 14P 03 XX.XX NS

Desiring alcohol, wonder if it will cheer me up. Want to eat chocolate. 14P 04 15.15 NS

Eating too much for past 2 weeks. Totally out of control. 15P 24 XX.XX NS

Appetite less the last few days. 16P 04 XX.XX NS

Little appetite, other than for cake and cold fizzy drinks (7 up). I'm not usually partial to either of these. 16P 07 XX.XX NS

Have been wanting to eat all the time, especially cakes, biscuits, chocolate, past week or so. This sometimes happens pre-menstrually, which I am. Normally not very sweet-toothed and wouldn't indulge in cakes, - I'm just scoffing them and don't care. Have put on weight. 16P 20 XX.XX NS

Forgot to eat all day, just made myself a bagel. 17P 03 XX.XX NS

All through the last week I could just eat and eat, but I feel guilty for it, which makes me want to eat more. 17P 27 XX.XX NS

Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting

Vomiting at night, after eating late at night. 09P 06 XX.XX NS

Nausea for half an hour after taking remedy. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Felt queasy, nauseous. Felt better for eating. Felt quite unwell. 11P 01 XX.XX NS

Stomach queasy and nauseous. The same feeling as yesterday. Desire for biscuits. Better for eating. 11P 02 17.00 NS

Nausea - lasted all day. Better for eating but only temporarily. 11P 03 XX.XX NS

Slightly nauseous. 11P 04 08.00 NS

Slight nausea and hunger. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Nausea, but I still eat breakfast, take it back to bed. 14P 07 08.30 NS

Slight nausea before eating, passes off after first couple of mouthfuls. 14P 07 19.00 NS

Nausea as a passenger in cars. 14P 11 XX.XX OS

Scrobiculum & Stomach

Pain in stomach like a knot, extending to abdomen.13P 01 20.00 NS

Indigestion until children went to bed. Pressure under ribs. Cramping pain. 13P 08 15.00 NS

Hiatus hernia hurting. Had 2 years ago. Can't relax diaphragm, breathless. 13P 08 15.00 OS

Epigastrium/stomach - sensation like a ball, warmth, glowing, spreading out through body. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Stomach/epigastrium - sensation of lump/ball/fullness all day, worse eating. 16P 03 10.30 NS

Stomach/epigastrium - slight full/sensation of lump feeling which worsened and pain came on whilst eating at lunchtime and continued. Like indigestion. A little burping, which doesn't ameliorate. 16P 05 13.15 NS

Stomach pain milder today, but still there from the time I woke up. Worse eating. The thought crossed my mind about stomach ulcer or cancer. 16P 06 XX.XX NS

Stomach - slight sensation of fullness, still, worse eating. Appetite still slightly diminished. Craving for cold, fizzy drinks. 16P 08 XX.XX NS

I feel a bit sick, funny feeling in my stomach. Well it is not filled up - no warm food yet. Just two toasts in the morning and a hundred cups of tea and biscuits. 17P 06 16.55 NS

Abdomen

Unsettled. 02P 03 XX.XX NS

Physical sensation of being winded, in solar plexus, after bad news. 03P 05 XX.XX NS

Abdominal cramping pain. Tension. 13P 02 22.00 NS

Feeling tightness over abdomen. 14P 03 09.00 NS

After lunch, my abdomen is pushing up into my diaphragm even more. I feel uncomfortable. 14P 03 13.00 NS

Felt pressure in my abdomen, pushing up into diaphragm, feels slightly uncomfortable. May be in liver area. Abdomen feels longer, elongated. 14P 03 XX.XX NS

Notice small circle of red rough skin on abdomen left side below navel. Size of 5p - not itchy. 14P 04 XX.XX NS

Tension abdomen, better for pressure, better for bending double. 15P 07 11.00 NS

Pain in my right kidney. 17P 02 18.00 NS

Had a pain beside my navel (right side), intensely stitching. Felt really disturbed by it. 17P 02 XX.XX NS

Shooting pain in right kidney. 17P 11 XX.XX NS

Abdomen still very sensitive, ovaries, uterus everything is very tender, worse for pressure, pain extends into illiac fossaes. 17P 26 XX.XX NS

Rectum & Stool

Pain and urging for 30 minutes. Old symptom but not sure what triggered it today. 03P 14 XX.XX OS

Constipation and ineffectual urging. Spent all day feeling I needed to go but couldn't. Usual after pain as yesterday. 03P 15 XX.XX OS

Passed stool morning and evening. 03P 25 XX.XX NS

Feeling as if stool remained after passing stool with discomfort for half an hour. 03P 25 XX.XX NS

Bowels open, easy to go. A complete contrast to past couple of weeks. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

Today as soon as I start my lunch my bowels move. Much easier to open them since remedy. 14P 06 13.00 NS

Pain in rectum all day when I sit down - goes right up into ovaries. (knife like) Ovaries are very tender - I'm ovulating.17P 24 XX.XX NS

Urinary Organs

Urine pale. 14P 10 XX.XX NS

Male Sexual Organs

Libido definitely improved/increased. 05P 10 XX.XX NS

Libido greatly increased - even felt spontaneous which I don't normally. 05P 17 XX.XX NS

Libido stronger than usual. 05P 20 XX.XX NS

Female Sexual Organs

Menses heavy on day one and beginning on day two. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Menses early by 4 - 5 days. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

Sexual desire increased on waking. 03P 13 XX.XX OS

Ovarian pain bruised during ovulation. Started 3.30 building to maximum discomfort 7.30, but not as strong as usual and no residual tenderness. No bruised feelings internally after coition at ovulation which would normally happen. 03P 15 XX.XX NS

Menses started - unusually not exhausted before. 03P 29 XX.XX NS

Sex drive up considerably. 15P 00 XX.XX NS

Menses lighter than usual and no pain. 16P 25 XX.XX NS

Had my period coming through. No premenstrual signs. They appeared a week too early. 17P 06 XX.XX NS

My period is a bit more painful around the area of my ovaries, a dull sort of pain, and I am bleeding quite heavy and dark, but it is not clotted. 17P 07 XX.XX NS

Still feel very sexed up. Can feel all my sexual organs more intensely than usual. I was sitting across the table from J. tonight and all of a sudden I thought how it would be to feel his penis, and I could feel how that could be, and it didn't feel bad. I think of sex all the time - my breasts feel fuller than usual, and soft - and ready. 17P 11 XX.XX NS

Thought my period was starting as I had some stomach ache and "spotting" at lunchtime, but it stopped (not had this before). 18P 08 XX.XX NS

No headache. Period started today - absolutely no pain, nothing at all (there usually is, and it can be very severe, sometimes with nausea). 18P 14 XX.XX NS

No period pain again, today (second day) is usually the day when I would expect period to be at its heaviest, with lots of flooding - bleeding was heavy, but not as much as usual. Still absolutely no pain. 18P 15 XX.XX NS

Voice & Larynx

Voice was croaking. 09P 03 XX.XX NS

Respiration

Respiration was difficult if I was hurried. 09P 03 XX.XX NS

Cough

Dry cough when talking. 09P 02 XX.XX NS

Dry cough on lying down. 13P 01 20.30 NS

Dry tickly cough on lying down. 13P 02 22.30 NS

Tickly cough 3.30p.m. as soon as I lay down. 15P 02 15.30 NS

Tickly cough. 16P 01 18.15 NS

Tickly cough, intermittent over hour, then by 11.15 a.m. heat in throat, heat in face. 16P 02 10.30 NS

Inner Chest & Lungs

Chest pain worse for movement or coughing. 11P 06 XX.XX NS

Feeling cold down inside my windpipe and oesophagus. 14P 01 17.40 NS

Sensation of pressure central and left chest extending to left shoulder. Aware of strong heart beat. Jabbing pains central chest. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Central chest tightness worse after sex. Aware of heart beating. 15P 04 XX.XX NS

Tension across chest. Gripping pain central chest. Aware of heart beating in throat. 15P 05 09.00 NS

Was woken with sharp, gripping blanket like pain over left front chest extending to left side, worse lying on either side. (Terrific sense of heat with pain in chest.) 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Indigestion type pain central chest and under both breasts. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Heart beating in my throat. Sighing, Tight chest and throat worse for sighing. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Heat in chest, throat, face, with tickly cough and raw sensation in chest. Gradually worsened to midnight - burning face and throat, sore throat worse right side. Felt like bronchitis I had a few years ago. 16P 02 22.00 NS

Very sharp chest pain in heart region, centre of chest, worse breathing in. Came on quite suddenly and very painful. Lasted about an hour. 16P 06 15.30 NS

My chest tightened up, all over sudden I feel breathing is so difficult - I'm experiencing a well known old symptom. 17P 05 00.05 OS

Cutting pain in heart region. 17P 14 XX.XX NS

Heart, Pulse & Circulation

Temperature increase. Heart rate increase. 08P 10 12.00 NS

Palpitations and little flushes of hot blood felt in the heart area. 14P 03 20.00 NS

After my breakfast, palpitations came, soft and gentle. 14P 05 09.00 NS

Heart feels like it's beating fast. Is it? I don't know. 17P 01 17.00 NS

Outer Chest

Chest - dull pain across breasts. 15P 08 XX.XX NS

Lie on left side. Pain, sharp, under left breast and round side of left chest, worse trying to roll on back. 15P 10 XX.XX NS

Pain just above my left breast, slightly burning. 17P 01 22.00 NS

Have an inflamed gland under my armpit, very painful, right side. 17P 14 XX.XX NS

Neck & Back

Pain in cervical area extending to right scapula. 09P 01 XX.XX NS

Pain under right scapula. 09P 03 XX.XX NS

Pain between shoulder blades, worse left side. 11P 02 19.00 NS

Stiff neck worse bending forward. 15P 02 XX.XX NS

Lower back ache lumbar region, worse for exertion.15P 10 08.00 NS

Tearing pain under my left shoulder blade at around 10:30, lasted for 20 minutes. 17P 02 10.30 NS

Aches in the lower back area - right side - feel stiff. 17P 20 XX.XX NS

Upper Limbs

Pain upper arm right on raising arm as though strained a muscle. 03P 08 XX.XX NS

Thumb, left, aching. 11P 01 12.00 NS

My index finger (right hand 1st joint) is painful to move and clicks. 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Index finger - has a bump on the joint like a bunion. That is playing me up today. Joint feel hot. Keeps stabbing away at me, as if demanding attention. I keep letting everyone know its troubling me, like a child! 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Woke with rigid muscles and pain left shoulder, worse pressure. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Shoulder pain moved from left to right shoulder during afternoon. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Notice tight pain left shoulder. 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Last week bit all my nails down and the skin around them. Very sore. Today whitlow right 4th finger. Burnt right wrist. 15P 20 XX.XX NS

Woke 6 times through night with pins and needles both hands and arms. 15P 21 XX.XX NS

Burning pain left shoulder joint. 15P 24 XX.XX NS

Fingernails breaking yesterday and today - they've been very strong recently - all of them are catching and breaking. 16P 06 XX.XX NS

Right wrist very itchy. 17P 14 XX.XX NS

Lower Limbs

Pain in hip she has had for years is better. 01P 01 XX.XX CS

Verrucas are coming to the surface and seem drier. 05P 11 XX.XX CS

Feet less smelly. 05P 11 XX.XX NS

Pain in left hip 09P 01 XX.XX NS

Stiffness in left ankle. 09P 07 XX.XX NS

Aching pain in ankles. 09P 10 XX.XX NS

Hip was aching. 09P 11 XX.XX NS

Aching of hips, knees and ankles in the morning. 09P 14 XX.XX NS

Stitching pain in left femur. 10P 00 XX.XX NS

Sensation that legs were heavy whilst walking up a narrow lane. Sensation of walking but not moving ahead at proper rate. 10P 01 XX.XX NS

Itching on upper part of leg, without any eruption. 10P 02 XX.XX NS

Shooting pain in right shin. Shooting upwards ankle to knee. Then tingling in whole right leg. 13P 03 22.30 NS

Sharp aching in right heel. Then shooting pains and weakness in both lower legs, lasted 10 minutes. 13P 09 15.30 NS

Left knee (underneath it) painful to move, but nags at me when sitting. Think it's result of exertion in water yesterday! 14P 08 XX.XX NS

Knee more painful in certain positions and worse for movement. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to move it, most of the time its painful. As if I've overstretched it or pulled it. 14P 09 XX.XX NS

Burning pain in left hip. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Pain in right hip, worse going upstairs, better hot bath. 15P 06 14.00 NS

Pain right hip joint (wet weather today). 15P 06 XX.XX NS

Pins and needles both feet on standing. 15P 26 19.00 NS

Limbs in General

During the first week of the proving experienced tingling in the fingers and toes and in the feet and toes. 12P 00 XX.XX NS

Foot, right, twitching, then calf, then thigh. Hand, left, twitching. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Sleep

Felt great on waking. 01P 02 XX.XX NS

Usually wakes at 5.00/5.30 a.m.- slept until 7.00 a.m. - slept much better than usual. 01P 02 XX.XX NS

Slept for 9 hours. Sleeping a lot more than usual. 01P 03 XX.XX NS

Woke at 7.30 a.m. - unusual. Happened several mornings. 01P 05 XX.XX NS

Woke at 4.00 a.m. 01P 09 XX.XX NS

Unusually sleepy. 02P 01 XX.XX NS

I was unusually sleepy, had to lie down and snooze.02P 01 XX.XX NS

Slept very well the last two nights. 02P 03 XX.XX NS

Woke at 4.30 a.m. and lay awake for a while. 02P 04 XX.XX NS

Woke at 3.00 a.m. - anxious, the last couple of nights. 02P 09 XX.XX NS

Woke at four in the morning. 02P 15 04.00 NS

Woke very early. 02P 19 XX.XX NS

Reasonable night although I seem to remember sleeping rather lightly. Didn't want to wake up this morning. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Tired in the evening. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

Slept like a log. 03P 03 XX.XX NS

Anxiety about sister at night preventing sleep. 03P 04 XX.XX NS

Spent ages trying to get to sleep last night worrying about sister. Then daughter woke in night with sore throat, so again lay awake for ages. 03P 05 XX.XX NS

Don't seem to be sleeping quite so soundly. Last night was OK for the first half, then I seemed to be dozing with lots of thoughts going through my mind. 03P 12 XX.XX NS

Fitful sleeping woke loads of times in the night. 03P 13 XX.XX NS

Asleep as soon as head touched the pillow and slept like a log. 03P 18 XX.XX NS

Didn't sleep particularly well, kept surfacing and being aware of time passing. 03P 25 XX.XX NS

Bad night took ages to get to sleep, then woke early and lay in bed thinking morbid and miserable thoughts. 03P 26 XX.XX NS

Had short sleep during day. 05P 07 XX.XX NS

Wake frequently with anxiety and anger. 10P 19 XX.XX NS

Felt sleepy. 11P 01 12.00 NS

Felt very, very tired -- fell asleep on the settee. 11P 03 17.00 NS

Slept better than usual for the first few days. 12P 03 XX.XX NS

Sleep disturbed by anxiety. 12P 04 XX.XX NS

Woke very tired and sleepy. 13P 03 07.15 NS

Fall asleep - can't believe I'm cat-napping at that hour of the day. 14P 03 10.00 NS

Husband is snoring, I can't sleep. Thoughts going round in my head, keep nudging husband gently. I'm not feeling at all rough or irritated. Now the snoring is irritating me and I want to box his ears like cats do. I still feel playful about this and I smile to myself and gently wake him to tell him he is snoring, he turns over and I can now sleep. 14P 07 24.00 NS

I'm feeling so sleepy, overpowering desire to sleep driving home. same as yesterday. I need my nap! 14P 08 16.00 NS

Been sleeping really well since remedy. 14P 15 XX.XX NS

Bad night's sleep. Waking up, feeling hot and itchy all over, horrible slimy things keep entering my mind. Repulsive. Sometimes feels like they are in my mouth 14P 16 XX.XX NS

Couldn't sleep because was too cold. 15P 01 XX.XX NS

Fitful sleep. Anxious sleep. Coughing through night. 15P 03 XX.XX NS

Sleepless from 2.30 a.m. - 4 a.m.. 15P 05 02.30 NS

Woke 2 a.m.. Very cold. Drifted in and out of dream like state. Wanted to be cuddled. 15P 06 02.00 NS

Woke 3.30 a.m. no reason. 15P 07 03.30 NS

After lunch I felt so tired I had to lie down immediately- left all the mess and lay down - played dead. Very unusual! 17P 02 13.00 NS

In the car the tiredness came over me again, and I got so worried that I'd just fall asleep. I was thinking if I should stop the car, but I didn't. 17P 03 13.15 NS

I was so dozy all afternoon until the early evening. 17P 04 XX.XX NS

Oh my God, I feel like I didn't sleep at all, as if I drifted in and out of sleep and awake a lot. 17P 10 XX.XX NS

Had a really bad night's sleep, very restless, kept waking up through the night. 18P 26 XX.XX NS

Really bad night, was really tired last night and went to bed at about 9:30 p.m.. Woke at midnight, went back to sleep, then woke again at about 3 a.m.. Did not go back to sleep. Got up at about 5a.m., felt shaky and very panicky about things. 18P 29 XX.XX NS

Temperature & Weather

Better from rain. 02P 07 XX.XX NS

Feel better for warmth. 03P 02 XX.XX OS

General lack of warmth. 09P 00 XX.XX NS

General lack of vital heat. 10P 00 XX.XX NS

Whole body felt very, very cold, especially hands. 11P 01 12.00 NS

Warm and relaxed. Hands and feet hot. 13P 01 17.00 NS

Warmth generally. 13P 02 XX.XX NS

My teeth are chattering I'm so cold. Move to be near radiator, lovely to feel the warmth. 14P 01 17.40 NS

Feel warmer and flushing. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

I've felt cold today - my mother didn't seem to notice the cold. Huddle up to the radiator, my nose is cold, I haven't been really warm all day. 14P 03 XX.XX NS

Felt warm inside and cold outside. Icy cold hands. Cold feet. Cold nose. Needed radiator. Took someone's jacket without asking! to cover feet up. 15P 01 17.00 NS

Sensation of heat through whole body. 15P 01 19.00 NS

Warmth hit me, physical and emotional, as soon as I arrived home. 15P 01 19.00 NS

Flush of heat 6 p.m.. Perspiration on nose. 15P 02 18.00 NS

Impression of bright blue colour, like a halo of fire or a ball of gas on fire. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Felt very still, comfortable. Hot. Face hot and flushed. 16P 01 17.00 NS

Ball of fire inside body, warm everywhere, except freezing feet. 16P 01 19.00 NS

Heat in face and throat and chest as last night. 16P 03 22.30 NS

I feel like I'm getting warmer inside (whole body). 17P 01 17.00 NS

Feel very warm, hands are really dry and warm. 17P 01 22.00 NS

Heat and cold alternating all day! 17P 02 XX.XX NS

When I came in at 16:45 I felt like ice. Ice -cold. 17P 03 16.45 NS

I started to feel too warm and over-heated as the evening went on, I asked my husband whether he thought it was a "bit warm" in the house, and he said that he was finding it a bit cold. 18P 01 18.30 NS

Skin

Skin very sensitive to touch. 02P 05 XX.XX NS

Psoriasis better than usual. 05P 11 XX.XX CS

Hives on left side of face. Itchy and red with white spots. Hives at the point where collar bones meet. 13P 02 XX.XX NS

Whilst away on holiday in Greece experienced a nasty reaction to sun/sun cream. I was covered : arms, legs, neck but not face, in a raised nettle rash. Very itchy and red. Small blisters under the surface lasting three days and gradually subsiding. Accompanied by lethargy and better for cold drinks. This was an unusual reaction. I have had this rash as a reaction to soap products before but this time it was very intense and all over. Any sunshine made it worse. 13P 24 XX.XX NS

Wart drops off. 14P 06 XX.XX NS

Very itchy on shoulders, a bit on head, elbows, no eruption. 14P 11 XX.XX NS

Friend said: you have got the most beautiful radiant skin - whatever your proving, I want some too! 17P 02 XX.XX NS

Skin still looks very healthy, as if I'd been out and about in the sunny fresh air.- I wasn't. 17P 04 XX.XX NS

Eruption left side of neck, very itchy, eruption on lower right arm, looks like a flea bite, raised, very itchy. Now it has gone down, but it is still surrounded by a tear shaped pattern. 17P 13 XX.XX NS

Generals

Better at 7.00 p.m. 01P 01 XX.XX NS

Realize worst time of day is early morning and late afternoon. 02P 16 XX.XX NS

Energy dropping fast 3 p.m.. Desired tea as pick-me-up. 03P 02 15.00 NS

Feel better after supper - food has helped. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Aching all over. Flagging and exhausted in afternoon. Feeling shakey and crammed a doughnut in my mouth. Shaky desired sugar. 03P 02 XX.XX NS

Energy dropped again 3.30 having lifted in morning. 03P 03 15.30 NS

Positive energy for a continuous stretch. 03P 17 XX.XX NS

Muscles and joints achy all over. 05P 01 XX.XX NS

Heavy during afternoon and aching joints by evening - like a sudden change for the worse. Surprised to be feeling like this. 05P 27 XX.XX OS

Much worse between 4 and 6 P.M.. 08P 03 16.00 NS

Body feels very weary, though not heavier. 08P 03 17.30 NS

Lassitude and weariness. 09P 00 15.30 NS

Things feel quite an effort 10P 01 XX.XX NS

I feel extreme weariness. I'm not able to perform any jobs. I have seen a counsellor of this afternoon, and had cried - it was very emotionally tiring. 11P 08 XX.XX OS

Take the remedy, taste of aniseed and alcohol. My hands, feet and nose growing colder, start to feel trembly (just like before I went into labour each time) really trembly. 14P 01 17.00 NS

Feeling of containment, tightness of head, tightness of skin as if it is a snug fit. 14P 01 20.30 NS

Dropping clothes as I'm ironing. 14P 02 XX.XX NS

I've been clumsy tonight, dropping things, they just seem to slip through my fingers. Remember I kept knocking into people today. 14P 03 XX.XX NS

I feel really tired now, just want to curl up and sleep. Get nice hot cup of tea, banana and crisps, go up to younger son's room and lie down next to him watching his programmes and nod off. Cushioned by his quilt and pillows, the radiator throwing out the heat by my head. 14P 07 17.00 NS

I have a hangover! 14P 10 08.00 NS

As soon as I get in the car as a passenger, I want the windows open, the air on my face, keep yawning and sighing, puffing out of my mouth every now and then. Reminds me of dogs I've seen that can't stand being in the car and want to hang their heads out of the window as the car goes along. 14P 15 XX.XX NS

All symptoms better for open air. 15P 05 XX.XX NS

Terrific sense of tiredness. Nausea. Low. Desire wine. 15P 06 14.00 NS

Lay in tight ball. 15P 07 09.00 NS

Went to Sainsbury's in the afternoon. Feeling a bit tired towards the end of shopping but by the time I got home (4.30) feeling very tired, legs weak and wobbly, like 'flu coming on, and slightly sore throat. It got worse - feeling weak, heavy, tired and achy (especially neck and across shouders). Felt as though my legs would buckle beneath me. Lasted until bedtime - 11 p.m.. 16P 07 XX.XX NS

Feeling weak and wobbly, like my legs will buckle underneath me. Similar to 7 days ago. 16P 14 XX.XX NS

Yesterday before I fell asleep I pushed the curtain aside and laid my head in a position so that the full moon shone on me, and that felt really soothing. 17P 10 XX.XX NS

Sensations

Four days before taking remedy: Had sensation of a small damp patch on mid R. thigh. Kept standing up to check if there was wet on trousers or seat. 15P 00 XX.XX NS

Sensation of heat but then intense cold moving up central chest into throat - as of a peppermint/burning. 15P 07 09.00 NS

Feel heavy and hot overall, as if I'd burst out of this skin. 17P 13 XX.XX NS

MIND

DREAMS

PHYSICALS