The Homœopathic Proving of
Reindeer Moss
Cladonia Rangiferina
Materia Medica
Half way through the afternoon, I began to feel very detached and insecure - very small. No-one here really likes me much. I shouldn't be here. Felt very, very depressed and on the verge of tears. 01P 03 5:00 NS
Began the drive home - had the sensation of a lump in my chest and throat as if about to cry. Felt very, very low and underconfident. Very small and insecure. Wanted to cry. 01P 03 7.00 NS
Feeling tearful & depressed again. Very cold & shaky. Underconfident. Small. Anxious. Can't face doing anything, but don't know what to do - don't feel like doing anything, even watching TV seems like too much effort. A friend rang - I could hardly speak to her - as if I had no life, no energy. Voice only just under control, close to tears for the whole conversation. I feel convinced that I will never feel happy or confident or well again. 01P 16 6.00 NS
Feel lonely and fed up. I'm tired of doing all the parenting on my own, I feel like I'm not equipped for it, working blind all the time and the goalposts keep moving. 05P 25 XX.XX NS
Burst into tears when spoke to supervisor and found it hard to stop sobbing throughout call. Felt very weak and over emotional. Felt better after crying. Was looking for and better for sympathy. Followed boyfriend around flat all evening. Didn't want to be on own. 07P 28 XX.XX NS
Low confidence - even worse than usual. Don't even feel that I have the ability to leave the job. 13P 09 XX.XX NS
Feel self-conscious and uncertain when round at a friend's house where there are lots of people. 15P 13 XX.XX NS
Went for a walk in a place where I did not like the atmosphere and even looked behind me several times to see if I was being followed - I didn't feel safe. 02P 20 XX.XX NS
I watched some boys, tease my son and call him fatty, I watched it and mentioned it to the mum next to me, they stopped when they realised I was watching them. I felt for my son, I had gone through this as a child - this was my stuff. The other mum said to talk to the kids mothers about it but I couldn't bring myself to, I was scared. I was the child again on the playground. I did speak to the teacher. I came home angry and upset. 05P 25 XX.XX NS
Emotional in the evening and especially if talking about symptoms, better for company and affection. Feel that this is an old emotional state being stirred up - feels familiar. Strange that came on so suddenly after migraine on Monday - feels as though the floor has been pulled out from underneath me and I can't get a grip on anything. Feel very helpless and vulnerable. Want to stop proving but feel I haven't the power to do so myself, also feel guilty about stopping. Really feel that I need permission to do so. 07P 29 XX.XX NS
Most of the day felt 'shaky' physically and mentally. Tears nearer to the surface than usual. Felt feverish (no temperature) - would like to be at home. 08P 03 XX.XX NS
Not really aware of anything until afternoon break. Have a cold feeling inside - for some reason it reminds me of when I was a teenager - that feeling of not quite belonging, feeling vulnerable, feeling different somehow. I feel like I want to put on a nice fluffy all in one suit, zip it up and curl up alone somewhere. 10P 02 4:.3:0 NS
Such a lack of confidence that I resorted to anger to protect my embarrassment and fear of failure. Felt like a child back in school again. Upset after row with father. Cried like a child. 13P 18 XX.XX NS
Extremely emotional and weepy - felt so sorry for myself that I wanted to cry. 13P 36 XX.XX NS
Have noticed that I'm very sensitive to the sight of blood, cruelty, don't want to watch the T.V. violence - more so than usual. 17P 16 XX.XX NS
Want to run away and hide. Supposed to call supervisor, didn't, don't want to talk. Withdrawing - to talk will make me vulnerable - may be rejected. 17P 20 XX.XX NS
Feel very shaky, small, fragile, breaking. I'm going to get hurt. Am I making mistakes? 17P 20 XX.XX NS
Nearly had 2 crashes in the car today, not my fault (honestly) always right hand approach - drivers going to fast - I keep saying to myself "I don't believe this, can't they see me or something". 10P 05 XX.XX NS
Having eaten too much feel full, fat and bloated. Feel very tense, anxious and a little depressed without any discernible cause. 03P 07 XX.XX NS
Feeling of tremendous anxiety and dread, anything I think of that I need to do today feel to be too much and I can't cope with it. Feel quite depressed and de-motivated. 03P 14 8.00 NS
Suddenly became extremely anxious, almost a panic attack, I could hardly write I was shaking so much. 03P 14 XX.XX NS
Shiver / feeling of hair standing on end of right side shoulder, neck and scalp for a couple of minutes. Intense anxiety, severe pain deep in chest, radiating down the insides of both arms and up into neck and scalp, leading to oesophageal spasm and pain and difficulty in swallowing and inability to speak. 03P 14 XX.XX OS
Everyone was speaking into the video camera about the past month's symptoms, there was no way I could have spoken even off camera. This anxiety is so intense I think it should be called fear, even terror. 03P 30 XX.XX NS
Woke in morning and started panicking that eczema was going to spread (normal for me to be anxious about this). I had to stop myself getting carried away with the anxiety and in my mind I shouted at myself to shut-up. 07P 13 XX.XX OS
Wake up in a panic about my health. Feel I should really start to worry about the smoking and drinking. I've conveniently managed to forget about smoking being a problem because I'm not coughing so violently at the moment. But I do have lots of greeny yellowy phlegm in the morning. 15P 14 XX.XX OS
Feeling freaked out - about life, diet, being toxic, not having any money, not doing any homework, well freaked out about just about everything really.15P 39 XX.XX NS
Felt very detached, separate, not really there, for the whole journey home. 01P 03 8.00 NS
Felt very distant and detached during my study-group. Tired, vague & not quite there. Felt separated from the others, as if watching the class through a window. 01P 06 12.00 NS
Ate little food for lunch then walked in the garden alone, wanted to be alone, felt I could not 'connect' with people. 03P 03 XX.XX NS
Didn't like bright lights or loud music or busy places (civilisation) all weekend. 14P 03 XX.XX NS
Feel distanced from the world. Heavy and numbed but hurting. Head feels very heavy, pressing pain on top of head, feels like dead wood. Body feels like dead wood, like a cut-down tree - lumber. 14P 11 XX.XX NS
Feel distant. Detached. Want to be left alone, want to go to bed and curl up alone. Feel quite ill, can't get warm. 17P 02 XX.XX NS
A strong feature was the way in which I dealt with being on my own. Normally something I am perfectly comfortable with, I have felt very isolated and uncomfortable whenever I have been alone throughout the proving. 02P 00 XX.XX NS
Just realised that I'm better for company. That's why I wasn't enjoying shopping and why I'm phoning people all the time. 05P 26 XX.XX NS
Looked up at group and it felt like everyone was a stranger - I was not connected with them. Felt very ill at ease. 07P 01 7.00 NS
Didn't want to look anyone in the eye. Once everyone started talking again felt more comfortable with the situation. 07P 01 7.00 NS
Others in the class seem smaller, further away. 17P 01 8.00 NS
Extremely sleepy, drowsy, with great difficulty concentrating all afternoon. My mind kept wandering of, couldn't focus it on what we were meant to be doing, couldn't focus on what the Lecturer was saying. 01P 02 5.00 NS
Very confused feeling - just can't settle to my work at all. Can't think about even basic organisational things, such as where I've filed certain papers, or how to approach the homework question, even though I've done loads of similar questions before with no problems. Foggy. Confused. Can't concentrate. 01P 08 4.00 NS
Sensation of not being quite grounded/reality being distorted. 02P 02 XX.XX NS
Thought part of pattern on duvet was really something on the bed. 02P 08 XX.XX NS
Misread some letters on a van - realised this is about the third time I've done this in the last week. 02P 09 XX.XX NS
Misread 'also' for 'alas'. 02P 12 XX.XX OS
Spoonerism on the 'phone to mother tonight - 'mats and rice' instead of 'rats and mice'. 02P 21 XX.XX OS
Absent-minded: drove down a one-way street the wrong way. 02P 42 XX.XX NS
Feel disjointed, I can't concentrate or focus on anything, my mind is running and jumping along like a butterfly or bee touching every flower on the way and achieving nothing. I feel that there is so much to do I just don't know where to start. I have been off work this week on hols. and I have not done the things I was looking forward to doing. I feel 'blocked', there is always a 'wall' between me and what I want to do. 03P 08 XX.XX OS
My perception of time isn't good, feels like I've been ages somewhere, when in fact only 10 or 15 minutes. 05P 27 XX.XX NS
Fuzzy headed in supermarket - got confused easily. Music playing and tills bleeping all merged together - felt absorbed by it. 07P 01 8.00 NS
My writing and spelling are awful, making mistakes in words. Trouble keeping words on the line in my notebook they go up and. down and I can hardly do joined up writing without thinking about how to join it up. Usually fluent and neat writer and good speller. 09P 02 XX.XX NS
Looking at the carpet, I wasn't sure if it was close or far. 13P 01 8.00 NS
Effort to do anything. Completely disorganized. Things keep happening unexpectedly and I can't seem to plan. 13P 22 XX.XX NS
Since the beginning of the proving my sense of time has completely gone. Usually I don't wear a watch but I have a very good sense of the time. Now I have no idea most of the time and it is irrelevant. It is almost an irritation to have to bother with it. It feels like a very "human" thing and not relevant to me. 14P 02 XX.XX NS
Feels as though my body clock is at odds with the remedy. 14P 06 6:.4:5 NS
Forgetful - carried a letter up to the village to post & forgot to do so, despite being in the Post Office! Carried it back towards home & posted it on the way, but then 2 minutes later couldn't remember whether I'd posted it or not. 01P 05 XX.XX NS
Supervisor commented that I was absent-minded/forgetful which made me realise that I am not trusting my memory as much as usual and am concerned about writing down important things 02P 15 XX.XX NS
Couldn't remember characters in a novel I've been reading each day for the last week or so. Forgot to pay supervisor today until the last minute then forgot where I had put my handbag an hour or so earlier - she commented on my absent-mindedness. 02P 21 XX.XX NS
Lost supervisor's phone no. today, Can't find discs anywhere tonight. 02P 28 XX.XX NS
Forgetful of words when talking, know what I want to say, just can't find the right words. 05P 22 XX.XX NS
Bit forgetful, I baked soda bread without putting the soda in (I bake my own soda bread 2 or 3 times a week, I could do it in my sleep usually). 05P 24 XX.XX NS
Evening - concentration lapses whilst working. Totally drift off every now and then. 07P 11 XX.XX NS
Keep losing things, keys etc. Keep ferreting about in bags and pockets, can't find things that were there a moment ago. 14P 02 XX.XX NS
Have realised am more forgetful/distracted, e.g. go to do something then not sure that I have done it, though I usually have. I have no memory of doing it. Therefore am needing to spend a lot of time checking I have done things, e.g. closing windows. 14P 17 XX.XX NS
Lost car keys. Checked for keys before leaving college. Had left keys on kitchen table. 17P 01 8.00 NS
Spilt a mug of coffee I didn't see all down left leg. Bag of apples fell off checkout in supermarket. Left purse at home when I went shopping. 02P 05 12.00 NS
Clumsy, made worse when people were watching me. Felt that eyes were on me at all times. 13P 09 XX.XX OS
Feel clumsy - always stumbling and dropping things. 13P 12 XX.XX NS
Whilst trying to get herbs from the top of the cupboard, I slip and fall onto the floor. This all happens in slow motion. I fall on my right buttock. Shocked and shaken, very giggly and shaky. Later on my own I feel very shaky and weepy. I feel like I'm still on the kitchen floor. Feel horrid and black and without hope. 15P 28 XX.XX NS
Felt quite lonely on arriving back home; desired company, and a partner. 02P 38 XX.XX NS
A strong feeling during the proving, which has remained, was of a very deep bond with my husband, that I couldn't exist without him. There was a fear that I would lose him, thet he would leave me, and a jealousy that was totally irrational, that something would divide us and I would not be able to exist without him. 17P 00 XX.XX NS
Episode of real jealousy in the evening. It seemed really out of context something that would normally go over my head just made me see red. Partner seemed quite shocked at the way I was questioning him over a woman that he had been working with. I was making out that he was keeping things from me - deep inside I knew he wasn't and that it was all nonsense but somehow I couldn't seem to stop myself pursuing this jealous thing. 10P 19 XX.XX NS
This evening partner and I sitting chatting and for some reason I start to feel really jealous of everyone that he knows and talks about. It is so abstract - but I can't stop myself feeling it. He says to me what has got into you these days with your petty jealousy. I seem to come out of it and agree with him that it is really stupid and childish! 10P 34 XX.XX NS
Reading in the study - look around twice during the morning as I am sure I can feel someone's presence behind me. Aware of a lot of strange creaking and cracking sounds around the house. Again lots of jealous thoughts - imagining lots of situations where partner is being unfaithful to me. It just seems to come out of the blue and again logically I know there is no foundation for these thoughts but I just can't seem to stop them when they come. 10P 40 XX.XX NS
Jealousy - unfounded and foolish. The feeling is there's only room for two, him and me. Jealousy with a pain in the centre of the chest. 12P 00 XX.XX NS
Felt very upset again by female friend's attitude, style, behaviour on Friday evening. Felt she had been attempting "intellectual sex" with boyfriend. Re-heard her saying "I was worried you felt left out" as really "I wanted to push you out". Saw her as a predatory female - Shiva - sex and destruction. Felt displaced and needing my nest. 14P 10 XX.XX NS
Feel annoyed with the friend who keeps asking me for things. She hangs around with my boyfriend and I, asks me again for tobacco and wine, and then won't leave. Once the wine is finished, she asks if there is any more, and then asks for more tobacco. Dreamt that boyfriend and the friend were trying to have an affair, but that I was in the way. Dreamt that boyfriend and I were trying to have sex, but we were looking after someone's baby (it was a big, ugly baby). Boyfriend tried to shut the baby out on the landing at the top of the stairs. I wouldn't let him, in case it fell down the stairs. 15P 21 XX.XX NS
Asked Partner about who he was meeting on Friday, he merely said "a friend". Feel rejected, not trusted, reminds me of previous husbands tricks. 17P 20 XX.XX NS
Feel neglected - that partner has no time for me. Confess my worries about his meeting "the friend" to my partner. He explains and I feel silly, but still unsure. 17P 21 XX.XX NS
Partner went to see "the friend" was back in 10 minutes - very strange I think, still suspicious feeling. Can sense something - don't know what. 17P 22 XX.XX NS
Very jealous of cat on partner's lap. 17P 23 XX.XX NS
Listened to a favourite CD while doing yoga. The songs are beautiful, but all to do with relationships breaking up. I was so drawn into the music, I became convinced the songs were about my situation, convinced that my relationship was crumbling, (even though we're actually extremely happy). Felt a heaviness & pain in the heart region, as though I really were going through something terrible, heartbreaking. Despite the music making me feel so overwhelmingly sad, I had no desire to turn it off - even though I knew this would probably help. Once the CD finished, my mood lifted again & I was no longer sad. 01P 10 7.00 NS
Allow myself to dwell on old failed disastrous relationship I had when I used to garden for a living. I've not wanted or allowed myself to dwell on this before or explore feelings. 04P 22 XX.XX NS
Woke feeling desolate about boyfriend leaving. Is it worth the pain? He said, "At least you can cry". Both sad. I feel OK to cry, which isn't usual. Usually I try and bottle it up. 14P 10 XX.XX NS
Feel like I want to finish it with boyfriend. Feel very very low and weepy. Stay in bed reading until 8.00am. Would like to stay in bed and not bother with anything or anyone. Feel resentful that it is not an option. Feel it would be best to finish with him, see the years stretching out unloved, uncared for etc. Whatever usually feeds our long-distance relationship wasn't around this time, not enough time for us, always busy. Very tearful, weepy, feel I have lost all my self-confidence. 14P 11 XX.XX NS
Went to view a house and partner suggested that we might need to live apart so that he can keep his rented home going and I move into the one we buy with my children - to keep his council tenancy. I am furious and hurt. It feels like keeping his 2 Bedroom council house is more important than us all being together in a bigger place. 17P 22 XX.XX NS
Feel insecure, unloved, worry about being misjudged by partner (he read my proving diary). He's angry with me I feel, although he says he is not. I want to run away. I want the proving to stop. Its ruining my life, my thoughts. 17P 34 XX.XX NS
Suspiciousness is worse on Sundays. I feel suicidal. 12P 00 XX.XX NS
Suspicious of others' motives - someone is waiting to jump into my shoes. 12P 00 XX.XX NS
Feeling like I'm being 'got at' by others. 15P 03 XX.XX NS
Suspicious, I feel that plans are being hatched, traps are being laid. 17P 00 XX.XX NS
Think that people are trying to trick me - test me, suspicious. 17P 20 XX.XX NS
Have an argument with husband about his high social life, whilst I am left at home to do all the work and ferry the children. Still have the feeling of refusing to be dumped on unless it suits me. 09P 08 XX.XX NS
Something interesting that I must note (because for me it seems to link in with a theme that I have experienced during the proving - namely "all is not what it seems". Two days prior to the proving a woman in a green landrover reversed over my car - she wasn't looking in her mirror and admitted this fact, she apologised and gave me her name and address. Andy was in the car with me and so was a witness to this. She admitted she had just got the landrover and didn't know how to drive it yet! So everything seemed straightforward - phoned up my insurance co. reported the accident and gave them her details, got my car repaired, paid the excess and sent off my receipts to my insurance company for what should be a straight forward open and shut claim. Not so it seems. The legal people have now written to me saying they are having difficulty with may claim, as she has now put in a counter-claim. They have passed it on to a solicitor and there may be a court case! I really can't believe this. I feel like I have been duped, stitched up, a real sense of injustice here. The solicitors want me to sign all sorts of papers and waivers to get information about me! I am incensed. I just want to forget the whole thing but if I do it looks as though I am admitting liability. You will see why I have included this whole incident as it resonates for me with what the main focus of the proving has been for me at least. 10P 00 XX.XX NS
Woke suddenly at 6.45am. Feeling very connected to boyfriend like his alarm had gone off for work. Lay in bed thinking about Friday night and female friend. Feel very hurt, upset and angry. Thoughts of women as predatory and not safe. The survival of the fittest. A feeling that I can't be bothered any more. I'd just like to be dead. People do not give respect to each other, they take advantage and put each other down. I don't like it. I feel it keenly at the moment. It hurts. I feel like I don't want to give anyone any bother, just do what I can to get along, to be OK, help each other out, but feel an outcast and not part of. Feel very unfortunate, even though objectively many good things have been happening in my life recently. I don't feel part of this tricksy clever computer email age. 14P 11 XX.XX NS
Feel very anti boyfriend. Feel used, picked up and put down again. Feel very resentful. There is nothing objectively to support it viewed in one way but it is my feeling response. I feel angry. I would like to say it's all over, let's forget it but also feel now is not the time to react. Am finding it hard to work, concentrate. I hate him so much and want to finish it. I would like to scream. There is nowhere to put it. 14P 18 XX.XX NS
Irritated by company, need to be on my own. Get very cold when the fire goes out. I have lent my blanket to someone else in the class and now feel that I can't ask for it back. Feel irritated that she doesn't notice how cold I am. 15P 02 XX.XX NS
Boyfriend makes me breakfast. Keep feeling 'where's the love in that?' everytime he looks at me. I look for some sign of love and there is none - just cold, shark eyes from him. I tell him that I feel no love emanating from him. Feel annoyed when he shows me affection just before I leave, because now I can't storm out. Boyfriend sends me email at work asking if I say these things to get a rise out of him. Feel heartless, mistreated and misunderstood. 15P 06 XX.XX NS
Someone who I vaguely know calls up and says he wants to come round now to see the spare room to rent in our house. He's very pushy and I feel annoyed and bullied by him. After he's left I feel very wired and strangely violated by him - like he's just barged his way in through the front door. I want him to call back so that I can tell him to fuck off. Feeling wired and panicky. Ready to stand up for myself. Wish I could kick box. I feel like I'm standing up for myself more, but in an irrational, inappropriate way. 15P 07 9.00 NS
Fed up with a certain friend who keeps asking me to do her 'favours'. She always asks for something within 10 seconds of seeing me. The phone rings twice and I don't answer it because I think it might be her. 15P 07 XX.XX NS
Boyfriend offers to pay for his own lunch in café and I refuse to accept it, but wish I had, because I only feel annoyed afterwards. 15P 18 XX.XX NS
Have been feeling upset with friend all day. Eventually I ring boyfriend to explain how I feel about her. Then I feel immediately bad for having said anything about her. Realise that it's my stuff that I can't say no to her, or to anyone for that matter. She asks me for things and I say yes. I can't expect her to second guess me, especially when I've already said that it's okay. 15P 22 XX.XX NS
Boyfriend wakes me with tea and sexual advances. I feel very much in the mood to have sex, but feel indignant when it becomes clear that he only wants me to make him come. I feel he's a selfish fuck - literally. Angry, pissed off, leave without saying goodbye. Feeling taken very taken for granted by friends and by boyfriend. Have this feeling of 'fuck everyone else' - I should just do what I want to do. Nothing's going to change until I do something about it. Feel like stomping everywhere. Don't want to get involved sexually with boyfriend anymore, all give and no take make a frustrated girl. 15P 42 XX.XX NS
Nosed in the chest of drawers at the B&B. 02P 01 XX.XX NS
We arrive in B&B kitchen and I start to look inside all the tins that in the kitchen. She has a table with lots of different coloured tins that probably had biscuits or chocolates in them at one time. Some of them are very pretty. I am opening them and looking inside. Then I open her freezer and start pulling out drawers in the freezer. What am I doing, this is just not me? It is like I want to know what is inside. 10P 01 9.00 NS
On the way to work I'm suddenly very curious about the walled gardens of the houses lining on of the streets. It feels like I need to know what's behind the walls. Wish I was a cat walking along the walls from one walled garden to the next. Get to work without even noticing that I'm there. 15P 07 XX.XX NS
Had a long conversation about material possessions, the environment etc. Thinking a lot about materialism and things; want to clear out stuff I don't use. 02P 21 XX.XX NS
Annoyed by people talking about money. (Provers diary contains many references to money). 02P 30 XX.XX NS
Gamble £7 on the horses (the Cheltenham Gold Cup). Haven't gambled for years. Booked to have my hair permed. Spending money I shouldn't spend. Really thinking about getting a modern computer and getting on the net. All of a sudden it's very important for me to get high tech. Feel very lucky, like I'm the luckiest person in the world. 05P 35 XX.XX NS
Evening - itching left hand between index finger and thumb, keep scratching it, lasts about 20 minutes then right palm gets really itchy. Makes me think of they saying about money coming to you 10P 27 XX.XX NS
My son wants to take his wallet into school & share his money with his friends. Money issues carried on all day. 12P 03 XX.XX NS
Golden yellow has attracted my attention this evening, and seems to be more obvious than other colours. 02P 01 XX.XX NS
More stuff on gold - did work on a case where Aurum had been given, also I picked an Aurum card randomly. Given gold carrier bag I had admired by fellow student. 02P 03 XX.XX NS
Sang a new song with 'gold' in it. 02P 05 XX.XX NS
Noticing all the shiny objects about, taps, door knobs, my bracelet. 17P 02 XX.XX NS
Very, very anxious about money again.Getting hot flushes at the thought of money - how much we've been spending lately (even though it's all been on necessities). Panicky. 01P 12 XX.XX OS
A gypsy called selling cotton mats and I said I couldn't afford one so she reduced the price then I didn't have enough cash. I was embarrassed and went to the bank afterwards because I felt really uncomfortable. I drove round for almost an hour looking for her because I regretted not buying anything but I couldn't find her. She left me thinking a lot about her lifestyle and my attitude to money - I'm sure I should have bought one of her mats. I felt quite churned up about it for the rest of the day 02P 18 XX.XX NS
I feel easily upset, fragile and weepy. Extremely anxious about money - I'm running out! On being presented with the Access bill I experienced rapid heart rate, feeling of stress, trembling, dry mouth, desire to open bowels, slight nausea. 03P 05 XX.XX NS
My old fears and insecurities about money are coming back - yet I am spending money I shouldn't. Not like me at all. 05P 19 XX.XX NS
Went to a charity shop and took a book without paying for it. Very out of character. No moral value attached. 14P 07 XX.XX NS
Pay 20p back to charity shop where I took the book. Feels more like balancing things out than conscience/guilt. Very matter-of-fact. Very odd for me, brought up to feel guilty. It's not that I've become amoral or immoral, no-one's values apply. I'm just reacting, acting differently. I feel involved and not involved, part of and not part of. I can wear brightly coloured earrings today. I have a perfect right to exist. 14P 14 XX.XX NS
For my piece of mind I have to record something that I have been aware of all through the proving. It may be nothing. It is magpies. A few days before the proving started a Magpie actually sat outside my window looking into my study. It gave me a real fright at the time. I am just so aware of them all the time. I can guarantee that every time I look out of my window - there he is one single magpie either hopping over the road or just sitting in front of me. Weird. 10P 00 XX.XX NS
Fiddled with my ring a lot this evening. 02P 01 XX.XX NS
One of our regular customers came in and I immediately noticed a new gold (wedding) ring on her ring finger. As I served her it came out in conversation that she had been recently married, last Saturday - the ring was new. 11P 04 XX.XX NS
Feel panicky and very anxious, trapped, as if I can't do anything, afraid to move - as if afraid what ever I do is wrong and inviting punishment. 03P 07 XX.XX OS
I've felt guilty for the past two weeks, seemingly addicted to a stupid game on the computer which I keep switching into instead of working. This is not what I do! I'm still doing it and trying to hide it from my family and not even telling my proving supervisor; it's too embarrassing. 04P 21 XX.XX NS
Saw another parent at school, moaning to her, wasn't interested in her problems I just offloaded onto her. I felt guilty afterwards. 05P 22 XX.XX NS
Feeling of being slightly out of it. Don't feel in control - want to run away from work before get told off for any mistakes. 07P 05 XX.XX NS
Went to see homeopath and felt very faint and spaced out whilst talking to her, sunken in chair. Easy to cry, feel frustrated and want symptoms to go away. Feel as though I am winging to everyone about this and at the same time feel guilty, as though I am telling lies to get out of proving. Felt frustrated that was going to have to wait for a remedy. 07P 30 XX.XX NS
The water has been off all day for maintenance in the area. I've been feeling filthy, grimy, dirty, diseased, itchy. Really, really want to get clean, but there hasn't been even any cold water, let alone any for a bath. I feel disgusting. I stink. I repulse myself. Water finally back on - had bath. The water was soothing. Felt slightly better, able to get dressed & face leaving the house. 01P 13 XX.XX NS
The house is untidy and dirty, I'm getting no help with cleaning and cooking (but I'm not asking for it and don't feel I should have to lower myself to ask). 04P 15 XX.XX NS
Generally untidy and unmotivated - my desk is in a terrible mess and the flat is very untidy but it's not bothering me (unusual). 07P 15 XX.XX NS
Realised that the last two weekends my flatmates' parents have been to stay and I didn't get remotely house-proud beforehand. The flat had been very full, cluttered and in a mess and it hadn't bothered me at all (very unusual). 07P 20 XX.XX NS
Strange thing is that I do not want to bath and wash as much as usual. Usually bath every other day and strip wash or shower every day, but I do not fancy lying in the bath or even having a shower. I do not want to undress and get colder. 09P 00 XX.XX NS
Drank too much wine. Pissed in a saucepan in the kitchen (not one I use for cooking!) because I wanted to carry on listening to something on the radio. I feel beyond morals, conventions, just doing what I want. Eating when I feel like it, not bothering much with cooking. 14P 16 XX.XX NS
Very conscious of bits off fluff on my clothes must pick them off,, never realised before that they were there. 09P 01 XX.XX NS
Very fidgety, especially feet. Picking at clothes - pulling the dog hairs out of my jumper, feel as if I'm looking for fleas! Even wanted to pick the hairs out of my neighbour's socks. 11P 01 7:.30 NS
Decided to have another bath - the idea of being in lots of hot, soothing water seems like a good one -the only thing I can think of which even vaguely appeals. 01P 16 XX.XX NS
Polished furniture today (unusual). 02P 07 XX.XX NS
Finished sorting out kitchen then moved on to other cupboards, clearing out games, books, clothes etc. 02P 24 XX.XX NS
Continued clearing out my home, wanting to get rid of 'stuff'. Burned old love letters etc. from past. 02P 34 XX.XX NS
Cleaned through house this afternoon. Utterly exhausted, feel I can hardly keep my eyes open and I ache all over again. 03P 11 XX.XX NS
Urge to move furniture and pictures around - carried it out. Pleased with the results. 08P 04 11.00 NS
Found myself cleaning and tidying son's bedroom. 08P 06 XX.XX NS
Very efficient and single minded. Organised my jobs for the day before the school run and going straight to town to sort out banking, etc. Instead of beings involved in every last detail of everyone's lives I am just getting on with any things. 09P 04 XX.XX NS
Wearing smarter, closer fitting clothes. 13P 16 XX.XX NS
Wanted to stay in bed but also wanted to sort out cupboard. House feels stuffily nesty after the winter. Opened all the windows, threw stuff away, sorted, made space. Still feel very disinterested in food and having to fend for me and daughter and any friends. Feel really resistant to all domestic stuff. The whole business of shopping and cooking and preparing meals was something I didn't want to know about. I enjoyed food if it was put in front of me, but mostly didn't bother with it. 14P 12 XX.XX NS
Woke early and very alert, got up and did some work. 16P 04 XX.XX NS
Feel kind of restless to do something, but I don't know what. Feel that things are moving slowly. I feel frustrated - I want to clean and purify everything. Even the rain is a burden, and I usually love the rain. I feel like there is a fog over everything and I cannot see properly. Feel in limbo. 13P 17 XX.XX NS
Night time: Restless. I awoke angry and frustrated. I felt seething and wanted to burn everything to purify it all. Felt angry at myself for letting people walk all over me. Felt pathetic - the anger took over the fear. Seemed to see the bigger picture a lot more clearly from an objective point of view. 13P 22 XX.XX NS
I want to lead a clean life, have lots of fresh air and exercise but not swimming. Really don't like the idea of cold cool or tepid water. 14P 12 XX.XX NS
Two other provers and I go to a beautiful expensive restaurant Need to be civilized. The thought of fast food, bright lights and supermarkets is horrible and unnecessary, as these places can be avoided. Need beauty and refinement. 15P 01 9.00 NS
Immediately after taking the remedy I had the sensation in both arms as if I'd over-stretched my muscles in the upper arms, with trembling. I also had a pain in my back, right thoracic region, again as if I'd over-stretched it. I had the image of monkeys swinging in the trees. Had an irresistible urge to go skipping! 11P 01 7:.3:0 NS
Spoke to husband on 'phone - he said that I sounded frisky, which sums up how I've been feeling all evening. I want to be naughty, mischievous. 11P 01 1.00 NS
More daring and jesting in class. 13P 00 XX.XX NS
It has occurred to me that my mother chooses to say the things she says and treat me as she does. This has never happened to me before, it is a revelation - I have decided that I won't put up with that treatment anymore. 05P 22 XX.XX NS
More emotional than usual - trouble with mother - feel like rejecting her when she needs help as she does at the moment. 08P 06 XX.XX NS
Will not do anything unless I want to do it: do not argue or shout just look at the person and carry on with my own work. Haughty. 09P 07 XX.XX NS
More outspoken and less diplomatic than usual. Met a teacher from my daughter's old school and told her why daughter had left instead of the usual platitudes. 09P 08 XX.XX NS
At work today I feel as if I am being unfairly treated. I feel really annoyed about it and later I go to her to put the record straight. I almost feel like I don't care about the consequences. My normal reaction would have been just to have been annoyed but thought oh well never mind its not worth getting worked up about but for some reason I couldn't just leave it like that this time. I feel like I am just expressing myself as I feel it rather than filtering it out as much as I usually do. It feels quite liberating. 10P 25 XX.XX NS
Say something really quite nasty to Partner. He gets up out of bed and he is complaining about his back which is quite painful at the moment. I say "oh you will just have to accept it, let's face it you have got your mother's bones and joints so there's not a lot going for you". He was really upset and said "your nasty tongue is like a sword, cutting to the quick.." I feel a bit sorry for saying what I did but at the same time I feel really impatient and just want to say what comes to mind spontaneously without filtering it out- normally I would not have let myself say that. 10P 27 XX.XX NS
Again just speaking my feelings direct to people today
in general without really filtering out,
usually worried that I might offend or upset people with what I say so filter
it but just not bothering to do so at the moment. 10P 30 XX.XX NS
I feel more carefree with what I say. I am not choosing my words so cautiously. 13P 05 XX.XX NS
Proving has so far seemed to be an exaggeration of my own ongoing stuff - issues with confrontation and standing up for myself. Being able to accept who I am and feeling free to be me. 13P 29 XX.XX OS
Realise that I will not be bullied or intimidated when driving though feel very relaxed and prepared to let things go the rest of the time. 14P 39 XX.XX NS
Feel very in control. Feel able to control the love valve so that I'm not pouring out unconditional love. Feel much more able to stand up for myself. Funny how wonderfully healthy conditional love feels -"I'll love you if you love me" type thing. 15P 11 XX.XX NS
Very restless around music - need to tap to it and wanted to dance (unusual for me). 02P 01 XX.XX NS
Felt I was pacing like an animal. 13P 01 1.00 NS
Desperate need to get a new job. Feel like I need a long holiday. Need to move into new house and make a fresh start. 13P 10 XX.XX OS
Daughter poorly. Feel totally trapped in house. 14P 46 XX.XX NS
Easily irritated by small things - not being able to fit something into the fridge, knocking something over, people getting in my way at the supermarket, etc. 01P 08 XX.XX NS
Woke - irritable & fed up for no apparent reason. Iritated by my husband rubbing his foot against mine while half asleep - shoved him away. 01P 09 XX.XX NS
Very irritable - swearing at other drivers, at anything which annoys me. 01P 12 XX.XX NS
Felt very irritable and cross when I had to answer the phone this evening. Unusual for me. 03P 04 XX.XX NS
Partner complained I am grumpy and grisly. I think he's grisly ! He keeps shouting at me. 03P 05 XX.XX NS
Very weepy, depressed and anxious after arriving home. Short tempered and irritable, do not want to see / speak to anyone - especially the engineer who has come to fix the CH boiler. 03P 14 XX.XX NS
Started to feel quite impatient - wanted to get the lecture finished - didn't like other people interrupting. Feel more edgy, slightly irritable. Intolerant and tired. 07P 02 12.00 NS
All day felt very sensitive to students (I am an administrator at a university) who were complaining, wanted to tell them to fuck off - usually I can handle it without feeling affected. Also felt very dispassionate towards students which is unusual. 07P 05 XX.XX NS
Went out to dinner in evening with relatives and some of their friends. Found it very easy to talk to people (I'm usually a bit self-conscious and quiet). At end of meal started to get very bored and impatient as I thought that once the food had finished we should be going. Partner says I started humming under my breath and that I sounded very bored! 07P 10 XX.XX NS
Snappy with people and easily annoyed. Showed it more than I usually would. 13P 28 XX.XX NS
Very impatient and irritable with waitress in cafe. I will not tolerate any delay. 16P 03 XX.XX NS
Very rude and impatient with train service researcher. Cannot tolerate anything which smacks of interference or interruption. 16P 04 XX.XX NS
Extremely irritable. Thinking very unkind, uncharitable thoughts about my husband's friend, who has come to stay for a couple of days. Although I'm perfectly nice to him, I can't stop myself from thinking about what a loser, waster, stupid drunken useless jerk he is. I normally don't mind him, though I do find his constant smoking & drinking annoying - but today my thoughts about him so are vicious that I surprise myself. 01P 07 XX.XX NS
Confrontational - aware that I feel very confrontational all the the time - trying to moderate it as I do not want to cause unnecessary trouble. On three separate occasions have stood up for myself where I would normally have swallowed my indignation. 08P 20 XX.XX NS
Met daughter out of school. She had a scowl on face, it was all downhill from there. Everyone, everything is irritating. I feel so angry. I haven't felt this angry for ages. It's all deep, simmering away like a cauldron. Want to be left alone. Just want to sit, feel put upon and neglected. Just want to sit and stare out of window. 14P 18 XX.XX NS
Feel very hateful. Hate everybody but no, it's just a mood and a way of putting it. It's also not that real. I can be absolutely in it, this state, and yet view it dispassionately at the same time. 14P 18 XX.XX NS
Feeling really fucking contrary. Don't like writing proving diary - don't know whether I should write on the left or the right hand side - don't understand the guidelines for writing this. Don't know where to go when I turn the page. Hate it. Hate this book. Hate having to monitor every fucking emotion. Feel sick and sad and irritable. Feel very contrary. Have decided to write proving diary in another book. Nothing is right. 15P 08 4.30 NS
Watched a violent film and enjoyed it, especially hand grenades throwing men into the air - I don't usually enjoy such stuff. 02P 01 XX.XX NS
Wanted to snarl, wanted to bite something. 07P 01 7:.3:0 NS
Tantrums - pinching and throwing things around the room. Hysterical crying - hate everyone at work and want to make them feel the same pain as I do. 13P 43 XX.XX NS
Feeling excessive anger- hate everyone and want to kill. 13P 43 XX.XX NS
Had an overwhelming desire to thank Misha for everything
- to tell him how much I love being here, being part of this, being involved
- how grateful I am to be part of his school. Feeling very contented, sleepy
and happy. I feel very much in tune with the other students; I love them all,
am so glad to know them and to be here - don't ever want to leave, don't want
this weekend to finish - I want to be here with all these lovely people.
01P 02 11.00 NS
Feeling of great contentment all day - would really like to stay at Yondercott, to be here with all these wonderful people every day. Beautiful. 01P 03 XX.XX NS
Fell good, cheerful - really want to be out in the sun. 07P 03 XX.XX NS
Felt need to relax in the morning and ended up listening and dancing to music. This is the first time in months that I have wanted to listen to music rather than slumping in front of the television or reading. 07P 07 XX.XX NS
Have been quite content on days when have been on my own in the flat - usually get a bit down if others haven't been around. 07P 15 XX.XX NS
Bonding with the group. Felt a connection and a closeness. More powerful than usual. 13P 03 XX.XX NS
I'm self-contained, contented but not to the exclusion of other people and things. Time is a human construct, it doesn't matter. Things are much slower. 14P 04 XX.XX NS
Calm at work today - took a deep breath when I might have rushed in previously in a discipline situation with kids. 02P 04 4:.4:5 NS
Told I am calmer since starting this proving, and less bothered by the things which usually bother me. 02P 21 XX.XX NS
Partner says I'm calmer, more patient since weekend. 04P 04 XX.XX NS
Felt very calm and relaxed driving home - very unusual. 08P 01 8.00 NS
Feel very laid back and things go smoother. Notice that husband is swearing a lot and very stressed, it does not affect me. I can ignore it. It usually makes my insides contract with anxiety. 09P 03 XX.XX NS
I seem to have taken a step back from my life and am assessing it and the people in it as if I were an inspector of some quality scheme. Small things which used to bother me no longer do and my head does not buzz with details. 09P 05 XX.XX NS
Met a friend for lunch and listened to her problems for an hour without interruption - unusual for me. 09P 07 XX.XX NS
Have been leaning back in chair watching the birds flying and clouds moving. Could just sit and watch all day. 14P 20 XX.XX NS
Feel like I've come back into my body today - I wasn't floating out of my body, but I was in my head and not really in my body until today. Walking around barefoot in the house again, this is very good for me. Have not been doing that since the proving started. 05P 23 XX.XX NS
The first two nights of the proving I woke at four am just at the first glimmerings of light and thought I had to go scuffling in the bushes, for a scrabble in the earth. 14P 02 XX.XX NS
Feel like a small furry prickly animal that would like to nest down and hide. 14P 18 XX.XX NS
Non -stop gardening, tons of energy. Felt very loving towards the earth and plant, etc. 14P 38 XX.XX NS
Meditating after dose - got strong sudden image of my cat with a feeling of warm, black furry-ness. Had a real desire to cuddle him, to bury my face in his fur. 03P 01 7.30 NS
The most profound velvety deep almost touchable darkness sinking into it but not scary. A feeling of oneness coming into communion and/or going out into space but bodily very present, very safe. 14P 01 8.00 NS
Very drawn to dark/black hair. People's eyes look dark and beautiful. 15P 01 1.00 NS
I'm wearing black - it feels like a very strange colour to be wearing. Black feels velvety - like a hole or a burrow, comforting and earthy. I'm very drawn to black. Dark colours seem velvety. Feeling warm, fuzzy and safe in my head. Everyone's become smaller. Want to go down a black hole and hibernate in a swirling burrow. Soft black fur and warm furry feeling. 15P 01 XX.XX NS
Generally a bit foggy & dull. Would like to go back to bed, or just watch TV all day, something that takes no brain-power. 01P 05 XX.XX NS
I persevered with some work & managed to get a bit done, tho' I still feel like I don't really have a grasp of what I'm doing. Feeling a bit more optimistic, though, which is a relief. I'm alarmed by how very easily I can be plunged back into deep depression and apathy. 01P 16 XX.XX NS
In the afternoon I felt very dopey and contented. Couldn't concentrate for extended periods - mind totally drifted off. Felt drowsy and languid and just wanted to bask in the sun at lunch-time. 07P 02 XX.XX NS
I normally read for ages soaking in a hot bath and when cooking or sitting on the loo. I have left my library books untouched since I took the remedy but have only just realised it as they are due back again. 09P 00 XX.XX NS
Welfare of animals and family affairs seems less important. 09P 05 XX.XX NS
Exhausted - don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to sit and stare into space. Takes forever and hurts to do a simple task. Want to stay in bed all day. 13P 37 XX.XX NS
A bit drowsy & vague all afternoon. Having a lot of trouble trying to get started on homework assignments. I keep trying to settle down to some work, but find it almost impossible to stay focused on anything for longer than a few minutes at a time. 01P 08 XX.XX NS
Can't seem to click things together, very laid back and lethargic, no sense of urgency. 05P 10 XX.XX NS
Woke up with headache, couldn't seem to shift it. Laid down in the afternoon I felt so tired, like a dead duck. I was supposed to have gone into town but was too tired. Can't be bothered, even though I have to bank money - not like me. Dragged myself through the day. More tired as the day and evening wore on. Lots of things I should be doing, but I am procrastinating. Not like me I am usually very determined and goal orientated. 05P 18 XX.XX NS
I was supposed to be visiting a friend, I just couldn't be bothered to go, I didn't want to go out. I felt like letting her down completely not even bothering to call her. I could quite happily have done just that not worried about her feelings at all. I just didn't want to see anyone. 05P 22 XX.XX NS
The last two days have been very bored and unmotivated at work. Desperate to get away at 5 pm - have spent a lot of time gazing into space waiting for the minutes to go by. 07P 14 XX.XX NS
Seem to be driving much faster than normal but it seems slower. Apologised to a friend for going so slowly around the narrow lanes of my village and she said that we were actually going quite fast considering the conditions. This has happened a few times with various people and I notice that I seem to get everywhere too early. I have always been a punctual sort of person but not so early! 09P 00 XX.XX NS
I know this is a good opportunity today to get on with some homework etc. but I just can't get motivated. The strange thing is usually I would be getting really uptight about it and forcing myself to do something but I am just not worrying about it. I am sort of forgiving myself - you can't do it all etc. don't worry about it, it will be okay. These are the kind of statements flowing through my mind. It feels good, I am not being as hard on myself, I feel like well I am doing my best and that's good enough, what will be will be. 10P 23 XX.XX NS
I have not done my work at all but I think well I can't do everything and I am not going to beat myself up about it. 10P 29 XX.XX NS
Sick of being an adult, of having so many responsibilities, things to sort out, pay for, take care of. Too many worries. I'd like to be 14 again, to be back living with my parents, all responsibilities lifted from me, nothing important to worry about. I guess I'm still basically feeling that I can't really cope with anything. Everything seems too much. Went to yoga class, in the hope that that would somehow help me to make a connection with myself - I feel so detached, as if I'm barely functioning, & even then only on auto-pilot. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of being alive, but am totally unable to connect with who I really am, or with what I'm doing. I feel depressed, like nothing's really worth bothering with anyway. Seriously thinking of trying to antidote the proving, or of phoning Misha & saying that I want out of this - I really don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. Two weeks ago I was so happy & confident & focused - now I feel like a trembling, despairing, hopeless, frightened mess. Whenever I try to talk to someone I find myself having to struggle not to cry. This really is not fun. 01P 18 XX.XX NS
I feel that the weather, the day and the situation is just lovely and I should be able to feel joy in it - but I can't, it won't 'go in'. There is the overwhelming fear and anxiety which stops me from truly enjoying anything. I take such delight and joy from birds and springtime flowers and sunshine but I just can't feel it inside, there is a block a barrier between me and the world. A casual conversation about sunshine and hope and new life associated with spring caused the mental equivalent of being hit with a sledge hammer. 03P 31 XX.XX NS
Not doing very well at all on the remedy. Spent most of this morning in tears, feeling alone & empty. 12P 04 XX.XX NS
Tired and hangover. Feel like I need to go on a big detox. Binge / comfort eating. Feel distant from homeopathy - feel like the proving might be draining me. 13P 25 XX.XX NS
On the verge of tears all day - I have a lump in my throat & my chest aches as if there's some sort of huge obstruction there. I feel as though something has died within me. The least thing makes my eyes fill with tears. Unable to think of a single good / positive thing in the world. 01P 12 XX.XX NS
Very, very oversensitive and emotional. Everything my husband said I took as a direct, personal attack. Weeping constantly. The least thing made me burst into tears. Irritable. Furious with husband. Wished he weren't here. Wished I'd never met him or married him. Hated him. Arguing with husband - very, very unusual for us. I felt desperate. As though everything important to me was coming to an end. Hopeless. Increasingly bad as day went on. I felt dead. Completely dead inside. Wanted to die. Contemplated it - thought about how nice, what a relief it would be, not to exist any more. Just to be dead. Thought about taking all the old prescription pain-killers in the back of the bathroom cupboard. Wanted not to exist any more. Even the thought of what effect this would have on others (even my Mother) meant nothing. Didn't care what they felt - I just wanted to be dead, not to have to cope with living any more. It would be such a relief to be dead. Unable to do anything at all. So apathetic, didn't care at all about not doing any work. Couldn't answer phone - don't want to deal with anyone. Couldn't face talking to anyone. Too depressed to phone my proving supervisor. No point in making any diary entries. Can't face anything or anyone. Unable to do anything. Felt dead inside. Numb. Lay on the bed all afternoon. I was really cold, but was too apathetic to reach down & pull the duvet over me. No point. I'm dying. Thought about cutting my arms - deep & hard -with a razor-blade or a knife. Pictured the flesh opening up, gaping red. Perhaps it might provide some form of release. Need to try & make contact with myself, but I can't. I'm already dead. Evening: went out to see my husband's band playing. My mood entirely lifted - I felt great again, so proud of him & happy - Alive! 01P 13 XX.XX NS
Everything I touch turns to shit. I have spent the whole morning trying to get my new CD-ROM reader to work so that I can use Radar. It is so frustrating. I feel like throwing the whole bloody thing through the window. So angry I'm on the verge of tears. I can't cope with anything. Everything I try to do just goes wrong. I can't bear it. Walked up the road to buy the newspaper, feeling completely crap. Exhausted. Depressed. I can't believe I've spent over two weeks on just one homework question & I still haven't finished it. I can't do anything. I can't cope. And what's the bloody point anyway? There doesn't seem to be any point to anything, really. I feel so utterly useless. I don't understand anything to do with Homoeopathy. I feel stupid. Incompetent. Useless. 01P 16 XX.XX NS
Keep crying for no apparent reason. I feel despairing, like something or someone has died. I feel like I have died. I want to die. Sobbing. 01P 18 XX.XX NS
Woke feeling as though I have a heavy weight on my chest - I feel literally burdened by something - by a huge, overwhelming grief. I really feel as though something dreadful has happened - keep sighing huge sighs without realising it. I feel so overwhelmingly, unbearably sad. Just want to cry all the time. Shaking and shivering for about an hour. Crying. Can't stop crying. I feel as though I'm dying - or perhaps I'm already dead ? No, I can't be - death would be a relief, compared to this despair. Can't handle this any more. I feel like I've been in the bottom of a deep, deep hole for weeks, with no air, no hope, no life - just me & death. I'm dying. I have to try & stop this, before I lose the will to do so. Before I lose the will to keep living. Sometimes that point is very, very near. This has been deeper, more desperate, closer to death than anything I've ever known. I never, ever want to feel like this again. I'm going to stop this. Made appointment to see my homoeopath in 2 days' time. I can't do this anymore. Feeling a bit better for knowing that in a couple of days I should be free from this Hell inside my head. 01P 19 XX.XX NS
I had one night of deep depression, where I really thought about the value of my life and who would miss me. There was nothing in particular to bring this on. I just thought of it as I was getting ready to go to bed. I looked down at the bedroom rug and saw a black hole, which had no end to it. The hole was beautifully circular and just big enough for one person to get into feet first. I was very tired being badly treated and taken for granted and wouldn't it be nice to just slip into the hole and disappear and be free of all the hassle. The next morning I was fine and shocked that I could have felt so low. I have moved the rug to a place where I won't walk on it. I have never in my life contemplated dying as a serious way out of problems, I am usually the strong optimist who pulls others through bad patches. 09P 00 XX.XX NS
Felt utterly desperate and disturbed. Felt like everything was doomed. No confidence. A dread of work and speaking to people. Just 'wanted to go on holiday to the sea. Want to start afresh and spring clean. Wanted to cry, but didn't want to be disturbed. I am trying to take the bull by the horns. Felt better after dark and talking to supervisor. Also felt better after talking to fellow student and friend. 13P 11 XX.XX NS
Went for walk near Suspension Bridge. Wonderful sunshine happiness. Blissful state for me and boyfriend. On return across the Downs he reveals a bleakness and desolation that lies below the surface in his life. The extent of it and complete absence of joy is a shock, even though I've known him for 14 years and know much of his shadow. I feel for him intensely but don't know what to say. 14P 07 XX.XX NS
Feel really really low. Can't think-feel, overwhelmed by effort of just being alive. Body and spirit very,very heavy. Want to be dead. Feel all hope is lost, gone. No point in anything.Want to lie down in bed and do nothing, not have to cope. 14P 49 XX.XX NS
Bang! Awake Thoughts about ending relationship. Feel very much would like to be dead again. Wake later very low. Want to be dead. Can't see any point in relationships .Don't want to feel responsible for looking after daughter, want to run away or die. 14P 51 XX.XX NS
My emotional state is worse on Tuesdays, I feel suicidal. 17P 00 XX.XX NS
Feel very sad, depressed, very down. Feel as if I'm a burden on everyone, ruining their lives. 17P 18 XX.XX NS
While reading thought of an address in Kentish Town of a former acquaintance several pages before Kentish Town Road was mentioned in the book. I realised that this was about the fifth time I had predicted such minor things recently. 02P 16 XX.XX NS
Wake with partner's hangover: I didn't drink, didn't even go to her party! 04P 48 XX.XX NS
I had a fit of giggles with a fellow student in class. Just as they were going into a meditation, it was uncontrollable and I have no idea what triggered it off. It was so bad I had to run out of the room (she followed closely). I was coughing and laughing at the same time. My eyes were watering, I just couldn't stop - we couldn't stop. It was hysterical laughter and it lasted at least 10 minutes. 05P 03 XX.XX NS
All the patterns and pictures in the room seemed to contain phallic symbols - couldn't avoid them (the next day they were not pronounced at all). I didn't want anyone to know this is what I was seeing - embarrassed. 07P 01 7.00 NS
Sleep was very disturbed. Previous night has been to see a film, The Beach. Came away feeling quite disturbed by the darker aspects of the film. Had been fascinated by the idea of people dying at close hand and particularly one part where a man who was suffering pain was suffocated to relieve him of this. In bed thought that I have never seen a dead body - was wondering what this would be like. 07P 07 XX.XX NS
Vision of two racing cars, one red, the other yellow, drawn in a childish pictorial way. 08P 01 7:.3:0 NS
The first vision I have is of a fountain of energy (I say energy because I don't know what else to call it - its like particles all moving in a certain direction). This is moving up and over to the right like water from a fountain - it is pale red in colour. I then have a brief vision of an eye. I am then aware that there is something that I can't quite make out, flashes of light come down onto the object and illuminate it but it is not quite long enough to make out what it is. I feel a bit cur 10P 01 7:.3:0 NS
Later at the pub I feel quite elated. There are four of us at the table and we all seem quite energised, slightly restless. I am very aware of the music playing - it seems so much louder/clearer - I seem to be able to keep in with the conversation and also tune into the music at the same time. My wit seems really powerful tonight. I am making everyone laugh and they are making me laugh. Aware of cold shivers going up and over my back at various points in the evening. Feel like someone has walked on my grave. 10P 01 1.00 NS
Music is definitely moving me. I realise I have been listening to a lot of classical music over the last week or so - I do not enjoy other kinds of music which I usually do - it has to be classical. It allows images to come to my mind, I can drift on my imagination whilst listening to classical music - this is not very unusual for me because I tend to drift off to music anyway but I am aware that I am having "thoughts of death" and the words "till we meet again" keep coming to mind. It is possibly related to the fact that I heard of the tragic death of a young 18 year old and it is playing on my mind. 10P 32 XX.XX NS
Senses very acute could see tracers on objects, bright lights more obvious. Hearing very acute, especially in relation to music. 13P 01 1.00 NS
Kept thinking I could see people from the group. Almost called out their names. 13P 05 XX.XX NS
Sighing all the time. 13P 12 XX.XX NS
Feeling enlightened and more positive, as though my brain is saturated with seratonin. Odd in light of my other symptoms. 13P 14 XX.XX NS
People in pub, strangers, tell me all sorts of things. People feel OK to tell me bits. 14P 07 XX.XX NS
Feel like wearing long flowing things. Go hunting in charity shops for something green or blue. Painted nails alternately green and blue. 14P 14 XX.XX NS
Have a long chat with my father. I'm strangely authoritative and wise with him - it doesn't sound like my voice - it sounds like a more powerful, inner me. 15P 07 XX.XX NS
Dreamed I was trying to transport a tiger in a wooden crate, from a multi-storey car park. I went to fetch the car, but while I was gone, someone stole the tiger - I got back & found the crate empty. 01P 02
Dreamed that the proving was affecting me very strongly; that as I was walking along the street everything starting moving - the ground, the buildings, everything was undulating, as if I were hallucinating. I collapsed onto the pavement - everybody just walked on by, ignoring me. Somehow I found myself at Yondercott, where Bridgette took me in & was very concerned and kind. Misha then arrived - he assured me that this was all perfectly normal and sent me off home in a cab. Got home to discover my husband fraught with worry because I hadn't rung - he was really angry, because he'd been so concerned. I tried to explain that my behaviour was because of the proving, but he didn't understand. 01P 02
Woke with a clear image of my small, collapsible umbrella having been coated in batter and deep-fried. 01P 02
I dreamed that my Mother was seriously ill, with pneumonia. She had been in the next room during her whole sickness, without my being aware of it - she didn't want to worry me, so had stayed in there alone, quietly. 01P 07
Dreamed that my children (I don't actually have any) were in the back of a mini-cab which was being driven by a known child-abuser. I was trying to get them out, asking them, then pleading, then shouting & screaming in panic - they refused to get out, saying they were too tired to walk up the hill to our house. 01P 07
Dream. Something to do with Tupperware, sorting left-overs into plastic tubs. 01P 08
Dream that I was being spied on through bathroom key-hole (by the shop-keeper from the TV show 'League of Gentlemen') - I opened the door & confronted him, furious. We began fighting physically - he overpowered me & was astride me, when I woke up, apparently whimpering & saying 'no, no, no!' 01P 09
Dream that I was on a dirt bike-track (in Australia - the dirt was reddish-brown), with several others - all of us children. The path had been blocked of by a metal gate, which we climbed over, only to find another, then another, and so on. 01P 10
Amorous / lascivious dreams. 01P 11
Dreamed I was waiting to meet a friend. While waiting I went into a surf shop (at home - Australia) & bought a pair of what looked like baby shoes - tiny blue buckle-shoes, with pink flowers on the fronts - they fitted perfectly. 01P 11
Dream I was arguing with a friend as to how one ought to read & lay out runes. My friend was insisting they out to be laid out in even lines, while I was certain one ought to scatter them & see how they fell. 01P 11
Dreamed I was on holiday in Turkey (I think), with a friend. I had been worrying before going on the holiday about the possibility of running into a friend I've (really) fallen out with, even though she actually lives in Moscow. On the first day of the holiday we were walking through a wooded are near a lake or sea, when we did indeed run into the ex-friend, who was there working as a make-up artist on a small film being made there. She tried to pretend she hadn't seen me, ignored me. I felt awful, embarrassed and didn't know what to do or where to look. Later on during the same holiday, I ran into another friend (this time it was not actually someone I know in real life); a bloke who had apparently helped me through some sort of bad time. He was with a mate, with whom I was getting on very well & seeing a lot of during the holiday. I was very keen on him & vice versa, but I knew there was another woman there he was also interested in. Rather than trying to keep him keen on me, I actually encouraged him to go & find this other woman & work out how he felt about her - then once he'd gone to do so, I felt awful. Let down, disappointed, crushed. 01P 12
Dreamed that I was in the cast of 'Friends', talking to one of the female cast members while she was having a bubble-bath. She was pregnant & the Father of the child didn't want anything to do with it / her. He came in; I confronted him; pinned him to the wall by his neck & gave him hell. 01P 16
Dreamed that I drove to the beach (Australia) with a friend. We could hear the sound of the sea - I said "It's the most beautiful sound in the world". When we arrived there, everyone was leaving, because a hurricane was on its way. We decided to go & find something to eat. Suddenly found ourselves in the tea-rooms of the British National Gallery. They didn't have anything that we wanted to eat (only tea & scones) & were too expensive. 01P 16
Dreamed that I was looking out of a window, in a tall building - perhaps a department store, I think, in town. I looked down & saw a man in a black jeep looking up at me. He pulled out a long gun and pointed it straight at me. 01P 17
Dreamt of TV doctor, with me in a meeting. I got my 3rd and 4th fingers of my right hand stuck round a door handle and she freed them. I felt some pain. I also had 2 gold rings which I was fiddling with and wanted to remove to my left hand; I was conscious of my wedding finger. (Normally I wear 1 gold signet ring ion my right hand). 02P 02
Dreamt I was eavesdropping. 02P 03
Dreamt of planting carrots and parking a car. 02P 04
Dreamt of butcher and raw meat - a baby rib of beef and other unusual-looking joints. 02P 05
Dreamt of a car crash, on the motorway in a dark place which may have been in a tunnel. A caravan went out of control, and I avoided it but later in the dream I seemed to have hit it. My mother was in the car with me. Later my parents came to visit me and I was lying on a bed next to my mother with 6 black hairy spiders on the wall opposite. 02P 06
Vague dream of being in school as a teacher I think. One aspect was really vivid though: picked up someone's gold and amethyst earrings to admire, then realised she'd gone and I'd still got them. 02P 11
Dreamt of an awkward mother criticising her child's education, and the child crying in my arms and showing fear for his mother. 02P 12
Dream of a TV licence reminder, stating that I had had five reminders in the preceding five years and would now be fined. 02P 16
Dreamt of weeing in a cubicle with 2 loos, and getting tangled up as a witness to a murder although I didn't actually see the body. Woke from this dream at 4am needing to wee. 02P 17
Dreamt I was a mole underground. 02P 18
Dreamt I was running in some long distance event through French or foreign streets. My ex-employer featured and grudgingly leant me his map. I was doing quite well in the race. Money also featured - the sum of £10 cropped up. 02P 22
Dreamed of raw meat. 02P 46
I was away on a homoeopathy course weekend and got back to discover my parents (father has been dead for 8 years) were auctioning the family home (of 12 years ago) where I was still living. I discovered this by walking up the road towards the house, (finding a piece of material belonging to my mother in the road outside a neighbour's house on the way, and also noticing lots of moss and grass growing in the gutters), and when I got to our house there was a sign in the window and the house was empty, with all the floors and walls of whitewashed brick. The auction was just about to happen. There were six bidders, and it was like a ballot. I saw six sums written down on a piece of paper, and remember £185 000, £158 000, £43 000 and I think £275 000. For some reason the house wasn't sold to the highest bidder which confused me. 02P 46
Dreamed of a train station with lots of water surrounding it. A huge black woman was swimming naked in some murky water and being very exhibitionist about it; I don't remember the earlier part of the dream but know I was dreaming in some detail. 02P 48
Dreamt of some puppies being born. 02P 50
Dreamt about a dead body which I had to wrap in black bin liners and put into the bin. Later in the dream I was worried that the bin men would then take it away and it wouldn't get to the proper place or have a funeral etc. 02P 51
Dreamt I was at work and went into the loo which had been left in a most unpleasant mess, with melted cheese on the seat and soiling down the walls. I couldn't get back out without my coat brushing the walls, so it got dirty. It was a grey coat which wasn't mine so I took it off and left it in the corner of the classroom, and then used a different loo instead. Both loos were in a slightly different place from where they really are at work. 02P 53
Dreamt of a male ex-colleague naked in the bath, waiting for something and so the bathwater had gone cold. While I was talking to him I sat on the loo to have a wee. As I was dreaming this I woke up, just as I started to wee in reality. 02P 60
Partner had a daughter called Laurie, a tall girl with blond curly hair. He received a letter from his ex wife - Laurie's mother and I realised that he left his wife for no reason at all. I feel very insecure and feel he will go back to her. He cries as he reads the letter. 03P 02
I was at my job in the Dr's waiting room/reception. I was walking home along the road when my Partner drew up in the car to collect me, I got in and we continued on our way to my home. He remarked that I was out of work very early. I was horrified, I realised that I had left without meaning to, I had not locked up and my shift was not finished. We turned the car around and raced back. This waiting room/reception was now also a shop and there had been a delivery of newspaper and magazines which had been put on the floor in piles. There were customers trying to buy things so I set about trying to serve them and my partner started putting things on the shelves. I was frantic, I realised that I had no memory of the morning or what I had done. 03P 03
Dreamed of my daughter, she had cancer of the bones of the left side of her pelvis. I could visualise them turning to powder and disintegrating. Also dreamed of my son as a baby, he was being cared for by some other woman. I do not remember the dream but I do remember a feeling of struggle and desperation associated with it and a strong need to DO something. As I tried I was completely ineffectual. 03P 05
I dreamed I went to the local primary school, with which I have no connection in reality or in my dream, for an antiques sale. Went with a friend. The school was more like a hospital inside, with wards and patients and procedures being carried out, specifically noticed a speculum lying on a locker. At one point I was examined for suspected meningitis - I had to lie on my side and bring my knees up to my chin - also a position for Cx smears. We were late and everything had been sold in the sale and in walking around trying to find where the sale was held we were very impressed with what the 'school' was achieving. 03P 08
I dreamed I was climbing a very wet, muddy , rocky cliff by the sea with my partner. Scrambled up one point and reached a 'U' shape at the top of the rocks, looked down a vertical drop to the sea way below, very frightened, vertigo, and I could not see how I could possibly get down. A hopeless, terrifying position. 03P 08
Dreaming about mother being robbed of her jewellery and feeling a sense of personal loss. 03P 09
Many dreams, all I can remember is trying to chemically analyse a white chalky material, it was all very complicated and exhausting. 03P 12
Woke, screaming, early in the night following a nightmare. I can't remember the 'story' behind it but I was carrying some sort of rucksack, walking in a group somewhere. When I was just chatting everything was normal but as soon as I was trying to communicate something important, even vital, to say something or to express myself I could not, I could not get any sound out of my mouth. I felt stifled and suffocated, as if there was something evil or malevolent covering my face, stuffed in my mouth. Ar ound me were images of toys perhaps, or cartoons? Their colourful, smiley faces were malevolent, threatening, evil and they filled me with a feeling of dread and fear. My field of vision was cut down, I could hardly see out of my face, it was as if a hood, with a long peak (like a peaked cap low over my eyes), were drawn tight around my head and face restricting movement and my field of vision. I was desperate to attract attention, to communicate. I gave up trying to speak and just concentrated on getting some sound out. Eventually I did, hence waking up screaming. I was very distressed and weepy and was unable to sleep for a long time. Very hot and slight sweat, had to uncover to cool down. Got cold but became too hot again the moment I covered up. 03P 14
Dream my partner and I were living in a flat in an old tenement, we had not been there for very long. Lots of people all living around in all the other flats. My partner and I were involved with, or part of a family some of whom lived in the same tenement and some lived in Scotland. We were always included in what they did, their holidays etc. my partner went out of the flat to visit the local shop for a few moments, he did not shut our door properly, a neighbour, a large, fat woman in a bright yellow or orange dress just walked in to speak to me, very friendly and jolly person but I was perturbed that she just walked in without even knocking. When my partner returned we could hear children making a noise through the wall, it was ½ term. He said it would get worse in the summer hols and we discussed just going away for a month with a tent to somewhere nice and just drift around, no particular plan or itinerary - it felt really good until the snags popped into my mind. This dream and yesterday's dream featured strong colour which is new to me, I have never been aware of colour particularly in my dreams before. 03P 15
I was on an alien planet, my colleagues were from Star Trek but noone was recognisable. This planet had a feeling of being very shallow, 2-dimensional. We dressed and tried to behave as the inhabitants to avoid detection. We became so like them I could not tell who was one of us. They all wore bright sky blue overalls, the only other colour in the clothes was light grey. Their roads were narrow and straight but sunk below the surface so that we could not see out, like driving along a huge deep rut with vertical tiled walls. They opened into squares every so often, all the wall were lined with tiles, no access to houses, it looked like a lot of empty swimming pools linked together. At one point I fell into one of these squares from the top and struggled to climb out, right at the top I almost gave up but I was too afraid of falling so I made the final effort to clamber over the edge. I felt frightened. The inhabitants seemed huge close up until I realised that they were two people one on top of the other piggy back style under one huge set of clothes. I was given a 'lift' on one of these double decker people, the poor person underneath was carrying a lot of weight with 2 of us on him and his legs started to buckle. I think I became one of the inhabitants, I was arresting someone and decided to blackmail him, I had some handcuffs and I was just about to put them on him when an 'elder' came along and took me away to a house where on of my Star Trek colleagues had delivered a box with home-made guns in it, they were very simple, wooden butt and metal barrel, long and thin no trigger or sights. - I woke then. 03P 17
Dog shit figured in my dream. We were sitting at a table outside to eat food and to work in exercise books and there was dog shit on the table, it was very dried up and hard. My partner moved it to the end of the table. I felt as if the whole table was contaminated, I also felt his hands were contaminated, I was most uncomfortable. There was other lumps of it around on the ground, not a lot but enough to make the area smell of it. 03P 19
Dream: My son, daughter (both younger than they are), partner and I were living in a house together - rather an 'open plan' type house. When I returned home some changes had been made, mainly by my daughter. Changes which I felt cluttered the place up so I got very angry and insisted she remove the additional furniture. She did this but she was very disappointed that I did not like her good ideas and she was cross too. I felt bad and could not understand why I had been so violently angry. My partner had installed a telephone - a very old, dirty one - in an alcove. I could see something, fumes perhaps, radiating from it. I put my hand into the alcove to try to feel the 'energy' as I thought of it but it burnt and blistered my hand and the burning and blistering just spread rapidly up my arm. I woke at this point. 03P 20
I was at home, some people, a family, from Yorkshire, were coming to stay, they were strangers to me, rough looking, perhaps they were homeless. This seemed a usual and frequent situation and I was to prepare a place on the floor for them to sit and sleep. The floor sloped, this was the top of the slope tucked in an angle under the wall of the lounge, like a cave at the foot of a cliff at the seashore. The floor boards were broken and there was inky black water lapping in the hole, with a torrent of water pouring in. the under floor space was full of water. I was afraid it would rot my floor boards and went to the other end of the room, the bottom of the slope, only to find the floor dry, flat and firm. I turned to my father and asked him to get a pump to empty it but he just smiled and did nothing. I was filled with a deep sense of foreboding at the thought of that inky black water filling the space under the floor, what was in it? There was a strong sense of malevolence, almost of evil. 03P 22
Dream: my partner met and married another woman but he was still living with me. He was with her a lot and I felt like an outsider even though I was included in what they were doing, like a friend or a sister. I could not understand why he was married to her and did not live with her. She had 2 teenage boys who came thundering into the house, home from school. I wondered if they were the reason why ! She had moved into an old terraced house requiring a lot of work on it. I was despondent knowing my partner would be round there a lot doing it up for her. Eventually I got round to thinking about me and what I wanted and whether or not I would put up with the situation. I arrived at no solution. I woke up then. 03P 25
Dream: travel with difficulties: the rest of conference group fit in a bicycle sidecar but I have to return to campus room to get own transport: a helicopter or motorbike? Walk/stumble in to a ditch full of increasingly tall nettles on the way. 04P 14
Dream images: return of dream exploring at a cove' I've been there before. Sunset from a clifftop restaurant amazes the diners, but I could feel gratified in telling everyone that ironically it was only the headlights of cars on a local housing estate. 04P 18
I was back in Bristol browsing around when I saw a new food place, they were really packed and I was curious, what did they do that drew such crowds? I asked and someone said they do massive puddings. A grey haired, handsome distinguished man came out and we started talking - I knew I should be heading back to get the car to pick my son up from school, but I had to speak to this man. He said "If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like". Without hesitation I said "an Aston Martin" - his eyes widened, yeah I thought, bet you thought I didn't even know what one was. "What type" he said. "A Vantage Volante" I said - that he got him. "I went to visit the factory that makes them a few years ago" I continued "such craftsmanship." "I've got one outside he said, parked behind those 2 cars, go and have a look and I'll be out in a minute". So I went to look. It was black and very old, really big. I looked at my watch, just enough time to pick my son up. I walked away and was up the street when the man came out. He would have just glimpsed me in the distance. I was aware of his looking for me. I walked up the steps of a steep hill. I thought my car was on the 2nd street up but it wasn't there, I checked the 1st floor, but it wasn't there. Christ my son's school was finishing now, even if I left now I'd be late. Had I lost it, was it stolen. I walked up and down again then I thought I'd try the top street even though I was sure I hadn't parked the car there. As I came up the steps there it was my old faithful. There was a church there like the Notre Dame cathedral and great views as I was high up. I rushed back home, My son was at a different School that day so I thought I'd ring to see which school he was at, had they taken him to his own school. When I got home he was there and I was saying Honey hurry up, we've got to pick your sister up. He was being slow and lumbering. "But why are you shouting mummy" he said. "Because we're late sweetheart, please put your shoes on". "But around and trying to hold my patience with him, so I stopped and looked him straight in the eye and explained that I would have been on time but I had to search for the car and it took ages to find it. "Ok mum, I understand now" he said and he really moved himself to get ready. As we walked out of the door I thought - I'll see that man again soon. 05P 02
I was a paramedic, my partner was a man. We were called to an accident. We ran over, we saw a big green bin - the type used by offices for lots of waste, there was a baby lifted the bin off and miraculously the baby was OK. The other paramedic held it. Where's the babies mum I asked around, then this young girl came over, she had dark hair in a pony tail and was a bit balchy. I told her what had happened, come and see your baby I said. She pulled her top off impatiently and said give her here, she can have some of this (meaning breast milk) I was taken aback. I had expected her to show concern. I look at my partner - he's not happy, he signals me to step away. He says he feels she's harmed or harming the baby. I don't want to believe it. He says, lets retreat a bit, got into the other room for a few minutes and we'll leave the door open. We hover and sure enough we see her starting to shake the baby. I want to kill her, strangle her, I go forward to, my partner stops me, "No, you look after the baby he says putting the baby in my arms". I struggle with him, You don't understand I say, that was done to me when I was this age. Take the baby and look after it he says. I plead with him, I don't care, leave me here and I'll strangle the life out of her. (I felt like I wanted to avenge the baby and I wanted to avenge the baby that had been me too). He pushes me out of the door - look after the baby he says. I look down at the baby in my arms, she's not good, an ashen colour. I sit down with her on my lap, trying to give her some comfort. As I watch she deteriorates fast and dies in my arms. I call my partner and they take the baby and her mum away - I break my heart crying for the baby and for me. Then people in the house come in and the man who stars in Jonathan Creek comforted me. 05P 02
I saw a plate with red runny, water stuff on it - not blood, a water melon. It as luscious and fresh with black seeds. I felt the blackness of the seeds and in my mind's eye I journeyed in to see there was blackness then more blackness then more, then laziness and comfort. Next visions of rooftops of Paris. High places, old buildings, fantastic expansive viewpoints, felt like I was a pigeon, seeing as a pigeon would. 05P 02
I was there as the Berlin Wall came down. I stood around and out came a man, a US soldier in his 70's speaking fluent Russian. We talk, he tells me he's been trapped all this time since the war, it is hard for him to recall his mother tongue. I promise to help him find his daughter and see if he's got any grandchildren. I'm 15 year's old and not very empowered. I tell the Authorities - they sling him in jail. A compensation cheque comes to our house for him. It says £16,000 in the total column yet the wording says Ninety Nine Thousand Pounds - its obvious they've rethought and decided to try to cheat him by not paying him too much. This saddens me and I go to the jail to tell him he's breaking out. He's dressed in prisoners outfit like the Charlie Chaplin movies and I help him break out but the scenes are all like the Charlie Chaplin movies. 05P 03
I dreamt I was awake (or I actually woke up). I felt a man in the room. He put his hand on my bed on my back to wake me. The covers were right up under my chin with my 2 hands tucked under my chin holding them. He was quiet (I sensed he couldn't make too much noise) and he wasn't calling my name but he was nudging me with his hands to wake me, pushing me. Waves of shock and fear went down my arms like electric currents. I woke up (or dreamt I woke up). This is a memory I thought, I knew, the place I was in was not the place I live now, there were blankets on the bed and not quilts like we have now. I was young then. 05P 28
My son was in the bath, I go over to him, the water is filthy and there are clusters of worms right beside him. He's got underpants on but I remember reading that worms can get in your orifices. In a terrible panic I scoop him out of the bath and run him under fresh water. My college room mate helps me, I'm doing all the right things despite panicking, then I go and have him checked. 05P 29
Had a meal around Xmas time with 3 girls I've met since moving to Plymouth. After the Restaurant people try to flog us different things, they put me off. I thought God they've become really commercial. One of the girls was raving about these pens her hubby had got abroad. She gave me one then explained she was thinking of flogging them. They were made of wood and the wood in the shaft was splitting which would give the user splinters. I knew this but didn't point it out. She pulled one out herself and said Oh dear, never mind, I'll tell him not to get any more. The pub were still trying to flog more stuff, they must be desperate I thought. 05P 39
In someone's house, noticed a kind of rockery of saucers outside, one had some tropical fish in it with nearly no water. One of the fish was trying to drink the drops, the others were a bit withered. I went to fill the saucer but found I was decanting the fish via the jug until finally the job was done and they were swimming again. 06P 04
Walking along and a wild animal came running passed, ignored me - interested in other things. I looked behind and saw a bear running towards me - as if to pass me but I was scared that it would attack me so I tried to divert its attention away by through my bra that I had in my hands. I thought that it would be warm and smell of human so it would attract the bear. In fact the bear had not noticed me it was too busy collecting snow. 06P 05
Staying with family, tell young man who lived there that I thought he was disgusting the way that he was peeing along way from the loo and happily missing - joking with his friend. When downstairs in room with the family, someone put one of the young guy's money down on the floor for him to collect along with his clothes etc. I took the £5.00 note and hid it - felt that my need was greater - poverty, fear of. But then when he came in I thought that he would know that it was missing so I said, 'look I found this money, is it yours?' so that I could put it back without being seen doing it. 06P 05
Cycling along, for a long time enjoying the freedom and the beautiful scenery etc. aware of passing traffic occasionally and of being aware that I was a long way from home and should take careA car was behind me and then shadows of people walking behind me - I felt that they were following me, so rather than guarding my back I turned round and headed back asking them what they were doing.They would not answer - they were silently looking at me - kept asking to no avail. The dream went on for a bit but I have forgotten the rest. 06P 07
Driving to doctors - had to sort out another top and a bra (second dream with a bra in it) because of investigation that doctor to do - asking friend whether she had to do things like this. - almost late, had to dash. 06P 09
Dreamed that I told friends that I did not think that partner and I would be together for long - that I wanted to have a kid on my own and was not in the relationship for the right reasons, and that I felt that my partner would be married to someone with kids very shortly. The image of my partner was actually my sister - weird. 06P 18
Dream: I was trying to do some yoga but I was too weak and tired and couldn't do any of the moves/poses - kept shaking and collapsing. 07P 02
Dream: I was in a film set in the 1950's. I was an American high school leaver and rebelled against my parents to go on holiday with some girlfriends. We met up with some guys when we got there. However, my boyfriend kidnapped me and I was very scared and also felt very foolish because my parents had been right in not wanting me to go. Got taken to a timber merchant where I was rescued by a man working there. 07P 02
Dream: it was the end of the world due to flooding. I was standing on a hill looking down at all the people playing in the sea which was encroaching upwards towards up. There was quite a party atmosphere - everyone was just watching and waiting. 07P 05
Dream: I had a food fight with my boss at work and won. I felt very cheeky and mischievous but knew I would get away with it. 07P 05
Dream: Walked through an empty shop and through to the owner's house above - knew it was wrong but wasn't scared of the repercussions - wasn't perturbed by owner's surprise at seeing me in his house and I just asked him for the things I wanted. Circus animals were being led down an alleyway by the shop which was very inconvenient but the owners took no notice of being told this. 07P 06
Dream: I was in a group of prostitutes who went to various houses to please the men there - felt quite indifferent about it - the other women were my allies and we all stuck together. 07P 07
Dream: It was my wedding and I only had half and hour to buy a dress and all the shops were about to close. I was rushing around in a panic and didn't get to a shop in time. At the end I just collapsed on the ground feeling totally beaten and upset. [I later found out that my mother had also had a dream that night that I was going to get married but it didn't happen]. 7P 09
Dream: I was with 3 colleagues from work and we all swapped identities. I had trouble remembering who was actually who or which body I was in. At the end we were all given some money and I got an extra bonus because I was meant to be able to use a certain computer programme. However, because they thought I was actually someone else (because I was in a different body) I had to admit that I couldn't use this programme. I was told that I could have an extra day to learn it but I had to give up on the money as I realised it was too complex to learn. 07P 11
Vaguely remember dream that my parents were insisting they come out to a nightclub with me and I was mortified. I kept trying to tell them they would hate it - can't remember what happened in the end. 07P 14
Dream: there was a stray black lamb, which had very soft fur, out in the gardens which I rescued and it lay sleeping in my arms while I carried it away. Felt very touched it would let me do this and felt responsible for it. 07P 15
Dream: A big tough looking man was pulling small monkeys up a rope ladder, shouting at them and forcing them all into tiny cages. All the monkeys look petrified and scrawny. I felt really sorry for them but didn't even think of trying to help them because the man was too big and fierce. 07P 16
Dream: The queen had come to give a speech to a large group of us. I thought the whole thing was pointless and had no respect for her. I started singing rubbish words during one of the hymns. At the end the queen stopped behaving formally and agreed she was just there to have some fun. 07P 16
Dream: had a dream which was a very literal reflection of my feelings: was at college and suffering from migraine, I was told to just hang in there - felt glad to be surrounded by others and did not feel I had the power to go against the advice given - happy to go along with what was being asked of me even though suffering. 07P 32
Woke suddenly as dreamt that I had vomited on the floor. 08P 03
Dreams: as I was coming out of the depression I started waking up knowing that I had dreamed and half remembering the dreams. I cannot remember the details, but the themes were of change of location, pleasurable activity, nice warm sunny weather with a beautiful soft light on the place where I was living and feeling happier than I have felt for a long time. I woke up feeling energised and optimistic. This lasted for about 3 mornings. 09P 00
I hardly ever dream and only remember vague feelings of good or bad if I do, but I had a really weird dream: I was at a swimming gala, but in full evening dress standing in an opera box which was positioned over the swimming pool like a large round diving board. A man in a shiny grey suit who looked dark and menacing like a Mafia type was leaning his back and hands on the edge of the box opposite me and trying to lift me up and push me over by kicking at me with his feet, I was resisting but he kept getting toe hold in the folds of my long dress. No-one below knew what was happening. I woke up feeling unsettled. 09P 32
Dream of being in a shop and there are shelves with lots of objects, I think most of them are made from wood. I find a nice wooden planter with a plant inside - it was £50.00 and now it is down to 58p. I think what a bargain and hold onto it - other people in the shop come up and ask me where I got it. I say over on that shelf and then I look somewhere else and find some big wooden pepper mills that were £17.00 and are now down to 70p. I seem to be the only one that can find these bargains. 10P 02
Dream: I drive up in front of my house and suddenly aware of a care pulling up behind me, it parks carelessly. An oriental man gets out - he is smoking some substance in what looks like a small frying pan - he sucks the smoke through the handle of the pan. He looks stoned. He is wearing quite scruffy, hippie looking clothes. He has a bandana around his head. He comes up behind me and starts to choke me - I realise that his grip gets stronger then starts to weaken then stronger again. During one of the is smartly dressed and seems to be signing autographs. He looks down at me and smirks. I think if only they knew what you were really like. It feels like it is something about image. the beds. There are some bedraggled fuchsias but I know they would thrive quite soon if well planted. I am touched by the power in nature. I am running some humus through my hands thinking about the need to enrich the soil to assist the growth. Boyfriend turns up. It is wonderful to see him. We don't need to speak. It is all said with the eyes in a smile. I wake feeling I've been given a gift."wrong - I wanted just one name". I feel disappointed as I was on the verge of winning something really big. I feel 10P 03
Dream: Negro woman inviting me into her house, I am there to interview her about lung cancer but she shows me a left mastectomy scar. She seems very positive about everything. 10P 03
Dream: Feel like I am being accused of having an affair with this person who I know is a real womaniser. I am crying trying to convince his wife that I am not. I feel really frustrated and misrepresented. I feel why should I have to justify myself to these people. 10P 03
Dream: For some reason I am trying to get a job in a furniture shop but I am only there because I want my daughter to get a job too. The woman says I can start right away. I ask about my daughter and she says there is no job for her. I feel really angry and say that I am not going to work either. I look down and my suit is all stained - I think how could I wear such dirty clothes for an interview. 10P 03
Dream: Vague but the bit I remember was a woman showing me a gold chain with 2 nougats on it each one apparently representing a disease that she had - I think they were dyslexia and diabetes. 10P 06
Dream: Black man tries to give me and my friend some money. She says no and I say yes. He seems friendly and nice. As soon as he has given me the money he changes, he seems suddenly menacing - it is as if I now owe him something. I try to give him the money back but he will not take it. He wants me to do something for him but I am not sure what it is, I try to get away from him but I can't. Get the feeling of "there's nothing for nothing" and "no such thing as a free lunch". 10P 11
Dream: Different scenarios to do with money and corruption. Someone is being investigated for not doing a good enough job - but the investigator is pretending he is there for another reason. I find out that someone is making a profit but not declaring it and I jokingly say I am going to "grass them up". I am at a party. I have the feeling that there is "something going on". There is something threatening about the atmosphere. I am aware that there are criminals a