Reindeer Moss
The Homœopathic Proving of
Cladonia Rangifera
A Personal Overview of the Proving
by Peter Fraser
This is an overview of some of the themes that arose from the proving of Reindeer Moss by students at The School of Homœopathy.
It has been compiled by one person who has read all of the proving diaries and so it is a personal impression of some of the themes of the remedy with a very small selection of proving symptoms that illustrate those themes.
It is not a picture that has had any clinical verification and so must remain speculative: a working hypothesis.
It is no way a substitute for the full proving that is also published on this site.
The central preoccupation of the remedy would seem to be a deep sense of insecurity.
Began the drive home - had the sensation of a lump in my chest and throat as
if about to cry. Felt very, very low and underconfident. Very small and insecure.
Wanted to cry.
01P 03 7.00 NS
Feel lonely and fed up. I'm tired of doing all the parenting
on my own, I feel like I'm not equipped for it, working blind all the time and
the goalposts keep moving.
05P 25 XX.XX NS
Burst into tears when spoke to supervisor
and found it hard to stop sobbing throughout call. Felt very weak and over emotional.
Felt better after crying. Was looking for and better for sympathy. Followed
boyfriend around flat all evening. Didn't want to be on own.
07P 28 XX.XX NS
Dream: I was trying to do some yoga but I was too weak and tired and couldn't
do any of the moves/poses - kept shaking and collapsing.
07P 02
and a feeling of vulnerability.
Went for a walk in a place where I did not like the atmosphere and even looked
behind me several times to see if I was being followed - I didn't feel safe.
02P 20 XX.XX NS
Not really aware of anything until afternoon break. Have a cold feeling inside
- for some reason it reminds me of when I was a teenager - that feeling of not
quite belonging, feeling vulnerable, feeling different somehow. I feel like
I want to put on a nice fluffy all in one suit, zip it up and curl up alone
somewhere.
10P 02 4:.3:0 NS
Feel very shaky, small, fragile, breaking. I'm going to get hurt. Am I making
mistakes?
17P 20 XX.XX NS
Dreamt of an awkward mother criticising her child's education, and the child
crying in my arms and showing fear for his mother.
02P 12
Dream: I was in a film set in the 1950's. I was an American high school leaver
and rebelled against my parents to go on holiday with some girlfriends. However,
my boyfriend kidnapped me and I was very scared and also felt very foolish because
my parents had been right in not wanting me to go.
07P 02
This can even become a feeling of invisibility.
Nearly had 2 crashes in the car today, not my fault. I keep saying to myself
"I don't believe this, can't they see me or something".
10P 05 XX.XX NS
Walking along and a wild animal came running passed, ignored me - interested
in other things. I looked behind and saw a bear running towards me - as if to
pass me but I was scared that it would attack me so In fact the bear had not
noticed me it was too busy collecting snow.
06P 05
This insecurity leads to considerable anxiety.
Feeling of tremendous anxiety and dread, anything I think of that I need to
do today feel to be too much and I can't cope with it. Feel quite depressed
and de-motivated.
03P 14 8.00 NS
Everyone was speaking into the video camera about the past month's symptoms,
there was no way I could have spoken even off camera. This anxiety is so intense
I think it should be called fear, even terror.
03P 30 XX.XX NS
Feeling freaked out - about life, diet, being toxic, not having any money,
not doing any homework, well freaked out about just about everything really.
15P 39 XX.XX NS
It also results in feelings of detachment
Felt very detached, separate, not really there, for the whole journey home.
01P 03 8.00 NS
Ate little food for lunch then walked in the garden alone, wanted to be alone,
felt I could not 'connect' with people.
03P 03 XX.XX NS
Feel distant. Detached. Want to be left alone, want to go to bed and curl up
alone. Feel quite ill, can't get warm.
17P 02 XX.XX NS
and eventually complete isolation.
A strong feature was the way in which I dealt with being on my own. Normally
something I am perfectly comfortable with, I have felt very isolated and uncomfortable
whenever I have been alone throughout the proving.
02P 00 XX.XX NS
Looked up at group and it felt like everyone was a stranger - I was not connected
with them. Felt very ill at ease.
07P 01 7.00 NS
Others in the class seem smaller, further away.
17P 01 8.00 NS
In the intellectual sphere it causes confusion,
Very confused feeling - just can't settle to my work at all. Can't think about
even basic organisational things, such as where I've filed certain papers, or
how to approach the homework question. Foggy. Confused. Can't concentrate.
01P 08 4.00 NS
Misread some letters on a van - realised this is about the third time I've
done this in the last week.
02P 09 XX.XX NS
Fuzzy headed in supermarket - got confused easily. Music playing and tills
bleeping all merged together - felt absorbed by it.
07P 01 8.00 NS
Effort to do anything. Completely disorganized. Things keep happening unexpectedly
and I can't seem to plan.
13P 22 XX.XX NS
Dream: I was with 3 colleagues from work and we all swapped identities. I had
trouble remembering who was actually who or which body I was in.
07P 11
and forgetfulness.
Forgetful - carried a letter up to the village to post & forgot to do so,
despite being in the Post Office! Carried it back towards home & posted
it on the way, but then 2 minutes later couldn't remember whether I'd posted
it or not.
01P 05 XX.XX NS
Supervisor commented that I was absent-minded/forgetful which made me realise
that I am not trusting my memory as much as usual and am concerned about writing
down important things
02P 15 XX.XX NS
Keep losing things, keys etc. Keep ferreting about in bags and pockets, can't
find things that were there a moment ago.
14P 02 XX.XX NS
Lost car keys. Checked for keys before leaving college. Had left keys on kitchen
table.
17P 01 8.00 NS
This is physically manifested as clumsiness.
Very clumsy this morning - dropping things in the kitchen; tried to pull open
the front door while the security chain was still on it, etc.
01P 06 XX.XX NS
Spilt a mug of coffee I didn't see all down left leg. Bag of apples fell off
checkout in supermarket. Left purse at home when I went shopping.
02P 05 12.00 NS
Feel clumsy - always stumbling and dropping things.
13P 12 XX.XX NS
One area of compensation for this insecurity is through a Soul Mate and a symbiotic relationship with a partner. The substance is not a true moss but a lichen, which consists of a fungus and an algae in a symbiotic relationship. The fungus provides protection and structure; while the algae photosynthesizes carbohydrates that feed them both. There is also a great dependency on the lichen by the reindeer (which are known as caribou in North America), as in turn there is on the reindeer by the Laplanders and the Innuit. In the extreme Arctic conditions such dependencies are absolute and any failing in them would undoubtedly result in annihilation.
Felt quite lonely on arriving back home; desired company, and a partner.
02P 38 XX.XX NS
A strong feeling during the proving, which has remained, was of a very deep
bond with my husband, that I couldn't exist without him. There was a fear that
I would lose him, thet he would leave me, and a jealousy that was totally irrational,
that something would divide us and I would not be able to exist without him.
17P 00 XX.XX NS
The ongoing insecurity means that there is a continuous jealousy,
Episode of real jealousy in the evening. It seemed really out of context something
that would normally go over my head just made me see red. Partner seemed quite
shocked at the way I was questioning him over a woman that he had been working
with. I was making out that he was keeping things from me - deep inside I knew
he wasn't and that it was all nonsense but somehow I couldn't seem to stop myself
pursuing this jealous thing.
10P 19 XX.XX NS
Jealousy - unfounded and foolish. The feeling is there's only room for two,
him and me. Jealousy with a pain in the centre of the chest.
12P 00 XX.XX NS
Felt very upset again by female friend's attitude, style, behaviour on Friday
evening. Felt she had been attempting "intellectual sex" with boyfriend.
Re-heard her saying "I was worried you felt left out" as really "I
wanted to push you out". Saw her as a predatory female - Shiva - sex and
destruction. Felt displaced and needing my nest.
14P 10 XX.XX NS
Feel annoyed with the friend who keeps asking me for things. She hangs around
with my boyfriend and I, asks me again for tobacco and wine, and then won't
leave. Once the wine is finished, she asks if there is any more, and then asks
for more tobacco. Dreamt that boyfriend and the friend were trying to have an
affair, but that I was in the way.
15P 21 XX.XX NS
Asked partner about who he was meeting on Friday, he merely said "a friend".
Feel rejected, not trusted, reminds me of previous husbands tricks.
17P 20 XX.XX NS
Very jealous of cat on partner's lap.
17P 23 XX.XX NS
Dream: Partner had a daughter called Laurie, a tall girl with blond curly hair.
He received a letter from his ex wife - Laurie's mother and I realised that
he left his wife for no reason at all. I feel very insecure and feel he will
go back to her. He cries as he reads the letter.
03P 02
Dream: my partner met and married another woman but he was still
living with me. He was with her a lot and I felt like an outsider even though
I was included in what they were doing, like a friend or a sister. I could not
understand why he was married to her and did not live with her. She had moved
into an old terraced house requiring a lot of work on it. I was despondent knowing
my partner would be round there a lot doing it up for her. Eventually I got
round to thinking about me and what I wanted and whether or not I would put
up with the situation. I arrived at no solution. I woke up then.
03P 25
Dream - about my partner's ex wife whom
I have never met - I find out that she is studying homoeopathy too. Then she
turns up at partner's mums very smartly dressed with her hair done nicely. She
looks very attractive but has this smirk on her face. I feel really angry and
jealous - I feel like I am dressed like a frump, unattractive fat. I feel really
intensely jealous and start jumping about making a fool of myself, calling her
names, thumping her car, I can't believe how stupid and childish I am being
but I can't control myself. She is just smirking at me all the time and her
friends are laughing at me.
10P 27
Dream tonight about my partner and this woman who has a young son. He introduces
me to her and I feel really uncomfortable with her - I feel really jealous like
there has been something going on behind my back although its more her than
him. The little boy seems to know him well and runs up to him, she has a kind
of grin on her face like she knows I am jealous of her, I start saying really
nasty things to her but she just laughs and he looks really annoyed with me.
I think he likes her and I realise how precious he is to me.
10P 48
and a dwelling on the breaking down of partner relationships.
Allow myself to dwell on old failed disastrous relationship I had when I used
to garden for a living. I've not wanted or allowed myself to dwell on this before
or explore feelings.
04P 22 XX.XX NS
Woke feeling desolate about boyfriend leaving. Is it worth the pain? He said,
"At least you can cry". Both sad. I feel OK to cry, which isn't usual.
Usually I try and bottle it up.
14P 10 XX.XX NS
Went to view a house and partner suggested that we might need to live apart
so that he can keep his rented home going and I move into the one we buy with
my children - to keep his council tenancy. I am furious and hurt. It feels like
keeping his 2 Bedroom council house is more important than us all being together
in a bigger place.
17P 22 XX.XX NS
Dreamed that I told friends that I did not think that partner and I would be together for long - that I wanted to have a kid on my own and was not in the relationship for the right reasons, and that I felt that my partner would be married to someone with kids very shortly. The image of my partner was actually my sister - weird. 06P 18
Dream: Feel like I am being accused of having an affair with this person who
I know is a real womaniser. I am crying trying to convince his wife that I am
not. I feel really frustrated and misrepresented. I feel why should I have to
justify myself to these people.
10P 03
Dream: My ex husband is in it, he looks really young like when we first met about the age of 19. He is moving towards me as if to kiss me, I don't feel like resisting but there is a nagging feeling inside me - its a mixture of I must avoid this kiss and so avoid all the pain I know we went through or it could actually be a new beginning. It is like a conflict, as if I have seconds to make the right choice. 10P 25
Dream about coming back from somewhere and someone is in my bed when I want
to get into it.
15P 10
Dream about bumping into an ex-boyfriend and despising him.
15P 11
Keep having dreams about boyfriend trying to kill me (in reality he's very
non-violent). Running after me with a meat cleaver, pretending he was just carrying
it and that it wasn't a weapon. I managed to lock myself behind a glass door.
He was on the other side telling me not to be so stupid, that he wasn't going
to hurt me. He made as if to put the cleaver down, not noticing that I was unbolting
the door to let him in. Before I'd unbolted the door he picked it up again,
screaming something like "oh fuck it, of course I'm going to kill you"
and swung the cleaver at the door. I woke up with boyfriend lying next to me
- I woke him to tell him - he wasn't greatly amused. Another one a couple of
weeks ago. Boyfriend had a group of us (whoever 'us' is) hostage in a room with
a gun to someone's head. I knew that if I intervened I could grab the gun and
shoot it off somewhere else. I think I lunged for it but realised someone would
get killed if I persisted. Then he had the gun to my head. Eventually I said
something like "okay, pull the trigger", he did and it suddenly became
clear that it was a harmless cardboard gun.
15P 74
Suspicion,
Suspicious of others' motives - someone is waiting to jump into my shoes.
12P 00 XX.XX NS
Feeling like I'm being 'got at' by others.
15P 03 XX.XX NS
Suspicious, I feel that plans are being hatched, traps are being laid.
17P 00 XX.XX NS
and a feeling of being used, duped or badly treated are found within partner relationships,
Have an argument with husband about his high social life, whilst I am left
at home to do all the work and ferry the children. Still have the feeling of
refusing to be dumped on unless it suits me.
09P 08 XX.XX NS
Feel very anti boyfriend. Feel used, picked up and put down again. Feel very
resentful. There is nothing objectively to support it viewed in one way but
it is my feeling response. I feel angry. I would like to say it's all over,
let's forget it but also feel now is not the time to react. Am finding it hard
to work, concentrate. I hate him so much and want to finish it. I would like
to scream. There is nowhere to put it.
14P 18 XX.XX NS
Boyfriend wakes me with tea and sexual advances. I feel very much in the mood
to have sex, but feel indignant when it becomes clear that he only wants me
to make him come. I feel he's a selfish fuck - literally. Angry, pissed off,
leave without saying goodbye. Feeling taken very taken for granted by friends
and by boyfriend.
15P 42 XX.XX NS
but are also projected onto the wider world.
Irritated by company, need to be on my own. Get very cold when the fire goes
out. I have lent my blanket to someone else in the class and now feel that I
can't ask for it back. Feel irritated that she doesn't notice how cold I am.
15P 02 XX.XX NS
Fed up with a certain friend who keeps asking me to do her 'favours'. She always
asks for something within 10 seconds of seeing me. The phone rings twice and
I don't answer it because I think it might be her.
15P 07 XX.XX NS
Dreams within dreams. Woke up in my dream, and the B&B room had been changed
around. When I figured it was a trick, I went back to sleep within my dream,
and woke up again with the room changed once more. This occured 2-3 times, and
when I finally woke up, I wasn't sure if it was reality or not. The whole theme
was disguise, trickery, deceit.
13P 02
Curiosity is, perhaps, a less negative aspect of this suspicion.
We arrive in B&B kitchen and I start to look inside all the tins that in
the kitchen. She has a table with lots of different coloured tins that probably
had biscuits or chocolates in them at one time. Some of them are very pretty.
I am opening them and looking inside. Then I open her freezer and start pulling
out drawers in the freezer. What am I doing, this is just not me? It is like
I want to know what is inside.
10P 01 9.00 NS
On the way to work I'm suddenly very curious about the walled gardens of the
houses lining on of the streets. It feels like I need to know what's behind
the walls. Wish I was a cat walking along the walls from one walled garden to
the next. Get to work without even noticing that I'm there.
15P 07 XX.XX NS
Dreamt I was eavesdropping.
02P 03
Dreamt something about miniature X-rays being distributed to a group of us
- can see skeletons and bones in hands - something to do with solving an age-old
murder.
15P 05
Not all authorities believe that the relationship between the fungus and the algae is a symbiotic one. I am grateful to Frans Vermeulen for the following quote from M.C. Cooke - Romance of Low Life Amongst Plants; London 1893. In which another view of the relationship is expressed. This interpretation perhaps illuminates the feeling of being used and abused.
"As the result of my researches, all these growths [lichens] are not simple plants, not individuals, in the ordinary sense of the word; they are rather colonies, which consist of hundreds and thousands of individuals, of which, however, one alone plays the master, whilst the rest in perpetual captivity prepare the nutriment for themselves and their master. This master is a fungus of the class Ascomyces, a parasite which is accustomed to live upon others' work; its slaves are green algae, which it has sought out, or indeed caught hold of, and compelled into its service. It surrounds them as a spider its prey, with a fibrous net of narrow meshes, which is gradually converted into an impenetrable covering; but whilst the spider sucks its prey and leaves it dead, the fungus incites the algae found in its net to more rapid activity; nay, to more vigorous increase."
The second main compensation would seem to be around money and materialism.
Dream of being in a shop and there are shelves with lots of objects, I think
most of them are made from wood. I find a nice wooden planter with a plant inside
- it was £50.00 and now it is down to 58p. I think what a bargain and
hold onto it - other people in the shop come up and ask me where I got it. I
say over on that shelf and then I look somewhere else and find some big wooden
pepper mills that were £17.00 and are now down to 70p. I seem to be the
only one that can find these bargains.
10P 02
I was a Spanish child with other Spanish children. We found money. We were
dressed in rags.
13P 02
Dreamt I was giving money away (£2 coins) to local people in Finland.
There's a feeling that this is a very poor country and that £2 would be
a year's salary for them - this will keep them alive, but I'm worried that I
won't have enough money left for me.
15P 03
Gold and shiny things were important.
Golden yellow has attracted my attention this evening, and seems to be more
obvious than other colours.
02P 01 XX.XX NS
Sang a new song with 'gold' in it.
02P 05 XX.XX NS
Noticing all the shiny objects about, taps, door knobs, my bracelet.
17P 02 XX.XX NS
And there was anxiety about money.
Very, very anxious about money again.Getting hot flushes at the thought of
money - how much we've been spending lately (even though it's all been on necessities).
Panicky.
01P 12 XX.XX OS
I feel easily upset, fragile and weepy. Extremely anxious about money - I'm
running out! On being presented with the Access bill I experienced rapid heart
rate, feeling of stress, trembling, dry mouth, desire to open bowels, slight
nausea.
03P 05 XX.XX NS
My old fears and insecurities about money are coming back - yet I am spending
money I shouldn't. Not like me at all.
05P 19 XX.XX NS
Dreaming about mother being robbed of her jewellery and feeling
a sense of personal loss.
03P 09
Dream: Black man tries to give me and
my friend some money. She says no and I say yes. He seems friendly and nice.
As soon as he has given me the money he changes, he seems suddenly menacing
- it is as if I now owe him something. I try to give him the money back but
he will not take it. He wants me to do something for him but I am not sure what
it is, I try to get away from him but I can't. Get the feeling of "there's
nothing for nothing" and "no such thing as a free lunch".
10P 11
Thieving is related to this theme.
Went to a charity shop and took a book without paying for it. Very out of character.
No moral value attached.
14P 07 XX.XX NS
Vague dream of being in school as a teacher I think. One aspect was really
vivid though: picked up someone's gold and amethyst earrings to admire, then
realised she'd gone and I'd still got them.
02P 11
Dream: Staying with family. When downstairs in room with the family, someone
put one of the young guy's money down on the floor for him to collect along
with his clothes, etc. I took the £5.00 note and hid it - felt that my
need was greater - poverty, fear of. But then when he came in I thought that
he would know that it was missing so I said, 'look I found this money, is it
yours?' so that I could put it back without being seen doing it.
06P 05
As probably are Magpies which have a love of shiny things and a reputation for thieving.
For my piece of mind I have to record something that I have been aware of all
through the proving. It may be nothing. It is magpies. A few days before the
proving started a Magpie actually sat outside my window looking into my study.
It gave me a real fright at the time. I am just so aware of them all the time.
I can guarantee that every time I look out of my window - there he is one single
magpie either hopping over the road or just sitting in front of me. Weird.
10P 00 XX.XX NS
The two compensations come together in rings which have a material value and are also representative of the partner relationship.
Fiddled with my ring a lot this evening.
02P 01 XX.XX NS
One of our regular customers came in and I immediately noticed a new gold (wedding)
ring on her ring finger. As I served her it came out in conversation that she
had been recently married, last Saturday - the ring was new.
11P 04 XX.XX NS
Insecurity leads to strong feelings of guilt.
Feel panicky and very anxious, trapped, as if I can't do anything, afraid to
move - as if afraid what ever I do is wrong and inviting punishment.
03P 07 XX.XX OS
I've felt guilty for the past two weeks, seemingly addicted to a stupid game
on the computer which I keep switching into instead of working. This is not
what I do! I'm still doing it and trying to hide it from my family and not even
telling my proving supervisor; it's too embarrassing.
04P 21 XX.XX NS
Saw another parent at school, moaning to her, wasn't interested in her problems
I just offloaded onto her. I felt guilty afterwards.
05P 22 XX.XX NS
Feeling of being slightly out of it. Don't feel in control - want to run away
from work before get told off for any mistakes.
07P 05 XX.XX NS
Dream: In a sort of smoky club or pub. There is a man sitting with his back
to me on a stool at the bar. He has red hair. I see a knife on the floor - I
know it is his and I pick it up. It has traces of blood on it. I try to give
it to him. I ask him if he has the sheath for it. He just ignores me and will
not take the knife off me. Suddenly the bar starts to fill up with lots of people.
I am afraid that someone will crush against the knife and I will stab them.
I beg him to take it off me. He will not. I suddenly think Oh God it has got
my fingerprints on it, I will get the blame if this knife had killed anyone.
I want to throw it back down on the floor, but I think I can't because my prints
are all over it. Feel like I have been stitched up.
10P 23
Dream: of a war, I was on a military ship (in space?), I was being pursued
for something that I had done wrong.
11P 06
These feelings are made manifest in issues of dirt,
The water has been off all day for maintenance in the area. I've been feeling
filthy, grimy, dirty, diseased, itchy. Really, really want to get clean, but
there hasn't been even any cold water, let alone any for a bath. I feel disgusting.
I stink. I repulse myself. Water finally back on - had bath. The water was soothing.
Felt slightly better, able to get dressed & face leaving the house.
01P 13 XX.XX NS
The house is untidy and dirty, I'm getting no help with cleaning and cooking
(but I'm not asking for it and don't feel I should have to lower myself to ask).
04P 15 XX.XX NS
Generally untidy and unmotivated - my desk is in a terrible mess and the flat
is very untidy but it's not bothering me (unusual).
07P 15 XX.XX NS
Strange thing is that I do not want to bath and wash as much as usual. Usually
bath every other day and strip wash or shower every day, but I do not fancy
lying in the bath or even having a shower. I do not want to undress and get
colder.
09P 00 XX.XX NS
Drank too much wine. Pissed in a saucepan in the kitchen (not one I use for
cooking!) because I wanted to carry on listening to something on the radio.
I feel beyond morals.
14P 16 XX.XX NS
Dog shit figured in my dream. We were sitting at a table outside
to eat food and to work in exercise books and there was dog shit on the table,
it was very dried up and hard. My partner moved it to the end of the table.
I felt as if the whole table was contaminated, I also felt his hands were contaminated,
I was most uncomfortable. There was other lumps of it around on the ground,
not a lot but enough to make the area smell of it.
03P 19
My son was in the bath, I go over to him, the water is filthy
and there are clusters of worms right beside him. He's got underpants on but
I remember reading that worms can get in your orifices. In a terrible panic
I scoop him out of the bath and run him under fresh water.
05P 29
Picking at things,
Very conscious of bits off fluff on my clothes must pick them off,, never realised
before that they were there.
09P 01 XX.XX NS
Very fidgety, especially feet. Picking at clothes - pulling the dog hairs out
of my jumper, feel as if I'm looking for fleas! Even wanted to pick the hairs
out of my neighbour's socks.
11P 01 7:.30 NS
Cleaning and organizing,
Decided to have another bath - the idea of being in lots of hot, soothing water
seems like a good one -the only thing I can think of which even vaguely appeals.
01P 16 XX.XX NS
Finished sorting out kitchen then moved on to other cupboards, clearing out
games, books, clothes etc.
02P 24 XX.XX NS
Urge to move furniture and pictures around - carried it out. Pleased with the
results.
08P 04 11.00 NS
Very efficient and single minded. Organised my jobs for the day before the
school run and going straight to town to sort out banking, etc. Instead of beings
involved in every last detail of everyone's lives I am just getting on with
any things.
09P 04 XX.XX NS
Dream. Something to do with Tupperware, sorting left-overs into plastic tubs.
01P 08
And purification.
Feel kind of restless to do something, but I don't know what. Feel that things
are moving slowly. I feel frustrated - I want to clean and purify everything.
13P 17 XX.XX NS
I want to lead a clean life, have lots of fresh air and exercise but not swimming.
Really don't like the idea of cold cool or tepid water.
14P 12 XX.XX NS
There appear to be two paths of increasing pathology in the remedy, one active and one passive.
The active pattern can be positive in being mischievous,
Spoke to husband on 'phone - he said that I sounded frisky, which sums up how
I've been feeling all evening. I want to be naughty, mischievous.
11P 01 1.00 NS
More daring and jesting in class.
13P 00 XX.XX NS
Dream: I had a food fight with my boss at work and won. I felt very cheeky
and mischievous but knew I would get away with it.
07P 05
And in being forthright and standing up for oneself.
It has occurred to me that my mother chooses to say the things she says and
treat me as she does. This has never happened to me before, it is a revelation
- I have decided that I won't put up with that treatment anymore.
05P 22 XX.XX NS
Will not do anything unless I want to do it: do not argue or shout just look
at the person and carry on with my own work. Haughty.
09P 07 XX.XX NS
More outspoken and less diplomatic than usual. Met a teacher from my daughter's
old school and told her why daughter had left instead of the usual platitudes.
09P 08 XX.XX NS
At work today I feel as if I am being unfairly treated. I feel really annoyed
about it and later I go to her to put the record straight. I almost feel like
I don't care about the consequences. My normal reaction would have been just
to have been annoyed but thought oh well never mind its not worth getting worked
up about but for some reason I couldn't just leave it like that this time. I
feel like I am just expressing myself as I feel it rather than filtering it
out as much as I usually do. It feels quite liberating.
10P 25 XX.XX NS
I feel more carefree with what I say. I am not choosing my words so cautiously.
13P 05 XX.XX NS
Feel very in control. Feel able to control the love valve so that I'm not pouring
out unconditional love. Feel much more able to stand up for myself. Funny how
wonderfully healthy conditional love feels -"I'll love you if you love
me" type thing.
15P 11 XX.XX NS
It deteriorates through restlessness,
Very restless around music - need to tap to it and wanted to dance (unusual
for me).
02P 01 XX.XX NS
And a feeling of being trapped.
Felt I was pacing like an animal.
13P 01 1.00 NS
Daughter poorly. Feel totally trapped in house.
14P 46 XX.XX NS
Dream: A big tough looking man was pulling small monkeys up a rope ladder,
shouting at them and forcing them all into tiny cages. All the monkeys look
petrified and scrawny. I felt really sorry for them but didn't even think of
trying to help them because the man was too big and fierce.
07P 16
Dreams of being imprisoned behind bars.
15P 02
To irritability,
Easily irritated by small things - not being able to fit something into the
fridge, knocking something over, people getting in my way at the supermarket,
etc.
01P 08 XX.XX NS
Very irritable - swearing at other drivers, at anything which annoys me.
01P 12 XX.XX NS
Felt very irritable and cross when I had to answer the phone this evening.
Unusual for me.
03P 04 XX.XX NS
Started to feel quite impatient - wanted to get the lecture finished - didn't
like other people interrupting. Feel more edgy, slightly irritable. Intolerant
and tired.
07P 02 12.00 NS
Snappy with people and easily annoyed. Showed it more than I usually would.
13P 28 XX.XX NS
Very rude and impatient with train service researcher. Cannot tolerate anything
which smacks of interference or interruption.
16P 04 XX.XX NS
Censoriousness,
Extremely irritable. Thinking very unkind, uncharitable thoughts about my husband's
friend, who has come to stay for a couple of days. Although I'm perfectly nice
to him, I can't stop myself from thinking about what a loser, waster, stupid
drunken useless jerk he is. I normally don't mind him, though I do find his
constant smoking & drinking annoying - but today my thoughts about him so
are vicious that I surprise myself.
01P 07 XX.XX NS
Confrontation,
Confrontational - aware that I feel very confrontational all the the time -
trying to moderate it as I do not want to cause unnecessary trouble. On three
separate occasions have stood up for myself where I would normally have swallowed
my indignation.
08P 20 XX.XX NS
Dreamed that I was in the cast of 'Friends', talking to one of the female cast members while she was having a bubble-bath. She was pregnant & the Father of the child didn't want anything to do with it / her. He came in; I confronted him; pinned him to the wall by his neck & gave him hell. 01P 16
Anger,
Met daughter out of school. She had a scowl on face, it was all downhill from
there. Everyone, everything is irritating. I feel so angry. I haven't felt this
angry for ages. It's all deep, simmering away like a cauldron. Want to be left
alone. Just want to sit, feel put upon and neglected. Just want to sit and stare
out of window.
14P 18 XX.XX NS
Feeling really fucking contrary. Don't like writing proving diary - don't know
whether I should write on the left or the right hand side - don't understand
the guidelines for writing this. Don't know where to go when I turn the page.
Hate it. Hate this book. Hate having to monitor every fucking emotion. Feel
sick and sad and irritable. Feel very contrary.
15P 08 4.30 NS
And violence
Watched a violent film and enjoyed it, especially hand grenades throwing men
into the air - I don't usually enjoy such stuff.
02P 01 XX.XX NS
Wanted to snarl, wanted to bite something.
07P 01 7:.3:0 NS
Tantrums - pinching and throwing things around the room. Hysterical crying
- hate everyone at work and want to make them feel the same pain as I do.
13P 43 XX.XX NS
Feeling excessive anger- hate everyone and want to kill.
13P 43 XX.XX NS
Dreamt of cutting those who betrayed me with a knife.
13P 43
The passive pattern is positive in contentment,
Feeling of great contentment all day - would really like to stay at Yondercott,
to be here with all these wonderful people every day. Beautiful.
01P 03 XX.XX NS
Fell good, cheerful - really want to be out in the sun.
07P 03 XX.XX NS
Have been quite content on days when have been on my own in the flat - usually
get a bit down if others haven't been around.
07P 15 XX.XX NS
I'm self-contained, contented but not to the exclusion of other people and
things. Time is a human construct, it doesn't matter. Things are much slower.
14P 04 XX.XX NS
And calmness.
Told I am calmer since starting this proving, and less bothered by the things
which usually bother me.
02P 21 XX.XX NS
Partner says I'm calmer, more patient since weekend.
04P 04 XX.XX NS
Felt very calm and relaxed driving home - very unusual.
08P 01 8.00 NS
Have been leaning back in chair watching the birds flying and clouds moving.
Could just sit and watch all day.
14P 20 XX.XX NS
This can be expressed in earthy,
Felt physically close to the ground when out walking.
02P 05 XX.XX NS
The first two nights of the proving I woke at four am just at the first glimmerings
of light and thought I had to go scuffling in the bushes, for a scrabble in
the earth.
14P 02 XX.XX NS
Feel like a small furry prickly animal that would like to nest down and hide.
14P 18 XX.XX NS
Non -stop gardening, tons of energy. Felt very loving towards the earth and
plant, etc.
14P 38 XX.XX NS
Dreamt I was a mole underground.
02P 18
And velvety imagery.
Meditating after dose - got strong sudden image of my cat with a feeling of
warm, black furry-ness. Had a real desire to cuddle him, to bury my face in
his fur.
03P 01 7.30 NS
Very drawn to dark/black hair. People's eyes look dark and beautiful.
15P 01 1.00 NS
I'm wearing black - it feels like a very strange colour to be wearing. Black
feels velvety - like a hole or a burrow, comforting and earthy. I'm very drawn
to black. Dark colours seem velvety. Feeling warm, fuzzy and safe in my head.
Everyone's become smaller. Want to go down a black hole and hibernate in a swirling
burrow. Soft black fur and warm furry feeling.
15P 01 XX.XX NS
It deteriorates into apathy,
Generally a bit foggy & dull. Would like to go back to bed, or just watch
TV all day, something that takes no brain-power.
01P 05 XX.XX NS
In the afternoon I felt very dopey and contented. Couldn't concentrate for
extended periods - mind totally drifted off. Felt drowsy and languid and just
wanted to bask in the sun at lunch-time.
07P 02 XX.XX NS
Exhausted - don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to sit and stare into
space. Takes forever and hurts to do a simple task. Want to stay in bed all
day.
13P 37 XX.XX NS
And procrastination.
Can't seem to click things together, very laid back and lethargic, no sense
of urgency.
05P 10 XX.XX NS
I was supposed to be visiting a friend, I just couldn't be bothered to go,
I didn't want to go out. I felt like letting her down completely not even bothering
to call her. I could quite happily have done just that not worried about her
feelings at all. I just didn't want to see anyone.
05P 22 XX.XX NS
I know this is a good opportunity today to get on with some homework etc. but
I just can't get motivated. The strange thing is usually I would be getting
really uptight about it and forcing myself to do something but I am just not
worrying about it. I am sort of forgiving myself - you can't do it all etc.
don't worry about it, it will be okay. These are the kind of statements flowing
through my mind. It feels good, I am not being as hard on myself, I feel like
well I am doing my best and that's good enough, what will be will be.
10P 23 XX.XX NS
And deepens into depression
Sick of being an adult, of having so many responsibilities, things to sort
out, pay for, take care of. Too many worries. I'd like to be 14 again, to be
back living with my parents, all responsibilities lifted from me, nothing important
to worry about. I guess I'm still basically feeling that I can't really cope
with anything. Everything seems too much. Went to yoga class, in the hope that
that would somehow help me to make a connection with myself - I feel so detached,
as if I'm barely functioning, & even then only on auto-pilot. I feel like
I'm just going through the motions of being alive, but am totally unable to
connect with who I really am, or with what I'm doing. I feel depressed, like
nothing's really worth bothering with anyway. Seriously thinking of trying to
antidote the proving, or of phoning Misha & saying that I want out of this
- I really don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. Two weeks
ago I was so happy & confident & focused - now I feel like a trembling,
despairing, hopeless, frightened mess. Whenever I try to talk to someone I find
myself having to struggle not to cry.
01P 18 XX.XX NS
Not doing very well at all on the remedy. Spent most of this morning in tears,
feeling alone & empty.
12P 04 XX.XX NS
And despair.
On the verge of tears all day - I have a lump in my throat & my chest aches
as if there's some sort of huge obstruction there. I feel as though something
has died within me. The least thing makes my eyes fill with tears. Unable to
think of a single good / positive thing in the world.
01P 12 XX.XX NS
Very, very oversensitive and emotional. Everything my husband said I took as
a direct, personal attack. Weeping constantly. The least thing made me burst
into tears. Irritable. Furious with husband. Wished he weren't here. Wished
I'd never met him or married him. Hated him. Arguing with husband - very, very
unusual for us. I felt desperate. As though everything important to me was coming
to an end. Hopeless. Increasingly bad as day went on. I felt dead. Completely
dead inside. Wanted to die. Contemplated it - thought about how nice, what a
relief it would be, not to exist any more. Just to be dead. Thought about taking
all the old prescription pain-killers in the back of the bathroom cupboard.
Wanted not to exist any more. Even the thought of what effect this would have
on others (even my Mother) meant nothing. Didn't care what they felt - I just
wanted to be dead, not to have to cope with living any more. It would be such
a relief to be dead. Unable to do anything at all. So apathetic, didn't care
at all about not doing any work. Couldn't answer phone - don't want to deal
with anyone. Couldn't face talking to anyone. Too depressed to phone my proving
supervisor. No point in making any diary entries. Can't face anything or anyone.
Unable to do anything. Felt dead inside. Numb. Lay on the bed all afternoon.
I was really cold, but was too apathetic to reach down & pull the duvet
over me. No point. I'm dying. Thought about cutting my arms - deep & hard
-with a razor-blade or a knife. Pictured the flesh opening up, gaping red. Perhaps
it might provide some form of release. Need to try & make contact with myself,
but I can't. I'm already dead. Evening: went out to see my husband's band playing.
My mood entirely lifted - I felt great again, so proud of him & happy -
Alive!
01P 13 XX.XX NS
My emotional state is worse on Tuesdays, I feel suicidal.
17P 00 XX.XX NS
The physical symptoms of the remedy are fairly hard to categorise. Although they were heavy, oppressive and long lasting, they were not well differentiated. They were often the reappearance of old symptoms rather than new ones. It was almost as if the remedy symptom was being ill more than the exact nature of the illness.
Heaviness and congestion were experienced in almost every possible way.
Almost all provers experienced bloating and flatulence which was very smelly.
Offensive odours were found not only in farts and stool but throughout the remedy: breath, feet, axillae, perspiration, leucorrhoea and menses were all reported as smelly. The smell of garlic on the person or perceived in the environment and a desire for garlic were experience by several provers.
Numbness, tingling and pins and needles were experienced in all the extremities and in the back.
There was general sleepiness and heavy sleep, but particularly exhaustion in the afternoon.
The remedy was generally a chilly one but there was heat at night and particularly in the morning.