The Homœopathic Proving of
Bewick's Swan
Cygnus Bewickii
Materia Medica
| In & Out | Groups | |
| Connection | Intimacy | Isolation |
| Focus | Stillness | Energy |
| Anger | Trapped | Boundaries |
| Body Image | Playfulness |
One of the group said something interesting, a theme in the group - being in or out. That's exactly my thing! I'm longing to be in, connected, a part of the whole. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Meeting with partner. We are in different spaces, and there is no time to be together. 1, 6C, 19:XX:XX
Feel tender and passionate, full up with life in a good way. Something has happened with my dance; another level of integration, less separation between when I'm dancing and when I'm not. 1, 6C, 30:XX:XX
A day with the ongoing group. I feel strong with them like a hunter, but make a 'mistake' later and never quite recover from through the rest of the day. The energy goes underground like a river beneath the rocks. Again I'm torn in my role - between that role and my longing to be a participant in this bloody group! I've just realised that that is my part in the theme of this group, which I see as being around belonging, being in or out. So while we eat together and go to the relaxation centre I really feel that. 1, 6C, 31:XX:XX
The end of the group today. Somehow this crystallizes apart of this whole experience of this remedy. It's intensified something that is a theme for me anyway - the longing for something that I can't quite have; to be immersed in a blend of wildness and juicy relating, some integration of love and sex. Its my adolescence again trying to fulfil itself. A longing to be immersed totally. To not be slightly apart any more. When I feel this longing I feel closer to my core and my compassion than at any other time. Although it seems to centre around human relationships it is spiritual in its intensity. The remedy has brought me closer to my core. 1, 6C, 35:XX:XX
I felt so lonely, such an outsider, so sad. 2, 12C, 02:XX:XX
Felt less lonely after supper. There was a very warm gentle energy, which I was able to be part of. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX
Then there was the dancing with the poor chap frozen. I try to maintain my dance and dance with him. Once I just had to break away and scream. When we talked I think I hurt (and surprised) him by saying he was obviously very sad and he was affecting me. Then he told me how disappointed he'd been to end up with me as a partner. I felt so lonely and worried afterwards. I don't know how I'll cope if I have him as my partner tomorrow. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX
Today has been very difficult. Walked in Masonic Hall and was appalled by all the Establishment men ranged around the wall. My father hated the Masons but only because he's never been invited to join them. Instead he joined the British Legion later in life. Same thing, I thought. I'd never be able to dance - in effect in front of my father. But I managed to dance with some vigour. I was just in floods of tears. And it's been a difficult and painful day. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX
As we had breakfast and got ready to go to the Hall I had a fair amount of anxiety about belonging/doing the right thing - would there be a place for me? But I was able to bring common-sense to bear on it all. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Had a very sleepless night, worrying and feeling very depressed about the previous day. I felt very rejected, even though I know that a lot of it happened because of my own withdrawing. And very worried about how I'm to work if we keep with the same partners. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
I know I will never be an insider and right now that feels fine - Ca arrive, as the French say. This group is one I could have belonged to possibly if I had found it when I was younger. But when I was younger I couldn't have coped with the tearful magic of it all. So now I have to accept that as an older woman and one with a husband, a mortgage and three kids, I am an outsider here. Why, I even know what the Relief of Mafeking was! I'm fat, I'm 57 and I'm too lazy to be that unconventional on the surface. And actually being an outsider looked and felt fine, dancing that dance, I looked at the outsiders and thought 'Oh well' (and anyway, they're only pretending) and when I went to dance outside, I was aware of space, strength existing and attention - the insiders looked cramped and muddled. I am an insider. I don't think so. They're kidding me. If they really knew what I was like they'd soon turn their backs on me. They'll find the truth out soon. And I have to make sure the kids lie as well to keep up the pretence. Anyway, I can't go on with the lies, I am an outsider, the world is actually a big brick wall and I am hanging from it by my fingertips. It's all I can do not to fall off, let alone try to find a way in. They are all smooth and know each other, and I would suffocate in there. 2, 12C, 32:XX:XX
Christmas Eve. I feel tender and mildly depressed. The house is too hot and we've already eaten too much. Husband and daughter have got my cold. I've got young people wanting a lively sparkling time. I've got an old lady who wants to sit with a hot water bottle. Daughter has taken over my kitchen and is doing the cooking. Wonderful but I can find neither successful role, nor space. I have a great desire to be completely alone. And yet I'm someone who loves being hospitable and sharing my home with others. And I love my 'kids' deeply, deeply. I've got no energy, and I don't really like myself and I'm scared of all the work I've got waiting for me. I just don't feel up to anything. I've got no space to retreat to - even in my bedroom someone's usually using the computer. And now is not the right time to demand my right because I've got two very fragile, tetchy, worried and potentially explosive young women to keep vaguely calm and amicable over Christmas. 2, 12C, 40:XX:XX
I am anxious that all this stuff that is my stuff is nothing to do with the remedy! Intellectually I know this to be ridiculous- related to my poor self confidence. Still that sneaky feeling that I got the sac lac! 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Emotionally up and down. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Had a very selfish day today and thoroughly enjoyed it. 6, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Really excited and pleased about being with group this weekend. Love driving somewhere new, feel fascinated by everything; I can see the magic in everything. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Feel good again today. Deeply immersed in the process of group, not much of myself left. Emotionally very full of the group; nourished, touched, missing them too. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX
Today doesn't work well, only one hour to myself to dance, rest of the day full of demands on my time. I'm missing the group, and solitude - feel sad. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX
Loving it here, and loving being part of this group, of actually feeling like part of the Group and managing to interact without too much grief! 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Feeling of being in the group: pressuring me to be someone else. 3, 30C, 03:XX:XX
Went to college party. Great to see everyone. Leonidas chocs from Belgium! Can't help but indulge. Danced, jumped, laughed. Had cigarettes. Spoke to some 2nd year students - wish I were more sociable, but can only be in one place at one time. Really up-lifted by going there, hopeful for future. 8, 30C, 05:XX:XX
Wake not feeling tired despite lack of sleep. Feel connected deep inside myself; a sense that really good unfolding is happening. Only energetic negative is being a bit spaced and forgetting things. 1, 6C, 02"06. 30
Feels wonderful to be in isolation of countryside, very aware of the spirit of the land. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
It's hard arriving here, I am still connected to the Bristol group, I don't want to open up to another. Also I'm scared of the organizer! I realise I an attracted to him sexually. This time more aware of my desire for him and more accepting of it. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Spent today with a very dear friend. She's a soul mate and Berlin is my soul home, and I'm blown away, so happy, sad and full of longing. Here as always I start to vapourize and become one with the streets and old buildings and people. End up dancing until the small hours energised by my heart. I'm in love with my friend, with life with this place and there is nothing else happening because that's everything. I'm a wild dancer and a wild soul. 1, 6C, 15:XX:XX
All day a sadness builds up in me. It doesn't break until early evening when I cry and cry in my friend's arms, crying for my dissolution into the streets of Berlin. My soul is dissolving here. I am so old and so young here. I am so full of sex and love as one energy here. Arrive at the workshop full of light. Feeling rich and juicy like my days. 1, 6C, 16:XX:XX
I feel so in my power at the moment. I can see people clearly and feel very 'in the zone' with the dance of responding to whatever comes my way. I take off on my own to wander the streets. Its very cold though so I go to my favourite café to enjoy a milchkaffee and a cigarette and to feel anonymous. Feels so good to let my identity fall away and pretend I live here in another life. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX
At last some alone time. I'm on a Welsh mountain in sun, frost and mist covered valleys. Time for a long walk and time to move under the sky. Thank god. Moving out there I feel my sadness. Like touching base. Feeling of running to catch up has gone; released into the mountain stream. 1, 6C, 26:XX:XX
I have stopped dancing! After 10 years of dancing every day, I've stopped! Since doing this remedy I've discovered there's an integration that needs to happen that I have been keeping at bay with my alone-time spiritual practice. What made me think of this now is the depth of row I have had today with my daughter and then her mother over holiday arrangements and misunderstandings. I don't think I've ever felt so upset about her, and in the midst of it I feel the spirit of dance sweeping through me in a new way that had nothing to do with formally 'doing my practice'. 1, 6C, 39:XX:XX
Washed my hair out in the garden and was surprised the water wasn't colder and more painful. Gave me a satisfying sense of being back in control of what happened to me. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Then on to 5 Rhythms, where I found a beautiful light wild energy, we were dancing to G. Roth herself and towards the end I found myself being danced rather than dancing. It went way beyond my usual extreme responsiveness to music. I felt at times like a giant heart beating and pulsating with my hand doing strange gentle movements that had my watching brain asking 'where on earth did that movement come from?' I also felt strangely pregnant, with the hearts of my kids somehow part of the overall pulse. 2, 12C, 14:XX:XX
Then on for a final very loving 5 Rhythms. We've been a remarkable group and I really feel I've gained a lot and really started to realize my power. One of several things I've consciously taken on board is that the way to get rid of the tense dead feeling I so often have in my abdomen is first to wriggle around a lot and then to shout and roar. My final dance of stillness felt so focused, so powerful, so clear. 2, 12C, 35:XX:XX
As we neared the cottage I felt my nervousness slip away replaced with a much more expansive feeling of being in nature, of being on an adventure, of enjoying time with lovely people. That anxiety of exposing myself and being seen feels further away but still so big. 3, 30C, 02:16:15
I feel a new warmth in myself, a sense of self acceptance. I'm still feeling some insecurities about being in the group, it's like getting lost in the crowd, one minute I know where I am and the next I 'm floating away from myself. There seems to be a pressure in me that tells me that I'm not expressing who I am - that I feel more than I communicate, that I'm more vital than I express. It's almost a continual dialogue, a veil between life and strategic survival. These insecurities disappear when I move, I can find myself easier, I can stay with myself longer, I can be with another and be myself. This weekend I've felt more primal, more in my root and this is making it easier in the dance to contact my energy and emotion. 3, 30C, 02:XX:XX
I'm understanding more about what it is to be open, open to myself and to others. Realise that I'm often living in a non-reality. Then, when I told myself to become more aware of my body, it felt like a running commentary rather than an awareness of what I'm feeling. Spent the evening on my own and managed to stop myself getting busy with project but played with myself instead. I really enjoyed it, it felt good to be me. 3, 30C, 16:XX:XX
A bit like being stoned - everything a bit clearer - senses heightened - except taste. Also things seem funny and surreal. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX
Awoke four times in the night compelled to look at the dawn star, Venus, shining very clear and bright in the night sky. Sleep with the curtains open so that I can see the night sky. 4, 6C, 201:XX:XX
Last night wondered if this is ecstasy. Lay long in bed mulling over day. In love with the world. Everyone looked at me and smiled, word to say to everybody. All's well with the world, lots of nice people around me. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Work is still stressful but I feel less bothered by it, allowing it to wash over me a bit more. I just feel stronger sense of me and being myself and being able to cope. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX
I am feeling things more acutely - I cried when friend left and I would not normally cry (crying twice in one week and have not cried for ages! ). It is almost like my life has taken on the fluidity and intensity of emotions that I have when dancing. I can feel happy, sad, cry all in short space of time. I am not usually so up and down and emotional outside of dancing. But I am enjoying this and feel very alive and energised though it. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX
Anyway when I got to dancing I had this enormous surge of energy and really went with my dancing. I felt feelings of real joy and sadness with such intensity and feelings of freedom, during lyrical I felt like a bird flying and whirling in the sky. Also felt great sense of my own power and presence. 5, 12C, 13:XX:XX
Felt really pre-menstrual today. Felt really sad all day today, not crying just a real feeling of being sad. Though while I feel sad it also feels okay and just how it is. 5, 12C, 17:XX:XX
Felt very smiley all day and felt like 'I'm in love with life'. Nice feeling. 6, 30C, 04:XX:XX
I am not looking forward to my leaving party. Just feel prickly, closed, sort of concerned closedown when I think about it. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Difficulty swallowing this evening like it's clumsy and noisy. Both situations were whilst being intimate with women; my sister and a friend. 1, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Sharp cramps through belly, I breathe into it and it becomes a big wave that slowly moves up into my throat. Pain in the whole front of my neck which moves up and out with every breathe and massage. It's all linked to intimacy, here I am with naked beautiful people, sweating [in sauna] and I long for intimacy. I feel the pain of old longings and allow myself to feel how beautiful this sweating together is. Better for massage. Long for communion with god when alone and with others when I'm not, nothing else will do. Feel great compassion for myself. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Longing for intimacy. Hard doing groups with friends, I am needing some holding myself by the evening. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX
I was so pleased to get home and be back with husband. It's strange - I will probably tell him very little about what happened during the weekend and yet I'm aware of being totally accepted by him. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Was very aware of the anonymous gentleness of the people who did little things to support and care for me. I felt very happy, peaceful and energised for the rest of the workshop, enjoyed talking about my family and work and was completely unperturbed by any thoughts that I might be talking for long or saying the right things. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
This evening I went to my writing group, full of trepidation about reading my story about my father, only to discover I hadn't brought it. I felt really disappointed and tearful - I realized that reading the story to others would have been a culmination of the whole process; writing my story, talking to supervisor about my father and then my rage at the weekend. When I got back home I couldn't even find my story and I still can't - I can't think where it is, and I feel uneasy at the thought of 5 copies lying around I know not where with my name on. And now we've got mysterious noises coming from the loft and everything up there's been turned over. 2, 12C, 08:XX:XX
Had lunch with a friend, and was really surprised at how open she became. Felt a new friendship is beginning and welcomed it especially because she's my age and so many of my friends are younger - it feels good to have the sense of equality and shared memories. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX
Feel starved in relationship. Cannot live on jokes alone. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX
I do feel very loved and cared for and supported. Partner is being wonderful and warm and affectionate. And he seems really happy which is lovely to be around. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Too much on - a visitor here I don't like, too much to do, I'm tired. Want to retreat from the world and be alone to nurse this wound of sadness and loneliness. I feel lonely in a way I cant assuage except by being lonely. 1, 6C, 33:XX:XX
I dare not have any more Zomig, so I'm reduced to Nurofen Plus, which is only partly working. And now I've taken more than I should so the little child inside me is convinced I'm going to die in the night (I've only had one extra). I'm not going to work tomorrow, even in the unlikely event of feeling better. But I can feel the work piling up. I've got to lead my life differently after Christmas. 2, 12C, 33:XX:XX
I feel very sad, like I've lost something and almost a sense of not having something as well. I feel heavy and tired. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
When I reflect on the discussion I had with partner I'm struck by the lack of heart connection I had to what I was saying. That the 'I want to live with you' felt almost factual like it was what I wanted because that is the logical progression of relationships. Somewhere along the line of mulling all this over I think I've become disconnected from the idea. I do want to create change in my life. You have to take risks sometimes. 3, 30C, 07:XX:XX
I'm feeling I need space, it's been a full on couple of weeks with no time to myself. I think that's partly the root of feeling disconnected, because I'm disconnected from myself. 3, 30C, 10:XX:XX
I'm still rushing and now it feels that I'm focused on the end. Felt really disconnected with the dance group tonight - something has ended for me there, partly because of someone was leaving and feeling sad, but also that I've been round a cycle myself and I don't know whether I want to go on into another one. It's that same feeling of closing down, wanting to be self contained. 3, 30C, 27:XX:XX
Odd suspicion that this is a double bluff and I haven't taken a remedy. Laughing out loud - very amusing thought that I've been duped. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Irritated when children invaded my bed! Often feel pushed out, but feeling pronounced this morning. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Son was in bed with me, strangling me. 4, 6C, 07:XX:XX
Woke feeling as through nothing has changed. My centre is full of hatred and blackness, relentless, no respite, no change, no point in trying to change, defeated. A deep, dark, damnable place. Interesting in a way to see the situation so clearly. Deeply disappointed. This is my state, always has been always will be. I hear Lucifer chuckling. Hatred, rancour, jealousy bring such pain, such disappointment. Reflections on hatred: feels as through it is the generalised hatred that allows atrocities, genocide, to be committed. Horrible, deep and tragic, I tell myself it is part of the human condition, brings sense of misery and tears, many tears shed today. Feel withdrawn from people, not willing to enter into communication with them. Don't want to tell people I feel so disgusted with myself. I am not a worthy person. I am only speaking with people superficially. And yet in my general functioning things are OK. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX
Feel I have no "circle of support" cannot find a friend (actually I have not asked). Withdrawing. 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX
Need to be part of society so great. I cannot tell because I feel so unworthy, so dirty, cruel. If people knew they wouldn't want to know me. I don't want to know people, just keep away, yet feel so ostracised. Feel so false (familiar). 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX
Feel very separate, that I have no support from friends, indeed I have no friends. Saw someone in Wells this afternoon, she half recognised me and then dismissed me, pleasantly but I felt dismissed. I am brushed aside like a piece of shit. 4, 6C, 28:XX:XX
Shaky, very insecure, partner gets me down. 6, 30C, 02:XX:XX
Took son to a mother & toddler group. A friend came up and asked me how I was and I burst into tears. Felt my self esteem getting very low gradually. Usually I love spending time in playgroups and usually I love the company of the other mums. Today I felt a bit isolated and withdrawn. 6, 30C, 58:XX:XX
Drove home in a very altered state, had to remind myself sternly that I am driving, and it is a real car and there are real cars around me and I really could have an accident if I don't concentrate. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX
I felt very focused on my work which is quite a different feeling from the last couple of weeks. 3, 30C, 04:XX:XX
Despite emotional blanket I worked really well today, very focused. Almost as if I want to just get this thing out of the way so I can get on with the life I want to create. Sent off for job applications from outside Bristol, I'm scanning, looking into lots of doors, keeping everything open. I'm sad and I'm hurt by "Maybe I don't love you enough" and I'm angry about partner just sitting with the knowing of what I want from early on in our relationship, but doing nothing to look at his feelings, what he wants and whether we are on the same path. I'm angry that somewhere I don't think that he has ever really let me in, that he's closed to my love and therefore never moved by it. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Needed to tell partner where I was at. Concerned that I know what I want. Felt clear unattached, easy to state what I wanted. He was full of fears. He didn't know what he wanted. Relieved by speaking and listened to him. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Being more focused. Less listening to excuses. I want to find the clear intention. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX
I was well focused but I could feel my energy being zapped by being in this office, beavering away. Strange desires to up and go. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX
I wanted to be by myself, work alone, be alone, clear and focused. 3, 30C, 19:XX:XX
Forgetfulness - Again something a bit unusual for me, there have been a few occasions when I have been quite absentminded. I forgot completely a dentist appointment. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Suddenly sunlight was fading, we were miles away from anywhere. Had to half run 2-3 miles scrambling up and down wooded hills on narrow rocky pathways to get out of the forest before dark. Finally found houses, asked for directions and walked final mile back to car. Great relief, as all else - work, anger, everything in everyday life - is forgotten in survival. 8, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Easily distracted. Emotionally split - part of me is running to catch up with a thousand things, so in fear - the other part is in fear but wanting to protect my small self by shutting out the pressures and going to bed with good book & looking after myself. But I have a toddler to look after and a group to run, so I'm split. 1, 6C, 23:XX:XX
Real need underneath the criticalness for stillness and simplicity. Good to find this space. 1, 6C, 25:XX:XX
A busy day with the prospect of many more to come before I've finished the exhibition I'm working on. But felt good and competent about it all. I've been early for two meetings - most unusual behaviour for me. So at the moment I'm feeling rushed but unusually calm. 2, 12C, 06:XX:XX
Wanting to stay silent. Feelings of going inward. 3, 30C, 02"15. 30
Feel like curling up and being with myself. Dozing, lazing, want to be quiet. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Aware of how beautiful this place is. Creation; I want to start creating my life in a way that I want. Dancing today I felt the beginning of the wave as a being lost in a pattern of coming out of myself to find my happiness and life. Always moulding myself to fit round others, moving away from my centre and losing myself on the way. And then as I moved into lyrical, I got the feeling of being the sun, having the planets move around me, being the centre of my world. I felt the integration of my being creating from it's core, attracting all that is perfect, radiating out, and I feel my sex. I so much want to be in this space, at the centre of my life and I want to be less crushed by my self doubt. I could create my own life by drawing in what is right for me. It almost obliterated the work I'd done in the weekend. It pulled me back. I was on a crash course of destroying everything. 3, 30C, 02:XX:XX
Desire to be quiet, introverted. 3, 30C, 03:XX:XX
Finding that over the last week or so that I am managing time more realistically, that I am in time for things and can pace myself more easily. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Have been feeling very happy and at peace with myself. Have a real sense of calm and well being. 5, 12C, 02:XX:XX
I still have a real sense of calmness and inner well being. There is a strong sense of being at peace with myself and a feeling of joy. I get moments of real happiness when I am walking down the street, it is like when you are first in love with someone, for no apparent reason. 5, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Want to be in the duvet, windows closed, lots of warm drinks. 5, 12C, 21:XX:XX
Again, that grumpy crossness with everything. Although it is a kind of surface grumpy. Essentially, if I can let go of tiredness, crossness, that feeling of being under siege - underneath I am quite calm, happy, warm, loved. I feel an urge to cry but it is a letting go, not a racked crying. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Got letter from DEFRA, I have got job! I am not bouncing around like I would expect. Something in my energy is levelled out, am not getting usual high/low swing? 8, 30C, 02:XX:XX
Have been surprisingly stable. Not as buzzy or hyper as usual. Feel heavy in grounded sort of way (as opposed to heavy and fat). 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX
We drive home, one near-miss, partner freaked on adrenaline - my heart didn't even beat any faster. Was driving faster than usual with no fear. Scary. Usually pretty much adrenaline-pumped when I drive anywhere. 8, 30C, 05:XX:XX
Still grounded, calm. I have been 'freer' with myself - I have let myself smoke, eat chocolate, not go to gym. Don't feel slobby, though. 8, 30C, 11:XX:XX
Too much to do getting ready for going away; rushing my food. End up staying up terribly late making love, and just as I'm falling asleep son wakes me saying he has a sore bottom so we end up being up for another half hour. It seems like when I get stressed everything conspires to curtail my sleep! 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX
Another crazy day, hectic moves to get things ready for going away. Scattered energy, hectic.
Feel good about myself despite the mad schedule. I have confidence and balance that is pleasing. 1, 6C, 14:XX:XX
Another crazy day, compressed time. Quite like living like this! The patches of tiredness are even OK really. The only thing that isn't is the lack of time with partner. Packing too much in, not getting enough done feeling. Getting little sleep or rest but feel remarkably good. 1, 6C, 20:XX:XX
Started the working morning in one of my usual panics, but worked well and got in control. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX
This evening I've got over the sense I had this morning of not being in control. 2, 12C, 11:XX:XX
This evening I feel tired and bit low. I have a let down feeling, I'm not sure why. 2, 12C, 21:XX:XX
A dead end sort of day and I've eaten too much. 2, 12C, 22:XX:XX
I'm clobbered - my whole body and mind are screaming out to stop working. Fortunately I've finished the big piece of work I've been so busy with, so today I've taken things fairly easy - I haven't found this particularly comfortable. 2, 12C, 29:XX:XX
Went to two parties this evening, both very enjoyable, but ran out of energy. The cold has really taken it out of me and the cough still exhausts me. 2, 12C, 38:XX:XX
I've had the house to myself today, but have been too tired to make the most of it work-wise. In fact, I spent about an hour just sitting on the sofa trying to stay awake and failing. I'm so tired and don't know what to do with myself. 2, 12C, 43:XX:XX
Did feel a bit hyper, wanting to be active but I'd been rushing around all afternoon and had a long list of things to do before tomorrow so could be a bit hyper anyway. 3, 30C, 00:XX:XX
I've been very outside of myself. Feeling busy, rushing. Feeling flat, I've lost contact with what seems to be like a dynamic energy of change. I've been thinking about it more than feeling it. Felt overtaken by goals. It all felt too much. I'm pushing too hard. Lost contact with the feeling. 3, 30C, 11:XX:XX
Feels like the world is speeding up to the end of the year - I'm rushing all the time. 3, 30C, 26:XX:XX
I have loads of energy even when I feel tired I have these odd bursts of energy. I keep wanting to tidy things up and sort things out, not really like me as I am so messy and will have phases of doing it because I ought to but not because I really want to. 5, 12C, 05:XX:XX
I got back at 10. 30 and started tidying up my bedroom - ridiculous time to start this as major job but just felt like loads of energy and compulsion to tidy up! 5, 12C, 06:XX:XX
I had another odd burst of energy at an odd time. I got back from shopping in Bath having trekked rounds loads of shops in crowds - normally would have flopped in chair but got back and just had loads of energy and started tidying up, cooking and then decorating the fire place. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX
I have continued to have odd bursts of energy and moments of intense feelings - like when I was just walking along the path and thought how beautiful the countryside is and the light and the trees and just wanted to dance - no-one was around so danced along the path feeling glad to be alive. 5, 12C, 20:XX:XX
Still feeling quite buzzy/energetic bordering on slightly manic. 7, 12C, 02:XX:XX
The last few days have been crazy and I haven't had a chance to write in the diary. I have had so much to think about, remember to do, juggle. I am due to leave on Tuesday after six years. I have enormous amounts to do and that's even ruling out all the things I would like to have done before leaving but haven't been able to. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Big thing, I take the next step in training. The group takes us/me into anger in such a strong way. A step has been taken, a big thing. 1, 6C, 04:XX:XX
The group is weird tonight. I'm critical. I'm critical of people's dependence on music and good tunes to find their dance. I'm critical of their deep lack of responsibility for their experience. I play the stern father instead and it's pretty weird! People leave, people sit out, but I'm touched and shaken in a way that tells me at least something real happened. I'm glad I didn't make it comfortable for them, and its scary for me to ruffle feathers. 1, 6C, 23:XX:XX
Friend points out how critical I am today. 1, 6C, 24:XX:XX
During the workshop I expressed a lot of anger directed at maleness, quite forcibly and loudly. I castrated my father very energetically and I wept and tried to vomit him and his maleness out of me. I think it was the most cathartic (I don't like using a jargon word like that but I can't think of another) experience I've ever had and it left me feeling very exhausted and very peaceful. 2, 12C, 04:XX:XX
Dancing in a Masonic Hall is bizarre after being at Tim's. Rows of WASP's staring down from their picture frames. I spent some time looking at their faces, feeling my fear rise with my hackles. A fear of male dominance and somewhere a fear of my own maleness, of acknowledging my male power which is bursting to come forth. Wrapped in a blanket I began to feel the movement come from my hips and as we worked I felt a primeval animal, sexual feeling, like letting go into a sexual frenzy, being pushed and shoved and writhing. Suddenly it changed and I was biting my pillow and screaming into it, really screaming through clenched teeth, and kicking out and hitting the floor and tantruming, thrashing. Tense anger. Screwed up, knotted up. Kicking and hitting the floor. Contained, couldn't come out, squeezed, intense. I felt tiny, very young and all alone and I was fucking angry, it's unfair came to me and through me. And I gradually burnt out and wept and released and soaked up the comforting hand stroking my hair and reassuring touch letting me know it's OK, OK to be angry. It was wonderful to feel my anger, to feel the passion of it and the emptying out into peace. And it's so basic, right from my core and so unexpressed. I was reminded of the Shamanic journey, soul retrieval I did, and how the part of my soul that wanted to return was a very young me who was very angry and digging very hard to deal with it. Maybe this was her expression, so I welcomed her back again and promised I wouldn't keep her locked away. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX
The anger work we did today gave powerful expression to an emotion I've so little expressed in my life. I could really feel it welling up from my belly and firing out of my mouth. So good to find my voice. And in the letting go of chaos this summoned anger became a "I don't want you to... I don't want to..." expression. Pictures of my past, especially of ex partner fucking me when I didn't want to and coming in me when he'd promise he wouldn't, that picture kept returning, along with unvisualised feelings of male violation, of being pushed around by me, of being let down. And the amazing thing was that everyone seemed to have released at the same time, as I moved into weeping, I could hear a room of sadness, of moaning, it was beautiful, and then we danced. I felt raw, open, true, happy in my sadness - I felt alive. 3, 30C, 02:XX:XX
Contacting my anger. Quite removed from it. 3, 30C, 03:XX:XX
Today feel hurt and vulnerable. And angry. What the fuck. Why am I staying with this. I do feel angry. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Intense irritation with children. Son not going to sleep - feel I could shout, I shake him - leave me alone. Every noise is irritating. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX
Broke glass of picture frame whilst completing framing it - angry with myself. Shouted "no" at the top of my voice and felt the power of it reverberating around the house. Cleared glass up - difficult to get into bag so smashed the glass with my foot, stamped hard, jarred leg twice Releasing anger - felt better- not tearful any longer. Also noted that I had spilt candle wax on the rug last night - hardly ever those kinds of accidents. and knocked cup of juice over on table this morning. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Had a reflection about my anger towards my daughter. When she was 11 I bullied her. Felt shame. Recognised I had an irrational irritation. Thinking about how my behaviour affects others - that in some ways I have been immune to at the time, after I can feel ashamed but at the time I just don't care - my anger will be expressed. Feeling shamed and tearful that I don't care when about the fear and upset of the children when I am angry. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Feel like sleeping a lot but too much to do. Feel like being alone, to remove myself. Fractious and snappy with children, definitely don't want to talk Feel low and tearful. Don't want sympathy or consolation. Felt extremely angry with the mouth ulcer. It was an impediment. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Snapped at daughter for asking stupid questions and making me talk. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Short tempered in the afternoon, snappy and irritable. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Angry episodes: Car pulled out in front of me, wanted to make them acknowledge that they nearly caused an accident. Wanted to chase after them and stop them! Road rage. Delivered son to his father. Lily the dog is on heat, he had agreed not to leave her outside on a chain, she was outside on a chain. Felt absolute fury, would have smashed his head to smithereens had I seen him. Later I don't feel so exasperated with things, girls being lovely. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Son refused to go to school. Felt absolute rage towards him, wanted to force him but was not prepared to drag him screaming to school. Feel dreadful. Irritable and short tempered and belligerent. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX
I have a stinking cold and am pissed off. 4, 6C, 15:XX:XX
I had a really emotional day at work. I cried after the meeting. I never cry at work and everything just felt so much more heightened emotionally. I just felt so frustrated with them and angry that won't just move on; it is like the heightened emotions have been feeling in terms of joy, etc. just flipped over. I cried and felt much better. 5, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Went around slamming doors, demented woman. Full Moon, thought I'm turning into a werewolf, anger so uncontrollable. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX
My New Years Resolution is to control my anger and save the kids from any more hurt if at all possible. 6, 30C, 45:XX:XX
I have been feeling overwhelming grumpiness tinged with resentment and crossness that I have to spend so much time travelling on crowded motorways, that it is eating up 2/3 evenings a week just travelling, that trains are late, delayed and cancelled and that I have too much to do and no sign of let up. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Got really, really angry about woman next door - telling me where to park. Was angry at anything and everything. I usually cry to release anger but didn't want to; was enjoying being angry. 8, 30C, 06:XX:XX
No time today. Toddler group, office, snatch an hour to dance. Energy quickly sunk. I am tired! Looking after 2 kids for the evening, as soon as they are both asleep I'm back in the office. Noticeable that once I have finished for the day I don't sit down with a book or go to bed, but put on a training video to learn how to pro-pack my parachute! So I'm in that wired mood where I feel there is so much to get done, and every spare minute I have to squeeze another task in. Have dropped into slower pace since moving to Bristol but picked up again since the remedy. Kind of goes with the rest, the stronger sexuality, the craving for cigarettes and drugs, my deepened fierceness. [I feel 'I wont take no shit' vibe in my energy that is stronger.] 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX
Teachers meeting today. Didn't want to be there, not sexy enough. Boring talking about work. Everyone being nice to each other, what the fuck is that! Me to though; I don't want to come out and be real - none of the people am I particularly close to. Again this gritty 'don't mess with me' feeling. My boundaries are deep and clear. Looking for openings even with those I am not close to; looking for ways to be real but choosy about when. 1, 6C, 08:XX:XX
Getting ready to go this morning feel unusually excited, like I used to when I first began teaching abroad. Also really hard leaving family. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX
A bit anxious again about travelling. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
I'm so in love, like I'm in this thing called love. Don't want to be caught by anything just want to flow. People want to hold on to me, grab pieces of me and I don't quite know how not to be caught. Very tired, energy comes back when I get back and have a bath on my own. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX
Anti-sleep conspiracy by god experience - son up until 11 by which time I'm exhausted. 1, 6C, 29:XX:XX
It's been a difficult and painful day. I've felt very lonely and I've kept landing up working with the same person - I find his depressed frozenness is more than I can cope with. The rolled-up-in-a-blanket work was terrible. I needed someone strong to work with, not him. I got deep, deep, deep into despair screaming and crying, rolled up in a tight ball as I could, trying to burrow my way through the floor and out of me. 2, 12C, 03:XX:XX
Very worried about work. An overwhelming sense of impending catastrophe and failure. I just can't do it all, can't get it right. My stomach is really knitted with anxiety. 2, 12C, 17:XX:XX
Was working forward to solitude today and getting things done. Had a migraine instead, I'm getting tired with keeping this diary and I'm pissed off that it's difficult to contact supervisor and that she hasn't rang me back. I feel I'm on a bit of a treadmill and I'm far too good-natured just to get off. I'd like a date for stopping and I won't get this till I can get in touch with her. 2, 12C, 17:XX:XX
I feel lost and there is anxiety rising that I'm going to get stuck, that the dynamic energy waiting to create change has left me. I think that I'm thinking too much about changing my career, ending my relationship, and somewhere have lost contact with the feeling. I've sprung out of myself and I 'm tired. 3, 30C, 13:XX:XX
I'm here to be on my own. To come back to myself. Have a bit of self loving. Anxious that I'm going to be stuck. 3, 30C, 13:XX:XX
I need space, felt irritated meeting partner even though we haven't seen each other for a few days. 3, 30C, 18:XX:XX
I'm keeping my head above water. Wish I could sail above it a bit more, not let partner get me down. 5, 12C, 08:XX:XX
Fell suffocated in the house, on guard, in fresh air feel freer and happier, that's when I come alive. 5, 12C, 14:XX:XX
Feel home bound. 5, 12C, 29:XX:XX
It is becoming more and more apparent to me how much I hate being tied to the house. Recently, being in the house makes me feel quite claustrophobic. I feel much more alive for being out and about. 6, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Strong desire for partner. I feel so in my sexuality like I've stepped over into boundlessness with it, I feel attracted to everyone. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Totally clear about boundaries. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
The group finally cracks open today, but continues to be quite difficult at times. I'm just totally involved in them. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
This evening has been all rush and mess. I feel the tensions of the outside world gripping me again but I am learning to resist them. 2, 12C, 05:XX:XX
Then I've realized I have to go in to work, bring some home and work on it in the afternoon. This is not my idea of how to spend the weekend and I realize I still haven't sorted out this issue of how not to keep myself permanently over-burdened with work. 2, 12C, 10:XX:XX
It's been an interesting weekend. I had a very angry exchange with one of the dance group - angry on his part, that is, clear and direct, I honestly think, on mine. A tiny element of the saved up hurt spectacularly dumped but I don't think that was really what it was about for me. As a relatively new convert to non-victimhood I'm finding victims particularly annoying and you can't moan around the way he does and then start shouting about not being a fucking victim. You can't have it both ways. I have felt so ill for much of the weekend, but I think the illness has taught me a lot. I know it's been caused by overwork/worry and now by body is digging its heels in and just refusing to be whipped on. And meanwhile my poems are waiting to be written. I have, have, have to slow down and clear space. I cannot go on as I have been this past year. I must take on less work, and fewer 'virtuous' activities. The Labour Party has got to go because that's not even improving the world! I should have said that the weekend included some very powerful work when I first danced the chaos of my ancestors - poverty, dirt, disease and then madness and booze on top of it, and then finally danced forgiveness and hope for myself and my father and finally and most terribly, for my father's penis. 2, 12C, 32:XX:XX
A sense of my own physical vulnerability, soft and flesh inside a not so hard shell. 3, 30C, 01:20.00
There is a softening of my edges - less of myself getting in the way. I loved the tenderness of this evening, the way this group of people look for ways of creating pleasure. I'm aware of my wanting for tenderness, for slow purposeful touch. 3, 30C, 02:23:55
Realised how much I am closed to myself. Got lost in goals. I was losing contact with my feelings. I was pushing. 3, 30C, 24:XX:XX
Very aware of my movements and skin holding my body together. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX
Partner came home with a sewing machine and I joked that now I would be really confined to the house - cooking, cleaning and now sewing! His remark was apparently a joke -'what oven chips?'. I was livid with anger because Monday I cooked a Mexican meal, Tuesday I cooked an Indian meal, Wednesday we had an English meal (home cooked), Thursday we had oven chips with sausages and home made coleslaw. Tonight I am planning to cook a Chinese. I felt that he is never happy with my cooking and he never gives me any praise. I felt I was very wronged and I was so livid with anger I threw the sewing machine outside the house - it was only an old one anyway. I felt he was being very unfair. 6, 30C, 12:XX:XX
Usually if there is a conflict between us, it doesn't affect my attitude to the kids but today I felt quite withdrawn, upset, unfairly treated and most definitely very angry. I let him know it! 6, 30C, 12:XX:XX
I am still seething with anger. I feel unappreciated, unloved, underrated, undermined. I feel maybe my anger and behaviour may be 'over the top' - it's hard to tell when you're the one feeling what you're feeling. I feel like I deserved some appreciation for washing, cooking, bringing up the kids, and basically doing the best I can to keep the household together. I may not be wonderful but I put my heart into what I do. So his comment was very unfair and unjustified. 6, 30C, 13:XX:XX
Worse morning of my life! Still not feeling very well. Partner came downstairs as I was getting ready to take daughter and a friend's little boy to school. "Are you going to help me with shopping, cleaning the house?" he demanded. I'm not usually at my best first thing in the morning but worse still when I'm not feeling well. So I did not answer, especially since yesterday's outburst at me. I could not believe my ears with what he shouted next "Your dad shagged you, your mother sold you off, you're a lazy cow/cunt in the pretence you have the flu" I stood speechless in shock, numb. This was all said in front of my 10 year old daughter. I felt there is no way I can carry on with this relationship. 6, 30C, 36:XX:XX
Feeling not very attractive in my body since I have put on probably almost two stone over the past year. 7, 12C, 07:XX:XX
As I was going to sleep last night, I felt that my fingers had shrunk - short and stubby. Had to switch the light on to check they were still there. 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX
I am noticing the yellowness in green - the fields are more yellow than blue! 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX
I am feeling very close to the ground. I walk around grounds at work during breaks, and am very aware of the ground being very near me. Am noticing small differences in inclines on the roads. Hills are steeper - which isn't too great when running, but interesting nevertheless. 8, 30C, 02:XX:XX
Am not enthusiastic about exercise. Didn't go to gym yesterday lunch time as had book to read for homework and used this as excuse not to go. Don't even feel that guilty, went to gym today, but only in anticipation of eating lots at xmas-do. Haven't been getting desperate over food. Still eat the usual minimum out of habit. But I was fine! Well, was starving but not feeling faint like I usually would. Maybe conserving energy not being hyper. 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX
At team xmas do - curry. Ate too much, drank too much, smoked too much. Great fun, but got home & felt that will burst - doubled over. Was sick; just too much in stomach, but fine otherwise. 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX
My posture is getting worse, I am stooping, shoulders even more rounded. 8, 30C, 11:XX:XX
Went to do on bus, wrapped up over my 'best' dress. Got there feeling OK - not particularly glamorous but not as fat as I felt when I left the house. Everyone had really, really dressed up & looked gorgeous - I felt pretty shabby again. Found it quite hard to mingle. Usually I would go out of my way to be friendly/outrageous, etc. but was so outnumbered by the glamorous girls, felt totally inadequate. They are all very gorgeous, very loud and also very drunk - no competition. Drink loads; our table is loudest & get told off by Customer Service Director. Food was gorgeous but felt really very unattractive, especially while eating & too drunk to appreciate food. We were going around the table downing glasses of wine in turn as the rest of the table sang you on. 8, 30C, 12:XX:XX
Went to loos with the girls - full of full-length mirrors; and to my shock and surprise in my drunkenness I actually look fine. I don't look too fat. I look OK. For one split second, when I saw myself in that mirror, I was attractive - just as glamorous as the other girls. I can still remember that feeling, now that the alcohol has worn off, and it feels like a dream. In the reflection I was normal, not hideously ugly, quite slim and attractive, even! I looked OK. If only this were true! It was an incredible experience. 8, 30C, 12:XX:XX
Felt quite attractive, grounded and able. 8, 30C, 13:XX:XX
Really looking forward to group tonight. Session has a quality that is completely new in 7 years of teaching - I totally let go, in past when I've done sessions that are playful I look out for any possibility of deep and meaningful. Not tonight! I joined in with more surrender. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX
On-going group goes mad again! They don't need much prompting to go into zany, lyrical. Great fun to be with. 1, 6C, 14:XX:XX
Wake feeling happily excited, like it's Christmas and I'm 11 years old. 1, 6C, 27:XX:XX
The dance group this evening was such fun. I'd been thinking earlier as I tried to find something vaguely frivolous in my wardrobe "Well, it's because what I wear isn't that important to me. All I aim for is to pass muster. And that's OK, that's who I am. It's been important to learn to move, important to shout but important to wear remarkable clothes? - No, it's just not an issue for me" Then I spent the whole evening eagerly changing from one garment to another and waiting impatiently for a wig to be available! I loved the fun and riotousness of which there was much in the group. 2, 12C, 06:XX:XX
Fantastic dressing up session of dance, bright. I loved the innocence of it, the "I can be who I want to be", the spontaneity. I felt really good. It felt good to be me, creating and expressing. 3, 30C, 06:XX:XX
Wake at 6.30 a.m. from an extraordinary dream. I am leading a workshop its outdoors at some convention, there are many Christians there; there is a huge flying sign saying something about god I think; It's all very surreal and hard to describe, but I feel really good, in tune and filled with the spirit of things, strong, plugged in. 1, 6C, 01:XX:XX
I'm driving and overtake a car on a narrow road. Suddenly I notice steep sandstone walls rising each side of the road. Then I see in the headlights the walls rise to a curved roof, it's a tunnel about 70 feet high with perfectly straight walls I am so shocked I wake up. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX
I'm in a station, lots of people, and I'm right on the pulse, wending my way through, playing and flirting with all the women in a highly enjoyable way. Even when one spits at me from a long distance I dance out of the globules way with a skip, gleefully stick my tongue out at her and move on. Feel plugged in, vibrant, playful spirited. 1, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Again surreal and macabre. Pulling out into heavy traffic, several lanes. Soldiers line the roadside, directing the traffic into middle lanes using supermarket trolleys. Then I'm on a bike, friend on the back, instead of a car. Were in an alleyway, path becomes blocked by scaffolding. Have to pick up the bike and pass it through, and meet a naked woman covered in mud and dirt - she lives on the street. As we leave the alleyway I pick up a dirty cardboard roll by mistake instead of the bike. Realising my mistake I turn back to see the woman and her man closing the door. In my effort to get there quick enough to rescue my bike I sit up in bed and wake up. Felt disturbed. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX
Extraordinary dreams! I'm living at my childhood home, or rather have my office there. The house is full of my friends. Feels good [an unusual feeling for dreams of that house!]. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX
This one felt weird, surreal and scary. It's like a film. A shot of a woman lying on the sea bed, top ripped open and the blade [no handle] of a sword sticking out of her chest between her breasts. A man comes and carries her up to the surface and there's a lurid shot of her, mouth half open with lipstick so dark it's almost black, and she seems to be alive after all. Next shot on land and she pulls the blade out and stabs slowly the man with it. He turns, becomes almost invisible, then cut to shot of rocket taking off and I somehow know the man and woman are in it both alive, a macabre feeling to it. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX
Dream. Darkly sexual with partner, like we are in a film. We are kind of playing power games around sex. Not unpleasant but disturbing. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Dream. Very weird scenario, dark, disturbing, violent, being chased by various characters with long spear [wooden, pale colour] one on horseback. I also have a spear and manage to win all the fights by physical skill and mental cunning. Dark and horrible vibe. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Dream. I'm in bed first someone comes in and I am feeling very vulnerable being asleep. Then family turn up and I have to get up, I'm so upset at being deprived of my sleep that I cry. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Dream. Three black guys at a workshop I'm teaching. I keep offending one of them and foolishly get caught up in trying to explain myself. Later people are putting hundreds of pieces of bluetack on the floor covered with a little bit of masking tape. I tell them it's the wrong way round the bluetack should be on the tape. Picky and anxious. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Dream: I'm in a performance in an open air stadium. I have never seen the script, have no idea when I should go on, or what to do. I have no clothes on! I am sitting in the audience at the feet of my grandmother. I get some idea it's my turn to go on and do so, do my best to dance but I'm unhappy with it & get very fed up afterwards. A curious thing - at one point I look up and see that I'm looking down on a ski slope. We're upside down in the sky. The workshop this weekend is dealing with the balance of power and vulnerability. Dancing out the various aspects of my dream I discover that my laptop was my power. I had no clothes but I did have my laptop, which I foolishly discarded as irrelevant when I had to go on stage. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Dream. Driving to catch a train, partner is following in another car and we lose her. We get caught in a jam and turn back to go another way, with only 6 minutes to go. Dream has an anxious feel. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Dream. Following someone to his house along a track that gets more and more waterlogged until we come to it and his front door is almost in the river. Inside its dark, damp; a hovel. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Dream: I'm arguing with partner but its not her it's my first wife. The top floor of our house is gushing water from every orifice like a Marquez novel. My feeling is angry underneath overwhelmed. I wake angry with partner and it takes me a few minutes to let it go. 1, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Dream: Son crawling around becomes a small dog. I'm slightly anxiously following him around taking care he doesn't hurt himself. 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX
Dream: Trying to get to a theatre show, all kinds of obstacles. Partner's out and it becomes clear she wont make it in time. I end up completely sidetracked and plying with a young boy and being stern with him for mishandling a sword. Feeling edgy, pushy and anxious. 1, 6C, 13:XX:XX
Dream: I'm about to do a skydive when someone points out that my chest strap is completely disconnected. I look at the person who did my flight-line check and see she has got bare feet and looks like a child. I am ashamed and feel stupid and afraid. Not sure I can get my strap on properly in time. The other guys seem like pros and I'm not even worthy of amateur status. 1, 6C, 14:XX:XX
Dream of old girlfriend. Were in a room with a dozen other people. She's too quick and too clever, like a snake, and she manages to 'catch' me energetically, not awful feeling, but not what I want. 1, 6C, 17:XX:XX
Dream: My bible, it has incredible power, although a different cover to reality. Someone has it who shouldn't have it. Then were in a building looking for someone. Can't see them, but then a trap door in ceiling closes very slowly & quietly and I realise were being watched, and I wake in a cold dread. Feeling something deeply wrong and frightening. At the end I feel in terrible danger of being shot. 1, 6C, 26:XX:XX
Dream. I'm running a workshop, its about to begin and I see to my dismay that women are turning up. I'd intended it to be a man's group! I sink into my chair in shame and dismay while the other organisers laugh about it. I must have been unclear in my wording on the flyer, I think. I feel stupid, a failure, a half-baked teacher. 1, 6C, 28:XX:XX
Dream again with homosexual thread. Complex manoeuvring from room to room. Not unpleasant, just surreal and strange. Quite friendly again. 1, 6C, 30:XX:XX
Amazing dream. I'm in a time warp of some kind. With a couple of friends walking through the shattered remains of buildings in Berlin [except it doesn't look like Berlin - there are hills]. With one friend I climb a nearby hill/mountain, I am some how transported back to present - arrive in a subway station. There are many of us materialising there and I realise lots of us were together on this journey through time and I am crying and crying with gratitude and love for the beauty of it all. This felt like a real soul dream, very real. A deep heart dream. 1, 6C, 31:XX:XX
Two interesting characters in a dream - one is a slightly deformed young man [we're in a public toilet in a theatre] who is sitting hunched up in the sink washing himself. He's got a cloth rope tied to the tap and around himself like a sling to stop himself falling out whilst he vigorously washes - his muscle control isn't so good - he would fall out without it. The second is a kind of uniformed attendant who frisks me as I enter the toilet. He is so nervous as he does this that I can feel strong waves of his fear. These are the two sides to me relating to what people think of me - the first is totally self-contained and couldn't give a fuck what anyone thinks, the second is utterly preoccupied with how people see me! This dream was in the middle of the night. When I wake it is still early but I wake really sexually charged. I can feel that this is to do with the group, so I let it circulate in side myself, don't try to discharge it. 1, 6C, 32:XX:XX
Dream with friend. In the dream I am very ill and look terrible. He is very tender. 1, 6C, 35:XX:XX
I've just been dreaming. Can't remember main plot but the elements were; my sister, rope, a knife, a map, some criminals. It wasn't violent as that might indicate but there was a definite threat of violence. 2, 12C, 09:XX:XX
Dreamt last night, almost this morning - that I was sitting in a big garden reading. An old man came down the path. He looked a little odd but he climbed up a ladder. Feeling a bit nervous, I picked up my huge pile of open books and went indoors, into a big dining hall. My friends were eating at a table (no-one I know in real life) then another friend, came up a bit diffidently and asked if she could join us. We made her very welcome. 2, 12C, 18:XX:XX
I also dreamed the phone went and it was my son: "Have you heard the news?" he said. I said "No" and he broke into tears and said "Mafeking's been relieved". 2, 12C, 30:XX:XX
Dreamt last night, first that we couldn't find son and then that I was in Ethiopia having been sent there by Oxfam. We were on some sort of coach trip, with lots of Ethiopian girls and we kept getting left behind. 2, 12C, 41:XX:XX
Dreamt went to see great female sage. Very powerful - I was bent almost double, backward by her power. And then I had to go to the loo in a glass walled cubicle full of rushing, swishing water with huge areas of plastic bricks bobbing around in it. Woke from dreams but I didn't have a full bladder in reality. In both parts of the dream there was a sense of great joy. In the first part we were all trying to write her name and my former therapist was saying 'No, you know who she is.' Most recently I've been dreaming about having infertility treatment and then about asylum seeker having infertility treatment. 2, 12C, 43:XX:XX
Dreaming about hot air balloons and rain. 2, 12C, 44:XX:XX
Dream: Partner leaned across and pinched my nipple, and I immediately said "I don't want you to do that" He responded in some way with a "Oh, you've changed because you've been away dancing all weekend, you never used to mind". But I had always minded (not sure whether or not I said this). 3, 30C, 04:XX:XX
Dream: Three guys in a bar, giggling at the invasion of a photographer trying to get a secret picture of them on a night out. I was struck how they laughed instead of getting angry. 3, 30C, 04:XX:XX
Dream. I am attending a law school of some sort. The colour deep purple is important. In the dream there is a feeling of conflict - I am thinking of moving away from the college - in some way I am not settled - I feel there is a better place - somehow I don't fit in. Old school friends are in the dream- they feel like allies. There is a sense of being pushed out- not very strong like persecution but that kind of feeling - also a gentle pull towards something better. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Dream centered on a centre with a building or series of buildings that were not at ground level but below ground level. Feeling for some sort of playground, or fort - lots of timber structures. On reflection there is a sense of something both secretive and protected around this centre. I recall seeing it from above, looking down - it is hidden from general view. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Dream: I had a big old house that needed a lot of work - it was on a hillside. I lived there with an Irish man and his family - lots of children. For some reason I sold the house to the man with an understanding that he would sell the house back to me very cheaply. The man was stocky and not so bright I thought he was kind and good. He changed the house by removing the front door and sealing up the front - the back door was always surrounded by lots of children. I was trapped - I felt so stuck, frustrated. Why did I sell the house? I phone friend and was so upset. Feeling of terrible frustration, the man was not going to keep the agreement. I went to the man who was painting the front wall (used to be door) white, I was furious and shouted at him that there was only one entrance, had he checked building regulations (this was a brain wave in my dream- ha ha - I suddenly have the thing that will change it, 'the law') it was against building regulations -he would have to change the door back. Very sure and determined voice, holding my ground, I was right. He looked confused. I felt an incredible relief. A coach load of sports people was outside the house. I shouted to them you can't use the facilities again, we only have one exit and that is against the law. There were murmuring of surprise. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Dream: My child is in a little car on the road. It is very small and in danger of being squashed by the cars that pass. I am very anxious but tell her that she must go. There is an urgency, a feeling of not safe, that she will be all right. Next scene- I find her in a sort of rabbit hutch with a run with another child lying on its side attempting to peck at food. I feel so sad, I want to help but am not allowed to. Daughter runs out of the cage through the door, I tell her it will be OK and she turns back crestfallen. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Connection with buying some clothes that I wasn't sure about-couldn't afford, not sure they suit me. Wondered what the Lama's face was like - brown ,wrinkled and smooth at the same time, smooth eyes carried the sorrow of the world, made me cry. Connected with Lama at retreat, big smile but eyes carried concern, sorrow. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX
Dream of a proving group. I am looking in the mirror, I see myself and I am shocked: right breast very large, swollen, not painful, top is exposed but no shame about it. Egg shaped lump just below my ribs, I can take hold of this lump. I feel panic and need to talk to someone. A lecturer passes on the stairs. I try to catch her but she says "sorry can't stop, you know how this proving is. " obviously making her way to the loo urgently. Lots of people around, no one to talk to, don't know these people but am relaxed with them. The breast/lump concerns me. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Dream: Animals outside my bedroom window. There are lovely monkeys and parrots, brightly coloured, climbing tree branches right next to the window. Big eyes peering in, the windows are very big, my bed is beneath them. I notice the window is open. Then I see a big tabby cat with beautiful yellow eyes, stripy coat like an ocelot. She tries to come in the window and I quickly go to the window to push her out. I have to climb on the bed which is squashy. She is very strong but soft, with big paws and claws, she pushes in. I am determined to keep her out but she slides into my body, hands sliding on her glossy coat. I am quite firm with her talking to her, calm and determined, she is going out. It seems to be a challenge to her, she tussles with me. Now actually through the window I notice that she has not used her teeth or claws to get in, she is strong and muscled, so beautiful and feels fantastic to hold, heavy and full of energy and life and power. I turn her back through the partially open window head first. She is not pleased but shows no signs of irritation or anger, her ears are back. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Dream: Invited to a ball over the phone. The women are to wear mineral dresses. Lots of discussion about what this means. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Dream: It is in an old college, above me there is a gothic window, beautiful, with a man leaning out with a palette and brush. Very romantic scene. On the pavement level where I am there is a man that comes and sits cross legged next to me he is naked. I am sitting with a cat with a shirt on (it seems like a child but definitely a cat) that is lounging on the pavement. I am drawing the cat. The man in the window is beautiful, long curly blonde hair, a soft face, delicate with fine features, 'feminine' but not effeminate, he shines. He speaks to me, suddenly next to me looking over my shoulder at my work. His voice is strong and deep and gentle, he carries great authority. He says "I noticed your work before. You go straight for the eyes. I like that, that is a good way to approach. Keep practising you can develop this talent. " I am a bit embarrassed, I am bashful, my work is not good but I receive his encouragement and tell myself keep at it. This has promise. He shows me his work, it is amazing. He instructs the naked man to get me a copy. His work is complete and full of. He walks away, he walks lightly and strongly, he turns and comes back, "What is your name?" I say clumsily: "Oh, sorry" as I notice my demanding tone "who are you?" with more humour and inquiry. He shows me his signature which I cannot really read. I smile and thank him. I open the brochure to the art college, his signature is on the leading page, he is the principle of the art college. I feel humbled and very pleased that he indicated I had 'promise'. During this bit of the dream I adjust the shirt on the cat, undo his top button. There is a sexual feeling to this and I am very self conscious and hope no one has noticed! 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Dream: There is a trolley laden with delicious foods, great piles of raspberries, and other pastry/sweet/savory delicious things that I desire. I want to eat, not hunger, it is desire. I want something unhealthy, but someone next to me says "the raspberries are very fresh and lovely and healthy. " I know that I am being told to eat them but I want something else. I deliberate. Around me people are eating. I can't decide, I look desperately from one person to another enjoying their nosh, sense of desperation rising, I can't decide. I want it all, frustration. When I decide it has gone. . Terrible feeling: upset, frustrated, anxious, hurried, panicky. Want to find it, look around and then start walking. I shout "Shit I can't have what I want because I don't know what it is. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Dream: Walking along a path behind some houses - the path goes up through someone's garden. They have recently done up their home, very attractive at the back with lots of wood, they have used bark a lot. I know the front of the house and it is also well done with wood. There are suddenly quite a few people going from the path up to the house - we have to climb under a wire mesh fence. 4, 6C, 07:XX:XX
Dream: Given a talk by older female on some historical aspect. The children of the Eastern Europe came up. I was walking along the bank of a river, semi-industrial, poverty, grey, flat, where children were camped. No adults. The children were not clean, darkish skinned, quite small boned, fine features. Most of them had their genitals exposed, sitting in prams/pushchairs. I watched the children who were sexually playing with each other, one doing somersaults on the other's lap, male on female. Others were fingering their genitals. It all seemed quite normal. I had to get away and had to cross a body of water, seemed still or slow flowing, sort of stagnant. I was worried about swallowing any and really didn't want to go through it but had to, so did with a feeling of dread. Wading out the water the other side I saw dead fish floating, disgusted and hurried through, the water was very polluted and I was worried about being contaminated. I could feel it sticking to my skin, desperate to get a shower. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Dream: Women having babies, something odd about the women: monkeys? Aliens? Different- running commentary over the top of the action, like a documentary, Being shown how the women have babies. The teeth are looked at when the birth is complete. The teeth have faeces attached, saw one woman "see no faeces attached to the front teeth". Saw another who was in trouble, distressed and wandering. Looked at teeth and saw lumps of faeces there. Must find the baby. Searching in cloth cubicles, the female is quite distressed and I become distressed, I am taking the baby in my teeth. Wake up, ghastly dream. Yuk - shocking, but also feel upset, poor little things. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Dream. At school teaching, cannot find my timetable or any thing to tell me what I am supposed to be doing. Great sense of frustration and eventually overwhelmed and give up, feeling dreadful, slunk away and hid. 4, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Dream of some sort of strange voting system, the vote is measured by the amount of water that falls via a fountain into a trough. I cheat. There are men walking up and down on a kind of circuit, they are reciting poetry/verse - some is very amusing - then they start working together and telling stories one line each, in different voices - wonderfully amusing and clever. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Dream: Enormous wedding, crowds of people attempting to get some food, etc. Sheer extravagance. On my own, just thinking 'how ridiculous'. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Dream: I am in an office, high up, and am attempting to do something, I don't actually know what, that I keep getting wrong. I try to put my shirt on as though they are trousers. I put on a white shirt over a black vest-top and go to look in a room with many mirrors. I am wearing a coral coloured suit-jacket and skirt (just like my mother might wear). I am concerned about how fat I look. I realise that I am fat, it is not the suit and wake up. Awake thinking I must loose some weight. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Dream: We are at home in the living room. It is a relaxed feeling. There is me, two girls, a father, and a small boy in stripy shorts. A fighter plane suddenly crashes through the wall making a smallish hole and flies up through the ceiling which disappears. Another bigger and darker plane crashes through. I am holding the baby close to me and we rush out to the chaos, people and shelves with things arranged on them around the outside of the field. There are soldiers there directing people. I'm not sure whether they are friendly or not but I feel no fear. I have the girls and the baby but can't find the boy and father. I start looking amongst the shelves and feel worried. The girls point out movement on a shelf, it is a wounded doll and wounded soldier. I pick them up and hold them. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Dream: In a hollow surrounding by trees, looking up at a big house, a restaurant in the country. I am sexually excited, masturbating - clitoral, aware that they can see the upper part of me. I come to a climax. I then go to the house/restaurant to find the toilet, but can't find it, wandering around in the restaurant lots of people, rustic type decor, old farmhouse with quarry tiles, etc. Someone directs me to the loo. I have to go through the wall Harry Potter style. I walk towards the wall and then it becomes obvious that it is a door and I go through. 4, 6C, 13:XX:XX
Dream; going to get a cup of tea at a depot - Royal Mail. I have to jostle with the postmen in a friendly way. One leans across me and I feel the weight of his arm on my abdomen - very male very strong and heavy, sexually arousing. Suddenly I miss being held. Driving along in a van - another postman is there - there is a strong attraction between us - it is a lovely feeling, exciting and enlivening- there is a connection- I say "you are married aren't you?" he says yes but it doesn't matter. I tell him that it does - that as much as I am pulled I will not enter into a sexual relationship. He tries to persuade me by holding me in an embrace - I am driving. We pass another vehicle - in it is a colleague of his and he sees us. We go back to see him. I am in a big house- it is very modem, very plush and I am there as the 'help'- there is a slim, blonde, tall, smart looking woman who starts talking to me - she thinks I know about the set up there. The postmen are lurking in the house! A dynamic dark haired, slim, extraordinary looking woman whooshes in - with authority - she is the boss, The 'lover' postman says "I don't like her". We are settled in comfortable chairs around a TV - it is a presentation of a financial nature. I fall asleep and am woken by the woman next to me- apparently I was snoring- it is not good to fall asleep - lack of respect. 4, 6C, 13:XX:XX
Dream: In a forest making long ladders of rustic wood with platforms at the top Very exciting in the wood driving around and in anticipation of climbing up. Feel like monkey type group, together and coherent, very clear and exciting. 4, 6C, 14:XX:XX
In a group of student homoeopaths, we split into two groups the serious and the frivolous, I am in the later group. We are studying how to do a tapestry. I do not achieve anything much, no guidance. After a while frustrated I go to see the other group they have lots of illustrations to work from, beautiful pictures, bright colours. Exciting and difficult to choose what to do, so still a sense of frustration, unable to start. I look at other work and am envious but feel pole axed rather than inspired, feel trapped. We have run out of time. I have achieved nothing and feel the sense of uselessness. The images in this dream are so beautiful and clear. 4, 6C, 15:XX:XX
Dream: Travelling somewhere - a journey on a small motorbike. Somehow I am transported to this place, seems like a home but not mine, another way and I am going on by motorbike. I have to gather things - feels ritualistic - a compartmentalised basket with 4 sections- candles in one, can't remember what the other things are. I have gathered these and am listening to some music on a stereo when friend arrives and is anxious to go - it is getting dark. I make haste -just thinking about the fact that I haven't yet tried the motorbike when I wake up. 4, 6C, 16:XX:XX
Dream not so clear - in a town- I am alternately the aggressor and aggressed in lots of conflict - feeling not taken seriously and angry reactions and refusal to be drawn into this 'playacting' of emotional rancour. In the dream knowledge that I am behaving badly - even the concept of hormonal imbalance as excuse. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX
Dream: On a farm, several people, me and other adults, hiding like children, smoking in the barn behind the machinery. The farm belongs to neighbours and their two dogs, Alsation and retriever. I am frightened of the retriever. I drive off the farm with the help of farmer's son distracting the dogs. 4, 6C, 20:XX:XX
Dream: I am with a man he treats me very well and is respectful. We live in a large house: open plan, wooden floors with a big entrance. There are lots of people there like a public throughway yet also like a home. We are walking along with a sense of connection between us. His ex-wife and her new partner are there. We meet at a table. He goes off to another table not far away, can see what goes on. I welcome the wife - she is lovely - about my age, reddish hair and freckles on a fine featured face, she has a humility that shines through her face. We are OK with each other and I reach across and kiss her cheek. There is a large box of chocolates on the table that I offer, it is untidy, papers all over the box. 4, 6C, 21:XX:XX
Dream: Camping at a festival. I was with the children. Friends also camping, they camped away from us. Felt terrible sense of being ostracised, left out and verbalised it "like a leper- kept on the edge of society"- it felt dreadful. 4, 6C, 23:XX:XX
Dream: In a restaurant and lots of other people. There is a hose pipe that is flooding the place with water. No panic just need to turn it off, seems to be my responsibility, but I can't find the place. I have to step on a part of the pipe. Eventually find it and step on it, then the pipe separates and the water starts coming out on the part I have stepped on. I put my finger over the end and stop it. 4, 6C, 25:XX:XX
Dream: In a group of young people that are wanting to go on an expedition, camping to a cold country. Need clothes and equipment, shoplifting in an outdoor shop, I do some dodgy deals, don't quite get caught but leave bag behind and then cannot legitimately get it. Friend is caught. Lots of tension and anxiety in the dream. 4, 6C, 30:XX:XX
Weird dreams. Remembered part of the dream which involved being lots of rats/mice and feeling anxious/scared. 5, 12C, 08:XX:XX
Had really strange dream about being at a fair/marquee and having a gun - being chased by people but because I had a gun I felt more powerful and less scared than when I have had my recurring dreams about being in the resistance and being chased (have not had this dream for about 18 months or longer I think but used to have it a lot). I woke up feeling slightly anxious. 5, 12C, 09:XX:XX
Had really weird dream last night. At friend's house and had a middle room which connected 2 staircases (even more strange I was in the same room in a different dream a couple of months ago), dreamt that I read her diary, a purple covered book which I then took. It was not her current diary, but another friend saw it in my hand I pretended it was mine. I then was back again in the room where I was staying and kept trying to replace it where I had found it but there were always people coming and going. Woke up very glad that it was not for real. 5, 12C, 17:XX:XX
Dreams that friends invited us to a dinner party but not enough food. They are more friends of my other half. They have just renovated a house in which I spent a lot of time as a child, my Grandmother's house. They renovated it beautifully and I couldn't believe the difference. 6, 30C, 03:XX:XX
Dream - Penny and I were at some meeting or other regarding Homoeopathy. She told me she was given Aurum 30 for a skin condition. I felt surprised and flattered that she was asking my opinion. She mistook my look of bewilderment for ignorance and said "It's made from Gold you know! 6, 30C, 24:XX:XX
Dream - I get the opportunity to move into a lovely flat in Park Street. In the dream I am happy with my new abode. I look out of the window and a couple are making love in the forecourt outside. It is dinnertime! The man suddenly looked up and saw me staring. I embarrassingly moved away from the window. Feeling of slight embarrassment at having been seen looking. Also maybe slight envy of what is lacking in my life. 6, 30C, 33:XX:XX
Dream - We got a small snake to put in the garden. The garden in the dream being my parents garden in Guyana. It was only a small snake but when it arrived, I decided I didn't want the snake because it would be no good for my son. 6, 30C, 38:XX:XX
Dream - Partner has a massive bruise on the left side of his face. He looks awful but in the dream I think he looks funny and very much wanted to laugh. He has apparently been hit by his older brother. In the end I couldn't help myself and started laughing. I was too scared to laugh in case he hit me. He didn't hit me but felt like he would have liked to. Woke up still seeing the funny side of my dream. 6, 30C, 48:XX:XX
Dreamed of walking in snow in Tokyo, in bright sunshine - as part of group. We were walking along a railway line, going through narrow passages and under and over bridges, always in single file. The snow was crunchy and beautiful, with the sun glistening on it. I felt I'd finally come home, and was really very happy to walk this long way. 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Woke up at 6:05 a. m. with horrible dream. Dream had been going well - but them cut to this frame, for educational video or something like that. Showed a spirit of puppy entering into its body from energy of ancestry, in embryo stage, passed down into body through 'tubes' of energy. Really beautiful process. However, dream then goes on to puppy being in factory, and sold to snake for food. Snake makes some comment, I know puppy is doomed and I am sad at its fate - no life at all, no pleasure, just processed in factory to be killed and eaten. Next in dream - same for elephant, in spirit entering embryo. Should be in wild - but ancestral spirit appears in lab. As spirit goes down tube of energy, voice of spirit cries 'No, I want a womb, I want to be born of a mother! ' but ancestral spirits shake heads sadly. Elephant destined to be born/bred in lab. This really, really upsets me. I wake up, shaking and crying. My own womb feels cold and empty. My heart breaks. Unfortunately feels like a significant dream. 8, 30C, 03:XX:XX
Woke up really scared; in dream we were in house. rushing to get out. Friends also there. All trying to leave ASAP. I remember seeing picture rails along our staircase, with lots of photos in frames hanging off. I know we need to go now but also know we will be away for two weeks and had no change. I am searching for pair of knickers & pair of socks to tide me over - otherwise only have small bag and usual contents (purse, alarm clock, bus-pass, keys and tobacco). Wake up before I find knickers, but scared and anxious. Feel stupid writing this down as sounds silly, but the sense of urgency an imminent danger was very real. 8, 30C, 06:XX:XX
I am, for some reason, in a high-rise flat - I think it's some kind of halls-of-residence for Uni. There was a story behind this - I think it was end of term, and I might have to catch a flight? Anyway I have to leave immediately. But I can't. The room, although pretty spotless and totally empty, has to be taken care of (cleaned, I think). And there's a tiny bit of lettuce in the sink. I need to take this lettuce with me, and abseil down the side of this huge, high-rise building. I'm not worried about the abseiling - I am most concerned about the lettuce. I am getting desperate, I need to take the lettuce with me, but can't find a plastic bag to put it in - anywhere. Group of really cool students come in through window - they are also abseiling down from higher but taking quick break. I feel very old compared to them but then feel they are still my peers, they are fine about me running around for plastic bag and just sit around. I am about to give up and leave without it when I wake up, still in panic. It sounds really silly writing this down now, but I was totally gripped with fear when I woke up from this dream. 8, 30C, 19:XX:XX
In this dream, to be afraid of heights was a serious revelation. I was in the fields where I go often in my dreams, where there are 3 or 4 really, really tall towers. Like very, very high totem poles. I usually climb up these and sit on the top, looking across amazing views all across the landscape, into the twilight. However, this time it was different. This tower, which usually is on level ground, is surrounded by grassy hills, and isn't as tall as it usually is. It's not the usual crisp twilight scene, but a grey and misty day with not v good visibility. The tower, rather than being long and slender, is more torpedo-shaped with steps spiralling up the sides. And the steps up it are made of perspex so you can see the ground through each step. Worse still, the perspex is only attached to the central spiral at one point - so is bendy. I was terrified. I couldn't climb the steps, because they were bendy and they were giving way and I didn't want to fall. I could only go up to the third or fourth step and had to climb down, shaking. I couldn't believe it, because I knew I would miss the view. It was windy and drizzly and horrible. I woke up and couldn't believe how scared I was, and was quite upset at my own behaviour, tried to understand why I was so scared but still haven't found an answer. 8, 30C, 27:XX:XX
Constricted feeling from temples over top of head. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Feel slightly thick headed, bit of sore throat and left ear ache. 3, 30C, 02:08:30
Sick headed in the morning. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Foggy head and nausea. 3, 30C, 02:XX:XX
I've realized my hair has been getting greasy even more quickly than usual since I took the remedy. 2, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Pain in left temple, sudden then abating. Moved to right temple - feels like pressing in - boring. - but not pronounced. A pushing in, a constriction. Want to push out against it. An irritation, a frustration. Feel like punching out. Punching into nothing, no resistance. 4, 6C, 01:21:30
Headache comes and goes, not as intense as this morning, worse thinking about it, better out of doors. 4, 6C, 19:XX:XX
Later on in the evening I felt my head/scalp itching a lot - all over, especially round the back, low down. I remember scratching a lot as I drove back to London. 7, 12C, 00:XX:XX
Woke this morning with a very sore right eye - it feels as if it's got grit all under the lid. 2, 12C, 07:XX:XX
Eyes very fuzzy can hardly see to write, OK further distance. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Eye margins sore, worse closing eyes. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
I am suddenly noticing the green spectrum in the light - we have those energy-saving light bulbs; the room is decorated with a lot of blues/greens and I seem to have just noticed how green and yellow things are - the room is usually balanced with blue. Things seem closer to me. 8, 30C, 00:XX:XX
Every sound is intrusive, tap dripping, etc. very clear and loud. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX
Sharp pain in right ear on bending down. 4, 6C, 14:15:00
Ears feel a little blocked - like I want to swallow and pop them. 7, 12C, 02:XX:XX
Unusual pain in my nose, on the right side, on the bone, small area, an ache, sensitive to pressure. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Lots of thick white mucus from nose. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Burning nostrils, earlier running profusely with clear mucus. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Left nostril blocked in the morning. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Slight sensation of a crack on lower lip, looked in the mirror - lips are fine. 6, 30C, 00:XX:XX
Face has been feeling quite flushed. 7, 12C, 00:XX:XX
Lips dry and cracking. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Skin on face-especially around mouth/chin is quite dry and flaky. 7, 12C, 03:XX:XX Scratching face quite a lot - the skin feels very sensitive. 4, 6C, 00:XX:XX
Scratching face to relieve tickle - forehead, cheek, eyebrow. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Cheeks and around lower jaw and lower lip feel thick and slightly numb, still as if on trip. 8, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Jaw feels tight. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Bit underside tongue whilst having breakfast. 4, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Central crease in tongue sore. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Tongue sore in evening. Kind of stings. 1, 6C, 08:XX:XX
Early morning. Stinging tongue for few minutes. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
Notice sore patch under tongue on right side as though an ulcer may be brewing. 4, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Mouth ulcer developed, very sore, right side of tongue, under side, half way back from the tip, rubs on pre molars. Not able to express myself clearly as it hurts to talk. It also affects my ear. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Mouth ulcer troublesome all day. Tongue very sore, difficult to talk and eat. My right ear is beginning to ache. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Tongue ulcer hurts, as though I have been talking whilst writing! 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Ulcer has bright red centre, white tongue. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Ulcer more settled now, going yellowish, tongue less puffy. Ulcer better for milk, and easier having talked a bit - terrible to start with - saliva covers it. When ulcer hurts most ear is pulsing, sense of pushing out and thumping. 4, 6C, 06:XX:XX
Ulcer patch still sensitive and sore but ulcer nearly gone, red patch. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Tongue pale and swollen, flabby, teeth marks around right edge, red and raised around ulcer, white and tiny. 4, 6C, 04:XX:XX
Teeth clenched, especially back teeth and right ear aches. Gum and teeth feel achy at front, front teeth feel loose. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Teeth achy - aware of them in my gums. 4, 6C, 01:22:00
Sore place in roof of mouth as if I have hurt it on some crust or something. 1, 6C, 06:XX:XX
Roof of mouth feels sore, almost feels like cut on front teeth edge. 4, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Mouth feels like the first signs of coming up on a trip (LSD) - lips numb and cheeks feel really thick, flabby and wobbly - as if bloated or stuck on. 8, 30C, 00:XX:XX
Sharp cramps through belly, I breathe into it and it becomes a big wave that slowly moves up into my throat. Pain in the whole front of my neck which moves up and out with every breath and massage. It's all linked to intimacy, here I am with naked beautiful people, sweating [in sauna] and I long for intimacy. I feel the pain of old longings and allow myself to feel how beautiful this sweating together is. Better for massage. Long for communion with god when alone and with others when I'm not, nothing else will do. Feel great compassion for myself. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Getting a sore throat though - through the day steadily go downhill, by the evening my throat is so sore I can hardly swallow. 1, 6C, 34:XX:XX
Sore throat and ear ache developing. 3, 30C, 01:XX:XX
Throat is really bad - didn't go into work. 3, 30C, 19:XX:XX
Woke up with a slight sore throat, but only first thing in the morning. 6, 30C, 03:08:00
Throat sore, slimy. 4, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Difficulty swallowing this evening like it's clumsy and noisy. Both situations were whilst being intimate with women; my sister and a friend. 1, 6C, 01:XX:XX
Not hungry. Desire juicy things. 4, 6C, 03:XX:XX
Physically OK except that not eating right- either hungry or too full. 1, 6C, 22:XX:XX
Still this thing with my food - feeling ravenously hungry, eating and feeling too full. 1, 6C, 24:XX:XX
Appetite ravenous, could eat and eat and eat - anything! Chocolates, savoury foods. Thirst for warm drinks. 6, 30C, 22:XX:XX
I've eaten too many sweet and stodgy things again - I can feel the weight pulling me down. 2, 12C, 13:XX:XX
I've realized that my compulsive eating has become very compulsive indeed. 2, 12C, 20:XX:XX
Have been really thirsty tonight and drank lots of water. Really wanted cold fizzy mineral water. 5, 12C, 01:XX:XX
Thirsty, have drunk loads of water. I don't have to make myself drink water rather than anything else as this is what I want. 5, 12C, 02:XX:XX
Desire for strong food. Really enjoyed eating lamb. 1, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Wanting strong energy foods - meat, dairy, nuts, toast, chocolate. Not so drawn to fruit and veg as usual. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX
Desire for strong meat after a day of little to eat. 1, 6C, 10:XX:XX
After workshop in anticipation of long drive home have strong coffee oops! Ended up driving home in coffee euphoria and then stayed up very late with partner. 1, 6C, 11:XX:XX
Slight unusual aversion to sweet food and craving for salty and meat. 1, 6C, 12:XX:XX
Desire lemon drinks. 4, 6C, 02:XX:XX
Really enjoyed watching telly with a few glasses of red wine. Normally I hardly drink alcohol. 6, 30C, 23:XX:XX
Craving sweet and salty things, and cigarettes. 1, 6C, 09:XX:XX
Another roll-up when I get home- that's 3 in a week, very unusual. 1, 6C, 07:XX:XX
I seem to be smoking less. 6, 30C, 23:XX:XX
Felt quite sick and queasy when I was trying to get to sleep. 2, 12C, 27:XX:XX
Felt slightly sick again, not really sick but definite feeling of nausea, now that have felt it twice think perhaps it is the remedy as would not normally feel sick especially 2 days in a row. 5, 12C, 02:13:00
Stomach gurgling early morning, 5 or 6 a. m. and burping. 4, 6C, 05:XX:XX
Lay down in bed and discovered I'd got raging stomach ache and diarrhoea. 2, 12C, 2:XX:XX
I've overeaten, especially sweet things, and my belly doesn't like it. 2, 12C, 08:XX:XX
Guts irritated, particularly right side. Diarrhoea. Reddish brown. Very smelly: fruity. 4, 6C, 02:10:00
My intestines are rumbling and bloated - was before remedy, but now uncomfortably so. and feel my intestines' energy points on back of feet. They are telling me they need energy. 8, 30C, 00:XX:XX
Gurgling in a