Latex Vulcani
A Personal Overview of the Proving
by Peter Fraser
This is an overview of some of the themes that arose from the proving of Vulcanized Rubber by students at The School of Homœopathy.
It has been compiled by one person who participated in and had substantial contact with the proving and has read all of the proving diaries.
It is a personal impression of some of the themes of the remedy with a very small selection of proving symptoms that illustrate those themes.
It is not a picture that has had any clinical verification and so must remain speculative: a working hypothesis.
It is no way a substitute for the full proving that is also published on this site.
There follows a severely edited version of the proving of Rubber. The themes that seem to be particularly of the remedy are illustrated with a few of the clearest proving symptoms. It is incomplete and contains a large degree of personal interpretation. It may help give an idea of important concerns and themes but it is no replacement for the complete proving which is freely available on the internet.
There would appear to be three major themes in the remedy.
One group of symptoms are grouped around the idea of containment and restriction, of being enclosed. Another group, probably the largest, are about barriers, disconnection and separation. The last group are concerned with the need for artificial barriers because the natural ones are weak or absent.
The remedy is one in which the idea of being enclosed or held is important. This can seem positive in a feeling of cosiness or being cocooned.
Mind still, want others to be still, not talk to me, allow the pleasantness
of peace to envelope me disowned responsibility.
01P 01 22.00 NS
I felt deep love all day. Image: as if swimming in the sea, being supported
and surrounded by water, really intense carefree, loved, supported feeling.
06P 09 XX.XX NS
Thought we should be leaving but felt reluctant to leave group and go out and
face 'normality'.
10P 01 19.00 NS
Got home and wanted nothing more than to get undressed and wrapped up in my
dressing gown with a blanket and read. Didn't want the intrusion of TV or radio.
Wanted to feel cosy and cocooned and on my own in the quiet. Wanted to feel
safe.
14P 03 17.00 NS
Felt distanced from my problems. They were there but I wasn't feeling the full
impact of them.
22P 15 XX.XX NS
Or of calmness and stillness.
Strong feeling of being centred, at peace, still. A feeling of stillness. Wanted
to be in company but not participate. Felt that I just wanted again to stay
in this lovely feeling of ease. My body was so calm. I normally move about,
but I was very still.
01P 01 21.00 NS
Even though there have been stressful situations today I feel I have been very
calm and not emotional compared to how I usually am.
06P 05 XX.XX NS
Feeling in control & relaxed again today.
08P 08 XX.XX NS
Impatient train delayed, confusion all around, wrong information on screens,
platform changes, etc. everybody was looking lost, felt like an observer, calm.
13P 01 XX.XX NS
The calmness can be a more obviously negative feeling of being restricted. .
Felt resentful unwilling to take responsibility for my own actions, feel ill.
02P 03 07.00 NS
I feel really frustrated, I'm hot, clammy, restless, can't sleep yet my eyelids
are heavy. I keep dropping my pen too. I just want to sleep.
03P 01 24.00 NS
Felt driven all day.
04P 19 XX.XX NS
I wanted to move around. I was annoyed that we were kept waiting and people
were not on time.
06P 02 XX.XX NS
We had to go to another B&B because our regular place was closed - when
I walked into the house it felt stifling, cluttered and dirty compared to what
we were used to. Had to get out of this house & went to the pub.
08P 01 XX.XX NS
I feel quite resentful and caged in. Its a bit like going to jail, not passing
go and not collecting £200.
09P 37 XX.XX NS
People are making me behave in a way I don't want to. Feel misunderstood.
13P 10 XX.XX NS
Rushing, need to slow down, feeling pressure of time ticking away. Very aware
of time.
13P 11 XX.XX NS
Impatient to go outside all day, restless.
13P 31 XX.XX NS
Feeling of being obstructed in my attempts to do anything. There are things
in the way. Progress is difficult feeling undermined by other people, friends
and family.
13P 33 XX.XX NS
Physical symptoms, especially the many headaches, involved this restriction with the sensation of a band or cap.
Headache like a band pressing on front of face over eye, came and went most
of the day better in the evening.
02P 02 XX.XX NS
Bad headache brought on by cold food and drink - like a band around the head.
Worse for movement, better for lying down and worse for talking, touch. Came
down over eyes.
11P 16 XX.XX NS
Sensation in head spreading back to the top of my head. Like a cap
14P 01 19.30 NS
It also appeared in dreams
Dream of plants twisting and twining around other plants, clematis and twisty
willow, someone in my dream says that the clematis will damage and contort the
willow.
15P 33 XX.XX NS
The restriction can become claustrophobic.
Trying to escape can't be specific but not content where I am. Getting hot
- want to run away, claustrophobic.
02P 03 09.00 NS
The imagery of the bubble or balloon, which are made from a form of rubber and for which the condom can satisfactorily be substituted, contains both a feeling of being contained and of being separated from the world.
Enjoying inventing my own songs whilst in the car driving. Really opening my
voice up and singing loudly not at all inhibited. Outside influences aren't
affecting me so much as normal. I feel quite content in my little hyperactive
bubble.
09P 03 XX.XX NS
Have so much to do and to think about and I don't know where to start. Business
is going on as usual around me but I feel very separate from it, like being
here but in a bubble.
14P 11 XX.XX NS
The theme of separation and disconnection was probably the most widespread and important of the themes of the proving and it was manifested in many different ways.
Irritated by lack of unity that group seems to work with. I have the impression
that all are very much self orientated rather than working in harmony as a group.
01P 29 XX.XX NS
Felt away with the fairies, don't usually have this feeling first thing in
the morning.
05P 02 06.00 AS
Very aware of the weather, keep looking out of the window to record in my mind
what is happening.
05P 02 12.00 NS
Woke up feeling very relaxed again as if nothing could upset me - feel spacey
in my head like I had taken morphine when in hospital - cut off from everything,
nothing can intrude into your space i.e. disconnected.
08P 02 XX.XX NS
Feeling of loneliness - group out there somewhere also proving this remedy
but I felt very alone, isolated.
12P 04 XX.XX NS
As a last thought, having just failed to make the attachment of this work to
an e-mail the theme of disconnection has been underlined again. Something has
been erased, all that was recognisable, comfortable and familiar in life has
cruelly changed.
13P 00 XX.XX NS
Time seems to pass very slowly. Am slightly spaced out, not really in this
world.
13P 40 XX.XX NS
Intensification of feelings of exhaustion and unconnectedness during the afternoon.
Feeling isolated, separated even from myself.
14P 03 XX.XX IOS
I have been worse every time I have been alone. The feeling of disconnection
becoming more intense. Very low. Like trying to see through thick murky liquid
- hard to hear properly (especially on the right). Hard to see properly, focussing
takes effort. It is not so much that my eyes can't see but that my brain can't
function to perceive what is seen.
14P 05 XX.XX NS
Still can't get on with anything, except in small doses. Feel too fatigued,
physically and mentally - can't connect.
14P 22 XX.XX NS
Aware that I am feeling disconnected still. Not the vertigo, but just unable
to feel part of the world.
14P 39 XX.XX NS
On taking the remedy I felt that everyone and everything moved to twice the
distance away from me.
22P 01 18.20 NS
The sense of separation was often made worse by obstruction or dullness of the senses.
Ears feeling very blocked. Adding to the sense of being separate from the world.
Sensation of pressure in the ears as though plugged. Sound slightly muffled.
14P 03 XX.XX NS
My vision seemed a little blurry and I couldn't read from the board.
06P 02 XX.XX NS
Left nostril blocked.
03P 24 XX.XX NS
There was a particular feeling of disconnection in relating to people.
Scared of starting a serious relationship, I like to keep things up in the
air, Scared of becoming too overpowering in a relationship. It is funny because
I don't know if I have ever acted in that way with past relationships but there
is this fear of losing my femininity.
09P 24 XX.XX NS
I feel as if everyone around are not in touch with real emotions they don't
want to face the reality of pain and hurt everything is just one big theory.
09P 33 XX.XX NS
This tends to lead to difficulties in communicating and issues around communication.
People kept talking to me, even though I ignored them, which is unusual for
me. I told them that I did not really feel like making conversation, but they
kept talking to me. I wish they would go away and let me experience this nice
feeling on my own.
01P 01 22.00 NS
Notice that I find it difficult to concentrate. Normally able to speak to people
and do other things at same time, not able to do both. Am a little unnerved
by more than one person talking at time, even if it is back ground noise.
01P 03 XX.XX NS
All day my mind felt absent. When people spoke to me I thought I understood
them but my replies indicated to them that I hadn't, but I was replying to what
I thought I had heard.
05P 13 XX.XX NS
I had an argument with my husband later in the morning. I felt there was no
connection or real communication between us. I didn't seem to care what I said
when we argued. I was so angry. I just wanted him out of my life. I couldn't
speak to him for hours. Later when we did eventually start communicating, I
began to understand what his problem was and we made up. I'm worried about the
way I acted and how I felt: is this the remedy or is it me?
06P 10 XX.XX NS
It is an effort to think as well as articulate - language.
11P 04 XX.XX NS
Noticed that I keep doubting what I remember reading or being told particularly
about proving eg how to take remedy, how to number days.
12P 00 XX.XX NS
Inability to think clearly - eg looking at mobile phones couldn't take in anything
about them and pricing.
12P 02 XX.XX NS
In my own secluded world nobody to tell because they wouldn't understand.
13P 05 XX.XX OS
Dreams also had a theme of difficulties in communicating because things were in a foreign language.
Dreamed about being in a restaurant. I didn't know what to order because it
was all in a foreign language.
10P 08 XX.XX NS
Dreams of being in service, a waitress? Not knowing the ropes. Where things
are and what's on the menu, etc. in a tall and narrow building, everybody is
talking a language that I don't understand. Feeling of nervous confusion and
horror that I will have to bluff my way. The energy of the place becoming more
and more excited and noisy some celebration, festivities and rituals that are
all foreign to me. An uncomfortable position to be in, very tiring and distressing.
13P 35 XX.XX NS
There was a disconnection from feelings, both from the feelings of others and from the provers own feelings.
Feeling of not caring all day.
05P 02 XX.XX NS
Drove back to my mum's she was quite down I felt angry towards her but instead
of expressing this anger it came out in the form of laughter. I tried to get
angry but I just started laughing hysterically. After leaving I felt guilty
for seeing her in such a state and behaving strangely towards her.
09P 02 XX.XX NS
Argument with partner, I did not get so angry, more able to be detached and
see what is happening. I can't really explain this but I have noticed a general
change in the way I cope with arguments, instead of getting really angry, I
am able to see past what is said, to look beneath it at why I or my partner
gets angry.
15P 21 21.00 NS
This can lead to being unfeeling.
I am either very in touch with other people's feelings or I feel completely
shut off, cold and hard.
09P 14 XX.XX NS
Was teasing the cat talking about him and he attacked me! Really savage, wouldn't
let go of my heel in his mouth, he understood my tone of voice I was making
fun of him! reminds me of this afternoon speaking out and even being slightly
rude to people I have only admiration and respect for. Why do I do it? Feel
embarrassed and worried how other people see me.
13P 02 XX.XX NS
(After the proving) I feel that I have gone 'back to normal' cried about a
child who came to play and said he'd had no lunch, mother had not bothered to
take him any down to school - this is quite normal for me, I feel my sensitivity
has come back.
15P 46 XX.XX NS
Emotional detachment, therefore saying what I feel like without fear of repercussions.
21P 00 XX.XX OS
I notice that I feel much less depressed than I have for many years. However,
I almost miss the depression, feel bereft without it. Wonder whether I am really
better or it is just a numbness that stops me feeling what I should really be
feeling.
22P 00 XX.XX NS
This unfeeling quality can in turn lead to a ruthlessness.
Full moon. I was really angry again. I gave out to my mother on the phone.
This was followed by crying my eyes out. However, giving out felt good, I felt
quite confident. I was very sad all day and cried a lot in general. Overall,
it felt very healing, rather than disturbing. I felt letting go of all the anger
and tears was absolutely necessary.
06P 20 XX.XX NS
Feeling decisive and ruthless, busy organising my space . Manic externally
but solid inside.
13P 03 XX.XX NS
Turn the phone off so that I am unavailable if partner tries to ring me, childish
but it feels good. Have never thought of this revenge tactic before, will never
tell him, a private joke to make me feel better.
13P 35 XX.XX NS
Or to a selfishness.
Still feeling a little self-centred, in other words find it easy to say what
I need.
01P 03 XX.XX NS
Decide today to challenge my relationship with boyfriend, why. Make ultimatum
about meeting. Make or break time.
01P 16 XX.XX NS
I am feeling strong in myself, which is great. I seem to understand more about
the effect I have on other people. I allow others to make me feel bad for something
that isn't my fault. I had a kind of realisation and self empowering feeling
that told me to stop feeling guilty and to look after my own feelings.
09P 11 XX.XX NS
I am going to start being more selfish.
09P 33 XX.XX NS
Agitated and awake when I should be in bed. Head is ringing full of ideas.
Play my guitar aware I am probably annoying the neighbours but don't stop until
I am ready, would normally feel too shy.
13P 30 XX.XX NS
Given the sexual nature of rubber in general and particularly the condom it is not entirely suprising that sexuality and sexual imagery turned up in the proving.
Lying in bed dozing, a white spray appeared on right hand side of my bed, It
lasted only one or two seconds.
05P 23 XX.XX NS
General feeling on first taking the remedy was a euphoria followed by giggling
and panicky sensation. I felt very amorous.
11P 01 XX.XX NS
During meditation had immediate image of a fish. Shapes came into mind, petal
like, like the shape you get when you divide a circle up with a pair of compasses
at school overlapping to form a flower. [Vesica Piscis]
15P 01 18.20 NS
Again unsurprisingly given the purpose of the condom there was a sterility to the sexuality and this sterility could be seen as a more widespread theme.
A wild party night. Starting to worry about the amount of male company I have
had recently. I am enjoying it but I feel like my bubble is about to burst and
some kind of lesson is about to be learnt. Part of me feels guilty for stringing
all these people along but part of me realises that they are only using me.
I feel confused, I need some space to calm down and reflect otherwise it will
all end in tears.
09P 22 XX.XX NS
Everything was hard - I had to work hard to keep going with my life and unusually
felt quite unsexual and had no desire for sex, which my partner complained about.
The proving always felt dormant and never really came out to play, although
I did not consciously try to block my experience. It was disappointing and not
what I expected.
11P 00 XX.XX NS
I have had a complete lack of interest in sex. I think I have had sexual dreams
but they have not been intensely erotic, more functional, disconnected or laughable.
14P 00 XX.XX NS
My partner has been bitterly complaining that we don't have sex often enough,
I feel fairly indifferent to it, worse than ever before and it is causing a
lot of problems.
15P 00 XX.XX NS
I feel that I am being teased. That I am a safe object to be played with for
a bit of fun but not an object for actual sex. Feels that no one would ever
want to have sex with me. On the other hand there are other things that are
more important. Not sure I want it. Like being teased?
22P 55 XX.XX NS
I had a very sexual dream where I was slowly caressing a woman. I was not sure
that she wanted me to, so I caressed slowly from top to bottom and was very
happy when she opened her legs as a sign of enjoying my ministrations.
11P 30 XX.XX NS
After finding out what the remedy was I felt I should add a symptom I left
out (although I don't really know why I did) around day 38 I had a very sore
vagina, on the edge by the perineum, I remarked to my boyfriend that it was
the same thing I had when we were first together and were having loads of sex!
it was sore enough to put me off sex for a few days although we had hardly been
at it like rabbits!
15P 38 XX.XX NS
The sense of disconnection is so deep in the remedy that it can even extend to a disconnection with the self.
Jumped several times at my own reflection when back at the campsite.
03P 01 XX.XX NS
I felt quite scared of my reflection in the window felt that their was something
evil. In myself I felt quite psychotic and unpredictable scared of these changing
feelings and impulses I was experiencing.
09P 03 XX.XX NS
On arriving home after driving for an hour I got out of my car and felt very
ape-like and acted as such. Upon looking at myself in he mirror, I felt very
aggressive, as if seeing another ape and I acted out the sensations. I then
laughed and became a friendly ape again. I looked very different to myself in
the mirror.
11P 01 XX.XX NS
I cannot tell my state from the proving state. I feel very dull and disorientated.
11P 25 XX.XX NS
I have a constant fear of cancer. When I think of being with cancer it explains
the state that I feel - the sense of dis-ease. I don't feel my self, I feel
unattractive and ill, run-down.
11P 25 XX.XX NS
I have felt it impossible to connect with anything or anybody, including myself.
The barrier has left me feeling isolated and discontented except when at home
often where I have felt safe and more content.
14P 00 XX.XX NS
I feel separated from everything , including myself. I feel in a bit of a dream,
like being under thick murky liquid.
14P 04 XX.XX NS
This disconnection from the self can lead to a distortion of perception of the self and of the body.
My breasts feel bigger or is it my hands are smaller. Keep looking at them;
fingers held tight together, thumb held in. On contact of skin it feels smoother,
water feels and tastes wetter.
01P 01 23.00 NS
Immediately feel as if I have two hearts, try to locate where they are. One
is central chest other over left carotid area. Lungs feel as if they are breathing
independently, they look square to my senses rather than lung shape and symmetrical
as usual. They feel like a pair of bellows working independently rather than
separately, this is not a perception this feels very real.
01P 01 23.30 NS
Seem to be hallucinating - cat food looks like maggots, carpet moving. Temperature
38.5 and rising. Feel like my body trying to force something out - band in centre
of body tight like a wasps body. Can't be sure as still hallucinating, but seem
to be bringing up blood. Suddenly I could almost see my self looking down on
myself from great height.
02P 03 XX.XX NS
My ring kept falling off my finger as if my fingers had become smaller which
was very strange - once I thought about this, I felt as if my hands were becoming
very small.
11P 03 XX.XX NS
There were dreams of possessions, which can be seen as external representations of the self, and of clothes which are more directly so and also play the role of a boundary between the self and the world
Dream about people standing in a long line changing their clothes/image it
was as if they were enhancing their status by changing clothes.
08P 06 XX.XX NS
The prover can even feel as if he or she is invisible.
The doors in two different shops wouldn't open for me. The sensors didn't register
my presence, compounding my feelings of unreality, being invisible. Once maybe
accidental but twice seemed more profound.
13P 05 XX.XX NS
There was a dream of being separate from and observing the "stream of consciousness"
Dream of standing over a stream watching the water flow from its source, my
thoughts were appearing like strips of shiny paper in the water, some were tumbling
and washed away some became rocks, stones on the river bed. Some were larger,
sandy colour, visible above the water and these were the ones to wait for. Like
going fishing, busy yet inactive, still poised watching. Was aware of the metaphor
"stream of consciousness" as soon as I woke up.
13P 20 XX.XX NS
Provers also felt disconnected from their environment and from the events going on around them.
Time seemed to have flown.
03P 01 19.00 NS
Went to a party and saw a beautiful sunset, later everyone else commented on
the full moon, which I had not seen, I was talking about the sun. Unusual that
I had not anticipated the full moon, usually warn others of its approach.
13P 19 XX.XX NS
Phone call from my office to say that my magazine was being closed and all
the staff on it made redundant. Initial reaction was ' Oh all right, not to
worry' Didn't really register much. Couldn't make a connection with the news.
Maybe relief that the job was over - it has been a stressful year.
14P 10 16.00 NS
This disconnection allowed provers to act unaffected by events, to go with the flow, whether for good or ill.
Had to go to Bristol and as usual got lost. Tried to find my way by means of
A-Z which did not work! Called myself an idiot and just let go, turning left
or right as impulse guided me. Found way round all back streets to Weston in
record time. (Normally have absolutely no sense of direction)
02P 04 XX.XX NS
I am generally less organised than usual, but at the same time don't panic
so much. I don't notice time passing by so much. I am calm and slightly forgetful.
It feels like I'm on autopilot - things get done without me being aware of it.
06P 03 XX.XX NS
I felt in control and not driven by events - it was if everything was unfolding
as it should.
08P 01 18.20 NS
I started smoking again last night after giving up for 4 months. I realise
that I have spent so much energy resisting temptation every now and then I should
just let go and not worry so much about things, I am sure it is much healthier.
09P 17 XX.XX NS
Driving with confidence and pleasure the fog lifted for the big junction, feel
things are on my side. Even put my foot down and raced enjoying new comfortable
car, going fast!
13P 02 XX.XX NS
At work, mind drifting. I have been in the office for 11/4 hours and I have
got nowhere. Not feeling low just feeling washed along and not wanting to make
the effort to get grounded and get on.
14P 06 XX.XX NS
Clutter in house today driving me to distraction but done nothing about it.
Just want stillness and quiet and smooth and calm inside and out.
14P 21 XX.XX NS
Violence was common around the provers but there was sometimes again a feeling of not connecting with it.
A patient at work became very violent, grabbing a nurse by the throat. I ended
up blocking his exit from the unit where I work while trying to explain the
situation to irate relative waiting to come in to see someone else. I was surprisingly
casual about the intensity of the violence and this concerned me as I was not
being careful enough about my own safety.
03P 19 XX.XX NS
In 8 years I have not had anyone collapse on me but the last week 3 patients
have, also haven't had any violent incidents for a long time at work but this
has happened in the last week. In both circumstances I seemed to cope more calmly
and in a more detached manner than I would have expected.
03P 26 XX.XX NS
Annoyed with partner for watching gratuitous scenes of domestic violence on
trash TV after we had just watched a good film. Violence disturbed me.
04P 03 23.30 NS
Watched another video again in the evening, Hannibal, which was surprising
because this is another scary film I would not even contemplate normally.
08P 03 XX.XX NS
During the 7th week of the proving there were 2 car crashes outside my house.
I have lived here over 4 years and have never seen one before.
10P 00 XX.XX NS
Whilst skinning some tomatoes I am reminded of a horrible thing my partner
told me about some Russians being skinned alive. I don't seem able to rid myself
of these dark thoughts and become quite anxious for company in the evening.
15P 17 17.30 OS
Cannot sleep because my mind is filled with horrible, dark thoughts. Like people
being tortured. I find these thoughts stay with me the next day.
15P 16 XX.XX OS
This disconnection could be described as a state of shock and provers sometimes felt paralysed by it.
I knew I was shocked and I felt the shock was from having to pull my self out
of the state when I did not really want to. It was as if reality was the remedy
state, where I could talk to my self and not need to reason, but no instinctively
the answer and the school was the non reality, where there had to be reason
and logic.
01P 01 18.30 NS
Feel as if suffering from mental shock, very fragile. This whole remedy to
me seems around shock.
01P 20 XX.XX NS
I turned and hit my face very hard on a wooden post that stands floor to ceiling
in the middle of the room. My left eye, cheek and jaw were really sore. Felt
totally in shock.
03P 55 XX.XX NS
Developed this paralysed feeling. Then felt fed up, angry, had no motivation,
was not in the mood for doing anything.
06P 04 XX.XX NS
Provers felt safe (safe is a slang term for a condom)
I do like being out in the fields at night. I have always like exploring but
now I am going out at night. I have done some very late night trips around the
canal and explored, I don't feel frightened. Even taken others out with me to
be in the night.
01P 54 XX.XX NS
Feeling safe and disconnected from violence allowed provers to act bravely.
Walked to B.B. felt that could see well in the dark and was not worried about
walking out on my own as usual.
01P 01 21.00 NS
On the way back to the campsite I turned my torch off in the lanes when cars
passed so they wouldn't see me - (my usual reaction would be to turn it on so
they didn't hit me).
03P 01 XX.XX NS
I have always felt that a women's role was to act submissive and fragile so
that the man will feel strong and dominant. Recently I have felt like playing
men at their own game, I feel strong in myself and not so caught up in how I
appear, people (men) can take me as I come.
09P 20 XX.XX NS
Feeling confident and brave driving home with a detour to the airport, even
getting lost in Bristol after dark didn't frighten me.
13P 02 XX.XX NS
This bravery can become recklessness.
Driving fast, window down, music blaring, exhilarated. Just want to go! Slowed
down for a moment for slightly worrying burning smell in car, then back to full
speed.
04P 02 XX.XX NS
In the evening on the way home I was aware that I was driving recklessly. I
was going too fast and I had to really concentrate on the road.
06P 02 19.00 NS
I have this real urge to be reckless. I want to party all night and watch the
sun come up. Feeling mischievous and carefree.
09P 14 XX.XX NS
The distancing from the distractions of the world and events allowed the provers an unusual degree of focus.
Feel very energised and focused. Spent the whole day working on homework. Work
that I couldn't be bothered to do three weeks ago. Nothing else seemed to matter.
06P 24 XX.XX NS
I feel very energised again. My thinking was clear. I was very focused and
able to complete lots of work today.
06P 27 XX.XX NS
I feel really sharp and quick minded. I can tackle tasks quickly and efficiently,
done many things. Time has passed quickly. My concentration is good and I can
focus well.
09P 03 XX.XX NS
Enjoying work when I'm in it because of lack of internal distraction.
21P 00 XX.XX IOS
However, when this focus became combined with a lack of boundaries it could run on with nothing to stop it, becoming excessive.
Swam as usual but did not want to get out of pool as stroke seemed stronger
and managed to do 2 extra lengths.
01P 00 XX.XX NS
I had gone into a field looking for a healing centre, realised it was the wrong
field and still continued down it regardless under compulsion to go to the bottom,
resulting in being stuck in the mud and having to be towed out!
03P 16 XX.XX NS
Once I or we started doing something we were on a mission, driven, on tracks
- hard to stop, hard to change direction. At first this was OK but it became
somewhat overwhelming and I ended up feeling as depressed and fed up with the
monotony of life (if not more so) as I ever have.
04P 00 XX.XX NS
Have noticed the last few days that it's increasingly hard to stop working.
Once I can't seem to stop. Even taking a break is difficult (I'm rebuilding
our kitchen).
04P 12 XX.XX IOS
Feel the need to get going and sort out things (which could wait).
08P 03 XX.XX NS
Am still into watching films, so have probably watched more TV since last weekend
than I do normally in a month.
08P 09 XX.XX NS
I became quite carried away over the past few weeks I think I have pushed myself
far enough, my conscience can't take anymore.
09P 23 XX.XX NS
I knew from the start that it wouldn't work but I carry on and then wonder
what is wrong with me. I know what's wrong, you don't fancy this bloke and you're
not in love. Can't you see?
09P 35 XX.XX NS
Greed - seems to be tiring me out, not wanting to end the day and go to bed,
not satisfied with one drink wanting many, smoking too much, etc.
13P 00 XX.XX NS
I wasn't sure where I needed to be but I had a really strong impulse to keep
moving.
13P 59 XX.XX NS
Sat and watched rubbish on TV all afternoon. Couldn't get up and do anything
else. Had soup for lunch and then nothing else for the rest of the day.
14P 15 XX.XX NS
This was expressed in dreams of driving without brakes.
I was in a van (with a friend) and the brakes wouldn't work. I couldn't stop
it. I did eventually manage to stop it but I felt scared.
06P 12 XX.XX NS
Dream I am driving a car with no brakes, I drive up a very steep hill but discover
that it is a one way system and I am going the wrong way - I feel very out of
control.
15P 39 XX.XX NS
This feeling was central to my personal experience of the proving.
Feel need to clarify numbness symptom as it is central to my experience of
the remedy. Usually on waking, but also sometimes sitting, I have feeling of
numbness arising out of the fact that I am lying heavily on one part. There
is no tingling or pins and needles, which would be normal for me in the circumstances,
and there is definitely no pain, but it does feel bad. I know that I should
move but I do not, I stay immobilised. It is not actual paralysis and it is
not can't be bothered it is actual there is no volition or impulse to put the
thought that I should move into action. The same feeling pervades many different
things. I have been taking extremely long baths, it is because I don't get out
not because I can't or won't but just because I don't. Sleep is similar I have
been sleeping long and deep just because I don't stop and I stay up late because
I don't go to bed. Eating I might not start for a long time and then when I
start I don't stop. The same feeling is felt mentally and emotionally. About
sex and about business affairs. I can feel them in a funny sort of way though
the numbing is there I know that they are there but I don't have the volition
to do anything, to act in any way.
22P 00 XX.XX NS
The lack of boundaries was felt by many and often led to a need to create them.
Feel need to shut curtain, which I would normally have open, did not want to
be seen.
01P 01 23.00 NS
Go to bed really wary to open window in case something comes in, normally insist
on window open. Feel nervous about people being able to see through windows,
as never use curtains, don't even have as house private. Shut bedroom door,
usually like it open.
01P 02 23.00 NS
I had the desire to urinate over my front gate to mark my territory.
11P 01 XX.XX IOs
The Taliban were driven out of Kabul today feels like an important moment.
This quote from BBC gave me a sense of some relief, some humane reality. "Men
can shave; women can show their faces and children can fly kites again today."
13P 32 XX.XX NS
Shaved off my beard after more than 25 years. Don't really know why just felt
that I should give it a go don't like it and will grow it back. Face feels very
cold, exposed to the elements.
22P 48 XX.XX NS
This was expressed in dreams in images of doors and open wounds.
Dreamt about big Red door, I saw it but did not go through.
01P 05 XX.XX NS
Dream, painting a door bright green for my dad - a wooden door on a boat.
03P 04 XX.XX NS
Dream about people with wounds that gaped open but did not bleed.
05 XX.XX NS
The lack of boundaries is also a lack of protection and the provers felt vulnerable.
Feeling frightened - getting very ill very quickly. Vomiting on empty stomach
- not eaten properly since first day.
02P 03 11.30 NS
It was raining heavily and I was terrified of it. Anxiety in solar plexus.
05P 11 15.00 NS
For the rest of the night I felt really anxious, still feeling that something
bad is going to happen.
09P 31 XX.XX NS
While we were walking along the dark road with no pavement, I was anxious about
the cars. My two friends were making me very anxious because they were walking
in the middle of the road.
10P 01 19.00 NS
When driving home I found other drivers coming up from behind quite threatening
and I drove quite fast. I was scared.
11P 01 XX.XX NS
Fear that the train moved when the light was yellow shouldn't it be green?
Waiting for the crash and explosion, aware of being over-excitable, but everything
is intensely vivid.
13P 01 XX.XX NS
Slight fear of dark, bit jumpy.
15P 02 23.15 NS
The provers felt suspicious and paranoid.
Feelings of persecution, suspicion and paranoia all day. I suspected people
(fellow homeopaths) had taken my ads down in the shopping centre or had the
feeling that a parent had been listening outside the classroom all the time
while I was teaching their children. Feeling as if somebody is watching me,
persecuting me! Someone behind my back all the time?
06P 06 XX.XX NS
At work I felt a bit of an outsider. The girls were being really bitchy and
it was really affecting me I can usually ignore it. I felt as if I was being
laughed at.
09P 05 XX.XX NS
When I wasn't talking, I found it interesting to look around at all the people
in the pub. Noticed some security cameras I hadn't seen before - thought it
was odd in a pub where people are supposed to relax.
10P 01 XX.XX NS
I am very paranoid that I have cancer - that the proving has given me cancer
- I keep forgetting that I am on the proving and think that I have cancer.
11P 52 XX.XX NS
The provers could feel that they were under attack or were being harassed.
Sitting next to me in the lecture is someone who did not want to participate
in taking the remedy, I am aware that she is taking Rescue remedy. I wish I
could ask her not to, but then that is insisting on my needs rather than hers.
I can smell the remedy as she takes it, it seems to permeate over me and the
mist starts to evaporate from the side nearest to her. I feel the warmth start
to leave my body and the slow feeling of shock starts to emerge. I feel real
sadness that the effect of the remedy seems to have been taken form me.
01P 02 XX.XX NS
The whole of my experience of the proving was inexorably linked to being criminally
harassed for money by an old acquaintance of mine. I met him for the first time
in years as I was on my way to the base-line consultation at my proving supervisors
flat, prior to the proving. I discovered that night that she was actually, co-incidentally,
renting this chap's old room. When I got back from the homoeopathy w/end of
taking the proving, he had delivered a letter to my girlfriend demanding, with
menace, money he believed I owed him from 15 years ago when we were in a band
together. Bizarre. Some verbal harassment, a couple of letters, and 2 broken
windows. Things started to get a bit heavy, with repeated abusive phonecalls
to myself and my parents. The police got involved and have eventually managed
to calm him down with an harassment notice.
04P 00 XX.XX NS
This morning, I experienced being under attack! I went to the dentist in the
morning and had the worst experience there ever! He was not my normal dentist,
and I had my suspicions even before I went. I thought that I shouldn't always
worry so much and try it anyway, that it would probably be OK. He examined my
teeth and decided I needed lots of fillings. I knew there would be one where
a bit of tooth had broken off, but I hadn't expected so many others! Again,
I felt very suspicious. I thought he just wanted to rip me off by doing more
than absolutely necessary.
06P 25 XX.XX NS
There were also dreams of being attacked by people, animals and by ghosts.
Some men own a house where other people live but beat them up regularly. My
friend lives there. It is impossible to get away from these guys when they arrive.
I was visiting my friend and her son, and in the night the door was knocked.
I was scared, knew it must be them and asked her if she usually ran away at
this point. She said she couldn't and went to let them in - I thought she'd
say her son was asleep but I hid under the bed and kept quiet. Next thing I
was being pulled out by the feet and was really scared.
03P 25 XX.XX NS
Dream of crocodile chasing me, very scary, told my partner to get a gun, felt
very scared afterwards when I woke up.
15P 54 XX.XX NS
Green snake was trying to attack me and I kept having to throw it away to protect
myself but it just kept coming back.
09P 16 XX.XX NS
My Nan had come around to stay. In my dream I had woke during the night from
noises downstairs. My Nan was screaming and there was a constant knocking on
the downstairs door. I ran downstairs to find my Nan in the kitchen the room
was trashed and my Nan was standing there hysterical and petrified. There had
been poltergeists in the house and as I looked around towards the stairs I saw
a large phantom black beast run up the stairs. A powerful spine-chilling dream
which left me quite freaked out.
09P 07 XX.XX NS
Danger from an angry ghost - experienced as heat under a grave-stone.
21P 00 XX.XX NS
Without boundaries to protect them provers were much more sensitive to their environment.
After taking the remedy my senses were immediately heightened. I was listening
intently to the birds singing outside and I could hear what sounded like big
trucks going by on the road outside.
06P 01 19.00 NS
Felt very heavy-headed all morning. There was also this calm feeling, as if
drugged, accompanied by heightened senses, being very alert.
06P 02 XX.XX NS
Sounds were enhanced in the room.
08P 01 18.20 NS
Sense perceptions of noise and smell are still very much enhanced.
08P 02 XX.XX NS
Very excitable and jumpy from noises and sounds.
09P 02 XX.XX NS
My senses seem very acute tonight, the loud noise next to me was almost unbearable
in the Cinema as someone was unwrapping sweet papers.
06P 22 21.00 NS
Sense of smell enhanced.
21P 00 XX.XX NS
Relaxed and euphoric feeling anticipation of something exciting, starting to
happen. Very aware of my surroundings. the birdsong is really loud even though
it is dusk, louder than the traffic noise. Can see loads of flying things, a
fly flew right at my L. eye in a split second I could see it coming even though
it was so small and hear its tiny noise. All sense seem very acute - notice
the paint peeling on the security camera how incongruous it is in front of the
huge blue sky.
13P 01 18.20 NS
All day have been feeling resentful of being touched, having my space invaded
by children, want to shout "leave me alone".
13P 31 XX.XX NS
Such sensitivity is likely to be reacted against, often with irritability.
Feel irritable, cooled down physically then heated up again, wanted to stand
outside the classroom as I couldn't sit still and I was feeling snappy with
classmates and didn't want to say something I regretted. Was irritable with
staff over finances - unsure if I would have been so irritated normally.
03P 02 XX.XX NS
Felt really grumpy all day for no reason at all, and antisocial.
03P 06 XX.XX NS
Wanted to be alone, was snappy with others and this made me feel bad. When
I did speak I kept feeling that I was saying the wrong thing and offending people.
03P 07 XX.XX NS
Gross irritation all afternoon, can't cope, want to cry, want to shout at everyone.
05P 02 XX.XX NS
Hugely irritated in my Solar Plexus. Wanted to hit out and scream at most people.
05P 07 XX.XX NS
Feeling irritable today at times, especially when there's lots of noise and
people talking loudly.
06P 21 XX.XX NS
Wildly angry that I can't get at the computer. Partner in the way, impatient.
13P 08 XX.XX NS
On arriving home I was irritable for no reason.
14P 05 17.00 NS
There was also a sensitivity to the opinion of others and many felt shame and guilt.
Another mental and emotional theme was guilt - a sense of some karmic judgement
day approaching when I would have to face all to all my petty sins. Being watched
and feeling strange in others eyes.
04P 00 XX.XX NS
In a DIY shop, their computer wasn't working. I had to stop myself saying "Is
it something I've done?" I realised it had been on the tip of my tongue to say
this more than a few times since taking the remedy. [Strange - 'Guilty as if
he has committed a crime' ]
04P 23 XX.XX NS
Felt a huge fear in the pit of my stomach. Was terrified that someone would
find me out. I know I've done something really dreadful and that I would be
discovered. I need to do all my paperwork to cover my trail, I've got to hurry
to do everything.
05P 08 07.00 NS
I am feeling a bit ugly and unattractive, down in myself. I feel as if I've
been on my own for ages. Dwelling on situations and people that have upset me.
09P 06 XX.XX OS
I suddenly got all weepy and burst into tears because I thought I was a terrible
mother. Why I am so mean to my daughter when I should be making her feel loved,
secure and wanted?
10P 38 XX.XX NS
Panic, I have lost my proving notebook. Feeling pressure to do homework, have
lost interest in proving and have begun to find it quite demanding of my time
and energy. Am distraught that I really can't find my book.
13P 20 XX.XX NS
Am still worried about finding my book. Make lots of effort but no progress.
Gradually emptying all the bookshelves a fruitless search. Frustration. Can't
phone supervisor, her number is in the book! didn't speak to her yesterday.
Wonder if this is punishment for having a toke on a spliff at a Hallowe'en party
on day 19.
13P 22 XX.XX NS
Feeling insecure and anxious. Feel a bit of a fraud, have I let the side down?
13P 22 XX.XX NS
Emotional highs and lows, feeling lost without book and contact with proving
supervisor. Have tried to find her number will have to confess soon. Disappointed
and ashamed to have to explain my ineptitude.
13P 23 XX.XX NS
I felt I was missing something looked to my right and inside Aggarwal on the
only bookshelf not to have been emptied, was my proving diary folded up between
the pages. All this time it was within reach just hidden! Feelings of joy, relief,
bliss, double happiness, maybe I am not an idiot after all.
13P 25 XX.XX NS
Horrible experience at a meeting at school. Youngest child running around and
laughing so much that we were asked to leave (the introductory seminar on Martial
arts training and discipline in young children!) Embarrassed but feel this is
unfortunate, moreover, feel I am being laughed at and distanced from friends.
Women in a position to help turned away and it really upset me. I felt they
were judging me and disassociating themselves with us to impress these martial
arts people. Unfair. Realise I am probably over reacting but am sure I am right.
13P 31 XX.XX NS
Lost my temper with my son and hit him. Later cried for about half an hour
because of guilt.
15P 51 XX.XX NS
This was also found in the dreams.
Strange dream about two people on a bicycle driving round me in circles pointing
fingers at me.
02P 05 XX.XX NS
Dream. I am at college, all the students (especially the ones I like) are criticizing
my work, I have made a complete hash of it. Feel stupid.
15P 12 XX.XX NS
Dream: That I have committed a terrible crime.
21P 00 XX.XX NS
Dream A group of youngish people invite me round to their party. Feeling is
that I am being mocked by them.
22P 07 XX.XX NS
There was also a lack of boundaries with other worlds resulting in clairvoyance.
Had feeling of this presence that is trying to contact me again today, have
not experienced this during day before. Sensation of cool air on my lower back,
and being stroked lasted for several minutess until I moved.
01P 54 XX.XX NS
Have made several phone calls today when I thought people had left messages
on my answer phone, only to find, that they had intended to do but had not done
so just yet. This has happened at odd times before, but since the remedy my
clairvoyant state seems to have been developed. I am happy with that.
01P 54 XX.XX NS
Feel able to control my own destiny and fully in touch with higher powers.
02P 03 XX.XX NS
Just as the disconnection led to an ability to focus so the lack of boundaries led to difficulty in concentrating.
My muscles were very relaxed. I felt very contented, but it felt difficult
concentrating on what was being said. My head felt so dull.
06P 02 XX.XX NS
Concentration is still difficult. I keep rereading sentences.
06P 06 XX.XX NS
Hard to concentrate. Wanted to be at home.
14P 02 XX.XX NS
Trying hard to start on homework and I'm finding it hard to concentrate again.
Mental work is soporific. It is almost painful but the harder I try to think
the worse I feel.
14P 09 14.00 NS
Slight but constant swimming in the head. Hard to concentrate, particularly towards the end of the working day. 14P 19 XX.XX NS
This leads to confusion.
Today have been a bit muddled, (a blonde day say some) normally can be quite
professional and real off the answers quite well, but today had to concentrate
to drag the answers out of my brain.
01P 03 XX.XX NS
When I drove from college to Uffculme corner it seemed to take much longer
than usual, I became convinced I was on the wrong road.
03P 01 20.00 NS
I felt confused when being driven to the airport. The lanes on the motorway
seemed wrong - I could not decide whether the other cars are in the right lane
- are we in Britain or Germany? I don't normally get confused about this, having
lived in Ireland for 7 years, I am used to driving on the left side of the road!
06P 02 XX.XX NS
Going to lunch with friend got confused on the way as to who I was going to
lunch with and had to concentrate very hard to decide between three apparently
possible people! (None of whom I usually see for lunch) Then sailed past turnings
and shops several times despite being on very familiar ground - seemed to forget
where I was going. Felt very confused.
12P 08 XX.XX NS
Went past turning on well known route.
12P 19 XX.XX NS
More mistakes typing words, usually would feel a mistake, like playing a piano
and hitting a wrong note
13P 12 XX.XX NS
Disappear without saying goodbye, shoot off and get very lost. Instead of stopping
to consider I follow my nose and drive totally the wrong way. Fail to recognise
the route home, familiar roundabouts seem absolutely unknown to me, reading
the signs, racing to make up lost time.
13P 30 XX.XX NS
Very forgetful, like when I was pregnant, cannot finish a job or remember to
lock doors, etc. Went shopping and forgot to bring the car home! Feel lost and
slowed down by all the traumas.
13P 49 XX.XX NS
Being outside of home - particularly outside, walking the streets, I have felt
directionless and lost and this has been connected I think to constantly taking
wrong turnings, though this has been more in the car.
14P 00 XX.XX NS
Seconds of complete disorientation. Like being spun upside-down and round and
round. Not sure which way is up just for a few seconds at a time. Lasted about
30mins on and off.
14P 07 14.00 NS
Still doing odd confused clumsy things. Tried to sign the bill with the wrong
end of the pen. Being forgetful, losing my way.
14P 24 XX.XX NS
and clumsiness
Dropping things all morning, coffee, money, pens.
01P 25 XX.XX NS
Knocked a cup of tea off the side unit in a pretty sudden and surprising way!
03P 02 17.00 NS
Full of nervous energy. Lots of clumsy accidents today.
13P 07 XX.XX NS
The confusion and disorientation combine with the hyperactive nature of the remedy to produce a feeling that they or the world are out of control.
I have such a sense of physical energy around me. I can almost touch it, it
seems as if sparks, and little balls of energy are whizzing around the room.
My thoughts are so fast I am amazed how quickly I can type. I seem to know exactly
how to express my self, it makes me laugh allowed ( aloud- interesting spelling
mistake) with happiness.
01P 32 XX.XX NS
Barking and howling like a dog out the window of a moving car.
11P 12 XX.XX NS
Blurted out what was being expressed in the atmosphere. Immediately felt embarrassed
felt I was being cheeky, provocative, no control of thought to speech pattern.
13P 02 XX.XX NS
Feeling quite unreal, detached from everything happening around me. Get so
impatient that I have to cover my face to stop myself from shouting or screaming
or swearing at the children. Thought I might fall over with the strain of not
saying anything. Don't want to cause a big fight.. Mood swings from tranquil
to raging without warning, suddenly lose control.
13P 05 XX.XX NS
Explosive temper keeps escaping my control.
13P 21 XX.XX OS
Feeling of chaos hung around all day. Feeling tense and uncontrollable, everything
is buzzing.
13P 23 XX.XX NS
Other themes that appeared strongly in the dream were teeth.
I had a dream that I spent all my money having my teeth repaired. I felt determined
that I wasn't going to lose my teeth.
06P 37 XX.XX NS
Woke from a dream where all I remembered is that I was trying to talk to someone
but my front teeth felt as if they were getting longer and the centre bottom
left one started to break, like slithers coming off vertically from the front
of it from gum to tip as I spoke and I was embarrassed that it might be seen.
Perplexed that there was less and less tooth and that I couldn't feel any pain
yet.
14P 19 XX.XX NS
Dream of being a school teacher in Chemistry lab. My tooth, left upper, next
to front tooth was falling out. The only way I could stop falling out was to
clench my teeth. Boy of about 11 red school jumper and ginger hair standing
in doorway I said "Dentist, you must fix my tooth". Woke a lot from dreams.
15P 02 XX.XX NS
Dreams that involved dichotomies or the tension of opposites.
Woke up, not remembering the exact nature of my dreams, but realising that
a great deal of them are about comparing very intensely two similar things -
synonyms. Very anxious feeling.
11P 42 XX.XX NS
Woken in night by boyfriend crying in sleep, he had dream we had two dogs,
a black one and a wolf dog. They were playing and the black dog bit the wolf
dog on the neck and killed it.
15P 05 XX.XX NS
Dream of two witches fighting or duelling with magic. Very black and white,
good and bad. I was the good witch.
22P 32 XX.XX NS
And dreams of small packages
Someone was trying to get me to take drugs, wrapped like little pellets placed
inside Durex. I was very upset that someone wanted to take drugs themselves.
01P 06 XX.XX NS
Dream of strange people and places. Tiny envelopes with hidden treasure inside.
Small blue and red cellophane wrapped like sweeties, something precious like
jewels inside.
13P 28 XX.XX NS
The smell of burning was central to the remedy. Immediately after the group took the remedy a wasp or fly flew into a light bulb and the smell of its burning pervaded the room.
Burnt smell back on hands, even after swimming in the pool and trying to wash
it away, it did not go.
01P 03 XX.XX NS
Brief smell of burning in my home.
05P 01 19.00 NS
Daughter remarked you smell like fire.
13P 21 XX.XX NS
There was a lack of appetite and thirst in the remedy, but was particular in that it was accompanied by a sense that the prover should eat or drink. There was also excessive, unbounded, eating and drinking.
Whilst driving I can't eat , feel I should, but refuse food, want to eat but
can't. Try putting food in my mouth but retch. Throat feels choked.
13P 02 XX.XX NS
Not hungry but feel I should eat. Mostly salad, a struggle to finish small
plateful. Cooked food seems too heavy.
13P 02 13.30 NS
No desire for food - seems unnecessary, energy available from other sources.
02P 04 XX.XX NS
Ate cereal for breakfast as I know I need sustenance, no real desire for food.
01P 04 XX.XX NS
Aware that I am completely thirtsless and am drinking very little water when
I normally make a point to drink plenty. I have to make my self drink even though
I am not thirsty.
01P 10 XX.XX NS
Stomach feels suddenly desperate for food. Leave the lecture and eat an apple
(had to be something raw) feels better for sitting up straight.
13P 02 10.45 NS
There were difficulties in breathing but they were described particularly as not being able to get enough oxygen.
It was difficult breathing, as if the air did not have enough oxygen.
06P 01 19.00 NS
When walking up to the B&B had a constriction in my chest which made my
breathing feel laboured as if I was walking at high altitude, couldn't take
enough oxygen in.
08P 01 XX.XX NS
Sleep problems seemed to be around the change of state as there were equal difficulties in going to sleep and in waking up.
Hard to wake up - reluctant to function, somewhat trance like.
02P 02 07.00 NS
Wide awake for much longer than usual after work - didn't feel tired or in
need of sleep.
02P 04 XX.XX NS
There was intense or voluptuous itching in all parts.
There were also many eruptions but these were often described as being in spots and small patches.
There was numbness and pins and needles.
Stiff necks were reported by a number of provers, but back aches tended to be in the lower back.
Hot flushes were experienced by several provers.
Sudden urging for stool and diarrhoea were the main expression although there was also constipation as if obstructed.
Cystitis like urinary symptoms of pressure and burning were reported.